my sexuality confusion

[Freddie53]

I have been in a similar boat with you. I agree with those who say don't worry too much about labels right now. And yes, you should watch out about experimenting only for experimenting sake. For some, that was the answer and it worked for them, Others, it was a grand mistake that haunted them.

Let me make this first point crystal clear. It is absolutely foolishness to allow how what sexual feelings you have or what sexual experiences you have had or not have dominate your life.

Worry about finishing high school. I assume you are a senior. Concentrate on developing a career first and developing non sexual relationships with people you own age and now that you are 18 or older with adults older than yourself. That should be your first concern.

My second concern is that you want to marry a woman, but have sexual feelings for guys. I've been there and done that. My fear is that the only reason you want a relationship with a woman, get married and all is that is conforms to what you have been taught and what you have seen and experience.

You don't want a relationship with men because you haven't seen that before for one reason and secondly because in your mind that would cut you off from your present set of friends and maybe your family and possibly your church.

If I'm right, you don't need to worry about relationships right now with men. Let that simmer for a while.

About labels. Keep in mind that about 10 percent of the population is exclusively gay and another 10 percent is exclusively straight. What that means is the the rest of us are capable of having both straight and gay relationships or sexual experiences. That 10 percent on each end just will never go there as far as sexual wants are concerned. That means that one out of 10 guys will never have any feelings for a man and another one out of ten will never have any feelings for a woman. That leaves 8 out of then or four out of five that are capable of having feelings for both genders. In our society most of that middle group will go with the straight relationships publicly. Many of them though will have some gay relationships or gay flings at some point or all throughout their life.

When you masturbate, do you think of only the cute guys at school or do you think of the cute girls? That will give you a clue of what your sexual feelings are right now. Remember if you are in that middle group those feelings can change for whatever reason.

Again don't experiment on a whim. If you do have a sexual act with a guy or even a short term relationship and it doesn't work, don't let that dominate the rest of your life. Just check it off as experience and MOVE ON! Don't let GUILT trip you up.

Think about what we all have said and come back and ask more questions if you wish. Hopefully we can be of help to you.

 

[earllogjam]

Hi I'm in high school right now, just trying to find out more about myself. I consider myself straight and bicurious, because I want to commit in a straight relationship and I want to marry a woman, but however I think I have more sexual feelings towards guys, but I don't think I would ever be in a relationship with a guy, but I would hook up with them. Am I bisexual then?

Do the girlfriend thing for a while if that is what you are really into and want to marry someday. My advice to you would be to stay faithful in any relationship you pursue and never do anything you are uncomfortable doing sexually.

Hold off on the gay thing for a while. You sound ambivalent about the whole thing. The man-man sex craving will be like a magnet and will definitely pull you kicking and screaming. It is not something that is a fad or passing fancy and you will definitely know if it is for you or not. You have lots of time to figure it out. As Freddie says, just concentrate on your schoolwork and getting into college for now. The rest will work itself out later just fine.

BTW if you indeed like men sexually it is not the end of the world - just a different world opens up and yes you can have a long loving relationship with a man also.

 

[wingnut84]

I have been in a similar boat with you. I agree with those who say don't worry too much about labels right now. And yes, you should watch out about experimenting only for experimenting sake. For some, that was the answer and it worked for them, Others, it was a grand mistake that haunted them.

Let me make this first point crystal clear. It is absolutely foolishness to allow how what sexual feelings you have or what sexual experiences you have had or not have dominate your life.

Worry about finishing high school. I assume you are a senior. Concentrate on developing a career first and developing non sexual relationships with people you own age and now that you are 18 or older with adults older than yourself. That should be your first concern.

My second concern is that you want to marry a woman, but have sexual feelings for guys. I've been there and done that. My fear is that the only reason you want a relationship with a woman, get married and all is that is conforms to what you have been taught and what you have seen and experience.

You don't want a relationship with men because you haven't seen that before for one reason and secondly because in your mind that would cut you off from your present set of friends and maybe your family and possibly your church.

If I'm right, you don't need to worry about relationships right now with men. Let that simmer for a while.

About labels. Keep in mind that about 10 percent of the population is exclusively gay and another 10 percent is exclusively straight. What that means is the the rest of us are capable of having both straight and gay relationships or sexual experiences. That 10 percent on each end just will never go there as far as sexual wants are concerned. That means that one out of 10 guys will never have any feelings for a man and another one out of ten will never have any feelings for a woman. That leaves 8 out of then or four out of five that are capable of having feelings for both genders. In our society most of that middle group will go with the straight relationships publicly. Many of them though will have some gay relationships or gay flings at some point or all throughout their life.

When you masturbate, do you think of only the cute guys at school or do you think of the cute girls? That will give you a clue of what your sexual feelings are right now. Remember if you are in that middle group those feelings can change for whatever reason.

Again don't experiment on a whim. If you do have a sexual act with a guy or even a short term relationship and it doesn't work, don't let that dominate the rest of your life. Just check it off as experience and MOVE ON! Don't let GUILT trip you up.

Think about what we all have said and come back and ask more questions if you wish. Hopefully we can be of help to you.

8===D~~~~

 

[Meniscus]

I was all set to write a detailed reply, but then I noticed that andork has been banned. (I'm guessing because he was too young to be here.)

So this reply is to benderton. You present an interesting theory. I suppose it's possible for a young heterosexual man to find himself attracted to another man's masculinity and handsomeness and to confuse his envy/admiration with sexual attraction. I suppose it's possible for a straight guy to eroticize a perfectly natural desire for the love and acceptanace of other men.

But then you write stuff like this:

...Boys must get along (emotionally / socially speaking here) first with other guys and THEN they progress (next ) to opposite sex relationships. That's the ideal norm...

The ideal norm? Boys' social & emotional development "must" progress in this order? A little alarm is going off in my head.

Forgive me if I'm misreading what you wrote, but you seem to think that guys experiencing same sex attraction are confused, and that their confusion is caused by bad relationships with their fathers, dysfunctional family relationships, and/or a lack of bonding with peers.

You don't seem to be allowing for the possibility that a boy could simply be gay or bisexual, that his desire for love, affection, and sex with another guy could just be the way he is. That for some guys it is normal and natural to feel this way, and that it's possible for a guy to be attracted to other guys and still be emotionally and psychologically healthy.

In fact, just about everything you wrote reads like the underlying theory behind "reparative therapy" used by the various "ex-gay" movements.

Again, I do think it's possible for a heterosexual guy to experience some confusion about his sexuality for the reasons that you mentioned. But if a guy is truly, deeply, inherently heterosexual, I can't imagine that his interest in other guys could ever really equal to or compete with his attraction to women. I imagine a guy like that might like looking at other guys, and perhaps he would fantasize about them, and maybe he'd even experiment a little if he got the chance.

I agree with you that people sometimes make some bad decisions when they are confused about their sexuality, including the many gay men who date women, have sex with women, and even marry women. I agree with you that people should think about what's behind their emotions. They may realize that they're interested in something or attracted to something for the wrong reasons (like realizing that you crave chocolate because you're lonely, not because you're hungry).

But I don't quite agree with you when you say:

Some of our feelings need interpretation and seeking out their root causes.

Some of our feelings need interpretation. Sometimes it's helpful to determine their root causes (if they exist). Sometimes searching for root causes is a wasted and futile effort, like peeling the layers of an onion searching for the core, only to discover that there is no core, only the layers. Sometimes we just need to accept that we are the way we are.

Some of our feelings need interpretation and seeking out their root causes. Same sex attraction goes back deep into one's life.

Yeah, all the way back into the womb, all the way back into our genes, all the way back into our ancestors. For most people with same sex attraction, there's nothing to be understood, it's just the way they are. Too many people waste time and energy trying to understand it (usually because they want to change it) and make themselves more confused and miserable in the process. If you accept it, then you can start to enjoy it.

 

[PacknThick]

THAT WAS WORDED GREATLY DUDE, KUDOS

As a guy not much older than you, I'll suggest that the whole settle down with a woman and marry crap is an expectation you have embodied based on the people aorund you--family, society at-large. Having sex or "hooking-up" is rarely just a mechanical, animalistic act: there are feelings involved, regardless of how hard you shove them down. I thought sexing with guys was just about feeling good, too, until I met a guy who could be a good friend, as well as a hot fuck, and it evolved into much, much more. I suspect that the same could happen to you.

My experience with others adopting the Bi label is that using it in the teens and 20s is a baby step towards being Gay, while those who occupy Kinsey's middle ground tend to embrace poly as hetero without acknowledging homosexual attraction, then jump to Bi space. ...... but what do I know, I've been to the Planet Vagina a few times just to see what all the fuss was about and to get off, not because I wanted to get with the whole package and make babies.

 

[Matthew]

Outstanding post, Meniscus. You nailed it - nothing more I could say.

 

[Meniscus]

...I'll suggest that the whole settle down with a woman and marry crap is an expectation you have embodied based on the people aorund you--family, society at-large.

Hey monster, I agree with PacknThick, this is a good post. If andork hadn't already been banned before I found this thread, I would have told him much the same thing. For me, even after I realized and accepted my attraction to guys, for a long time I still thought I wanted to marry a woman, because hetero relationships were all I ever saw (parents, grandparents, other relatives, neighbors, teachers, TV, movies, stories) etc., etc.

My freshman year in college I read a novel about a guy falling in love with and committing to another guy. It broke my heart and opened my eyes.

Throughout college and beyond, I discovered movies like Maurice that depicted love between men. In fact, I think that movie might have been the first time I ever saw two men kiss. To my surprise, it didn't seem weird or unnatural at all. In fact, it seemed deeply and utterly right...not to mention a bit thrilling. Maurice also helped me to realize that if I married a woman, I'd be living a lie, and ultimately both my wife and I would be unhappy.

Having sex or "hooking-up" is rarely just a mechanical, animalistic act: there are feelings involved, regardless of how hard you shove them down...

This is also an excellent point that isn't made often enough. I've hooked up a few times, and wasn't always proud of it later. But even though there was no chance of a meaningful relationship with any of these guys, sometimes after the fact I find that I have feelings of affection for them, and I still remember them fondly years later. One guy in particular I still run into from time to time. He always waves and smiles when he sees me, sometimes I even get a hug and kiss, and my heart melts a little.

 

[prince_will]

i'm still in the same situation...i'm more sexually attracted to guys than girls, but there is still this girl that i'm crazy about. it's frustrating being bi, but also fun. basically you get the best of both worlds.

 

[B_andyo]

well considering what you said, you are 60% gay... ;0 but you just dont want to accet it and marry a women like all other people.. e.g. your parents etc..

 

[prince_will]

well considering what you said, you are 60% gay... ;0 but you just dont want to accet it and marry a women like all other people.. e.g. your parents etc..

care to explain that a bit more?

 

[B_andyo]

just think about what he said...

" because I want to commit in a straight relationship and I want to marry a woman, but however I think I have more sexual feelings towards guys"


so HE JUST WANT TO do the common thing as to have a family ... etc.
live the standard normal life... but more feeling about the same sex then thats a big thing to hide.

 

[Spunkybear]

I thought I only wanted relationships with women & only craved men for sex... it was like this for a few years... but since then I have had 3 partners & my current, 3rd, I have been with for 6 years & we just bought our first place... today actually
Andork, go with your head & your balls... it will work itself out as I mentioned earlier, surround yourself with good mates.
Geez benderten2001, your comments are the sort of crap that keep people in the closet & make a teens life harder than it needs to be.