need some advice...

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Epistasia, Jan 28, 2007.

  1. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    My boyfriend is an interesting person. He is the most generous and caring person I have ever met. There is nothing more important to him than making me happy and he shows me everyday. My problem is that he is almost asexual.

    It just doesn't occur to him! He will do whatever I ask but he won't initiate. Don't get me wrong, he is an incredible lover and he gives amazing oral but I get tired of asking.

    we communicate really well, so I've pretty much established that he is attracted to me (he asked me to marry him after all) but he is so wrapped up in his work and music. I get so frustrated and... horny! I would never cheat but I have worn out vibrators it got so bad.

    I guess I'm just trying to figure out a way to get him to take more active interest in my needs.

    Any help would be appreciated

    brit
     
  2. Whopper-lee

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    Well, Epistasia... I'm male but will offer this:
    It sounds as if you and your guy have a good relationship going and it's not all about sex.
    You know, some of us guys are just a bit slow in the department of initiating foreplay.
    Therefore, it's going to be pretty much up to you to program him (if I may
    say) until he gets the message..."Patience is a Virture".:wink:
    Hang in there!
    Be Safe, Be Careful, & Enjoy!
    Whopper-lee:smile: Hope you get some other pts. of view.
     
  3. Aplus

    Aplus New Member

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    Could be that he's afraid you'll reject him some times and say no. Maybe he worries that you'll agree out of obligation sometimes, and not always because you want to. So if he waits until you ask, he'll know you really want it. He might not know how to go about it and probably thinks he has to do or say something especially smooth or special. Might just be afraid of making a fool of himself. Not that he would, but that could be his perception. Have you asked him or tried to talk about it with him...and I mean in a real way not a joking one? People who get caught-up in their work, will sometimes forget about such things, or even take them for granted to. If so say it's a problem, then it is. Sounds like communication is needed.
     
  4. Skull Mason

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    I agree with this. You say you guys communicate really well, so communicate. Just tell him. I don't think its something thats going to hurt his ego or fuck up your relationship, imagine having to tell him his cock doesnt do it for you, or that you cheated on him or that he cant give you what you need. You just want him to want to fuck you more, so tell him. Sometimes honesty is the biggest turn on. I figure if you guys communicate well then this shouldn't be a big issue for you.
     
  5. ArtfulDominant

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    He is definately NOT asexual. Sounds like he's merely a little backwards coming forward, which you understandably may interpret as him not being interested in you quite enough -- thereby questioning your attractiveness. The above four posters have probably come up with the best guestimate of his thoughts/motives. His behaviour pattern in itself, is not a sure indicator
    of how much or how often he wants to have sex with you.

    IMHO the ideal situation is where either one of you can "take" the other at any time. And it's also nice when it just happens -- you both "drop your gloves" at the same time and just tussle, without any idea as to who started it. Talk to him. Sounds like there's a good chance to communicate better AND have great sex.
     
  6. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    This is something we have talked about a great deal. I'm really not the kind of person to sit on my hands when I'm unhappy about the situation I'm in but he only seems to respond to issue when I bring it up. I can definitely see from his perspective that he more than fulfills what I ask of him but from my perspective the fact that I have to ask defeats the purpose.

    This is where I feel my argument loses it's weight. I have these expectations, which I know I can't hold against him, but I still feel let down. I have these fantasies about him just taking me without asking but if I have ask him to do this (weather I'm justified or not) you might understand how I could be disapointed.

    As of late I have learned to be satisfied with what I can get, like sometimes he will walk out of our bathroom with his cock hanging out and it just drives me nuts. I just wish that he would acknowledge what he does to me.

    As I write this I feel pretty silly, I have to admit. I guess I just hadn't expressed how I feel to anyone but him. I might have been fishing for a specific answer when I began but I might have walked away with something better. When I talk to him all he wants is for me to be happy and I don't put enough stock in that. I was exaggerating when I said that he's asexual... far from it, I think that I was just taking what I have for granted.

    I would, however, like to learn to give him more incentive to make things exciting. When I talk to him about my fantasies he gets kind of embarrassed. I wish I could encourage him to visit this website.:smile:

    brit
     
  7. Pumblechook

    Pumblechook New Member

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    Some people aren't initiators when it comes to sex. It's just like another part of personality. You might just have to be the one who gets things going and has the ideas. If he's willing to do anything you think of, it would seem there is no sexual problem and that he just isn't the type who would initiate things himself.

    If the problem is not enough sexual energy, I am no expert there, so I'm not sure how you would solve that, but I'm sure someone does somewhere.
     
  8. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Set a ground rule... tell him for example:
    every two days that you want to be jumped... without being asked... *modify it to suit your needs*, but be reasonable with him at first, then up the amounts.
     
  9. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    It may be a case of he need his testosterone given a jump start, try watching porn with him or even consider brining in a 3-4 person even if it is only a one thime deal. Ask him what his fantasy is and play it out for him.

    Also try giving him obvious signs you want sex, romantic dinners, sex toys for 2, sexy underwear or being lounge around the house totally naked.

    If not you just may have to resign yourself to the fact that he will never be the initator and there could be no other reason than thats the way he is
     
  10. nick22ca

    nick22ca Member

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    It seems to me that you answered the question in your original post (the most obvious answer, which people seem to have skipped over). I can identify with your boyfriend...I end up turning down my girlfriend about twice a day, which is probably an underestimate of how horny she really is. We probably have sex twice a week on average. It's really hard to explain, except that it is not asexuality per se and it is nothing to do with you. Sex is great, it's just not great enough to partake in every day. And to reiterate, it's not about you, it's about your boyfriend's overall concept of sex and what sex means. It's very unlikely that you or anyone else will be able to change that. You have explained that you're communicative with him, and that you really love each other. I think that is what is important...It's dangerous to apply one's concept of sex to another person's concept, obviously another person may have very good reasons for not valuing sex as much as someone else.

    And also, be careful with regard to some of these suggestions. The one about testosterone and porn and sex toys, it's pure bullshit. Trying to change his value of sex will not work, and if anything will make him de-value it even more.
     
  11. ruffboy

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    look for a fun book called '101 Nights of Great Sex' by Laura Corn (yeah, really bad name, but she does good stuff). in it both the man and woman have instructions (sealed and hidden from each other's view) about some sort of fun/exciting/different sexual activity that each of you is 'required' to do for/to/with the other during that week. maybe he does just need to be jump started, maybe he's just stressed at the moment from who knows what all, maybe he's simply a guy who has his own level of sex drive, maybe who knows what all but glad to hear you say its just an issue of you wanting more of a good thing and that good thing is HIM and what he does to you. that's a great basis there, and wish you the best on our upcoming nuptuals ;-) (maybe he's stressed about the wedding, his band's future, who knows what, but stress kills all)
    i'm rambling... ;-)
     
  12. tripod

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    This gentleman might have low levels of DHT, a hormone that makes men little horny devils. There is nothing I know of that will boost DHT levels in a man, other than lifting weights and stimulating natural testosterone release. As far as I know of... the medical community has been paying attention to the inhibition of DHT because it has been linked to male pattern baldness, BPH and interestingly enough they have done studies where rapists have been shown to have abnormal levels of DHT (Dihydrotestosterone). DHT levels are not usually affected by anabolic steroids, but there is a DHT gel that is used by the medical research community, I have no idea if it is available. I just wanted to expand your search for a solution to your difficulties to a physical problem, because you might have one on your hands.
     
  13. ILguy23

    ILguy23 New Member

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    This sounds like my situation, with the gender roles reversed.

    I am horny and like sex pretty much every day or two at least. My wife can go weeks with nothing. I, like you, have to hold onto whatever I see when she goes to the shower, what I can feel when she touches me, or where our hands accidentally meet overnight.

    It's torturous at times, but ultimately, some people just don't need sex as often as others, and to them, having to do it even more is just not something they are interested in. It's like getting a film buff to stop going to the movies, or for that same person to drag their partner into all kinds of movies when they really only like movies from a particular couple of actors (therefore there's not many movies they'd go to).

    About the only thing you can do is talk about what your long-term needs will be and whether each of you will be able to fulfill them for the other. Obviously, you need some more "filling." :) You need to lay out ground rules for your relationship. Masturbation okay? How about if you just really need another person...is he able to step up, or set up a schedule or a certain number of expectations that works for you? If not, how about things outside the relationship? Are you able to go elsewhere when you need it? Obviously that's not the preferred way to solve the problem, but you do have your needs and if he can't meet them, you need to look at alternatives to see what your options are.

    I feel for you, but one thing you definitely have going for you is time. My wife didn't stop being so interested in sex until the past year or two, so for us it's been a change and she wasn't always like that. You have the benefit of knowing about this ahead of time and can deal with it a little better.
     
  14. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    This has really struck a chord with me. I hardly ever stop to think why sex is good... it just is. When I really stop to think about it, sex is only good when it just happens. He has said that he can't guarantee that it will be good for either of us if he feels like he's forced and I can definitely respect that. After all the most mind-blowing experiences when we just look at each other and know what time it is. If I was asked to do something when I wasnÂ’t readyI know that I couldn't put all my enthusiasm into it.

    I also have to say that since my original post he came home with a wonderful surprise for me. When he comes home from work he will normally go strait for the computer, which is fine because I'm usually on my computer as well (we IM each other little messages, it's cute). The other day when he came home, I didn't even look up, and he went strait to our bedroom. When he came out, I looked up and he was completely naked. I swear eve time I see his cock is like the first time. I just can't control myself. I would never say this out loud but he fucked the shit out of me! Over and over... until I couldn't do it anymore. I swear that did it for me for at least the next week. Later that night he rubbed the bulge in his pants when he caught me looking and asked, "Did you have enough of that?"

    I swear, sometimes I think I'm the luckiest woman on earth! Not to brag or anything.:biggrin1:

    brit
     
  15. Doc

    Doc New Member

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    Well... Sounds good so far. Maybe now all you have to do is let him know you want that as much as possible.
     
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