Need some advice guys (long)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by neworlnssteel, Jan 12, 2005.

  1. neworlnssteel

    neworlnssteel New Member

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    Hey group I need some advice on a sensitive topic.
    To give the short version of it I have always considered myself straight and have had plenty of irlfriends. Inside I have always had an attraction to other guys and have come to the conclusion that I am bisexual but am not out to anyone.
    Well a bout 6 mos ago I met a guy who I got to knwo very well and became atttracted to him almost immediately I didnt know if he was gay or not but had my suspicions. We shared so much of our own experiences and such that I knew that if ever there was someone I was meant to be with I thought it was him. One night when we were alone in my apt he asked me for a massage, so I gave him a full body massage. In turn he also gave me one. When he was giving me mine I started to instinctively rub his legs. Within seconds he turned me over and started kissing me passionately . That night we were intimate together but there was no sex.
    We satrted to become even closer then sharing beds and soon began to express how much we loved each other. He said he would marry me if we could. I have never been in love beefore and I was totally wrapped up in him. I decided that I would make a big move and move in with him. Things were fine in the begining until a girl he used to like suddenly beacme available. I noticced he started pushing me away and never said I love you as much. He also started being abusive verbally calling me a fag and homo even though he said he was always palying. I started blaming myself because I htought I had done something wrong.
    Well last week I could tell something was wrong and we had a serious talk. He explained that he wanted to get with this girl because he felt that he was missing an opportunity with her. He really wanted kids and thats what he kept repeating (he wanted kids). We had been having sex the last couple months and he said he felt that might have been wrong. (even though he initiated it and seemed to enjoy it a lot). In the end we decided to be just friends.
    The problem is we still live together and he wants me to move with him again to a new city. He has again started kissing me and sleeping with me again sexually but no intercourse. He is now as passionate with me as he was when we first met. I am so confudsed because he wanted out yet he is still here acting like things never changed. He also still denies that he is not totally straight. Many people would think he is gay from the things he likes and does. He loves decorating,shows like queer eye and Manhunt and other stuff stereotypically gay. He also still comments on other guys bodies and even yesterday when a guy was undressing on tv he stopped and rewound it to watch it over in slow mo.
    I feel he is just denying who he is and is afraid of coming out as he has told me over and over again. He says he wants children really bad and I think that is the ONLY reason he wants to get with this other girl and to please his family cause they expect him to marry this girl. He still says that I am his sole mate and he never wants that to change.
    I want to be able to move on if he is not my future but I believe he is and would gladly live a secret life with him forever if I could, but I am so confused on where he stands and what he wants. I guess I am asking for advice on how to handle the situation and if I should approach him on his seemingly denial of who he is. I will provide more info if needed. Thanx Group you guys are always helpful.
     
  2. Knight-7x6

    Knight-7x6 New Member

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    Well if he's asking or letting you move in with him to another town, he wants you around. If he's getting with this girl then its clear he only wants you around to fuck in the meantime. You may have to dump him and just get out of there, or maybe stay with him and get one over on him, bide some time til you have the cash and whatnot to get out of there. Turn him down for sex, that'll teach him.
     
  3. madame_zora

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    Well, it sure sounds like a tough situation for you. It's a shame people are so confused about their own motives that they often end up sending very unclear messages to the ones they love. It seems you two do have quite a bond, but this "family expectation" thing seems to be strong for him as well. Before moving anywhere with him though, you have a right to some clarification. I think a serious talk is in order, and you need to make clear to him what you would and would not find acceptable. Perhaps you need to clarify that for yourself as well.

    People find a lot of ways to make happy lives, and I wish you Godspeed in finding yours, but please don't sell yourself short by getting only a pice of something if what you really want is the whole pie. You deserve love that is not clouded with confusion, if it is not to be with this guy, I would grieve the loss and move on. Good luck with all.
     
  4. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    If he really thinks of you as his soulmate, but allows his relationship with a woman to affect the way he treats you, are you willing to put up with that bullshit? If he does marry that woman, you will always resent her because she has legal recognition as his mate and is legally entitled to benefits that you are denied. You will feel left out and you'll likely feel that your relationship is inferior to his marriage. Add to that fact that her providing him with children will establish a bond with her that you can never share. In her eyes, you will always be the intruder. You are not a part of their marriage and are the fly in their ointment. At the same time, she knows that you can provide her husband with something that she can't, and she will resent your presence. Mr. Wonderful seems to not mind placing the two of you in an uncomfortable situation just so he can have the best of both worlds. I hate to have to say it, but that is a lack of respect that you do not deserve. He has to realize what a fucked setup he is trying to establish, yet he doesn't sound like it bothers him. I know it's hard, but I would just have to bid him farewell. Why settle for being a second class citizen in a relationship that obviously means more to you than it does to him? You deserve better; you deserve to be happy.
     
  5. neworlnssteel

    neworlnssteel New Member

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    Wow you guys are really helping me. I know I made him sound so mean but he really is a great guy. After "breaking up" he has treated me so much better and I think it was the commitment thing that really bothered him before. I know that I do deserve better and plan on trying to move on as soon as possible. I would love for him to choose me in the end and still hold out hope but when the time comes I will be ready to go. I dont wanna be second place with anyone male or female.
    I am concerned though with his future. I still think he is confused with who he is and will never be happy while battling both of his desires. He never really dais he wants to marry that girl or any other woman, but insist he wants a child. We all want children to call our own and please our family and I think that is the only thing he is concerned with. If I could give him children I think I wouldnt have this conversation. So I will keep you guys updated and anyone else feel free to reply as I would love more input.
     
  6. KinkGuy

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    You can't make these decisions for him. He must resolve the issues regarding his sexuality himself. The worst mistake you could make for yourself, is thinking that if you love him enough and put up with enough shit, he will pick you. He is in NO condition to pick anyone. I'm not saying that in time he won't resolve everything and indeed want to re-establish your relationship, but in the meantime, protect yourself, be your own man and don't buy into HIS doubts and confusion. You will be ok.
     
  7. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    If you can't love yourself then who the hell can you love. It sounds like to me that you both need some time away from the other to figure some things out. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and when I say a break I mean just that. It seems that some people often fall into the pitfalls of not being able to separate themselves from their partner for any length of time. Meaning that if you do take some time for yourself then take that time for yourself and not for him. He sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. He's got you, this great friend and possible soul mate with whom he has a very loving and meaningful relationship plus a sexual relationship to boot and he has this girl with whom he feels that he can fill society's role that a "man" is supposed to fill. He can marry her and have 2.5 kids and live in a little 1930s bungalow with a fenced in yard and a dog. But what happens when he sneaks off to be with you? That certainly is not fair to you or to yourself. So my suggestion would be to break away from a little bit which I know will be very difficult especially since the two of you live together. Like I said, spend some time working on you and loving yourself 100%. I wish you the very best. - Kyle
     
  8. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Your friend seems to be a selfish in your relationship...He wants to have his cake and eat it too...It sounds like he definitely has a strong bond w/you and probably can not express himself w/this young lady as well as he does w/you...You are probably some sort of security blanket to him and he is not willing to give that up...If I was you I would think long and hard before moving to another city w/him...I am sure your feelings for him are strong but in the long run your heart will not be hurting as much...Reminds me of the Colin Farrel movie - A Home at the end of the Word...You should check it out...
     
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