Need Advice Please...

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Cycleman, Aug 8, 2010.

  1. Cycleman

    Cycleman Member

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    Hi. I have a friend who is staying at my house for awhile and he has been using my spare computer. It was on and I did an update on it and found that he has been looking at all kinds of Bi-Sexual porn websites. Last night I asked him about it and asked him if he was Bi and he got angry and flew off the handle at me. I shouldn't have brought it up, I know now. But he wants to go home (to Tacoma and we are in Montana). He also says that our friendship is over. I have apologized quite a bit.

    Why do you think he reacted like that? Is it because I found out something
    about him that he didn't want me to know about?

    What should I do to resolve the problem?

    He is living in my house on the sofa and doesn't have any money to leave.
    He has a key to the house and is expecting a check in my mailbox any day now (unemployment).
    I was trying to get him to move here and find a job and possible share a house.

    But now I don't know what to think or do.

    Please give me some advice. Thanks!
    :confused:
     
  2. HiddenLacey

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    Hmmm, all I can say is maybe this is something he is not ready to share with anyone, including you.

    Maybe you could say you're sorry for invading his personal space and you would like him to stay and that you will not ask about it anymore? If this is what you want as well. You sound like a good friend.
     
  3. nudeyorker

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    Umm... off the top of my head I would say the best thing to do is to sit down and say that you found some sites on the computer and may have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Apologize and say you are sorry and that the friendship is more important than a misunderstanding. If he can't accept that than perhaps he has other issues. If and when he is ready to discuss his sexuality with you it should be on his terms.
    Good Luck!
     
  4. Cycleman

    Cycleman Member

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    Well, I already did all that but he still says he does not want to be friends.
    Should I ask him to leave my house? I work and am gone all day.
    I gave him a bicycle to use. Kalispell is a very spread out area.
    He has a neice who lives here. Maybe he should stay with her?

    I don't know what to say or do.
    Thanks for your post.
     
  5. HiddenLacey

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    Unfortunately it sounds to me like this is something he wanted to stay private and he may feel like you know something he doesn't want you to know. He may also be worried about how you feel about it and what you may say to other people. Even though you seem like a great friend people can react badly when or if they feel cornered or pressured.

    If I remember correctly Kalispell is one of the most populated areas of Montana, I'm sure he could ask to stay with his niece if he doesn't want to stay with you any longer. I can only imagine how horrible the job market is there right now. :frown1:

    If you have apologized, all you can do is continue to be his friend and maybe he will cool down. When will you see him again (is he out of the house now or are you at work?)
     
  6. Cycleman

    Cycleman Member

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    He went somewhere on his bicycle. I suspect he went into town to talk to his niece.

    I have today and tomorrow off.
     
  7. HiddenLacey

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    Aw, sorry hon maybe he'll just move and you will not have to deal with it. If he's a true friend he will come around. Maybe lifes pressures are alittle much for him right now! Goodluck!
     
  8. D_Andreas Sukov

    D_Andreas Sukov Account Disabled

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    Lets be straight (no pun intended) the only reason you asked was to be nosey. There were far better ways to ask. For example;

    "oh and if you wanna watch porn on the pc, you have to call me in so we can do it together"

    Something half hearted. You may not be bi/gay, but you could gauge his reaction and maybe let him know you're cool with his sexuality without being out and out about it.

    You should apoligise and say you were wrong to ask, and that your friendship is the most important thing to you. Maybe tell him your plan about moving in.

    It seems he is alittle unstable about it all, and maybe you are going to need to massage him back into your life. No literally. Unless it works :D
     
  9. helgaleena

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    If he doesn't want to be friends then he had better get off his non-friend's couch ASAP! Otherwise he is a using freeloader trying to guilt-trip you into letting him never pay you back.

    It is your house and you have every right to look into what is being done with your internet connection. If he were doing something illegal, you would be liable.

    Whether or not he's bi is not the point at all. He could have been a pedo, or a cultist, or a hacker. It is still your business if he takes it onto a computer owned by you.
     
  10. Bbucko

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    I'm kinda torn here. Parts of me agree with ^^Helga's response above^^, especially in as much as he's the one who has broken off the friendship, not you. Personally if I felt as he claims to be feeling right now, the last place on earth I'd wanna be is on your couch (let alone in your home). As the computer is yours, you have every right to use it as you see fit.

    On the other hand, checking out his surfing history was kind of snoopy thing to do. The last time I did anything like that was in an attempt to catch a bad-choice BF in a lie, but he knew enough to clear the cache and history after each session online, so I never did. If you trusted him enough to allow him to be a guest in your home, then you should have trusted him enough to not go snooping, even if the computer is your personal property. Presumably he's sleeping on sheets you've provided: do you check for cum stains on them, too? :tongue:

    It sounds like the best thing to do is get him out ASAP. If the friendship's worth salvaging, maybe he'll come around eventually: maybe not. I'd also take some elementary precautions and squirrel away anything of potential value that he might feel justified in hocking to expedite his departure. It doesn't sound as if he's being completely reasonable in this, so it's difficult to know what to expect, y'know?:cool:
     
  11. Cycleman

    Cycleman Member

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    Thanks to everyone!
    He came back and we talked a bit and he has calmed down.
    Things might be OK now.
    But keep the advice coming if you wish.
    Thanks!
     
  12. MarkLondon

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    When I have friends staying I create a login ID for them on my computer. Originally it was so that IDs and passwords on e-mail and sites we had in common didn't get mixed up, but it proved it's worth for privacy as well. I don't snoop even after they've gone. If they're not coming back soon I just delete their account.

    I don't track my friends' internet usage any more than I'd check their mobile phone, rummage through their pockets/handbags or hire a detective to trace their movements. It's asking for trouble.
     
  13. Cycleman

    Cycleman Member

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    I am letting him use my other computer...I have several throughout the house.
    Good idea, though!
     
  14. HiddenLacey

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    Yay! Glad you guys have worked it out!
     
  15. Jason

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    I'm guessing he has issues, perhaps around unemployment, which might be causing some sort of problem, perhaps panic attacks or even some form of breakdown. You finding out that he is bi - something he doesn't want to share - was simply a bridge too far.

    So he's now had a major argument with you, the person who is trying to help him. I bet he feels he's in a hole. He's seeking control by seeking to leave (ie to say it is you that is in the wrong). While you may have been tactless he was surfing on a computer not his, and we all have to accept that such action is semi public.

    With a bit of luck he will calm down, say sorry to you, and you can agree to forget it. If of course you want to forget it! He needs a friend, but he also has the potential to give you an emotional rough time.
     
  16. SpeedoMike

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    people who care don't bite the hand...

    and remember he has a key. be trusting, maybe, but more than one guy has had a BF or guest clean him out when he left.

    it should be him and not you that that apologizes.
     
  17. bearvwe

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    remember the expression: "no good deed goes unpunished". sounds like you were the good friend and now you are getting your punishment.
     
  18. XSILVER

    XSILVER Well-Known Member

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    So... a year later... what was the outcome? What happened and did he ever end up telling you if he was bi or not? How did everything work out?
     
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