Need help sorting this out

[D_Leotols Toy]

Broke up with my girlfriend who I've been on and off with and have posted about her before, but in a time of need, friends don't seem to be there so I'll turn to this forum.

We broke up cause I just wasn't feeling those ooey gooey feelings like I had from the get-go and started questioning everything, like the relationship, love, my feelings, whatever and it just snowballed. But with no real reason or rhyme that I could pinpoint, it wasn't anything about her or what she did. I still care about her deeply. But now that we're broken up and it's been about a month, there's not a day that goes by that she's not on my mind from morning to night and I feel like a total wreck still. I know time is the key and all, but why do I feel like such a mess and I broke up with her? I rarely cry, but I can't even hold that back now.

One of my friends said that going back to her would just be easy and that I shouldn't, but damn this sucks.

 

[monel]

Well you're in luck because I'm the relationship expert. Not really. In fact not even close but I'll give you my 2 cents anyway and you can do with it what you will. If you weren't feeling it when you were together you were right to end it. The second guessing you are experiencing now is because you feel guilty - which you shouldn't - and because of the change in the status to which you had become accustomed. Namely as part of a couple. You are 21 years old for God sake! You will date and break up with more woman until you eventually find the person with whom everything clicks. Don't feel guilty. Don't second guess. Just get back out there. When you are ready you'll find "the one".

 

[B_thenakedgardener]

don't go back

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Let me get this... you HAD the ooey gooeys... and Lost them?
And now you can stop thinking about the girl?

'Sounds like the gooey ain't really gone.... just your spine.

Maybe you're just second guessing yourself like a lot of guys do... as a means to avoid commitment.

Maybe you are just not ready for a full on relationship that will lead to changes in your life. You secretly want to sew more oats, be free to hang all night with the dudes, and party.. but your body and your heart misses her and you can't help but wonder if she was your best chance...



Try this... make a decision.... either you WANT relationship and to get on with the adult part of your life.
Or you want to party hearty and put it off as long as you can.



You sound to me like every other guy I know who keeps talking himself out of lasting relationships...

 

[D_Leotols Toy]

Yea I've only been in 2 relationships, this being the second. Polar opposites, the first I gave my all and got fucked, this one I was guarded and she gave her all.

My biggest fear is getting into another relationship and it playing out the same way with me backing out. I don't think I have a fear of commitment, but maybe subconsciously I do.
Either way, I can't help telling myself that she deserves much better then having me toy with her feelings.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Yes, she deserves better...

but your response contains the actual seed of your problem, which has nothing to do with her.


You admit that you are guarded due to having been hurt.

I understand and have compassion for that armoring of one's heart...

But I promise you that hardening yourself to injury will not get you the love you crave... will not lead you to the relationship that will make it all worthwhile.

Heartbreak is not a tragedy... it is proof that you gave something your all... that you were 'all in'...

And it takes real courage to sally forth after having your heart shattered and lay it entirely on the line the next time... but that is what you must do.

hard to convince someone of 21, but life is staggeringly short, and your opportunities to find someone to share it with become increasingly rare as time courses on.

What point is there in putting years of your life into a relationship you are not fully vested in? To spend 3 or 4 or 5 years with someone only to shrug and say "eh' when it comes to an end?


No. I do not want any love unless it is the kind that will break me in two to lose.
I want to feel that connection and that ecstasy that makes it agony to let go.

Stop protecting yourself, because the only thing you're protecting yourself from is love.



The guys I know who can't commit are all basically doing the same thing... bailing out before someone else has the chance to hurt them even worse.

That is a losers game.

It takes courage to risk your heart... but any woman worth a damn deserves to see you lay it on the line for her.

And hey, a broken heart won't kill you.
Mine's been shattered 3 times... and every one of those women was well worth the pain.

 

[D_Leotols Toy]

I really dig that post, gives me a lot of insight. You're definitely right and nailed it on the head. I guess my perception of love and relationships has been skewed, something I pretty much already knew, but that really broke it down for me. I appreciate your advice.