Need a women's advice

[SticksNTricks]

So for the last 4 months, I've been kind of dating this female. I guess the word "kind of" is my problem. Okay, some background story first:

A month before dating her, I broke up with her friend that I was only with for exactly a month. So when me and the current female started talking more (still as friends), I found out that she really liked me for the last 3 months and the only reason why her friend took an interest in me was because she (current) was talking to her (ex) about me all the time and her friend started to like me after a while and kind of "stole" me from her (current) because she was too shy to talk to me as more than a friend and her friend wasn't.

Personally, I liked my ex only a couple days before we started dating but I like my current girl for a 3 months before we started dating and still thought about her throughout that last relationship.

Here's the thing. When current girl and I established that we really liked each other, we also established that going out would cause problems with her friend. So for the last 4 months we've kind of had an undercover lovers type thing going on with no commitment because we pretty much planned on just doing this for a while and try to move on. I'm sure I've mindset has changed since then. We talk on the phone every single night until we fall asleep. We occasionally send each other love letters in the mail just to be nice. All that cutesy stuff. We've only had sex one time because when we did it, we had such strong connection throughout it that we feel it's dangerous to do it anymore since we are still unsure on our status. We've fought two or three times but nothing all that serious. We would always be over it in an hour or so. But I'm seriously crazy for her and I feel like she has strong feelings for me, maybe not as strong as I feel.

The thing is, I've been trying to convince her to make it public for the last month or so because I hate hiding our relationship from friends and lying when they ask about us. She has been thinking about it but is still in serious doubt. She doesn't want the drama and she thinks it would seriously hurt her friendship with her friend.

So finally, two questions. What do you think is going on in her mind? And do you think there's anything I can do to help convince her?

Sorry if it's a lot to read. I felt like a lot of the details were necessary to answer the question.

 

[InsaneJester]

I know I'm not a women, so sorry about butting in, but imo her friend
(X) knew that ur current undercover lover had a thing for you and stole you from her, so I don't think your current girl should be worried what the x says, thinks, or how she reacts

 

[helgaleena]

You two are very romantic! Part of your charm seems to be that you are her secret sweetheart though. If you got the same buzz about being sneaky with her like this, the two of you could go half your lives sneaking around. But that takes a lot of extra effort when it gets to be a regular thing, almost like having a mistress.

If the ex is a psycho of some kind, you two would need to tell her in a public place with witnesses to keep things safe and sane. Talk it over with her and help her plan how to do it in great detail. Since you phone each other every night that should not be hard to arrange.

If your relationship has a chance for a stable future you will need practice at doing projects and managing situations as a duo. Whether or not she can do this with you will tell you a lot about how much of yourself to invest in this.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Helga said it all.

Plus fuck that friend. She's a class A bitch. Your new girlfriend needs a friend like her like she needs a new hole in her head.

 

[fire77]

Helga said it all.

Plus fuck that friend. She's a class A bitch. Your new girlfriend needs a friend like her like she needs a new hole in her head.

Helga and AE ....:You_Rock_Emoticon:

 

[Not_Punny]

Hmmmmmmm.

While some people are definitely "Fatal Attraction" (the movie) material, 99% of the population aren't that psycho.

Dude -- the chick is more concerned about her friend's feelings than she is about yours. Yikes! Imagine how unconcerned she's gonna be about your needs and feelings when the first blush of new love wears off?

I'd break it off.

 

[SticksNTricks]

Thanks for all the input everyone I'll make some responses!

I know I'm not a women, so sorry about butting in, but imo her friend
(X) knew that ur current undercover lover had a thing for you and stole you from her, so I don't think your current girl should be worried what the x says, thinks, or how she reacts

It's hard to just not be worried about a friend you've had for years, you know? They've had a close friendship for a while so it's hard to just let a guy ruin that.

You two are very romantic! Part of your charm seems to be that you are her secret sweetheart though. If you got the same buzz about being sneaky with her like this, the two of you could go half your lives sneaking around. But that takes a lot of extra effort when it gets to be a regular thing, almost like having a mistress.

If the ex is a psycho of some kind, you two would need to tell her in a public place with witnesses to keep things safe and sane. Talk it over with her and help her plan how to do it in great detail. Since you phone each other every night that should not be hard to arrange.

If your relationship has a chance for a stable future you will need practice at doing projects and managing situations as a duo. Whether or not she can do this with you will tell you a lot about how much of yourself to invest in this.

This had to be the best advice. The ex isn't a psycho, it's just that she's scared that it'll ruin their friendship. I guess they've had a "we don't date each others ex's" thing going on. But I'll definitely talk to her more about it and see if we can talk to my ex about it. It was only a month with her anyway.

Helga said it all.

Plus fuck that friend. She's a class A bitch. Your new girlfriend needs a friend like her like she needs a new hole in her head.

Kinda like I said before, it's hard to just end a friendship over a guy who came into your life under a year ago. Oddly enough, my ex isn't necessarily a huge bitch or anything. I mean, what she did was pretty bitch-like but she's been pretty good friend to both me and my current girl even after me and her broke up.

Hmmmmmmm.

While some people are definitely "Fatal Attraction" (the movie) material, 99% of the population aren't that psycho.

Dude -- the chick is more concerned about her friend's feelings than she is about yours. Yikes! Imagine how unconcerned she's gonna be about your needs and feelings when the first blush of new love wears off?

I'd break it off.

She doesn't really care so much about her friend's feelings as much as she cares about losing a long time friend. She knows her friend will be upset about it regardless, but doesn't want to lose her. Again, it's hard to put a guy you've known for months and been "with" for 4 months over a friend you've known for many years. If she didn't care for my/our feelings so much, she would of broken it off a while ago when she realized it wasn't going to work. She knows how I feel about her and how she feels about me and she knows how miserable the both of us will be if we ended what we have, especially this early on.

And of course breaking it off is the last thing I want to do.

 

[Not_Punny]

She doesn't really care so much about her friend's feelings as much as she cares about losing a long time friend. She knows her friend will be upset about it regardless, but doesn't want to lose her. Again, it's hard to put a guy you've known for months and been "with" for 4 months over a friend you've known for many years. If she didn't care for my/our feelings so much, she would of broken it off a while ago when she realized it wasn't going to work. She knows how I feel about her and how she feels about me and she knows how miserable the both of us will be if we ended what we have, especially this early on.

And of course breaking it off is the last thing I want to do.

I hear you.

However, she is worried about a long term "friend" who "stole" you from her to begin with.

Don't break it off if you don't want to, but if I were you, I'd back off a little. She needs some room (and maybe experience some pain of the potential loss) to help clear her head and re-examine her priorities.

How old is she? Sounds like high school games.

 

[AlteredEgo]

How old is she? Sounds like high school games.

Word. I haven't has a frenemy since I was a kid. Everyone has to learn to filter those people out of their lives sooner or later.

Kinda like I said before, it's hard to just end a friendship over a guy who came into your life under a year ago. Oddly enough, my ex isn't necessarily a huge bitch or anything. I mean, what she did was pretty bitch-like but she's been pretty good friend to both me and my current girl even after me and her broke up.

Guaranteed this isn't the first time your ex (who is TOTALLY a class A bitch, and an awful friend, but whose moments of kindness and apparent selflessness have you tricked) has done this to your girlfriend. Just ask her. She'll tell you. She's stolen men out from under her, clothes off the clearance rack, pretty much anything your girlfriend expressed an interest in. She's unnecessarily competitive with your girlfriend, and your girlfriend weakly lets her do it. Just ask her. I bet she'll agree that something like this has happened between them, or perhaps between your ex and some other girl they know before. This kind of behavior is always a pattern, it is never isolated, not in my experience.

Also, I'm not suggesting she risk a long-standing friendship over some guy she has just met. I'm suggesting she not worry what happens to that relationship because her so-called friend is untrustworthy. You are merely the illustration of that untrustworthiness.

 

[SticksNTricks]

I hear you.

However, she is worried about a long term "friend" who "stole" you from her to begin with.

Don't break it off if you don't want to, but if I were you, I'd back off a little. She needs some room (and maybe experience some pain of the potential loss) to help clear her head and re-examine her priorities.

How old is she? Sounds like high school games.

21, but I know it sounds childish haha. I have been planning to back off a bit til we clear all this up. It was like you were reading my mind . The reason I give her the benefit of the doubt is because I'm a believer in the whole "bros before hoes (no offense of course)" thing.

Word. I haven't has a frenemy since I was a kid. Everyone has to learn to filter those people out of their lives sooner or later.



Guaranteed this isn't the first time your ex (who is TOTALLY a class A bitch, and an awful friend, but whose moments of kindness and apparent selflessness have you tricked) has done this to your girlfriend. Just ask her. She'll tell you. She's stolen men out from under her, clothes off the clearance rack, pretty much anything your girlfriend expressed an interest in. She's unnecessarily competitive with your girlfriend, and your girlfriend weakly lets her do it. Just ask her. I bet she'll agree that something like this has happened between them, or perhaps between your ex and some other girl they know before. This kind of behavior is always a pattern, it is never isolated, not in my experience.

Also, I'm not suggesting she risk a long-standing friendship over some guy she has just met. I'm suggesting she not worry what happens to that relationship because her so-called friend is untrustworthy. You are merely the illustration of that untrustworthiness.

I'll check that out tonight and let you know tomorrow. I usually have a good judgment in people so I wouldn't of even dated my ex in the first place if I thought she was a bitch. I'm not nessecarily justifying what my ex did, but she's one of those "I put other people first" type of person. Like she would give you the shirt she's wearing if you needed it.

 

[D_ewjjde]

I would say as long as you two didn't start this up while you were with her friend/your ex, you should be good.

It's probably for the best to get it out in the open as soon as possible though. The longer you hide it, the more it seems like you are doing something wrong.

 

[SticksNTricks]

Guaranteed this isn't the first time your ex (who is TOTALLY a class A bitch, and an awful friend, but whose moments of kindness and apparent selflessness have you tricked) has done this to your girlfriend. Just ask her. She'll tell you. She's stolen men out from under her, clothes off the clearance rack, pretty much anything your girlfriend expressed an interest in. She's unnecessarily competitive with your girlfriend, and your girlfriend weakly lets her do it. Just ask her. I bet she'll agree that something like this has happened between them, or perhaps between your ex and some other girl they know before. This kind of behavior is always a pattern, it is never isolated, not in my experience.

She said she's never done anything like that before. She often gets more stuff out of her and their friendship than she puts in. First time for everything though.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Well, I take it back. Maybe I read the situation wrong. Maybe she is just as sweet and genuine as you both know her to be, and so I apologize. I've never seen it happen before where a "friend" chased after a good friend's standing crush and turned out not to have a habit of ugly competition. As you say, however, there is a first time for everything!

 

[sexualnapalm]

AlteredEgo, I think you rock!!!! :laola:

 

[EllieP]

While the sneaky stuff is fun in a dangerous sort of way, I'm wondering how your feelings toward each other will be in the harsh light of day. Sometimes that sneakiness adds an edge or sometimes that's all it is. Been there, done that.

But good luck to you guys. You both sound sweet.