need advice on how to handle a friend

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by studboysouth, Aug 31, 2004.

  1. studboysouth

    studboysouth New Member

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    Sorry this isn't about a large penis...but here goes anyway.

    I have a male "friend" with whom I've gotten pretty close to over a period of 4 months now. He is 24 and I'm 29. Over time, I've come to realize that he and I come from entirely different backgrounds and have different sets of value systems. At this point in our relationship, our value systems are beginning to clash and I am becoming frustrated. I realize that our friendship isn't rooted in much of anything but superficial stuff (drinking, partying, talking about sexy women, etc.) Most recently, I told my friend that I could not take him seriously when he spoke about his girlfriend because so much of what he says about her displays her in a negative light. For example, he tells me that he doesn't think she is very intelligent, that certain conversations are too deep for her to understand. He always brags about the sexual things he asks her to do and how she complies. He even told me today about how she wants him to have anal sex with her. His girlfriend is a rich spoiled girl who buys him very expensive gifts and he accepts them even though he says he tells her not to buy them. Yet he complains to me that her parents are "so mean" to her that they to force her to buy her own things...such a bed sheets for her bed in her dorm room. I told him that I couldn't take him or her seriously if he was going to complain that she was being forced to buy $40 bed sheets when she was spending hundreds of dollars on him left and right. I told him that he should not accept anymore gifts from her. I also told him that it has gotten to the point where everything that he talks about regarding her deals with sex or money. He never talks about anything meaningful...like spirituality, family, etc. He says that noone talks about that stuff because its boring. What I'm realizing is that he is trying so hard to be a man but doesn't realize that you don't have to talk about sex, money, and rock and roll to be a man. I know his family situation has been a challenge for him. He hasn't had much of a male rold model nor has he ever been really close to a guy. His father left his mother when he was only 4. From what I've seen, his stepdad hasn't been very proactive in teaching him about manhood. My friend lives at home at 24 and from the times I've visited his family, they spend most of their time getting drunk together. To each his own, but it shows me that he is more of a buddy than a child. On several occasions, he has told me "I run my parent's house." He curses in front of his parents like it is no big deal and basically gets his way. I am in awe at the kinds of things he says in front of them. He has sex in their house all the time and has no shame in doing it. He is extremely spoiled. Recently, he came close to losing a job he just got because he couldn't make it to work on time for having to drop off his girlfriend every morning. I asked him why he couldn't just take her home at night so he could get some sleep, and he told me "because I love sex and I need to get some pu$$y" You get the idea.
    The reason I am so troubled is because I feel as though I cannot have a meaningful and healthly friendship with this person. Our value systems are so completely different. In addition, I am getting frustrated talking to him about anything other than sports, supermodels, and alcohol. I know for a fact that he doesn't have any other friends. If he isn't spending time with me, and up until his girlfriend just left to go to school, spending time with her, he is at home watching t.v. and drinking alcohol. He recently confided in me that something very deep is troubling him that he doesn't want to talk to anyone about. He has told me that he is not close to any of his brothers and that after only 4 months of knowing him, he considers me to be his best friend. In his words, I am his "idol" and he wants me to show him how to grow into someone successful. He has asked me to be a friend for him and to be a positive role model in his life. But it is so hard because there are times when I don't know whether to say those things that I feel in my heart are the right things to say and risk having him get mad or if I should just not take him seriously, don't say anything, and let him continue down the path he is going. When I do tell him what is on my mind, he says I'm too "serious" or "taking things the wrong way" or that I didn't understand what he was saying. He tries to belittle my sentiments and pretend like everything is really o.k. Then he always says "well from now on, I just won't tell you anything because I know that you take things the wrong way." Over the 4 months I've known him, I can see that I have had somewhat of a positive influence on him. I can also tell that looks up to me. But the problem is that it is draining me to have to continually bring up touchy subjects with him and having to hear him get angry at me. I feel as though I am rearing a 14 year old male. I don't want to turn my back on him, but at the same time I am tired of hearing the really immature and childish, self-centered things he has to say. What does a Chrisitian man do? by the way, I've asked him to go to church with me, but he wasn't very receptive to the idea so I left it alone. :(
     
  2. Max

    Max New Member

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    It sounds like you are being a rock to this guy; he may well appreciate it more than he will let on ... or maybe if all goes well he will tell you how much it meant years later.

    It sounds as if your friendship will benefit him a lot more than it will you, at least for the present, and I can imagine that it can be very frustrating. Being there for him may not mean having to share the same value systems; maybe you have to stand back a bit from arguing with him about these things. It may mean just being available, listening etc etc. But maybe a little less time than now for your own sanity.

    Being a rock is costly (I have had some experience of this myself ... says he in all modesty ;) ) .. and maybe the last thing to say is that you need friends for yourself who won't drain you like this.

    But being the sort of guy you seem to be .. no doubt you have plenty of them!

    More power to you.
     
  3. prepstudinsc

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    Studboy--
    You're doing exactly the right thing. Just be there for him and show him the right example. Don't try to shove morality and ethics and that kind of stuff down his throat because he sounds like the kind who would be turned off be it. Just be a positive role model. You mentioned that you were a Christian...look at Jesus and the disciples, they built relationships with people BEFORE they started teaching anything. I think you are doing the same thing. You've only known this guy for a few months. Continue building a solid relationship with him. It's obvious you're doing something right, because he's already looking up to you. Little be little, he'll start to emulate your lifestyle, your values, etc. Then he'll be receptive to attend church where he'll learn some more about positive morals and not be such a user and abuser of people, money and alchohol. Again, I think you're on the right track....I know it's hard work, but in the long run, it's worth it. Keep up the good work! The Christian journey is never easy, but maybe when we finish our race we'll understand why we have these struggles along the way.
     
  4. naughty

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    Studboy,

    Bravo for you! What a wonderful story and opportunity to mirror the patience and life that Christ did during his time here on earth. We all know people like your friend (I seem to be surrounded by them) that have been damaged and are needy way past the time we think they should be. But this is the consequence of the fall.There are so many hurting people out there and so many opportunities to show God's love. Because this type of friendship can be so potentially draining, you need to really fortify your own belief system by staying in the word and fellowshipping with people that can fortify your walk. Also make sure you have as many envigorating friendships to counteract his one which can be so draining. Also because as we know it is easier to be influenced negatively thant it is to be strong, make sure that you have accoutability partners who can check you on your attitudes and behavior in this situation.IT is so easy when we see someone whose life is out of control to feel prideful about our own walk.That is the time we are in for a rude awakening. If you don't have some one to work with you there are two men who just gave you some very solid answers , Max and PrepstudinSC. Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your friend.

    Naughty
     
  5. txquis

    Gold Member

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    Friendships do grow and change,
    and it is challenging at times.

    In my day, i have watched and helped close buds
    as they endured relationships, marriages,
    divorces,
    alcoholism,
    drug use,
    one even joined a religious cult.

    I felt overwhelmed sometimes,
    and wanted things to be the way they "used to be".

    My friends often use me for moral support,
    for comfort,
    for example. It can be exhausting at times.
    You feel such a responsibility to a friend like that.

    Just be true to yourself and your own needs.
    You cant be "everything" for anyone...friend, or
    otherwise.
    Being true to yourself, and honest,
    and kind is the best thing you can do for your friend.
     
  6. Britannic

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    I'm not an expert on Catholicism (Jewish mother, Catholic father -- believe me, there isn't enough bandwidth for that topic) but I have spent a lot of time around Catholics, Jews and peoples of other religions and none. One thing is similar to anyone with any kind of spiritual belief system, and that is that God (or the Universal Consciousness, etc, etc) never gives you more than you can handle and always provides what you need, when you need it, even if you fail to recognize it.

    That being said, if you believe in these, or similar, things then you have to believe that your two lives did not come together by accident. I think it's a wonderful thing what you're trying to do for your friend. Have patience. Vent to us if you need it. I don't believe that here anyone will complain about your needing support for issues outside of the "LP" portion of this group's name. After all, we see it time and time again in various threads, we are all more than just our penises (especially those members that don't have one of their own).

    You also have the support system of your church to help you help your friend. Just be a guide and role model for your friend. Don't try to force any changes upon him, he will reject them. It's the old saying, "You may lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink." (Although, I like the Mae West horticulture one better.)

    Good luck you and your friend!
     
  7. naughty

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    Britannic,

    I think what you said to studboy was absolutely fabulous.This thread is turning out to be a wonderful opportunity to see the depth of many of the LPSG members. You, Max,Txquis and Prep all gave him such good advice.


    Naughty
     
  8. studboysouth

    studboysouth New Member

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    Thanks to everyone for there really good advice and words of encouragement. I appreciate it.
     
  9. prepstudinsc

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    Studboy,
    Keep us updated on what happens with your friend, but in the meantime we're here if you need to ask any questions or need some moral support.
     
  10. hungthick

    hungthick New Member

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    STUDBOYSOUTH--my opinion is that your friend is fine and its you that has the issues. Jealousy i think. I buy things for my friends and some friends fly me around the country and one gave me a cell phone with unlimited usage, so these people sound great to me.

    Ummm, i have many different friends for many diffferent reasons. why should this guy be your everything -- cant he have his own loves and you accept him without judging him. My lord, bitchy, bitch bitch.
     
  11. hungthick

    hungthick New Member

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    An the award for Miss Placate 2004 goes to Naughty...she's thanks just about everyone in her own comments ...way to go!
     
  12. Simon9

    Simon9 Active Member

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    Studboysouth:

    I think you know for yourself whether or not your friend is "fine". He's clearly got value issues. And in that he's like a lot of other people, some of them among us here. And he obviously senses that you operate out of a higher center than he or his family. So he is drawn to you. Partly.

    But be careful. He is draining you and, as you point out, he belittles your words. Part of him is fighting to stay where he is, where there is a certain comfort level. If he changes to the better, he won't fit in anymore with his family.

    In my experience, people rarely change unless they REALLY want to. Provide a good model if you want. It's ultimately up to him. Good luck.
     
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