need advice from other gay couples

[jorpollew]

hey family--

I'm in a LTR-- 3yrs this weekend!! I'm very proud of that and truly love the guy so much. There's total monogamy-- never cheated, and I'm 99.99% sure he's been faithful to me, too.

Sexually, we're going thru a long, dry spell. We're in our mid 40's. Our last real sex was back in February! Some light nipple play and a pitiful mutual j/o on the den couch in June, but nothing else.

Prior to February, our last sex was Memorial Day weekend 2007-- and even that was forced and very tense!! We argued so bad afterwards that I promised myself that I would never initiate sex again. And I didn't! We almost broke up over it until he agreed to get some counseling-- not just about sex, but his life in general. And I agreed to go to counseling with him, too. His therapist is great-- has really helped. A little while ago, we learned that he has a low testosterone count. So, he's been taking some medication-- nothing internal. Six weeks later-- STILL NO SEX....NO NOOKIE....NOTHING!!

Whenever I bring up the sex topic (which is not often, b/c I know it upsets him), he says that I am being selfish and only thinking of myself; that sex isn't everything in a relationship; and that compared to other gay men out there, he's still a good partner to have. I mentioned sex tonight, only b/c I thought that, with this being our anniversary, he would definitely want to be passionate and make love-- or at least just give me some dick for being so damn patient for a f-in 1.5 years!!

The most frustrating thing about all this is that I am still so painfully attracted to this man. And I know what some of you are thinking now. But no, HE IS DEFINITELY NOT "Vogue-beautiful" or "Mr. Olympian", yet he still turns me on even more than Wayne Newton-- lol. Like a teenage boy-crush, I still fantasize and often resort to j/o thinking about him (mostly mornings after he's showered and left for work). This is ridiculous! I can't believe that this is the same guy who, during our first year together, practically raped me every weekend. I screamed and I loved it! Now, we sleep in separate rooms.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I do not think that I deserve to (or should) stay in a sex-less LTR. But if I say that I love him unconditionally, then does that mean that I should stay?

I am truly stressed-out, pent-up, shamefully horny and hopelessly in love with this guy!!

(Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent!!)

 

[2ndlife]

I wish I had some constructive advice to offer. I'm in a 14-year LTR relationship and face the same problem, to a lesser degree. I know I've been monogamous in that time, and I'm as sure as is possible that he has been monogamous, too. We go weeks or a couple of months at a time without having sex, and normally only if I initiate it. Part of the problem, at least we say it is, is that our schedules are different, and I work A LOT. I'm 39 and he's 44, and this is just frustrating. We've discussed the issue, and I know he knows that I think it is an issue. I don't think he really sees it as a problem. However, this really gets old. Of course, we've been together so long that our lives are so intertwined. I can't imagine uncoupling them. It's also becoming difficult to think that the next 30 or 40 years will bring more of the same.

 

[D_MarquisDeSodOff]

I think everyone needs human comfort. Just cuddle with him for a while. If it doesn't lead to anything, it at least can reaffirm your love for him without the sex. Another option is to just give him head. That will be sorta sex, but won't be about you.

This is a tough thing to deal with guys. Being pretty young and never an LTR more than a year, I don't know what to say, but hopefully these will help.

 

[Industrialsize]

Couples counseling can be a wonderful thing.

 

[Charles Finn]

well I am now single almost 2 years my last bf walked out on me while i was at work.
sex is a good part of any healthy LTR. especially if you are exclusive.
give it some long hard thought but you need to do whats best for you in the long run he may love you as well but if there is love without sex what kind of love is that?
I wish you the very best but you must do what you must do not only to survive but to live life.

 

[Adam70]

wow, firstly I am envious that you guys have been together for such a long time. I am single and have been most of my life and would love to be in a relationship. Having said that, yes a relationship is not only about sex but sex is also part of it. And yes, cuddling, hugging and simply sitting close to someone can comfort you but it is not the same. If I was in your position, I would not just let this be and by that I dont mean force sex onto him. I mean, you need to engage this problem through talking, counselling, sex therapy or what ever it takes ... you might end up in a situation where you both realise that you want to be in the relationship, want to remain close and love each other and share everything but that you can not satisfy each other sexually and that that might mean having sex with others without it damaging your relationship ... I do believe something like that is possible if it is negotiated properly, perhaps with the aid of a couples counsellor .

... but these are just some thoughts from a single man who does not speak from experience.

 

[ginger_qboy]

Far too much importance is placed on sex!

I've been with my man for 10 years and sex has gone from a couple of times a day to a couple of times a month.

Look at it this way... Single gay guys have access to as much sex as they want, why then are they unhappy? A LTR is much much more than that special sex partner. Sex can be shared between any two people that are attracted to each other but the most significant parts of a LTR cannot be shared netween randoms. My bf, husband, man or whatever you want to call him knows me inside and out. I can share every thought, doubt or insecurity with him. I don't worry if he finds me boring or not, or if he is losing interest in me. We are completely open and exposed to each other! I know that I have his 100% unconditional support regardless of what I'm doing. I can happy sitting on the couch with him even if we're just quietly watching TV, we're together.

Don't get me wrong, I love dick but the same cock does get a bit mundane after 10 years... Sex is what brought us together but it's certainly NOT what keeps us together, we're connected on a different level. I could imagine myself with lots of other guys sexually but I cannot see myself so interconnected with another guy the same way I am now. A relationship that focuses soley on sex is bound to fail.

Can you not bring in a third party? Perhaps mutual masturbation with a third would get your man all horned up?

 

[deleted213967]

(Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent!!)

I guess what's missing from your (not-so-long) post is how much he really loves you. I would sacrifice sex for someone I love the way you seem to love him, but I am not selfless enough to tolerate loving without being loved in return, with or without sex.

 

[jaclamont]

I myself am in a 3 year relationship and we have also gone from at least twice a day to about twice a month due to our workloads and so on. We have remained monogamous all the time though.

I would not suggest a third party and think the holidays ahead might just be all you need in spicing up your bf's libido. We have tried having sex outside at night under the stars - worked it's charm, a little fondling in fromt of the TV and that occasional porn movie with strawberries, champers and cream...

I guess it changes but if you have that one guy you can see in 20 years time by your side why ditch it for sex. Nobody said relationships would be easy and someday all will fade except the love and companionship for each other. Would definitely have couples councelling if I were truley hope for the best outcome.

 

[Texasjon]

LTRs are great. I have been in one for 14 years. Sex is all but gone. I am on the side of "not wanting to"

I am not happy that I am getting older and put on a few too many pounds. Finding myself uncomfortable getting undressed. With Him. Since he has know me for years. (the old me)

I have taken a serious look at my weight, health and have taken steps to improve. Progress is slow but I am on my way. Several of the pics here are great encouragement.

Confidence in my appearance is the reason for a lack of sex. Now stroking daily has not changed. But that's a solo/private thing.

Wow. that almost seems off topic. sorry guys.

 

[Goose_Eggs]

I think Domisoldo brought up an interesting (and key) point ....... does your partner share the same 'totally devoted, can't imagine himself with anyone else' feeling that you do?

I have two takes/points on this, I'll share one regarding the idea of having an open marriage/relationship and playing on the side -- I'm single and while recently travelling I hooked up with someone on a chat room, we chatted and actually had a sort of 'click', he wanted to meet, I said no it was late (we chatted for several hours online) but agreed to meet him for breakfast the next morning. Well there was terrific chemistry, sparks, etc...... the tablecloth almost caught fire. Turns out he is in an "open" relationship of like 8 or 9 years. I'm not keen on the idea of adding 'homewrecker' to my resume, but he says it is ok and it works for them -- I really try not to judge people. He had to work that day so I meet him later that evening, we spend a little time together and end up back at my room and of course we're back to worrying about things spontaneously combusting, lol. But here is the thing, this was very passionate kissing, caressing, manhandling........ we seemed to not be able to get enough of just being next to each other, touching, kissing. This went on all night with no traditional sex (fucking, blowjob to completion, or cumming at all). Now I was terribly attracted to this man, no doubt, but sometime on a 'breather' he says to me (almost teary) how wonderful this was, etc.,,,,,,,, that he hasn't had sex with his partner for like 5 years, they've slept in separate bedrooms for 4 years, and he never imagined he'd end up in a spot like this in his life. We talked probably too much (because then you start to get involved and find you actually "like" the person also), slept in each other's arms and in the morning it was exchanging schedules and trying to figure out when we would see each other again. Unfortunately, we just 'fit' like we belonged together (I know it was just one night, but really..... it doesn't happen that often).

Well after we both get home, exchange emails and phone calls for a week, his partner finds all these emails and reads them, has gone through his phone and found my number, and goes ballistic. So they have the obligatory blow-up and he (the one I was with) is going to call me in a few days, which of course never happened. I don't know if they split, got back together, or he drove off a bridge....... I guess I hope they got back together so at least something good came from it.

Supposedly in their relationship it was ok to 'fuck around' but never have any 'connection'. Problem is, when you are out being intimate with people you never know when you are going to 'click' or have a 'connection'...... it just happens, and if you're constantly putting yourself in this sutuation the odds of it happening go up. Clearly there was more of a relationship left than he implied if his partner is jealous enough to go through emails and his telephone.

My point is: I've rarely, if ever, seen an 'open relationship' that works unless it has basically deteriorated to a roommate or business partner relationship in which case there is no emotion left and each party is bound to seek that part as well as sex. And if it is basically a roommate situation, how can one party be upset if the other gets emotionally drawn to a third? If you're considering an 'open realtionship' with sex outside the relationship, I suggest you think long and hard about what you're looking for from a third party and if you can live with the consequences if you get MORE than you were looking for.

 

[ginger_qboy]

I guess it changes but if you have that one guy you can see in 20 years time by your side why ditch it for sex. Nobody said relationships would be easy and someday all will fade except the love and companionship for each other.

EXACTLY!!!!!!

 

[2322]

Sex is a human need along with food, clothing, and shelter. I do not think it is wise to deny this need. If your partner is so completely disinterested in sex then it's completely reasonable that you seek sex elsewhere. I have never really understood the frankly Calvinist attitude that it's OK for one partner to deny sex to the other person while it's OK to accept that your partner doesn't want to have sex. Forced celibacy is not inherently good. It does, as we can see, damage relationships by instilling resentment, self-doubt, guilt, and a whole host of other things.

Before it gets to that point however, I strongly suggest that you urge him to get a testosterone panel done by an endocrinologist who will test both free and bound testosterone and will also not accept, "low normal," as acceptable. "Low normal," is not, "normal," and most endocrinologists realize this today but a few haven't received that memo so shop carefully. The second I stopped reading your post the first thing I thought of was low testosterone. All the hallmarks are there.

 

[cocktaste]

hey family--

I'm in a LTR-- 3yrs this weekend!! I'm very proud of that and truly love the guy so much. There's total monogamy-- never cheated, and I'm 99.99% sure he's been faithful to me, too.

Sexually, we're going thru a long, dry spell. We're in our mid 40's. Our last real sex was back in February! Some light nipple play and a pitiful mutual j/o on the den couch in June, but nothing else.

Prior to February, our last sex was Memorial Day weekend 2007-- and even that was forced and very tense!! We argued so bad afterwards that I promised myself that I would never initiate sex again. And I didn't! We almost broke up over it until he agreed to get some counseling-- not just about sex, but his life in general. And I agreed to go to counseling with him, too. His therapist is great-- has really helped. A little while ago, we learned that he has a low testosterone count. So, he's been taking some medication-- nothing internal. Six weeks later-- STILL NO SEX....NO NOOKIE....NOTHING!!

Whenever I bring up the sex topic (which is not often, b/c I know it upsets him), he says that I am being selfish and only thinking of myself; that sex isn't everything in a relationship; and that compared to other gay men out there, he's still a good partner to have. I mentioned sex tonight, only b/c I thought that, with this being our anniversary, he would definitely want to be passionate and make love-- or at least just give me some dick for being so damn patient for a f-in 1.5 years!!

The most frustrating thing about all this is that I am still so painfully attracted to this man. And I know what some of you are thinking now. But no, HE IS DEFINITELY NOT "Vogue-beautiful" or "Mr. Olympian", yet he still turns me on even more than Wayne Newton-- lol. Like a teenage boy-crush, I still fantasize and often resort to j/o thinking about him (mostly mornings after he's showered and left for work). This is ridiculous! I can't believe that this is the same guy who, during our first year together, practically raped me every weekend. I screamed and I loved it! Now, we sleep in separate rooms.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I do not think that I deserve to (or should) stay in a sex-less LTR. But if I say that I love him unconditionally, then does that mean that I should stay?

I am truly stressed-out, pent-up, shamefully horny and hopelessly in love with this guy!!

(Sorry for the long post. I just had to vent!!)

You know that there's a real medical reason for what is happening.

His mental state over having to deal with the issue, and your relationship, is itself contributing on top of everything else.

He's telling you that it isn't the most important thing because at this moment, he can't do anything about it, and it's frustrating.

You're going to have evaluate your relationship. Is it that important to you? Not having a relationship, but a relationship with him, the person.

Are these counseling sessions together, or just him alone? You probably need a partner canceling, the two of you together.

Sex is very important to a relationship. But he's not a person you seem to be able to move away from. It sounds as if you want to, and you're asking if it's okay to do so. It's up to you. If it's causing strain, not the just not having sex bit, but his whole personality and behavior in general, non-sexual, (although it can certainly lap over), then you're going to have to make a decision.

It is not as if he's dying. It's great to hear that you've found a partner you can trust, and that in itself is special, but not every relationship works out in the end -- sometimes it does though.

If he's seeking treatment, and perhaps taking steps on trying to have sex, perhaps even with toys or different scenarios, just to see if he can get something to turn him on, then you should stick it out, if it seems to be the sex and only the sex is the problem. I'm talking about trying things from a doctor's advice. It's probably going to take more than pills, but of course he's going to need that treatment since there is a real biological problem happening.

Like I said, I don't know if the hardship in your relationship is all over sex, or if it's that, but much much more.

You should have to take verbal abuse though, and if you're truly unhappy, don't sacrifice yourself.

None of us can give you permission. Just simple advice.

 

[robbot]

From experience, it sounds to me that your sex issues are not about the sex, but in some way about either one, or both of you emotionally.

It is very common to go off sex during any times of personal anxiety, poor health or changes in circumstances.

However, I also recognise that the diagnosis does not solve the problem.

The first thing you need to do is discuss it and acknowledge that there's a problem, and really the best way to tackle this is with each other over any advice you may get from this website.

If you are unable to tackle it together then you need to seek out a third party to mediate between you, and this should uncover the real source of them problem. Above all, you need to be open minded about all the possible outcomes.

I really hope you get it sorted out.

 

[jorpollew]

As the OP, i first want to say thanks to all of you for your honest and sincere replies. After posting, I wasn't sure what to expect, but your comments made me feel good about putting my thoughts out there and getting some great feedback. You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks again. I will probably PM a few of you directly. Hope that's okay.

 

[Edison]

My 2 cents worth. I've been with my domestic partner for 27 yrs. We've had our fair share of ups and downs with many issues...sex has been one of them. About 5 yrs ago we started having "sex Saturdays". We'd save it up all week and play around during Saturdays without getting off until late that evening or the next day. It's added spark to our routines which you certainly get into after this many years. We have had a very limited number of 3-ways (these are referred as "marital aides") and have learned that this is not what we seek. What has worked is to change our routine often and work at keeping the "spark" in our life by doing things in different places or taking risks of being caught in places just get it out of the bedroom. It is like anything else in life and that is that you must communicate and work at all the time. :wink: