Need Some Advice....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Jay Sockafeller, Apr 22, 2011.

  1. D_Jay Sockafeller

    D_Jay Sockafeller New Member

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    Ok so this is probably going to be a relatively long post and thanks for everyone who reads this. So I'm not a big poster here usually (I prefer to search more and just read what other people write). There seem to be a lot of great people here that give some terrific advice, so here goes...

    Alright so I'm a 25 year old guy that has known he likes guys more than your "completely straight" heterosexual male should. I've had this grandeur lifestyle build up in my head for what my life is supposed to be like. (I made a post about this before and the replies really helped me get through this). I was having a lot of hang-ups still realizing that "I like men too". I've recently realized that I'm okay with this fact, and furthermore I finally feel like I can let go of this "American Dream" fantasy that has been instilled and build up in my head for how my life is "supposed" to be. I finally realized that so what I like dudes too that means two things for me: 1. I can date twice as many people as someone who only likes one sex and 2. I'm still the same person now I've just kind of accepted who I am.

    That being said I'm still having a difficult time accepting who I am as a whole. I realize that's a bridge that only I can cross when I'm ready to. I see that now and have more so embraced that fact. Anyways now that I have given a little background information here is my real problem. Seeing as I'm "bi" (I really hate labeling myself I don't think sexuality is a disease that needs a label), I find both men and women attractive. So I've been kind of seeing this girl for a while now. By kind of seeing, I mean it started off as friends with benefits and now it may be turning into more. We established these "rules" at the beginning about how it was never going to get serious and it was just for fun in the meantime. Well let me tell you this after about 3 years of just fooling around some things really begin to change. Anyways, I feel a level of attraction towards this girl and could really see something happening there. Now this next statement might offend or make people upset so I'll say it the best way I can (mind you I would NEVER say this in real life). I don't necessarily see myself really with this girl because of the physical attractiveness I have to her. She is on the bigger side and to be honest it was ok when we were FBs, but now that dating is a topic I'm not so sure. I'd like to think that things like this don't matter and I really feel like I could give a shit what people think of us when we're together, but this trepidation I have makes me second guess myself on those previous points.

    She told me back in December that she had feelings for me. (Mind you no one, and i mean no one, knows/thinks I'm remotely into guys at this point) I told her that I just didn't feel the same way at the moment. This was basically true for two reasons: 1. The physical attractiveness and 2. I was kind of into guys too. Alright so fast forward now to about the beginning of April/ end of March. We hooked up a couple times in between but not like before and that idea of her liking me was on my mind. Also I was kind of warming up to the idea that i liked her (even given my previous 2 trepidations). Anyways at this time I found out that she was starting to go on dates with some other guys that she had met. I thought this was initially a good idea because (not sure if I mentioned this before but we're really really good friends) it would give her a chance to get over me. So I'm still in the frame of mind at this point that "well I kind of like her and I know she likes me but I'm not sure if this is what I want so I just want her to kind move elsewhere so I don't have to do/decide anything." I know this is a total cop out and a pretty bitch one at that but I was nervous, scared, a pussy, etc...

    So now she starts to see this other guy and I kind of forced/pushed her into dating him and seeing where it goes. Again to alleviate myself of anything. So she begins to date him and truth be told I almost couldn't be happier (I met him and he seems like a great guy). Now when she starts seeing him a little more I feel like I've lost something. Now I'm not sure if it's the scenario where, "boys want what they can't have" or "you don't know what you have until it's gone" or whatever. Anyways, now I'm starting to think, "oh my God what have I done and how did I let her get away" kind of thing. Also it didn't help when we were kind of talking about it and the issue of size came up and she said he was a little "larger" than me. I know it sounds stupid and I shouldn't care because there is way more to me than that, but still it's how I felt.

    Now I know I haven't really been talking about the bi side too much but here's where that comes in and it kind of parallels everything I just said. So I've been kind of looking around online at different "gay" dating sites and seeing the guys that were out there and flirting and so on. I did have one or two kind of random hook-ups with guys that resulted in what i would consider 3rd base. Now while I was hooking up with these guys it was good and I enjoyed it and found them attractive and all that. Then after I was done, leaving, whatever, I was kind of repulsed and pissed off at myself that I did that. Almost like swearing that I'd never do that again. To be honest I think that was me just not fully accepting who/what I was yet.

    So let's fast forward again (by the way the previous has been happening for about the previous six months with only like 2-3 hookups in there). So then about last week I went out to lunch with this girl (because we still are awesome friends). At this lunch we kind of starting talking about us and the guy that she is sort of seeing at the moment. We'll call him "C" for now. Anyways we're talking at lunch about her and C, and the topic of us starts to roll out and she kind of says, "I'd be with you over him anyways." Now the whole idea of her getting with him kind of bothers me also to an extent. (By the way she told me about his size kind of and how they fooled around minimally the night before this lunch) So we get to talking and kind of agree to see each other and she wouldn't see C anymore. I'm feeling pretty good with this initially and we don't really see each other much more that weekend (lunch was on Friday afternoon btw).

    So the weekend rolls around and now it's Sunday. I haven't really been able to sleep much because I'm kind of paranoid about me liking guys and not really knowing what to do. Almost the same situation I was in a few months ago. Then this guy that I was talking to from a couple months back kind of emails me and lets me know that he's back in town (he was gone for work for like a month). He also wants to know if I want to meet up with him for dinner/drinks whatever. I agree because my female friend and I still aren't officially "dating" and did agree that it would be casual dating at lunch on Friday. So I think that this is going to be the perfect opportunity to really discover me and see what is going on inside my messed up head.

    We meed for dinner and a couple beers and I have to be honest when I say this guy is unbelievably amazing! Easily the best first date I've been on. I find myself completely attracted to him physically and his personality is awesome. It's crazy that I could see myself really being with him after such a short amount of time (there were dates and more solidifying of this within me). Anyways on the date we had so much fun and really got to know each other. It was one of those meetings where we had passed a couple emails but nothing really personal or crazy. Like this guy was a total stranger before we met up. By the end of the night we're fooling around and stuff. Like I said this was truly one of the best nights ever! I won't go into much detail but we'll this guy J for convenience.

    Now the date is over and I'm driving home and my head is just a maelstrom of ideas and feelings and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. On one hand I just kind of agreed to start casually seeing this girl that I know likes me and I know I have something there for her, but on the other hand, this new guy is just so amazing and I can't stop thinking about him. So I decide that me sleeping on it is the best thing that I can do for the time being. So I go home and really try to sleep (did eventually but kind of light nervous sleep if you've ever had that).

    Now it's Monday and I've come to a couple of realizations. First, I like them both in the way that a bi guy likes both women and men. I realize that both are not an option by the way, nor would I want it to be (well deep down yes but not practically). So I come to a decision of pursuing this guy. Now I did so for a few reasons. First I'm really good friends with this girl and I don't want to hurt her and I'm just being selfish by almost keeping her to myself. Also I really don't think that we'd be able to casually date (I mean come on that's practically what we were doing before and i already don't like the fact that she was seeing another guy.) That being said I don't think that I'd be able to take the relationship to the next level at all because of me not knowing/being comfortable with who I am. Also I really want her to be happy and if I can't give her that relationship (at least not whole-heartedly) then she needs to get over me and move on rather than wasting her time and what could be a great opportunity.

    So Monday after work we meet up for a quick bite to eat (and by the way she has no idea that I'm into guys or about this other guy at all!). So we're eating and I kind of bring up the topic of us and my trepidations then slowly reveal to her that, "hey I like guys too". She is totally shocked and blown away and then pretty much says, "I don't care you're still the same person". Really cool of her but I'm still in turmoil inside. I go on to tell her that I don't know where I'm at right now in my life so how can I commit to anything with her. I also explained that casual dating between us is kind of at an end because realistically neither of us could deal with being involved but at the same time not being involved.

    I drive her home and we talk for a few hours about how I need to discover who I am and I really want her to move on and be happy. She still hasn't gotten rid of C by the way either. (Not that she was playing both of us, but she just didn't tell him anything because she felt the same way about needing time to think and digest all this). I still haven't told her about this guy and I really don't want to necessarily (or at least not yet because I don't want to hurt her). I know she is having a hard time with what I told her because she explained to me that she was having a difficult time dealing with it all week long. (We talked a little bit by the way all week)

    So last night we went out with some friends for someone's birthday. We came back home and were kind of tired so I offered for her to sleep over if she was too tired to drive home. She did and we ended up fooling around again. The whole time we were doing this I had J in my mind and could not help but feel unbelievably guilty inside. Even though we did not agree to be exclusive or date each other or anything. We talked about the idea but never explicitly said anything there. So now we hooked up and I'm thinking that I really like this J guy and me and this girl are kind of finished and I'm okay with that. I know it may seem crazy (well not so much if you stayed with this whole post), but I can't help but feel like, "well what if she sees C again and I get jealous and do exactly what I did before." Because I realize that what I did was pretty much out of jealousy (I know I'm a terrible person and I hate that fact and I even told her that I hate that and I apologized like a million times.)

    So my question all boils down to this: What now? I mean I know I like this guy and I would kind of like seeing where it goes, but I'm not out to anybody other than this girl (and whoever is reading this post, lol). So this would be a whole new experience and very difficult chapter in my life. On the other hand I can take what I have which is familiar but always think what if in the back of my head. Which leaves me with the fear that I will never be happy and I know there is the possibility that I could grow to resent our relationship and even her for me not experiencing what I thought could have been great for me. (I know it's not her fault but psychologically I feel like people do that).

    So this is where I'm finally at with this decision. I want this girl and I to continue to be awesome friends and I want to pursue this guy regardless of how it's going to turn out. I know it's going to be hard and I'm going to have a lot of trepidation and second guessing. Either choice I make I'm always going to look back and be like "what if?" Even with all that being said this guy is truly amazing and I could really see getting pretty serious pretty quick with him. So how do I break it to this girl that last night is not something I want to pursue and that I want to see this guy. Also I think it might be a good idea for her to start seeing other guys, like C for example, to help her along and maybe find exactly what she's looking for. Also we agree on this mentality of, "what will be will be". Meaning that if in a year from now after we've had our "adventures" we might still come back to each other knowing full well this is exactly what each of us want.

    So please if you read this, thanks again for that, please just type anything that you think is relevant or helpful this situation. I really appreciate any help or support that anyone can offer, because like I said I don't even know where to turn to because no one knows that I'm into guys but her.
     
  2. helgaleena

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    You do realize you are an asshole for thinking that because she's heavy you shouldn't be seen with her in public as more than just friends?

    And if you two are such awesome friends, how come she doesn't know you are bi?

    I think you are being greedy about keeping her exclusively for your own fb just because it's convenient. It's up to you whether you level with her about the guy you are interested in or not. It depends how close you want your friendship to get. But it is no fair for her to be so open about other people she's fucking if you won't do the same, whatever the gender.

    She deserves better than you so let her go seek it. It's also up to her whether she's willing to keep you on her dance card. Sounds to me like she would not cross you off completely just because you are bi. Play fair and level with her.
     
  3. thirtyseven

    thirtyseven New Member

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    Does he feel the same? Do you think there's even potential for it to work? You said he was gone for work for about a month... May happen again? Would you think it still works if he did this often?

    If you think you really would like to explore what you like a little more.... Nothing wrong with that. But.. that's up to you. You should let her go... in my opinion. You've got an itch and it's going to eat you inside if you do get serious with her... but like you said. you aren't sure where you're heading with her anyway.

    As for how to smooth it out and not upset her ... If you do decide to see that guy.. Keep what you do with him away from her.. Just think of it like.. you don't tell your ex who you're currently dating. She doesn't need to know who you're seeing.. you can still be friends. You'll need a new friend to vent on or channel out about your adventures with the guy. She doesn't seem comfortable about it.

    Sorry.. your post was VERY long and confusing at times.. I think you should just do what you like...
     
  4. Sirramm

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    I'll be totally honest I gave up reading the entire story...sorry no disrespect but NEVER EVER discount your own thoughts, feelings and desires. Look I'm straight but I'll admit seeing a huge hardon on another guy turns me on like mad, eating a well filled creampie is hot...does it make me gay, bit, queer, strange, etc. ? I don't know and I don't care and niether should you! Ok maybe I'm way off base here but damn it all to hell I'm so sick of people trying to "explain" or "figure out" who or what they are. Come on man live life! If you like dicks great! If you like pussy great! If you like both AWESOME! You know when you love yourself no body can ever discount you and no matter what you're awesome!

    I know I'm way off base but had to rant...forgive me!
     
  5. killerb

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    sorry for this unrelated post (there's no way I'm gonna read all of that) but Sirramm - Fred & Betty are cracking me up!
     
  6. Sirramm

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    LOL...you have no idea how many times I hear that??? LOL
     
  7. killerb

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    i can imagine :smile:
     
  8. HiddenLacey

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    I definitely think you should let the woman go. First of all you say she's great.... which means someone else will find her great in a heartbeat and worry less about only having sex with her because of her size. I'm not understanding how you can have sex with someone for years and then say you aren't sure about dating her because of her size... seriously?

    The woman said she would drop "C" for you, so she just might really want to be with you... regardless if you don't want something more with her it's not fair to keep her on the side for a few more years while you find yourself. Let her find herself, maybe she'll meet someone else that really cares about her the way she deserves and help close this chapter of your life for you.

    Of course I also think it's really crappy that she told you about his size since you two have been having sex, but that's my opinion.

    It's completely understandable to be confused about who you are and what you want. Unfortunately that's a never ending part of life for some of us. Pretty much everything you do in life will lead you towards one thing you want and away from something else you might want just as much.
     
  9. monel

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    It funny but with all of these "looking for advise" threads it is apparent that the OP already knows what he needs to do. In your case for example, you need to stop having sex with your girl friend. But you already knew that, Right? There are two reason why this is your only option: First, your relationship with her has changed since she has deeper feelings for you, which you do not share. As a result you're having "meaningless" sex which for her now has new meaning. Secondly, you are looking to explore a new relationship with J. It would be unfair to both J and your girl friend if you continue to have sex with her on the side. Moreover, you would be doing a disservice to you and your new relationship if you were not fully invested in it. Just my thoughts, but I don't think I'm telling you anything that you didn't already know.
     
    #9 monel, Apr 23, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2011
  10. D_Jay Sockafeller

    D_Jay Sockafeller New Member

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    Thanks for the advice everyone, and Monel you're right. I think deep down I really did know this. Also I just want to say that her size really doesn't affect how I feel about her. I was kind of being truthfully honest and I think that was something that was affecting me before.

    The way I really feel is heartbroken. Not because I can't be with due to something out of my control, but that I can't be with her because of me. I really want her to be happy and it's really difficult because I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm madly in love with her. Unfortunately for me, I can't control those emotions anymore than the next person. I think this bothers me the most (just the same way being into guys and not "normal") bothered me before. (I know people are gonna flame about the normal thing, but I think a lot of guys go through that sense of self-identity crisis and fitting in the norm)

    Deep down I really just want her to be as happy as she can be. I really care about her that much, but I know after everything we've been through that if I don't looks at her romantically at this point I probably never will. So I think letting her go is going to be the hardest/easiest thing I've ever done. Hardest because I know that if I was invested it would be awesome, but I'm just not there right now. Also the easiest because I care enough for her that her happiness means more than mine at this point.

    Thanks again for all the support and if anyone else has anything I would greatly appreciate all the feedback I could get.
     
  11. GayFrog

    GayFrog Member

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    Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.

    If you truly love someone you will say they are wonderful instead of hot. You'll call back if they hang up on you. You'll lie under the stars and listen to their heartbeat, and stay awake just to watch them sleep, you will show them off, and hold their hand in front of your friends and family. You will think they are beautiful, in sweats or suit and never feel ashamed of their appearance; or to be in their presence. You would never do anything behind their back that you wouldn't do while at their side. You will be true to yourself and always truthful with them. You will constantly remind them how much you care and how lucky you are to have them. You can honestly turn to your friends and proudly proclaim "I love______".

    I wish you well and hope you find yourself and what you are looking for "coeur qui soupir n’a pas qu’il d├ęsire".
    (roughly translated: the heart that sighs does not have what it desires)
     
    #11 GayFrog, Apr 23, 2011
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2011
  12. helgaleena

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    Someday you will really love someone so much it sweeps away all 'but's and lucky you, it could be either a girl or a guy! Who knows? :rolleyes:

    But for now if you truly love your friend, cool it with the sex. Tell her there's someone else. Be honest.
     
  13. D_Relentless Original

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    My view is to stay single for a while, enjoy it and sort yourself out with regard to who you want to be with. There is less of a chance of people getting hurt and you too. Maybe, you are feeling guilty adjusting to your preference or maybe you need to come to terms with it first.
    Its up to you mate, but like someone said earlier, don't go labeling things, experiment and enjoy before you make that commitment to either sex.
    If I am going out with a lady, I tell her about my past and my preference for both; that way she can choose to continue to see you and vice versa of course.

    Good luck mate, hope it works out for you.
     
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