So a bit less than a year ago, I hooked up with my first guy, and I posted here. I started a long journey of figuring myself out, and it's paying off, at least in getting to know myself and taking control of my own life.
Now I'm 21, and that guy I hooked up with is the only person (except an ex-girlfriend, once) that I've hooked up with since. While he's a great guy and all, I can only see him occasionally and we can't really make that too official right now (also because I kind of want to see how other guys would treat me).
I'm kind-of-out. It's not on facebook, nor do I try to make it obvious through any means. But I do not hide it. If someone asks, I admit, or if it comes up naturally in conversation I have very little reserve saying it (unless I'm in a situation where I think it can be dangerous, having read too many stories of gay abuse, and frequenting dangerous neighborhoods).
The thing is...I'm scared to reach out for one of the dumbest and most arrogant reasons, but it is a serious reason. Besides that one guy (who did really go bonkers when we first hooked up, but I pulled away until he calmed down), every guy that's hit on me has made me feel uncomfortable in doing so. By being more open, I'm making myself the target of a lot of advances. I'm fucking hot, I guess. It's probably because I'm just myself and its so surprising that I'm "gay", but I'm gifted with looks. I even let my face get scruffy because I think I look a little less hot that way, and will generate less glances.
I want to go to a gay bar, and feel safe, you know? When I started coming out, my best friend ditched me for my ex (I lost two of the people I'm closest to) and a lot of people I used to be close to, distanced themselves as they talked nasty little shit about me in places I wasn't invited. That hasn't really hurt me, and it helped for sure sorting out my friends from the others, but the thing is I really want to just go to the city and fucking party like it's ok, you know? When I go out with straight friends it's like I'm playing "straight" that night. Chasing tail, wingmanning, etc. Acting like I don't want to respond to any gay advances.
I also don't feel safe going out with people near me that are openly gay and willing to go out with me -- because I feel like they're going to try to bag me, and be upset if they fail, or worse yet go home with other people, do you hear me? Has anyone felt like this? I used to be getting so much ass and I kiss a guy and everything changed. It's been a year I need to get back out there.
I'm near NYC, and aside from helping here, if there's anyone around my age, thats gay or bi, and feels like they can just be friends, and go out, or talk to me on aim or something, help me feel comfortable with this, I'd really appreciate it. There's so much shit to go through just because I let myself kiss him. Like now I want my mom to know. It's like I made it up this past year almost, ugh! I'm sure that's not the case though, I was always most likely to be gay as a child, I just beat around the bush until last year =\
I really apologize for my apparent arrogance. I really couldn't express exactly how I felt without saying things like that -- and I don't say things like that aloud and it's not easy to notice my arrogance normally, I listen very well and I'm always open to new ideas. I'm just scared of someone trying to fuck me disguised as a good ol fashioned fun filled outing.
It might also have something to do with the loads of bullshit I previously spit at women to get myself laid, that now I feel I can become a target of the same bullshit.
Thank you very much for reading this far, and I really appreciate any help. =]
Now I'm 21, and that guy I hooked up with is the only person (except an ex-girlfriend, once) that I've hooked up with since. While he's a great guy and all, I can only see him occasionally and we can't really make that too official right now (also because I kind of want to see how other guys would treat me).
I'm kind-of-out. It's not on facebook, nor do I try to make it obvious through any means. But I do not hide it. If someone asks, I admit, or if it comes up naturally in conversation I have very little reserve saying it (unless I'm in a situation where I think it can be dangerous, having read too many stories of gay abuse, and frequenting dangerous neighborhoods).
The thing is...I'm scared to reach out for one of the dumbest and most arrogant reasons, but it is a serious reason. Besides that one guy (who did really go bonkers when we first hooked up, but I pulled away until he calmed down), every guy that's hit on me has made me feel uncomfortable in doing so. By being more open, I'm making myself the target of a lot of advances. I'm fucking hot, I guess. It's probably because I'm just myself and its so surprising that I'm "gay", but I'm gifted with looks. I even let my face get scruffy because I think I look a little less hot that way, and will generate less glances.
I want to go to a gay bar, and feel safe, you know? When I started coming out, my best friend ditched me for my ex (I lost two of the people I'm closest to) and a lot of people I used to be close to, distanced themselves as they talked nasty little shit about me in places I wasn't invited. That hasn't really hurt me, and it helped for sure sorting out my friends from the others, but the thing is I really want to just go to the city and fucking party like it's ok, you know? When I go out with straight friends it's like I'm playing "straight" that night. Chasing tail, wingmanning, etc. Acting like I don't want to respond to any gay advances.
I also don't feel safe going out with people near me that are openly gay and willing to go out with me -- because I feel like they're going to try to bag me, and be upset if they fail, or worse yet go home with other people, do you hear me? Has anyone felt like this? I used to be getting so much ass and I kiss a guy and everything changed. It's been a year I need to get back out there.
I'm near NYC, and aside from helping here, if there's anyone around my age, thats gay or bi, and feels like they can just be friends, and go out, or talk to me on aim or something, help me feel comfortable with this, I'd really appreciate it. There's so much shit to go through just because I let myself kiss him. Like now I want my mom to know. It's like I made it up this past year almost, ugh! I'm sure that's not the case though, I was always most likely to be gay as a child, I just beat around the bush until last year =\
I really apologize for my apparent arrogance. I really couldn't express exactly how I felt without saying things like that -- and I don't say things like that aloud and it's not easy to notice my arrogance normally, I listen very well and I'm always open to new ideas. I'm just scared of someone trying to fuck me disguised as a good ol fashioned fun filled outing.
It might also have something to do with the loads of bullshit I previously spit at women to get myself laid, that now I feel I can become a target of the same bullshit.
Thank you very much for reading this far, and I really appreciate any help. =]
