A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl just how she had gotten that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg. Then the little girl asked her mother, "So, if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there? Does Mommy swallow it?" The little girl's mother replied, "She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress." ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded. The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two? ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~ One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, Dear," she said. "What's the occasion?" "I want to make love to you," he said simply. "Not tonight, Dear. I have a headache," answered his wife. The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her. "I'm awfully tired, Honey," said his wife. "Not tonight." Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "But what are they for?" The husband replied, "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy." ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."