My Sexuality and the confusion that comes along w/it

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by shaq724, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. shaq724

    shaq724 Member

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    Hello everyone,
    This is my first REAL post since I've been a member and I never really explored anything sexual. Well, let me rephrase, I am 23, I had sex w/ a woman once and a big portion of my life I thought I was gay. Mainly because I do enjoy the look of a chiseled man w/ a nice looking dick. But I also love women, I see myself with a woman. I enjoy the sway of their back, their smiles, their breast, the way they look in their tight jeans and they give me this feeling in the pit of my stomach like fire. :biggrin1: So I decided to deem myself bisexual but then last night I decided to just do something about my sexuality to get answers and I never felt more stupid. I decided to go to a local ABS and watch a few movies, I knew that guys play there and I was in no danger of meeting someone that I personally knew. Well there was an older guy there, he immediately tracked me and gave me head (stopped him before I had an orgasm, it just didn't feel right) and then I decided to just dive in and give him head. I asked if he was clean and had any diseases and of course he said no (<--- this is the moment that I feel the dumbest about) and I started to suck his dick. It was the nastiest thing I think I ever did. It was just hard to explain, but it was horrible. And there are so many factors that go into why it was nasty, such as: it was a stranger, it was at a fucking bookstore, it was completely unsafe, he wasn't attractive (technically I don't even remember his face), after about 2 minutes (maybe less) of sucking, I told the guy that I have to go and I just left. I went outside and vomited. Drove home, brushed my teeth and showered. I felt/feel like something crawled inside me and died. But I am still an analytical thinker and the fact of the matter is, I still enjoy the look of a powerful man and the beauty of a woman, I still and probably always will fantasize about being with both at the same time, but I feel like because I do not understand my sexuality then I don't understand myself, or at least a huge part of myself. So now where did last night leave me? Well I am getting tested Tuesday and then again in the summer (please pray for me that I am 'clean') and I think I have a closer understanding as to who I am or at least who I like, somewhat. I just wanted to rant to get this off my chest, if you read this thank you and if you want to reply I would love to hear from you. Have a blessed day!
     
  2. helgaleena

    Gold Member

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    Hope it helped. Being confused can leave you open to acting on unconsidered impulse, as you have found. Glad you are deciding to put yourself first. It will help if you 1. place more value on masturbation as a legitimate form of sex, 2. restrict sex to those you know and are friendly/affectionate with beforehand to have a reassuring level of trust.

    You deserve safe and affectionate sex, from others as well as from yourself.

    --and btw blowing a cock that is unwashed is never pleasant.
     
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