Need to ask a friend if he's a homosexual. Could use some advice.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by GrowingBig, May 13, 2006.

  1. GrowingBig

    GrowingBig New Member

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    I'm a straight male, and have a close friend who myself and many others suspect of being gay. He's a really good looking guy, and has NEVER had problems attracting females, but has only had sex once when he was younger and takes no interest in having any form of sex with willing girls. He's 25 and always makes it an issues to tell his buddies when we go out that he needs to "find his girl tonight"... but when push comes to shove, and a GORGEOUS female gives him any attention, I mean, ANY attention he shys away at the opportunity to even get to know her, and picks her apart as if she's not up to par. The only two things I could possible imaging being an issue with my friend is either, he has a problem with his tool and is extremely self concious, OR, he doesn't know how to accept the fact that women may not be of interest to him. I don't know how to ask him and feel as if I want to ask him so he can finally be happy if he is homosexual. I and many others will be extremely supportive, but seriously DON'T know how to approach the situation so I don't offend him. From the gay and straight here, any advice would be appreciated... should I even ask, or is it none of my business to make assumptions. How did many of you "come out"?

    Thanks for your responses.
     
  2. nitsud

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    get the two of you together one night, drunk, and ask him if he ever thought of being with guys. tell him just between the two of us. and tell him that if any of your friends were to be gay that it would be kewl and that you would support them. go to gay bars and all that. that there your friend no matter what and that if that person wants it to be a secret that you would be able to keep. tell him somethings that you would never would tell anybody like, you had sex or even kissed a guy before. the more open you are the more open he will be.


    good luck!!!
     
  3. Mattness

    Mattness New Member

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    As a gay man who had to "come out" to his friends and family over 20 years ago, I can speak on this topic fairly well.

    The first person I told I was gay was my Cousin Kathy. I knew she was "safe" because of her laid-back attitude and the way she talks about other people who are different.

    So, the moral of the story is -- if you want your friend to be honest with you, give him a "safe" place to be himself. No judgements, no right and wrong, more a "c'mon mate, you'll be happier if you can be yourself" type approach.

    If he's struggling with his sexuality, he definately needs friends now.
     
  4. Lex

    Lex
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    I am not sure I understand your need to ask him or find out if he is, in fact, gay. We as a society have to empower individuals to realize, accept and announce their orientation/perference and a time and in a manner of their own choosing. I would not say a word. Your asking him may mortify him instead of making him feel more comfortable.

    Mattness has some key points--if you present as someone who he can let know of his sexuality--he will do so. You can't directly force it.
     
  5. D_alex8

    D_alex8 Member

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    That's my problem with the whole concept behind this thread as well, Lex. I agree with the advice about having a cosy, candid one-to-one conversation ... but surely for GrowingBig to express his general concern for his friend and to ask him whether he can help ... and NOT to set about pinpointing the 'issue' as being related to sexuality. Let the friend define and decide quite how he wants to respond, instead of putting him on the spot, which could make him rather defensive and might well in fact be counterproductive, imho; especially if the friend is indeed struggling with his sexuality.
     
  6. CUBE

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    Nothing wrong with just letting him know that your cool with other lifestyles...in general conversation...not in regard to him. A friend that is clearly open to the vulnerability in others is a good friend indeed. Regardless of what he is in to...he may not be ready for someone...some guys gay or straight are late bloomers. Nice to hear you want the best for him
     
  7. tallguypns

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    I don't believe it's your place to force this issue, even as a friend. If he's gay and not comfortable with that part of himself yet, he will just deny being gay. There are other reasons for not having sex. Speaking from personal experience, it may just be a severe confidence/esteem issue, or he may be totally oblivious to the signals these women are sending him. I know I sure am.
     
  8. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You know Big, I don't really understand your need to "out" him. From what I understand, people who are gay or bi may need time to understand what is going on with themselves first. I don't think you should worry. Just keep being his friend, and let him discover who he is by himself. When he is ready, he will find a woman, or come out to you.

    Not everyone is overly sexual, and it might be possible that his comments about needed to get some, are just a result of a drunken stuppor.:rolleyes:
     
  9. B_1GR8Fokker

    B_1GR8Fokker New Member

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    If youve got a great friendship, why force the issue? Keep the friendship, it's more important than your need to know. When he is ready, he will tell you. Be happy with what you've got.:smile:
     
  10. fratpack

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    There is no real reason for you to ask, the only thing for you to do is be a real friend. So when he is ready to say something, just be there for him to listen, not judge, just listen and let him speak this is about him and not about you and your friends. I cannot stress this enough this is about him, so just listen.
     
  11. Dr Rock

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    who lives in the east &#039;neath the willow tree? Sex
    what difference does it make whether he's gay or whatever? :confused:
     
  12. Greekdick69

    Greekdick69 New Member

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    I agree. DO NOT ASK. First pay attention if you or any of your friends make fun of gay or homo oriented things (and if so stop it). And little by litte start stating the fact that each and all of us are entitled to be a different person and live any lifestyle we decide to have. Above all make clear that you guys are mature to understand any person and deal/support any issue.

    This should give him the breathing room to have more fun with you guys and if HE decides so, come out or express any problem he is having.

    Hope it works out.
     
  13. ChuckRich

    ChuckRich New Member

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    Exactly. I've been asked before and denied it back when I wasn't comfortable with it myself yet and later just because I wasn't interested in that person knowing. It's up to him to let people in on that and asking him before he's ready will only put a strain on the friendship. Like everybody's said just continue being a good friend.

    The only thing I can think of is if you know an openly gay guy or already have a gay friend and get him to hang out with the group along with this guy. Seeing you all accept an openly gay man would make him feel a lot more at ease if he is gay. And he wouldn't have to feel like the odd man out (so to speak).

    Of course there's always the possiblity that it's something else entirely that's the problem.
     
  14. B_RoysToy

    B_RoysToy New Member

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    Surely you jest, Dr Rock. Often it's the most important thing in the world to the individual.
     
  15. bigfloppyd

    bigfloppyd New Member

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    The worst thing to do would be to pull him kicking and screaming out of the closet. He may be questioning/exploring his own sexuality. He may think that he can't come out to you 'cause it'd wreck your friendship. He may think that its none of your damned business whether he masturbates to "Huge Bazoombas magazine" or "Cock-a-doodle DAMN! monthly."

    The best-buddy, having a beer thing, and asking him if he's gay (or why the hell he didn't pick up that blonde chick with the double-Ds at the club last night) might work. But, by you asking, he might think you're interested and come on to you - and then he'd be crushed if you turn him down flat. More likely, he'll just deny being gay absolutely and then run.

    If you need to know, just watch him and who he's watching. Is he checking out guys or girls? If he's deeply closeted, he'll be fairly subtle. But, if he is gay, every now and then when mr hottness walks by, his head will snap around like a horned owl on the mouse-prowl; and he'll have some dumb excuse like "I thought I knew him from highschool."

    But, if you'd like him to feel comfortable telling you, follow Greendick69's advice. If he's feeling insecure, even a harmless "faggot" remark from one friend to another in his presence will drive him back in the closet. Believe me, I've been there. *sigh* I was such a pussy :loser:
     
  16. B_IanTheTall

    B_IanTheTall New Member

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    If he is a good friend, it shouldn't matter. Does he seem depressed? If not, then he must be fine with his current situation. He may be trying to figure things out himself. You could bring a known gay/bi guy into your circle of friends, as a sign that all of you are OK withit. Since He's not hitting on you, it won't directly affect you anyway.

    BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW!!! Does he have a "gal pal" that he always hangs out with? You might here them giggling together,in the corner, when they both get drunk. Ask her, she'll know...
     
  17. dcwrestlefan

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    if he is saying he has to "find his girl tonight", he obviously is not ready to come out. so don't ask. but, you can let him know through casual conversation that you don't have a problem with gay people.

    the fear of rejection can be very real in some people. being positive without cornering him would help alot, if he is indeed gay and closeted.
     
  18. Matthew

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    Sounds like you don't know exactly what's going on with him. If you really want to know out of genuine concern & not just curiosity, talk to him and let him know you've noticed him passing up chances to hook up, and you want to make sure everything's cool. Ask him if there's anything wrong he wants to get off his chest. If you have a relationship where he feels he can really trust you, maybe there will be something ne needs to talk about.
     
  19. exwhyzee

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    I agree with what everyone else is saying, there are so many reasons he acts this way, you shouldnt narrow it down to a gay issue. Let him come to terms in his own time.

    However, you can lay some groundwork by showing him that you are open minded and safe. If he knows you are accepting of gay guys, he will be likely to confide if and/or when he wants to verbalize any feelings he may/may not have.
     
  20. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Or maybe you shouldnt ask and let him decide when/if he chooses to come out..

    And there are actually guys who dont like to pick up random girls at clubs ect and it dosent mean they are gay
     
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