Need Advice...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by James318, Jul 16, 2008.

  1. James318

    James318 New Member

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    I need advice on how to handle a situation... I don't have anyone I can talk to about it, so why not turn to the power of the Internet?

    I am gay. I am also very much in the closet, though I suspect that there are those who know the truth. There always are. I have no fantasies about getting married to a woman and living a straight life. I'll either remain a confirmed bachelor, or come out eventually... But not at this time.

    At a recent wedding, I met someone who I believe is more like me than he realizes... Let's just call him Pete. From the second Pete walked in, I knew I wanted to get to know him. I am always looking for more friends, male/female, gay/straight. As the night progressed, we forged a bit of a friendship, but the more Pete drank, the more he came on to me and every other guy around. This was very blatant, but Pete is a self described Heterosexual.

    After a group of us retired to an after party, Pete turned his attentions squarlely on me, and was not discreet about it -- at one point telling me to "be a man and put my hand on his balls" in front of 5 other people. I should mention he was extremely drunk, and I denied his advances. At one point, he started talking some crazy shit, and I talked to him in private, where he made me promise we'd be friends, and yadda high school shit like that. (We are mid/late 20's...)

    Nothing happened, other than two long hugs (I made sure of it)... I did not place my hands anywhere, and neither did he. His advances were very specific, but rebuffed (mainly because of the others present, but also I knew how drunk he was and didn't want to take advantage.) I don't want him to be embarassed (if he even remembers any of it!) because I have been there/done that once myself.

    Apparently this is a pattern of behavior of his that he is (in)famous for... As I learned from some mutual friends.

    I guess my point is... I had texted him the next day to see that he was still alive and ok (he is) but that is it. I want to contact him, not to nessecarily form a relationship, but to form a friendship. I want to let him know that we are much more alike than he might realize, and to try to give him someone to talk to. I am not sure if this is proper, or if I should let sleeping dogs lie.

    I am not going to lie, I'd like any sort of relationship with Pete. Friendship, Romantic, whatever. I just want him to know there is someone out there who is also going through what he is, and who can talk abouit it discreetly.

    Do I reach out to him? Or do I just let it go? I don't want him to think I am coming on to him (really, even though I would love to, I just want to make sure he has an outlet. He was talking crazy shit when he was drunk, and I'd rather him have someone to talk to then acting on it.)

    The odds of us reconnecting by chance are slim to none, and slim just set sail for Cuba.

    This is my first time in such a situation. I've been Pete only once, but with another Out and Proud gay man. I've never been me. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I am back in high school. I don't know if/what he remembers (or is willing to)...

    Am I pathetic? Yeah, a bit selfish, as I would hope there may be a chance of a deeper friendship or relationship could develop. And I would love to have someone to talk to as well about all this crap as well. But if nothing comes of it, at least I offered right?

    I am looking to others who have either been the Pete or the Me in this...
     
  2. Jonathan2/11

    Jonathan2/11 New Member

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    I think u should try to hang out with him more but because u barely know him do it with friends u and him know just until u feel comfortable with it just being u and him but dont try nothing to soon. Good luck
     
  3. James318

    James318 New Member

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    I appreciate that advice, but the odds of us hanging out more with friends is very low, as he lives 3 hour a way, and his alienated most of our common friends.

    I will, though, be in his hometown for a few days for work and thought about asking him to meet me for a meal or drink. I'd -never- try anything or push anything though. Thats just not me.
     
  4. mjcp

    mjcp New Member

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    If you think he'd be open to meeting you out for a drink, give him a call. I'd let HIM bring up anything gay-related, though. If he's not ready to admit it sober, the conversation might not be taken well. If he's ready to talk about it after that drink or a few more, then follow his lead. If you follow that lead into the bedroom, be prepared for him to jump back in the closet the next morning.
     
  5. James318

    James318 New Member

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    Good advice. He'll have company in that closet the next morning, though...
     
  6. timincm

    timincm New Member

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    Run, James. Run, run run as fast as your legs will carry you from a man who can only get it with for other men when he is drunk. Especially, and I mean this now, especially if you have even a bat squeak of romantic feeling for him. (And, it seems that you do.) Given your situation, I suspect it would be better for you to deal with whatever it is that keeps you from feeling valuable enough to just be who you are in the world. It is illogical to hide who you are and expect people to like, love or respect you. How can they? They never see you. The only thing they see when they look at you is the disguise you wear.
     
  7. slate_australis

    slate_australis New Member

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    I agree - keep your distance.

    Given your situation - either wait until either/both are in situations where you don't feel such pressure or move on. Its hard and Ive been there - it just makes things so much harder.
     
  8. FRE

    FRE
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    DO NOT rush into anything with him. If you do, probably there will be trouble. You are likely to end up very hurt.

    If you want to persue friendship with him, considering that he is inclined to drink excessively, I suggest arranging an activity where there will be no drinking, perhaps by having dinner with him were no ethanol is available. Unless it is possible for the two of you to become friends without chemical assitance, just forget it.

    That said, I suggest that you consider the possibility of becoming involved in a gay organization to help you become more comfortable with your feelings and provide an opportunity to meet other gay men. However, I strongly recommend not becoming physically involved with anyone without getting to know him well over a period of at least a few weeks. There are entirely too many gay men who would use you for their own pleasure, after which they would not want to see you again; that can hurt.
     
  9. D_Coyne Toss

    D_Coyne Toss New Member

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    Dear James,

    my advice is to delete that evening. I have behaved like Pete once, with a girl I met at a party. When it comes to feelings, gay or straight makes no difference.

    I drank quite a good amount, and I
    began flirting with a girl. We went outside and I hugged her, we looked in eachother eyes and kissed. I hugged her and pressed her aganst a wall, she kssed me more deeply.

    After half an hour of making out I started realizing what I was doing. I stopped and returned inside.

    The following morning I felt guilty, but I had to call her and tell her I was sorry for the previous evening, that I was drunk and that I didn't want to illude her. She had secretely a crush on me, since several months.

    So imagine how she felt.
     
  10. James318

    James318 New Member

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    I really appreciate the information and experience shared by ya'll. And I am going to take it. I met the guy for one night, the odds we'll see each other again are slim. I can't say I have "romantic" feelings for him, as I really barely know him, although what I met of him before he got wasted, I really liked.

    So I'm going to run. Pretend the night wasn't there. And hey, I kept my dignity for the night. I did nothing I regret or feel I should regret. I made a friend and rebuffed his (drunken) interests in me. Everyone wins, right? If he doesn't want to face things, no one is making him. If he were to reach out to me for some reason, I would talk to him. But for now. Ciao.

    Thanks
     
  11. hockeyguy741

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    Hey there.....first off don't over complicate things by thinking about them too much this will only mess up your head wondering what if I had done something different or....bla bla bla
    the other thing is the fact all this happened when he was drunk .....drunk people say and do all kinds of stuff.....have you even considered he may not want to talk about what happened if he even remembers

    The bottom line is if you want to be friends extend that to him and leave it at that, if nothing happens then it wasn't meant to be

    And no your not pathetic...allways remember if someone doesn't appreciate you for who you are then they arn't worth your time either.....and never settle for just anyboby because your feeling lonely, a friend or someone your in a relationship with should make you feel good, if they don't it's time to get out.... fast
     
  12. Justwannasee

    Justwannasee New Member

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    James....leave that alone. He only responds to you when he's drunk???! Find someone who doesn't have to be anything but himself to be with you...in daytime and in the night! Out of the closet...

    Take care...
     
  13. FRE

    FRE
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    James,

    It is always helpful to find people to discuss such things with. Not all of us think alike or will offer the same suggestions, and that's OK. You can pick and choose what seems most reasonable to you. Often it's best to postpone making decision for a few days or even longer because decisions made too quickly are common of lower quality.

    It's fortunate that you happened to meet the guy in a public place. That makes it easier to keep things under control and maintain the self-discipline to avoid doing things that one might later regret.

    I don't know where you live, but if there are any gay organizations in the area, it could be helpful to check them out. There are gay organizations that cater to many different interests, such as bicycle riding, motorcycle riding, dancing, hiking, camping, music, various athletic interests, political activists, antique cars, etc. etc. There are organizations for gay persons of varying ages. Some are mainly for younger people, some mainly for older people, and some for people of all ages. Some are for gay men only, and some are for both gay men and women.

    Depending on where you now live, what is available there, and how you feel about it, you might even want to consider relocation. Obviously these are decisions for you to make, but suggestions can be helpful.
     
  14. James318

    James318 New Member

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    I don't know that he only responds when he is drunk... We've only met once. He only came on to me drunk, and like myself if he is deeply in the closet, thats probably the reason why.

    I had just been wondering if I should try to stike up a friendship with him to give him someone to talk to. He really needs to see somone professionaly I think because I think he is dealing with alot more issues than that, by the crap he was saying when he was drunk.

    I've always been the type to collect lost dogs though.
     
  15. FRE

    FRE
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    Perhaps he does need someone to talk to, but being a rescuerer often fails. It can be a loosing battle and very frustrating to be caught up in someone else's troubles. I'm speaking from experience. I once knew someone with a manic depressive personality who refused to do anything about his problem. The manic phase got him into serious trouble several times.

    I'm not saying that one should never help someone with problems. However, in general, I'd say that it's not a good idea to try to help someone through serious and long-standing emotional problems unless it's a close relative or friend whom you have known for a long time. For serious and long-standing problems, professional counseling is indicated, although with the large number of incompetent and destructive counselors out there, it can be hard to find a good one.
     
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