Need help about lies from bf

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by knightiex0x, Jun 5, 2008.

  1. knightiex0x

    knightiex0x New Member

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    I have been with bf for 3 yrs.. Had issues about trust and porn. Always denied its usage. He said he would stop although the point was not that he stopped but that our sexuality be fun together. I was jealous of him looking at porn but I suspect it is the betrayal, the lies that made me feel so bad about it. Suggested to watch porn with him which he refused.

    We went to therapy because of my trust issues with him and our sexuality. He sweared he did not watch porn anymore.

    To my big surprise, i found out not only that he watches porn, but goes on gay forums actively, making invitations to men on his business trips, also has male chat friends. HE can no longer deny that but he denies the fact that he is attracted to men although anyone reading his comments, him knowing many male pornstars, would definately perceive him as being bisexual or gay, or attracted to men sexually. He does that on a regular basis. Does not seem to have much desire for me.

    He says he loves me, that he will stop but I have my doubts. I want to live a good sexlife with him, play with him.. could be with porn or other stuff, but says he wants to keep away from all that. I have a feeling it is because he just wants to live a secret life.

    Any comment or suggestion as to how to cope with his dishonesty are very appreciated.
     
  2. Jovial

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    Break up with him. I see lots of red flags!
     
  3. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    why do yo want such a tight leash around him?

    if you want that sort of thing, let him go, as he obviously doesn't match what you want
     
  4. janedough

    janedough New Member

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    I think the only way to get hin to tell the truth is to catch him "red handed" so to speak. If he wants to live this double-life, then you have the ballin your court. It is now your decision to break up with him or allow him to continue this lifestyle which in the end is only going to end up hurting you more! I think he is probably really embarrased for the most part. He obviously isn't even being true to himself- so why would you expect him to eventually be true to you? A zebra can't change his stripes!
    My honest opinion is to let it go!
     
  5. sam_solo26

    sam_solo26 New Member

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    You went to therapy with a boyfriend?
     
  6. tiggerpoo

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    Dear Knightie

    I am sorry to hear of your dreadful predicament with your bf. I think that trust is the foundation of any relationship and when it's gone the relationship cannot work.

    It seems, by what you have said, that in your case trust no longer exists. Part of this seems to be that he is unable to come clean with you about his behavour and desires.

    But I also feel inadequate to give advice bases on this short exchange because relationships are complex issues.

    Lots of love and good wishes.
     
  7. invisibleman

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    Every man you meet, there will be a lot you don't know. If you cannot handle the whole person, you are better off leaving him alone.

    I have been in your shoes. I wanted things but the guy I was with was no longer interested in me. So I had to leave him and start over. That was a disappointment. I know that you will be disappointed too.

    But think about it like this. You no longer have to deal with being irritated by him. You can find the guy that is more for you and is more open to sharing his life with you more.

    Any man that has a secret life...maybe that is a sign you shouldn't be together with him.

    If you are first dating, there should be some mystery. But if you are spending years with him and he has a secret life...well...

    People have secret lives because they feel like they may be persecuted for having them. Or they really don't want you involved in that life.

    If you can handle the secrets, and you both are truly in love--you can work it out. But if you feel you need for a secret life . You are entitled to that as well. He has one. Why not you? If he is not making you a priority, then why not have other men pick up the pieces where he left off? That seems fair.
     
  8. D_Herin_Ghan

    D_Herin_Ghan Account Disabled

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    To be honest, you both have screwed up pretty badly. First of all, I see no reason why you have an issue with your boyfriend looking at porn. That is what we men do, and it seems kind of hypocritical that he can't look at porn anymore, but you can come on LPSG which while not a porn site in itself, is used by some members to cruise others (the personal ad section, chat and gallery especially). Why can't he look at porn, and why do you feel the need to be so invasive about something which is completely harmless? Boundaries are the key to keeping any relationship healthy.

    The fact he knows lots of male porn stars, and the fact that you know he's been online asking men to go on business trips probably means you either have a closet case or a bisexual boyfriend. He should have been honest and up front about that to you in the first place, and it's sad it is coming out like this for you two. To be honest, I really don't think you should stay with him anymore if he doesn't seem attracted to you, or if he is hiding things from you. Secrets ruin even the best relationships.
     
  9. Principessa

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    QFT! There are so many red flags here it's a wonder there aren't bulls charging in her living room.


    I thought the same exact thing! If they need couples therapy only 3 years in, then forget it, there is no hope for this going forward in anything even remotely close to a positive fashion.

    Secrets, monkey see/ monkey do, or what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Whichever cute colloquilism you use, it's still a recipe for disaster. She needs to dump this closet case and run for the hills. What you describe doesn't even come close to being a healthy relationship.

    LINittanyLion, you are wise beyond your years and dead on correct. She needs to dump this loser.
     
  10. knightiex0x

    knightiex0x New Member

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    A closet case ? Don't people come out of them at some point in their life ? I hope he will accept himself one day. Maybe it is the time that he does in this relationship. That may be wishful thinking on my part, but I have my hopes.
     
  11. scorpiokc

    scorpiokc New Member

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    Red flags aplenty to be sure, with a rainbow flag thrown in for good measure. Time to let him go.
     
  12. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    OK, you patch a roof. Good as new, right? Well, almost.

    First, you'll always know where the patch is. That bit of discolored shingle will always draw your eye.

    Secondly, if it rains and the roof leaks the patch is the first thing you suspect.

    Third, if you patch it again it becomes more discolored and even more suspect

    If you have live with those three things then take him back and try to make a go of it. Otherwise, change the whole roof.
     
  13. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    OK, you patch a roof. Good as new, right? Well, almost.

    First, you'll always know where the patch is. That bit of discolored shingle will always draw your eye.

    Secondly, if it rains and the roof leaks the patch is the first thing you suspect.

    Third, if you patch it again it becomes more discolored and even more suspect

    If you have live with those three things then take him back and try to make a go of it. Otherwise, change the whole roof.
     
  14. ScoMo

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    It may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do but you need to DTMFA (non Savage Love readers that is an acronym fot Dump The Mother Fucker Already). It is a horrid state to be in: not being able to believe and trust that your partner is being truthful about porn or anything else. If that is not reason enough you got to face the fact that you want something in the relationship that he just is not willing to give you. Sure he may be hot or rich or have the biggest fuckin cock you ever did see but baby there are always hotter richer and donkyer guys out there. Go find yourself another Ass to ride.
     
  15. killerb

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    RUN, do not walk right out of this guy's life. I know it'll be hard & you migh even feel like it's impossible, but it'll be the best thing you could do for yourself.
     
  16. knightiex0x

    knightiex0x New Member

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    Thanks for your comments. I have a feeling most of you think a person cannot become honest about their sexuality at a certain point and after a certain time in their life (he is in his late forties). However, alot of truth came out recently.. so I thought it needed time for acceptance on his part. Anyways, I will work on taking things lightly so I can move on with my life. IF he "works" on his honesty, I think there is a chance. I love him and he does spoil me in many ways.

    Thanks
    Knightiex0x
     
  17. littledickboy111

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    Start having lesbian sex on the side and watching lesbian porn... That'll show 'im.
     
  18. exwhyzee

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    If you don't have trust, what do you have?
     
  19. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I see rainbow flags guys, not red ones.. Time to let this boy go, he needs men in his life obviously and he is making no hiding of it. Let his colours come out, he may be a closet bisexual or homosexual.
     
  20. Principessa

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    Oh honey, wake up and smell the coffee, this man is not THE ONE for you!! He spoils you with things, to make up for each time he cheats on you. :rolleyes: Duh!
    Are you so desperate to be loved and not alone you are willing to share him with another man? That's beyond sad, that's pathetic.:frown1:


    The basis for an excellent poltical career.
     
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