I think my best friend is homophobic. He accepts that I'm gay. I came out to him first and he helped me come out to my parents. I don't have any romantic feelings for him. He's like a brother to me. He's been there for me at my lowest points while suffering with anxiety and depression. Says if I ever need to talk to him about anything, let him know. But sometimes I get the feeling that he's not comfortable around me. I'm not sure why. Things always felt normal before I came out. But after that, I feel like he's more awkward around me with conversations, when we go places like to the movies or for a beer. I don't even try to bring up anything about my lgbt side of my life. I don't feel like it's a welcome topic, whereas it's okay for him to talk about girls he has been with, jerking off to porn or anything because he's straight. I feel like if I spoke about getting with a guy, it would put strain on the friendship. Maybe I'm overthinking, but it doesn't feel like it. Thoughts?
My straight best friend
- Thread starter PorknBeans19
- Start date
Homophobic is probably too strong a word for what he is.
I would say he could be a bit insecure. Of what exactly, you will need to ask.
The best approach would be the sandwich technique. You hide the bad bit between two slices of nice things
Eg tell him you value your friendship and how he's like a brother to you. Say at times you feel he seems a bit distant lately and you don't know why. Then close with something along the lines of he's said in the past that if you wanted to talk about anything to let him know but you also hope he feels he can speak about anything to you too.
He may have some issues, he may not. Don't judge him or take insult on any homophobia he says. Look at it as ignorance and a teaching experience for both of you.
I would say he could be a bit insecure. Of what exactly, you will need to ask.
The best approach would be the sandwich technique. You hide the bad bit between two slices of nice things
Eg tell him you value your friendship and how he's like a brother to you. Say at times you feel he seems a bit distant lately and you don't know why. Then close with something along the lines of he's said in the past that if you wanted to talk about anything to let him know but you also hope he feels he can speak about anything to you too.
He may have some issues, he may not. Don't judge him or take insult on any homophobia he says. Look at it as ignorance and a teaching experience for both of you.
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Ah yeah for a good 8 years. But I guess we were younger and all the straight guys would say the casual "that's so gay" etc etc when we were younger. So I generally thought nothing of it. I've known him since I moved to the area.
He seemed an unlikely friend at first but we grew to be very close.
I would agree that maybe homophobia is too strong a word. But maybe highly insecure. Whether it be because of my sexuality or something else, I'm not sure and I just get that feeling it's causing some discomfort or tension and its starting to bother me.
I've known him for a long time and we're now 33 and 31 so I was kinda hoping he would have snapped out of it and matured to a decent level of comfort by now.
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Dave NoCal
Superior Member
OP, it seems to me that the change of context may be disconcerting and your friend may feel undure about social situations, perhaps wondiring if people assume you are a couple, etc...
I have travelled in Europe with my college roommate who also is like a brother to me and I feel fairly sure he feels the same. Anyway we share hotel rooms, go most plaes together, and interact with the familiarity of a fifty-three year close friendship. He commented one: "People assume we are a couple." I asked if he wanted me to clarify that and he responded that there is on need. HIs father was n art dealer/art crook and he has been around gay people all his life. Others who have not had such familiarity may find it more unknown and uncertain.
I agree with the suggestion of keeping it clear with your friend that he is like a brother to you. If you can sincerely add that he is like to brother you always wanted that may also help him navigate the new situation.
I have travelled in Europe with my college roommate who also is like a brother to me and I feel fairly sure he feels the same. Anyway we share hotel rooms, go most plaes together, and interact with the familiarity of a fifty-three year close friendship. He commented one: "People assume we are a couple." I asked if he wanted me to clarify that and he responded that there is on need. HIs father was n art dealer/art crook and he has been around gay people all his life. Others who have not had such familiarity may find it more unknown and uncertain.
I agree with the suggestion of keeping it clear with your friend that he is like a brother to you. If you can sincerely add that he is like to brother you always wanted that may also help him navigate the new situation.
When I read your original post, I thought you two were like early twenties or something,
More on that later….
I like a lot of the practical advice @Brodie888 gave you in his perspective too. But I’m getting a little bit of a different read and just thinking there may be some other angles to consider….
For starters, I’m not getting homophobia at all. To have such a tight friendship with you for so long and being so supportive as to help you come out to your parents sort of shuts that down.
But this is the part that is most puzzling for me: He’s talking about girls he’s been with and porn -with you.
A lot to unpack there.
Let me share a bit about my experiences with my long-term buds. I promise to bring it back to you and why I think(hope) it’s of relevance to your situation.
While every friendship is different there are some commonalities. Since we are naturally sexual beings, anyone who is a good friend is likely one that we have talked or joked about sex with if that is indeed a thing we do. I have a number of buddies that send me nsfw texts religiously, and I salivate, comment and return the favor of course.
Now, I am married as are most of my buddies so we mostly talk about how much we AREN’T getting any/enough from the wives, lol. But I can remember being about your age and having conversations like these about the kind of sex I was having in with more random women. And as I think about that time period, I can’t recall ever having sexual conversations like that with my gay friends. Admittedly, I have never had a gay friend so close as to be ‘best’ friends with.
He’s(your friend) also doing such intimate things with you i.e. the movies, going out for beers… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying intimate in any romantic sense, I’m saying those are not activities you do with someone you aren’t very comfortable with being around.
Finally, and most paradoxically, is his talking about his sex life and porn with you. For him to open this door and let you in it tells me he is more comfortable with your sexuality than you realize and likely he wants to admit.
Because every time he opens his mouth to talk about his sex life or porn, there is a part of his brain that reminds him that you are his gay best friend. And yet he proceeds to open up that sexual conversation anyway.
If you ask me there’s a part of him that gets off on telling you these things. And I’m not saying he’s attracted to you or anything like that. But look around these pages..Many men just love to be revered for their sexual prowess and some don’t mind where the admiration comes from.
You guys are embarking upon an age where most people have either gotten or are very close to getting married and have or are having kids. And even if not doing those things, for most people during this period childhood friendships begin to fade out and those that remain have the potential to be lifelong bonds.
As I said, I like the guidance you’ve been given above. A less formal approach might be to have your bud over for one of those beer drinking sessions you’ve alluded to. I’d caution not to go out necessarily and don’t get too drunk. Just a regular night hanging out doing whatever you guys normally do.
But at some point if he starts talking about his sex life then just kinda be natural and casually add some nuggets of your sexual experiences. If he starts to seem uncomfortable, bring that up too. Don’t make it accusatory though, just ask why can’t he talk about your sex life if he’s so open about talking about his. Tell him how it made you feel in THAT particular moment using just a few simple sentences and see what happens.
And what you do from there would be up to you. But I say just talk about it. Casually and if you can throw some jokes according to the usual cadence of yours and his conversation, do that.
Again, if you and he have the type of friendship you believe you do, this may make it awkward for just a bit, but ultimately stronger and likely even closer as buds.
More on that later….
I like a lot of the practical advice @Brodie888 gave you in his perspective too. But I’m getting a little bit of a different read and just thinking there may be some other angles to consider….
For starters, I’m not getting homophobia at all. To have such a tight friendship with you for so long and being so supportive as to help you come out to your parents sort of shuts that down.
But this is the part that is most puzzling for me: He’s talking about girls he’s been with and porn -with you.
A lot to unpack there.
Let me share a bit about my experiences with my long-term buds. I promise to bring it back to you and why I think(hope) it’s of relevance to your situation.
While every friendship is different there are some commonalities. Since we are naturally sexual beings, anyone who is a good friend is likely one that we have talked or joked about sex with if that is indeed a thing we do. I have a number of buddies that send me nsfw texts religiously, and I salivate, comment and return the favor of course.
Now, I am married as are most of my buddies so we mostly talk about how much we AREN’T getting any/enough from the wives, lol. But I can remember being about your age and having conversations like these about the kind of sex I was having in with more random women. And as I think about that time period, I can’t recall ever having sexual conversations like that with my gay friends. Admittedly, I have never had a gay friend so close as to be ‘best’ friends with.
He’s(your friend) also doing such intimate things with you i.e. the movies, going out for beers… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying intimate in any romantic sense, I’m saying those are not activities you do with someone you aren’t very comfortable with being around.
Finally, and most paradoxically, is his talking about his sex life and porn with you. For him to open this door and let you in it tells me he is more comfortable with your sexuality than you realize and likely he wants to admit.
Because every time he opens his mouth to talk about his sex life or porn, there is a part of his brain that reminds him that you are his gay best friend. And yet he proceeds to open up that sexual conversation anyway.
If you ask me there’s a part of him that gets off on telling you these things. And I’m not saying he’s attracted to you or anything like that. But look around these pages..Many men just love to be revered for their sexual prowess and some don’t mind where the admiration comes from.
You guys are embarking upon an age where most people have either gotten or are very close to getting married and have or are having kids. And even if not doing those things, for most people during this period childhood friendships begin to fade out and those that remain have the potential to be lifelong bonds.
As I said, I like the guidance you’ve been given above. A less formal approach might be to have your bud over for one of those beer drinking sessions you’ve alluded to. I’d caution not to go out necessarily and don’t get too drunk. Just a regular night hanging out doing whatever you guys normally do.
But at some point if he starts talking about his sex life then just kinda be natural and casually add some nuggets of your sexual experiences. If he starts to seem uncomfortable, bring that up too. Don’t make it accusatory though, just ask why can’t he talk about your sex life if he’s so open about talking about his. Tell him how it made you feel in THAT particular moment using just a few simple sentences and see what happens.
And what you do from there would be up to you. But I say just talk about it. Casually and if you can throw some jokes according to the usual cadence of yours and his conversation, do that.
Again, if you and he have the type of friendship you believe you do, this may make it awkward for just a bit, but ultimately stronger and likely even closer as buds.
I personally don't think he's homophobic.
He did an amazing and valuable thing for you: he helped you in one of the most difficult/scary moments of your life, that is to come out.
He might need time to adjust to this new situation.
There might be different reasons for his 'behaviour':
He might be scared that you'll find other ('gay') friends.
He might think you're in live with him.
He might feel like he shouldn't give you any wrong signals
...
I think the best advise is to talk to him and only talk about how YOU feel.
Don't call out HIS behaviour too explicitely. Don't accuse him of anything.
Be vulnerable, tell him how much you value him as a friend, see how the conversation goes, and all will work out.
Congrats on coming out, BTW!
He did an amazing and valuable thing for you: he helped you in one of the most difficult/scary moments of your life, that is to come out.
He might need time to adjust to this new situation.
There might be different reasons for his 'behaviour':
He might be scared that you'll find other ('gay') friends.
He might think you're in live with him.
He might feel like he shouldn't give you any wrong signals
...
I think the best advise is to talk to him and only talk about how YOU feel.
Don't call out HIS behaviour too explicitely. Don't accuse him of anything.
Be vulnerable, tell him how much you value him as a friend, see how the conversation goes, and all will work out.
Congrats on coming out, BTW!
He has always said he's okay with my sexuality and that. I don't think he's worried about us being seen as a couple by others because in general he doesn't give a shit.
But if I talked about something personal from my life about my sexuality or people I've hooked up with, the subject often gets changed pretty quick. And when I ask about why it's okay for him to talk about his relationships and I can't talk about mine without him diverting, he gets defensive and says he's okay with my sexuality but he doesn't want to hear about me being with guys.
I'm definitely not hiding feeling for him. He knows this. He's a good looking guy but he's not my type. And he currently has a girlfriend so he's not gay or bi closeted as far as I'm aware. I'm not sure what to think anymore really after all these years.
But if I talked about something personal from my life about my sexuality or people I've hooked up with, the subject often gets changed pretty quick. And when I ask about why it's okay for him to talk about his relationships and I can't talk about mine without him diverting, he gets defensive and says he's okay with my sexuality but he doesn't want to hear about me being with guys.
I'm definitely not hiding feeling for him. He knows this. He's a good looking guy but he's not my type. And he currently has a girlfriend so he's not gay or bi closeted as far as I'm aware. I'm not sure what to think anymore really after all these years.
im not gonna lie - ur friend sounds like a real douche lol... not that great of a friend cos that is quite frankly incredibly selfish and should really have nothing to do with your sexuality lol. especially if he is fine with it...
I disagree. Your opinion of him is based off 1 area. Considering I've known him for nearly 20 years and know him better than you, calling him a douche isn't accurate. Considering he's been there for me through alot more such as 5 times when I have been suicidal, asking me to go on trips and vacations on lads holidays to make me feel like I'm one of the guys and more. He's far from a bad friend because of 1 area of my life that he may not be comfortable with.
Have you tried telling him this and telling him how you feel? Under what circumstances can you have this conversation with him directly?
Over the phone. He's living abroad now this past year. He's coming home later this year though and wants 2 of us to go on a trip so might bring it up then. I'll see.
I would have the conversation so he knows how you feel. Being open and honest is key to any relationship, including friendships. Borrowing from some points made above by Brian74, his discussions of heterosexual sexuality might be an invitation for you to share your perspectives from a gay point of view. My straight friends love to hear about my sexual trysts and are amazed at how comfortable gay & bi men are with cutting out courtship rituals and going straight to the hookup. And they like my relationship or dating advice because I can understand both sides because I'm a guy, but I also date guys. What I'm saying is perhaps he's sensing that YOU might be uncomfortable with him because you are editing yourself so much and not letting him into that part of your life. It sounds like he has been a great friend, and very supportive, so he might be disappointed that you are not being more open with him. Personally, I will often couch gayness with humor around my straight friends just to test them. Then, if I eventually want to have a serious discussion about a gay relationship or some other gay-related matter, any tension around my sexual orientation has already been diffused. Loosen up, and so will he.
I think ur friend accept and respect u as a friend and being gay, and thats so awesome to have friend whose supportive... but his not interested or dont want to deal with howi s gay guy having fun in life...
so its up to you to respect his mind..but it just my 2 cents opinion..
u can test it by asking him hangout with u and ur gay friend...
At the end..u have him as supportive friend is already miracle
so its up to you to respect his mind..but it just my 2 cents opinion..
u can test it by asking him hangout with u and ur gay friend...
At the end..u have him as supportive friend is already miracle
I guess I dislike the fact that your "friend" doesn't want you to truly be yourself around him. If I read the comments above correctly, you have been friends for over 20 years. Not just friends, but "best friends". You came out to him and he's been "supportive" for about 12 years now. After all this time, you can't talk about your love life or experiences because it's with another man and it makes him uncomfortable. That right there sounds selfish with no plans to improve himself. How do you expect your friendship to grow and flourish? The way you speak about this, it doesn't sound to me that he even tries to make an effort once men are involved, correct? Have you heard anyone ever say "I accept that you're gay BUT just don't be too gay"? That's the vibe i'm getting. A true friend would listen. Whether you are straight or gay, your friendship atmosphere really shouldn't have changed. I mean, he definitely should be throwing out more dick jokes at your expense because that's what friends do when you have a gay bestie lol. Maybe jokingly insult you witha loose booty hole comment haha.
Anyways, I could be wrong, but somethings tells me that your whole demeanor doesn't scream gay. As in, if I were to have a conversation with you randomly on the side of the street, would I question whether or not you were just another nice straight guy being friendly OR actually interested in me and wouldn't be opposed to being taken out for coffee? If what I assumed was true about your demeanor, do you think your friend would be accepting if you were to turn it up a notch or two in personality and appearance aka be a little "gayer"? Lol I know that sounds dumb but some people refuse to be friends with others because they are "too" gay. These people are idiots but it happens. Would he be comfortable if you were to find a boyfriend and you all hung out in public together and you and your boyfriend both held hands or gave a little kiss?
I know it sounds like i'm being very negative about your friend and questioning him pretty hardcore but honestly, nothing is wrong with you just being yourself and wanting to talk about your love life with a friend. In the end, if he's not checking of all the boxes to be a "best friend" then maybe he's just a "friend" that you randomly talk to once in a blue moon who fades away over time. Not all friendships are meant to last in life but it doesn't mean that they were all pointless. It sounds like he had a huge impact on your life and you shouldn't forget that, but think about how he makes you feel as a person. We all have enough shit in our lives. I just don't want you to feel like you have to settle for a friendship that you aren't happy in nor getting treated equally just because you known each other for so long. Friendships are basically relationships, they are work to maintain and should never be taken for granted.
Blehhhh, I seriously can't keep things short lol. I do hope you are able to figure things out and that he comes around to his senses and remember you are his best friend, whom just happens to like brats over meat wallets haha. If I was of any help and you would like to talk more, i'm all ears. Just hit me up and i'll get back to you when I can.
Anyways, I could be wrong, but somethings tells me that your whole demeanor doesn't scream gay. As in, if I were to have a conversation with you randomly on the side of the street, would I question whether or not you were just another nice straight guy being friendly OR actually interested in me and wouldn't be opposed to being taken out for coffee? If what I assumed was true about your demeanor, do you think your friend would be accepting if you were to turn it up a notch or two in personality and appearance aka be a little "gayer"? Lol I know that sounds dumb but some people refuse to be friends with others because they are "too" gay. These people are idiots but it happens. Would he be comfortable if you were to find a boyfriend and you all hung out in public together and you and your boyfriend both held hands or gave a little kiss?
I know it sounds like i'm being very negative about your friend and questioning him pretty hardcore but honestly, nothing is wrong with you just being yourself and wanting to talk about your love life with a friend. In the end, if he's not checking of all the boxes to be a "best friend" then maybe he's just a "friend" that you randomly talk to once in a blue moon who fades away over time. Not all friendships are meant to last in life but it doesn't mean that they were all pointless. It sounds like he had a huge impact on your life and you shouldn't forget that, but think about how he makes you feel as a person. We all have enough shit in our lives. I just don't want you to feel like you have to settle for a friendship that you aren't happy in nor getting treated equally just because you known each other for so long. Friendships are basically relationships, they are work to maintain and should never be taken for granted.
Blehhhh, I seriously can't keep things short lol. I do hope you are able to figure things out and that he comes around to his senses and remember you are his best friend, whom just happens to like brats over meat wallets haha. If I was of any help and you would like to talk more, i'm all ears. Just hit me up and i'll get back to you when I can.
Adamandadam
Expert Member
I had a straight best friend for several years. He used to tease me by talking about how big his cock is, how it was hanging in his pants, all to keep me interested in him. Yet, he would never give me any action. Very frustrating, annoying, and ultimately lousy.
Have you read any of the thread above? Not talking about getting action with a straight friend. Talking about how the straight friend can talk about his sex life but the gay person can't because it makes him uncomfortable... literally nothing to do with getting action from a straight friend. There's loads of other threads on that.
if he is your best friend then you should be able to talk to him about anything. Tell him how you feel and see what he says. He may deny that he is uncomfortable but at least you put the ball in his court to make you feel uncomfortable. If he was a real best friend he would be asking you how your dating and social life is. He should be taking an interest in your life.
I’ve literally got the same situation with my straight bff. He suspects I am bi, but only did a year into our friendship. After that he for sure changed his behavior around me, especially regarding changing clothes after work, or getting dressed after a super, etc. nothing happened, nothing changed, but he just started being uncomfortable. But yeah, he still brags about his dick all the time, how awesome he is at sex, how he makes every girl cum multiple times before he gets off… he has no boundaries when it comes to what he tells me in regards to his body, his sex life, etc. but if I were to mention anything about doing anything with a guy, I think it’d be a nail in the coffin. So I just don’t.
z
One-sided friendships suck. It's not fair to you, not to mention that he seems to be a braggart. Obviously, you ae getting something from the friendship though.
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