Need advice with life..........

[sfloyd]

Hello...let me just start off by saying that you guys are great with all the acceptance in this group, really.

I need some help with my personal life and I hope maybe some of you can help me out.

I feel terribly alone. I just got done with a 3+ year relationship...and have no idea how to get back on my feet. Relationship wise.

Im a wallflower. Thats the best way I can describe myself. Im not shy but really reserved and very selective with who I interact with. Im not down to start hooking with random girls to fill this void.

Shortly after the breakup...she started to date one of my close friends and that betrayal hurt a lot.

Its mainly why I feel so alone...two of the biggest people fucked me over.

I was ready to forget about them both and carry on with my life but she contacted me. We ended up fucking and asked to get back together. She said she was over him and that it didnt mean anything but I could not bring myself to go back after what happened.

I just found theyre back together and it hurts me.

I dont know why but it does...:frown1:

I want to get on with my life and meet new stimulating girls. Im usually around drunk skanky girls and am not really interested. Maybe you guys can share some stories where you have overcome a similar situation...or maybe some advice on things I should try.

I thank you in advance.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Hi! Well if you just got out of a 3+ yr relantionship you really don't want to go right back into another relantionship. Cutting off ALL contact with your ex and her new boyfriend will make the breakup easier. I would suggest that you find things to do. Interesting things that you didn't have time to do while you where in the relantionship. If you keep yourself busy it helps.

I'm not quite sure why all of the girls you see or hang out with are "drunk skanks," but maybe you should stop hanging out at those types of places, because your chance of meeting someone new that is worth a new relantionship in the furture is slim in that type of environment.

I'm kind of shy myself IRL, not reserved really but I stand back from the crowd, so I know that can feel discouraging. Just be yourself and start to find new places to be, where she will not be. It hurts because after 3+ years you have feelings for her. You feel betrayed by her and by your bestfriend, which is why I suggested staying away from them. You have to give yourself time to heal and everytime you see her or him right now it's going to open your wound right back up. Goodluck, you'll be ok, time makes everything better if you let it.

 

[sfloyd]

haha sorry...I didnt mean to be so blunt about that description. Its just that when Im with my friends we're usually drinking and those are the kind of girls hanging out at those environments. I realize its not the right environment for me at this time but other than those people I have no one else and it sucks

 

[HiddenLacey]

Are you really young? You'll find out eventually that drinking and hanging around places like that will get boring or become your life. I know some people that still do that and will never change and others that moved on with their lives.

Drinking might not be a good idea for you right now if you are down You need to do happy things.

 

[dolfette]

you can't move on to the next girl while you're still cut up over the last. it's a mistake of youth that, sadly, some people never out grow.

look at your ex, bed hopping between two men, though she's obviously committed to or happy with either, because she's scared of being alone.

more important than finding a gf is finding your confidence.
what would help YOU?
joining the local cricket club? joining the gym? taking up salsa? doing an evening class in IT? volunteering at an animal shelter?
try something new that interests you. you'll meet people who share that interest, who aren't just sitting around getting drunk.

that's my advice, for what it's worth.
...that and stop calling women 'skanks'

 

[lopo2000]

I'm sorry sfloyd for what you have been feeling, and I'm sorry for the relationship that ended. But keep in mind one thing, when you're reserved and selective in your social life (i.e. introvert) it's not generally a bad or wrong thing. But it might not help with your loneliness situation either. I am exactly like you, and you know what I do? I try to go out and socialize more while I keep my introversion. You go meet some people and see how they interact, and when you feel like you can butt in the conversation, then do so. Take your time, time will heal you, believe me. It's a really powerful force. May life be by your side dear...

 

[green carnation]

all these wise people have said it all, so i dont have anything to add. I will though repeat that time will heal, as corny as it sounds, and try to avoid any relationships until you are healed as it is in these vulnerable times that we makes mistakes in our choices and things can end us worse.

Believe me, you will trust and love again. Best wishes

 

[Smaccoms]

I've never been in a relationship before, so I suppose this sin't my place to talk, but I've seen a lot or other people go through them, like my father. My mom died 2 1/2 half years ago, and he started dating another women 2 months after they died, now they're married.
If there's anything I've learned from watching all of that happen is that a new relationship will not make you happy. If you can't be happy with yourself, and be successfully independent, how do you expect to be able to support somebody else on top of that in a relationship? My father is extremely unhappy and almost lives in a fantasy. He couldn't find himself and learn how to be independent after my mom died, so now he married his rebound.
Maybe you should think about why you want to get into another relationship, and if those are the right reasons for wanting it in the first place. I believe a relationship should be something that makes you go from happy, to happier. That might sound weird, but I think being happy with yourself is something only you can do, and nobody else.
I hope I this helps, Best of luck,
Aaron

 

[sfloyd]

Thank you guys for all the awesome advice. It really does help...Ill try to figure out what makes me happy first.

Thanks!

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

sfloyd, I have empathy for you. I agree the advice and experience shared above is good. I'll add, to allow yourself some grieving time. It's necessary and healthy after betrayal by such close friends/confidants. Sounds like you need a big dose of self-acknowledgment and confidence. Try writing out a list of your best qualities, what you like about yourself and what things you like to do that bring out the best in you. Focus on the positive and don't allow any dream-stealers or energy-vampires in your space. It hurts now but you will get over it. Love will prevail.

 

[Stephenmass]

Best advice I have is give yourself time to "grieve" over what you have lost. Sometimes I find those are the best times because it forces one to self reflect and decide which direction your life and/or next relationship will go.

No timeframes unless it drags on and on as the timeline is different for all.

Especially as you describe yourself...wallflower type...

As someone said above the gym is a great place and it will also potentially find you some new friends while at the same time looking better and building the confidence that goes with looking better!

 

[Wish-4-8]

You need some alone time dude and stop using relationships as a crutch. Basically, relationships-wise, you are bankrupt. You lost everything. Going back to the past will keep you in an unfixable past.

Make yourself whole again and start over. This is a good thing. Because you may discover a better life for yourself with all the wisdom you just learned from this last crash and burn.

 

[helgaleena]

Having an introvert personality means you are going against your actual preferences in a social boozing situation. This is not going to work. Go do things you actually enjoy. There are far too many people in the world, so no matter what you are doing, new and more similar people to you will be around. You feel lonely now because you are surrounded by extroverted boozers.

 

[dolfette]

i don't do pubbing & clubbing because it doesn't suit my personality. i don't like being around drunk people or loud people. there's nothing wrong with admitting that and doing something else instead.

 

[sfloyd]

Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I havent gotten drunk in a while so I think Im doing alright. Im gonna go climb a mountain now.
Again...Thanks guys.