Need help about lies from bf

[ScoMo]

Are you sure your not a gay man cuz baby you are a DRAMA QUEEN. I gotta ask why the hell you posted in the first place? I appreciate the predicament your in but sister phuleas! You had your mind made from the get go and aint anything we say gunna change that. You will live your life the way you want to but know that he will live his life the way he wants to. He has shown you that it will be filled with lies, deciet, porn and plowin the manly fields. If your willing to accept that the do it. Just dont go looking for pitty and sympathy cuz you already got plenty of that from yourself.

This may be harsh but it aint nothin compaired to the hurt thats waiting for you.

 

[knightiex0x]

Again, thanks for your comments. I sound like an ostrish cause there's been lies and I'm accepting it. But.. What happens to men and women.. lets say that rate themselves a percentage of gay or straight ? Is it possible for bisexual people to have a healthy relationship ? Do you know any ? OR do you just think it's impossible ?

Do bisexuals need to be single ? I know he's not homosexuel cause he loves women, in porn or real life.. As for me, he thinks I'm beautiful and desirable but just seems to have put his energy into hiding, feeling guilty..so creating distance between us. I am trying to work things out with him so we can continue our relationship doing fun things together, travelling like we have.. I just see a bit of hope with truthfulness. If he is not truthful I will leave as soon as I can (within a month).

DAH.. Maybe there are things I don't understand.. cause to me, being bisexual (as a part of me is) does not stop me desiring him and fantasizing about other women.. It's something I never hid from him. I don't feel guilty about it - I've had a taste of having fun with women sexually but I don't miss it at all while in my relationship with him. Even if I did have one in my relationship I would not think it's a tragedy.

I just hope that he decides to be honest.. we'll see where it takes us. It's been two days that I discovered those things about him.. I'll leave him with his thoughts about this.. See, we have alot going for us in other areas.. It's worth the try.

I read your comments, I agree with the fact that we screwed up - he hurt me with his lies - but aren't there couples who have been through similar situations and still love each other.. I heard of some.. or were they just fairy tales..

 

[knightiex0x]

Are you sure your not a gay man cuz baby you are a DRAMA QUEEN.

Ha ! Ha !

I gotta ask why the hell you posted in the first place? I appreciate the predicament your in but sister phuleas! You had your mind made from the get go and aint anything we say gunna change that.

You guys are helping me alot seriously.. I'm just not ready to give-up yet.. I'm giving him a chance-- it's only been a couple of days since I found out the things about men. I'm sure I'm the only one who knows except his virtual friends ​

You will live your life the way you want to but know that he will live his life the way he wants to. He has shown you that it will be filled with lies, deciet, porn and plowin the manly fields. If your willing to accept that the do it.

Just dont go looking for pitty and sympathy cuz you already got plenty of that from yourself.

This may be harsh but it aint nothin compaired to the hurt thats waiting for you.

I will know soon how it goes. Thanks for your concern.

 

[1BiGG1]

Any comment or suggestion as to how to cope with his dishonesty are very appreciated.

This is an easy one. There are many, and I do mean many men that play with other men while at the same time live a traditional life with a wife and/or kids. A lot of these guys having sex with other men is no different than playing with toys and other things they did with other boys when they were young.

Some of their wives/girlfriends know this about them and some do not. Many of those that do know accept this about their man because they know its just playtime for him while at the same time he truly does love her. This is nothing new or unique as it’s been going on since the beginning of recorded history at the very least.

What you gotta figure out is if his known mannerisms are something you love him enough to accept or not. Him being dishonest about this is built-in because it needs too be with your stance on the subject. If you really love him try another stance.

 

[knightiex0x]

This is an easy one. There are many, and I do mean many men that play with other men while at the same time live a traditional life with a wife and/or kids. A lot of these guys having sex with other men is no different than playing with toys and other things they did with other boys when they were young.

Wish it was that easy. I wish his playing with toys did'nt take so much of his energy to play with me more often. That's what I'm missing.

What you gotta figure out is if his known mannerisms are something you love him enough to accept or not.

I can accept it with the honesty and him balancing his sexual energy - playtime with friends but priority with girlfriend

Him being dishonest about this is built-in because it needs too be with your stance on the subject. If you really love him try another stance.

That is the ultimatum. If my attitude about it is open and he can feel it, he'll have to be honest - if he's not, I'm leaving him.

Thanks for your reply

 

[Hockeytiger]

This is an ugly situation. First of all, you need to let the porn issue go. When men enter into monogamous relationships we give up things, but we don't give up the right to control our own fantasies. That is exclusively our own domain. The exception to that is if his porn surfing is interfering with his duties around the house or with you. For example, if he is more interested in surfing for porn than having sex with you, there is a problem. (Or if he is paying for porn to the extent that you can't pay bills, or he hasn't mowed the lawn in three weeks because he is too busy surfing for porn.) Otherwise, let it go. The gender is just built that way. In the future, if it really bothers you, from a trust standpoint, ask if you can participate in it a little bit. Find out what he likes, and don't make him feel ashamed about it.

Secondly, from what you described, it looks like he is, at a minimum, bisexual, which is NOT necessarily a problem, if the two of you talk it through. But the fact that he is soliciting sex from guys IS a problem and you need to come down hard on that. Note, come down hard on the soliciting sex part, not the bisexual part. If you love him, don't make him feel ashamed about his sexuality. Rather, make him feel ashamed for cheating on you or trying to do so. (Honestly, I don't see much future here, a cheater is a cheater. But I'd love to be proven wrong.) If he is genuinely gay, then obviously it is over. If he is bi, it isn't necessarily over. If this relationship is going to work, the two of you are going to have to be open and honest about your sexualities with each other. He needs to be able to express his desire for men around you without feeling ashamed about it, or feeling as if he is rejecting you.

I am bisexual and married (though my gay side isn't nearly as strong as some guys). We are in an exclusive relationship. It can work. But you have to accept him for who he is (and so does he btw). But that does not mean you have to accept him cheating on you. If he thinks he can live in an exclusive relationship (and that is a HUGE if, many men, whether straight, gay, or bi, simply can't do it), then it might work out. But he has to be completely honest with himself (again, the temptation to lie even to oneself can be overwhelming) and with you. You have to be able to trust each other, and if the trust isn't there, on either side, then it is over and you need to move on.

 

[bguy]

I am sorry to hear of your dreadful predicament with your bf. I think that trust is the foundation of any relationship and when it's gone the relationship cannot work.

Trust is not the foundation of a good relationship, honesty is. She can't trust him (and shouldn't) because he has been dishonest.

 

[knightiex0x]

He denies everthing.. Says it was all a game !! - So what comes out of this is that he's been fooling himself, me and his virtual friends.

Best revenge is to start feeling better about myself,take all the stuff he bought me and leave him ALONE - because he has no friends, is very isolated.

Thanks everyone

 

[ZOS23xy]

Virtual homosexuality? New concept? A game? why does anyone want to make someone they love unhappy and uneasy?

You can come out late in life, yes, and being bi doesn't mean alone. If you can't handle it now, you can't handle it later.

 

[Sklar]

He denies everthing.. Says it was all a game !! - So what comes out of this is that he's been fooling himself, me and his virtual friends.

Best revenge is to start feeling better about myself,take all the stuff he bought me and leave him ALONE - because he has no friends, is very isolated.

Thanks everyone

And people wonder why women stay in abusive relationships.

Here's the way I read this entire post:

Lady, you brought this on YOURSELF.

You thought you could change him - - you thought wrong.

You thought couples therapy would help - - you thought wrong.

You like that he buys you things and takes you on trips - - you're a gold digger and jealous that he spends his time with other people doing the same thing he is doing with you.

Here's a classic post from you that sums up your hypocrisy:

"Maybe there are things I don't understand.. cause to me, being bisexual (as a part of me is) does not stop me desiring him and fantasizing about other women.. It's something I never hid from him. I don't feel guilty about it - I've had a taste of having fun with women sexually but I don't miss it at all while in my relationship with him. Even if I did have one in my relationship I would not think it's a tragedy."

LADY, IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S A TRAGEDY, HE SURE AS HELL WON'T! Grow the fuck up.

You're very first paragraph is:

I have been with bf for 3 yrs.. Had issues about trust and porn. Always denied its usage. He said he would stop although the point was not that he stopped but that our sexuality be fun together. I was jealous of him looking at porn but I suspect it is the betrayal, the lies that made me feel so bad about it. Suggested to watch porn with him which he refused.

You KNEW going in this is what you were in for - - but you closed your eyes to it in the begining thinking: "He's going to change. I'll help him to do it."

Here's another one:

"I just hope that he decides to be honest.. we'll see where it takes us. It's been two days that I discovered those things about him.. I'll leave him with his thoughts about this.. See, we have alot going for us in other areas.. It's worth the try."

It hasn't been two days since you discovered this. Especially if you have been in couples therapy! It's been two days since you finally OPENED YOUR EYES.

I personally think you're a tad bit self absorbed and vain. I don't know how old you are and I don't really care because whether you are 18 or 40 the attitude is the same: It's all about YOU!

I agree with all the other posters here, the two of you should break up.

NOT because you finally opened your eyes to see what was going on around you.

You two need to break up because YOU are too controlling and demanding.

Answer me this:

How did you find out all of this information about him?

Did you violate his trust and go snooping through all of his belongings?

Do you think it's ok to violate someone elses trust because they violated yours?

Are you guys living together? Or did you break into his place to find out all that you wanted to know?

Seriously, inquiring minds want to know!

 

[D_Hugo Slobya]

... Best revenge is to start feeling better about myself,take all the stuff he bought me and leave him ALONE - because he has no friends, is very isolated...

That is quite shallow no?

Overall I must agree with Sklar. Interestingly enough you chose not to answer him. Pretty revealing...