my sexual confusion please help me

bustup45

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i am 43, i have done very little with my life.my mum calls me a failure or a dissapointment to her. she says i need to get a life she knows im so fed up
i admit my life has gone bad on me , im very lonely, i have been depressed for
years. i take anti depressants but they do nothing. the problem is me , i have
slowly started to rot, i have no friends , the ones i had have all done things with
their lives (got girls houses cars jobs some have kids)
I am a loner.i am male. i live with my mother who is 63.i just have no confidence
i have suffered from shyness for years, i do have social problems, i have low self
esteem, i am sad,unhappy,depressed,i hate myself, i hate my life as it is now.
the loneliness hurts , trust me it does. when i see happy couples in public kiss or
hold hands i feel upset and jealous.
it goes back to when i was 13, my father left my mother me and my little brother.
i needed a father figure at an important time in my life -puberty exams teenage stuff. we had not much money, my exam results were not great it affected me not having a father at home with me.
so i got to 20 i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life.i went out with my
best friend from school we went to pubs and bars to try and talk to women.
but i had no confidence i was painfully shy my self esteem was low i had social
problems i found it hard talking to strangers or meeting new people.
so my life went on , i got a rubbish job in a male dominated environment which didnt help me either . i got to 30 i was still a virgin. i liked women im
sure i did but i couldnt talk to them plus i had no confidence in myself.
so at 30 the depression really started. i was lonely. a virgin. i had never seen
a naked woman in my life other than on the tv or in a magazine.
so i started questioning my sexuality because i had never had a girlfriend.
i was lost and lonely, gays were coming out in the papers , 1998 george michael 1999 steven gately 2000 dale winton but i found women attractive,
yet my lack of confidence in my self and my sexual status (zero) confused me
i was doubting my sexuality i was so confused who i was and what i was.
i was sexually frustrated but i had never been attracted to men sexually.
in 2001 this confusion,gayness continued big brother cliff elton john reg kray
michael barrymore all came out as gay. i was a virgin could i be gay too?
that year at last i had a bit of luck, a pretty young mixed race girl came to work with me. we got on well and started dating.she became girlfriend number 1!!
at last at the age of 31 i was going to become a man and finally have sex.
but sadly i was so nervous i did not know what to do with her!!!
we went to her mums , we slept together, she lay there, her legs were open,
any man would know what to do next yes?
but i never had sex in my life , i was under pressure, i was nervous. i had trouble getting erections i could not ejaculate, we went out for 4 months and split up.we never really had sex properly so my virginity remained.
2002 will young big brother fashanu all gay stuff im celibate
2003 big brother ron davis gay stuff im celibate.
2004 spencer elton gay stuff im celibate.
2005 guy little britain gay .
so onto 2005 , i am now 35 years old.My younger brother has became a dad.
i was however celibate, confused,frustrated,lonely, my head was full of doubt
who was i what was i? why could i not perform with that Girl in 2001?
through my crappy job i meet girlfriend number 2. in late 2005.
she is 23 i am 35. i take her home when my mom goes out as i live at home
but my sexual problems remain, she is only the second girl in my life i have
ever been with,we try and do it, but i have all that gay stuff in my head plus
i have the memories of my sexual failures from 4 years earlier.
and again i cant perform properly.i am nervous, i am shy, inexperienced.
i have erection problems i cant ejaculate i am not comfortable its a shambles.
we go out for 6 months and we split up, but shes a nice girl who was sweet about it.most girls would put you down.
so where does this leave me now?
well i dont know. i have not had a girlfriend since girl number 2, 7 years ago!!!
7 whole years, yes im sexually frustrated beyond belief.i have been with a couple of prostitutes but that was cold and again i had problems performing.
so yes at the age of 43 im technically still a virgin, i am scared. im sure that
gay stuff in my head has gone. i find women attractive sexually. men i do not.
i just wish i knew what this mental block was what i have , i want to be happy
i want to find love i want to enjoy sex just like any other adult but what is my
problem??
some guys i will say are good looking but i do not look at men sexually.
please tell me what to do, i have carried this around for far too long i dont want to die like this i want to find happiness so much please help me please.
 

Baoka

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Seek. Professional. Help.

The other thing, do you do other things besides work? Getting involved in some social groups will do you good, not necessarily dating, just get into your community and participate.

Also, anti-depressants will mess with your erections, might want to get that checked out.
 
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chiefone4u

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Talking to a professional therapist may do you some good.

As Baoka suggested, it could do you some good to get out in the community.

Try and step out of your comfort zone. Maybe volunteer at a homeless shelter, maybe a food kitchen (or what ever the European equivalent is for the needy).

I would also look into joining a group that volunteer to clean up or take care of the landscape of local parks/playgrounds.

It is easier to meet people and ease your anxiety of talking to new people if the new people have simular interests... If you have a passion for something see if you can locate other's with the same interests, volunteer or a club.

As far as your uncomfortable ability with sex, that comes with practice... Straight, bi or gay only you can decide where you fit in the spectrum. Practice is the only way you will become comfortable with sexual acts. It may help if you are open with potential partner's about your past sexual experiences by removing some of the fear you sound like you have of failing or not being able to preform.

The male penis functions mostly by mind control, so the more you worry about it not becoming erect the more likely that it will fail to become erect. Try not to worry or think about how you will preform, instead focus on the here and now... Enjoy what is going on in that moment, don't worry or think about what will or might happen in 30 seconds or 20 minutes from now, the male body is a self fulfilling prophecy if you think you will fail, you will most likely fail.

Try and find the good in your life, and more good will find its way into your life... If you dwell on the bad in your life, and more bad will find its way into your life.
 
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I quite agree with chiefone4you. Ask your doctor for professional help, you're worth it! And I love that idea of volunteering. Can be in any group, as long as you feel useful to other people. Can be in nature, church, sports, the homeless and so on. Realize that you're not the only one that needs help, there may be people who need YOUR help too. Try to find them!
 

KindlyJedi

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Ouch.

I saw your problem in the first couple of sentences of your first post. Your problem has nothing to do with your father leaving. The problem, psychologically, is your mother. Has she been talking to you like this for awhile? No good parent should ever say something like that to their child. EVER.

I feel for ya, bud. Unsupportive parents suck.

My parents divorced when I was young also, but my mom was incredibly supportive and understanding. Also, I suggest you move out of your mom's place, ASAP.

In your case, seeing a psychologist and getting therapy will do much more good than anti-depressants.
 

long_uncut

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Good advice above. See a therapist for sure but perhaps you should discuss some of this with a family doctor to discover if there is a physical problem besides your obvious problem of mental insecurity and self doubt. As someone said, antidepressants can mess up erectile function, plus if you sort all of this out you might find that you don't need antidepressants. Once you sort out any mental or physical problems then you will be able to go out into the world and mix. Shyness is not insurmountable. A large percentage of people have had similar unfortunate experiences and backgrounds. Whatever your demon(s), you have to face them head on and overcome them. Good luck and don't give up. You are still a young man in the real scope of things. My mother had a cousin who didn't marry until he was 48 and he married an 18 year old girl and had five children. Granted, he died years ago and she is an older woman now but he had a great and active sex life (obviously), plus a great lady to take care of him in his older years! He too lived with his mother and she continued to live with them after they married, until she died--he happened to be a farmer if that makes any difference.
 

D_Ida_Ho

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Whoa. Ok this...this is going to sound like a petty jab but got to some sort of writing class. Learn enough grammar so you can at least put your ideas to paper. And really i'm not being a douche. I find that those guys that are better at writing tend to be better at speaking. Being able to write and recognized writing styles will not only help your confidence, ability to discern your own psychological problems but it will help you to calmly understand where you actually want to go in life.

Whenever you write something you have to abide by certain rules of the road. Commas, semicolons and what not. Now i'm not saying to become a grammar nazis as i personally find that to be a negative personality trait. Once again i know it sounds strange but as an example. Try to write an erotic novel. You can even post it on here. The ladies of this site would be able to infer a lot about you by the way you write.

And thats because people mostly write like they have sex. Random starts and stops. Miss placed commas and generally a wall of text could dictate that you are normally a nervous person. It won't always work but from my personal experience the ladies that are more linguistic on paper are more challenging in the bedroom.

If you speak a language other than english then i take what i said back cause that may mean you are better in bed than you think you are. People that are fluent in different languages seem to be better in bed too.

Language could also extends to comfort when speaking too. The better you are at helping people to understand what your saying, the easier it could be to understand what they're saying. And then that will extend to non-verbal cues. Such as the person you're talking to looking away periodically which usually denotes that a change of conversation is needed. Once again, it isn't fool proof but it will help you with a certain amount of confidence.

Your family and past have little effluence on your present. You need to focus on what'll happen next. Who you want to be next and how to get there. A good way is looking at your past as if its a case file to be studied and go on from there.

Do as much online chatting as possible. Not looking for anything other than conversations. Do not look for sex as women and men will know instantly what you're looking for. And yeah you aren't looking for that anyway. You're looking for answers to questions you never thought to ask. Believe me there are many.

This is all about the personality you want to have not the mistakes you've made. There are people out there purposefully continuing their virgininity because they feel it isn't the best thing for them personally to just have sex. And the answer to whether thats a good thing or not ends solely with them.

Professional help will help i'm sure as most times people just want/need to know theres someone out there that will at least listen to their problems without judgement. Which is why i said what i said about grammar. It will help you to filter through the advice people give you and decide whether its a good idea for you personally. Cause people will give you advice that could have little to do with you and more to do with their own opinions on life. (myself included)

And yeah, a sense of humor/immature unoffensive goofiness cause banana hamick on a roller coaster with fred flintstone and not that theres anything wrong with that i just like bathing in a bathtub full of m&m's with a side of brussle sprouts. It can help you to decide what is and what isn't important and maybe help you to become more attractive. Although that hasn't helped me any as not many ladies laugh at fart jokes.
 

Exbiker

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1. Be assured - there is nothing "wrong" with you, as such. You are as valid as anyone else. Have confidence, and faith. You have a RIGHT to happiness.
2. Your history is a little unusual. But it doesn't define you. It doesn't set absolute limits on what you can do.
3. Don't think too much. Don't be impatient - take things slow.
4. It's ok to watch and learn. But, don't overanalyse everything you see or hear, or jump to conclusions ...
5. Relax. Take your time. Let nature do what it likes. It's not a competition with other people. Go with the flow, stop obsessing. It's unattractive to be totally wound up about it.
6. You should also relax about gay / straight. It doesn't matter. Your body will know.
7. It's your life. Not your mother's.

Hope this helps. Think it all over. Make a list of a few things to try / places to go. But don't come up with some enormously complex plan. Life's not like that...

Good luck :smile:
 

jjsjr

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It's never too soon to start.

If you don't do it, it will never get done.

Literally start writing a list of goals and start checking shit off....
so set aside time, make time, take time, steal time to do it....
if you allow more time to pass, you'll only have more regret.
I don't care if it feels like an inconvenience, life is about how we spend our time....
You don't want that original post to be your epitaph.

Be well,
I wish you the horizon.
 

Trevor

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My advice is catch the ferry over to Amsterdam and fuck a few whores to get some practice. If you decide you are more into guys head over to the Paardenstraat, that is where the rent boy clubs are.
 
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Must be so confusing, all these different opinions, advices, ideas! Even the Amsterdam suggestion by Trevor is something to think about. If I were you, Bustup45, I would visit a professional therapist as soon as possible. Explain the situation and show him the list of suggestions by LPSG-members. He will be able to find the right way out of this misery! Good luck!
 

bustup45

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yes i did go to Amsterdam in february and everything there is legal
yes i went with a whore but she wanted a riduclous amount for sex
so i had a hand/blow job but as usual i couldnt orgasm.
so yes thanks for replying to my story thank you.
 

Stephenmass

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My advice is similar to what you see above. While you feel powerless to do so, you have to find your inner strength and want to get better. I know you WANT TO, but you have to take legitimate steps to get there. I would see your doctor and perhaps more professional help is needed (I would not begin to guess or say) and if suggested do it. You need to get out and mix which I know is out of your comfort zone. Volunteering as already suggested or classes that are interesting to you, anything to get back. You know you are a better person than you have been told by your Mom (I feel for you on that one) and you know you are better than she has made you feel. You just need your inner strength, determination and will to prove it. But your health (both physical and mental) needs to be addressed first.
 

ken3001

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Some great advice above. Already by writing this you are moving forward, keep in a positive frame of mind. You need to move out of your mothers house and be more independant yourself. I understand your age and all your friends been married off, I have gone through that myself, beleive me you can make other friends - see https://www.citysocializer.com/london/meet-friends The guys comment above about amsterdam is definatly a good idea.
 

Adrian69702006

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I'm not sure that I can address your problems adequately within the scope of a single post and other posters here have certainly offered some good advice which would be well worth heeding. What I will say is that loneliness, depression, confusion over sexual identity and erection problems are by no means uncommon. More people suffer from some or all of them than we probably realised.

For what it's worth I think the nature of modern society is in large measure to blame. People are needlessly under pressure to perform sexually, be in sexually active relationships and define themselves in one way or another as either straight, gay, bi, transgendered or whatever the 'tick box' definition may be. My parents' generation, growing up in the the 1920's and 1930's, had it a lot easier than those of us born since 1960 because there was no television or internet and sex wasn't publicly talked about. Although it wasn't universally true, the tacit assumption was that sex took place within marriage and losing one's virginity wasn't paraded before young people as a goal to be achieved as early as possible.

I choose not to define myself but, if I did, I'd probably say I was 95% straight, 5% bi and a lover of pee fun. However it would not be the full story and if you tried to define yourself sexually you'd only come up with part of the truth. Human beings are incredibly complex creatures and sexuality is part of that complexity. I certainly wouldn't assume that because your activities with women so far have been unsatisfactory that you're gay, not that it would be a problem if you were.

Have you discussed your feelings with your GP and/or a local vicar/minister? Talking about them to a caring professional would be a good start and your GP could refer you to a specialist who might be able to discern whether your erection problems had a physical or psychological root. If the underlying cause is uncovered those sorts of problems can often be addressed with a large measure of success.

Parents can sometimes say unkind things without meaning to and they don't always give their offspring a resounding vote of confidence. They can also be wrong sometimes too. However try not to be too hard on your mother as I'm sure she loves you and cares about you, even though still having you at home at 43 may be a source of tension sometimes.

I would counsel against using prostitutes as a means of gaining sexual experience. You don't know where they've been, what infections they might be carrying and I don't think they're a great way to spend money. Most crucially of all they can't offer you the emotional connection which surely lies at the heart of any meaningful sexual encounter.

What you can and should do is try and socialise as widely as possible by joining a club or two and/or doing some voluntary work. It's important to try and develop some good friendships if you can without focusing too much on that 'special person' or worrying unduly about sex. I'm fifty and I met the special lady in my life two years ago when I was forty eight. I also know a retired Cathedral Canon who everyone believed to be a confirmed bachelor but fell in love and married a girl half his age when he was sixty. They're still very happy. There's plenty of hope for you yet. The important thing is to try and be optimistic.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
 
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