Navigating an open relationship when you live together

chancesare

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Five months ago, I moved in with my older boyfriend. We have been open most of our time together, at his insistence. He's quite a bit older and takes meds that have suppressed his sex drive. He was never sexual with me enough anyway, and now that we live together, it's even less so. Plus, we are both tops, and he is not into kissing or sucking dick. Both are my top form of sexual expression.

We are still open, and he truly doesn't care if I have sex with someone else. He just doesn't want to know. The problem is, I work 12- hours a day, and he's always keeping tabs on my whereabouts. He's not controlling or anything, but he is always thinking about it. If I am out unexpectedly long, he texts me to see if I am ok.

I have had three hookups since we moved in. Two of them were so rushed, they weren't very satisfying. I find guys who would be good matches for me, but I never have the time to meet up because I don't want to explain why I was so late coming home from work or whatnot. I need more sex.

I am wondering if any other guys have a similar issue and how you navigate it.
 

Brodie888

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I am not in your situation but if he is truly happy for you to go and do your own thing, perhaps you just need to discuss if he is OK with a particular night/s each week you want to go out and play. Be it going to a club to dance and drink or do other things on your own.

In that way he knows what you are up to, when you will be home and you can plan things ahead of time with guys.
 

chpoof

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From your description, it doesn't sound like you're comfortable having an open relationship in the first place, plus it sounds like you and he are sexually incompatible. So my question to you is, why are you partnered with someone like him? Why not just have each other as close friends/roommates?
 

Hakan1

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I have never seen open gay relationships that worked for a longer period of time. For some time OK. But there always is a point where it falls apart. Maybe they exist but I never seen one.
 
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SpeedThePlow

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I don't agree that open relationships cannot work. Sure, lots don't. But lots of closed relationships don't.

The red flag for me is OP saying that communication is hard. Communication is always important, but it especially important in open relationships. You need to talk intensely. So you need to work at that. I would recommend three resources to start with:

1. The RADAR check in system: RADAR, which is a structured way to take stock of where your relationship stands, regularly. This helps initiate conversations.

2. Non-violent communication, which helps prevent discussions escalating. If you search on youtube you will find lots of resources. The key idea is that you discuss in four stages: (1) something you have observed ("You seem upset if I talk about having sex with other people, but while I was out you sent me a lot of texts"), (2) something you feel ("that makes me feel anxious and not trusted"), (3) something you need ("I need to be able to feel close to you, and not to feel like I have secrets from you, and to know how best to reassure you") and (4) a request ("Would it be possible for me to tell you when I am meeting someone: I don't mean all the details, but just that it has happened, so it's not a secret and you know what's happening"). Then you can discuss his fears and needs, and try to find something that works for both of you.

3. On the same topic, although they are not really open-relationship friendly, Gottman's "four horsemen" can be useful. The basic point is to avoid (a) criticism (so it's "I feel distant and secretive when I think I'm hiding something" not "you aren't letting me have decent hookups"); (b) defensiveness; (c) contempt ("you are the kind of person who can't take the truth") and (d) disconnection/stonewalling (when you won't have the necessary conversation).

He's apparently conflicted. He wants to give you the freedom you need to express yourself sexually (which is loving and kind of him), but at the same time he is having trouble handling jealousy. There are resources (loads!) on jealousy in open/polyamorous relationships, and obviously a key part is mutual security. You probably need to talk a good deal about his anxiety, and the feelings of inadequacy that he may have. That needs a lot of talking about, so you really need to start talking.
 

chrisrobin

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I don't agree that open relationships cannot work. Sure, lots don't. But lots of closed relationships don't.

The red flag for me is OP saying that communication is hard. Communication is always important, but it especially important in open relationships. You need to talk intensely. So you need to work at that. I would recommend three resources to start with:

1. The RADAR check in system: RADAR, which is a structured way to take stock of where your relationship stands, regularly. This helps initiate conversations.

2. Non-violent communication, which helps prevent discussions escalating. If you search on youtube you will find lots of resources. The key idea is that you discuss in four stages: (1) something you have observed ("You seem upset if I talk about having sex with other people, but while I was out you sent me a lot of texts"), (2) something you feel ("that makes me feel anxious and not trusted"), (3) something you need ("I need to be able to feel close to you, and not to feel like I have secrets from you, and to know how best to reassure you") and (4) a request ("Would it be possible for me to tell you when I am meeting someone: I don't mean all the details, but just that it has happened, so it's not a secret and you know what's happening"). Then you can discuss his fears and needs, and try to find something that works for both of you.

3. On the same topic, although they are not really open-relationship friendly, Gottman's "four horsemen" can be useful. The basic point is to avoid (a) criticism (so it's "I feel distant and secretive when I think I'm hiding something" not "you aren't letting me have decent hookups"); (b) defensiveness; (c) contempt ("you are the kind of person who can't take the truth") and (d) disconnection/stonewalling (when you won't have the necessary conversation).

He's apparently conflicted. He wants to give you the freedom you need to express yourself sexually (which is loving and kind of him), but at the same time he is having trouble handling jealousy. There are resources (loads!) on jealousy in open/polyamorous relationships, and obviously a key part is mutual security. You probably need to talk a good deal about his anxiety, and the feelings of inadequacy that he may have. That needs a lot of talking about, so you really need to start talking.
Open relationships are usually from those who are afraid to commit but need the security of being in "a relationship".
All relationships need work, nothing is plain sailing and yes temptations along the way have to be avoided. A side experiment with a new sexual partner cannot be written off as just sex. It's not like that. And an open relationship is always therefore open to two kinds of interpretations.
In the past I've been involved in threesomes with guys in an open relationship but somewhere during the night one partner gets more favored and the other gets jealous, and as I've seen this experimentation with three in a bed has led to breakups. My last lover instigated an open relations ship, he wanted to have more bed companions but I refused. Because of the nature of our work we were apart for a few nights each week. My interpretation was that three in a bed wouldn't work more would taking in another bed partner when away, Not how my ex saw it which led to him finding bed partners as and when. There was of course the inevitable split, I wanted a monogamous relationship and he needed to play the field. And that is why most open relationships fail in the end, both sides inevitably read the rules in different ways.
 
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Hakan1

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somewhere during the night one partner gets more favored and the other gets jealous, and as I've seen this experimentation with three in a bed has led to breakups.

And that is why most open relationships fail in the end, both sides inevitably read the rules in different ways.
this :emoji_thumbsup:finally someone with knowledge. This is how it ends most of the time. One of the different scenarios that will happen. For a time it will work but later some things happen and it falls apart.