Need to ask a friend if he's a homosexual. Could use some advice.

jeff black

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Lee_M said:
Or maybe you shouldnt ask and let him decide when/if he chooses to come out..

And there are actually guys who dont like to pick up random girls at clubs ect and it dosent mean they are gay

Yup, it means they have CLASS:rolleyes:

And possibly standards too.
 

Vintagewine

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The fear of rejection & ridicule is strong in most of us, especially from valued friends. These fears are reinforced intentionally by homphobic remarks, behaviour, boasting etc., & unintentionally by thoughtless remarks, jokes & the likes. As gay people we live with this all our lives & it is often not obvious to even the most sympathetic of straight or bi-guys.
I came out nearly forty years ago to a group of straight life counsellors & was in a cold sweat, even though I had the support of a couple of gay friends at the lecture. In my community I am well known & accepted, I don't conceal my sexuality but don't flaunt it either & yet, I still have twinges of worry if asked in straight company " why have you never married ?", when I don't know what the reaction will be.
So you see it is important to understand how hard it could be for your friend, if he is gay, to take that giant step & actually say it. It is imperritive not to put pressure on but rather ease his fears with subtle, & I emphasise subtle, signs of acceptance of gay people. Commenting favourably on a film such as Broke Back Moutain, inviting a gay aquaintance to your group occasionally, & condemning homophobic behavior, are just a few of the ways you can ease his fears . But do let him proceed at his own pace, even if you confirm your suspicions, let him keep up his charade, his security blanket.
Beware of revealing a personal gay experience or, of concocting a story, because this could, as has been suggested by another writer, be misinterpreted as a come on.
I commend your concern for your friend & hope that what ever you do works out.

Regards to all,
Richard.
 

JeffGrncrs

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Here is how you ask..............."Are you gay or what is your sexual orientation?" It is that simple. It is just an honest question and all honest questions deserve an honest answer (if he is not in the closet)
 

jeff black

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Lee_M said:
Absolutley, i think there's a generalisation that all men are 'on the hunt' and when there is one in the pack thats isnt the rest cant understand why, it just proves there ar decsent guys out there.

And to take it one step further... I think there are more nice guys out there than people think. As a self proclaimed decent guy, I find that the crowd I run with can be a bit slutty at times. Due to association, people assume I am also a bit slutty.

I believe that in a crowd of ten guys, maybe two or three of them are horn dogs.... that leaves 7-8 who are just following the pack, trying to look cool. Either way, maybe this guy who is considered gay, is just tired of being a horndog.:rolleyes:
 

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JeffGrncrs said:
Here is how you ask..............."Are you gay or what is your sexual orientation?" It is that simple. It is just an honest question and all honest questions deserve an honest answer (if he is not in the closet)

Fuck me, you live in a simplified little version of the world, don't you? :rolleyes:
 

GrowingBig

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Gentlemen,

Thank you for ALL the responses... I have been rather busy and unable to answer these replys... I do understand that it is not my perogative to ask the question. I simply see my GOOD friend as somewhat unhappy, and don't want him to feel as if he needs to front a lie IF he is living a lie. I just want him to be happy, and from what I see, he is not. I am still reading through these responses, and will reply more in a few minutes.

again, thank you.
 

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jeff black said:
And to take it one step further... I think there are more nice guys out there than people think. As a self proclaimed decent guy, I find that the crowd I run with can be a bit slutty at times. Due to association, people assume I am also a bit slutty.

I believe that in a crowd of ten guys, maybe two or three of them are horn dogs.... that leaves 7-8 who are just following the pack, trying to look cool. Either way, maybe this guy who is considered gay, is just tired of being a horndog.:rolleyes:

Well i know personally i will always go straight to the quiet shy guy at the back because most of the time he is the most respectful, and hasnt had a hand full of venereal disease's.

Also i know that the generalisation is that all gay men are quite slutty and sleep around to some extent so i assume that would make it even more uncommon to be precieved as 'descent' in that crowd
 

jeff black

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Lee_M said:
Well i know personally i will always go straight to the quiet shy guy at the back because most of the time he is the most respectful, and hasnt had a hand full of venereal disease's.

Also i know that the generalisation is that all gay men are quite slutty and sleep around to some extent so i assume that would make it even more uncommon to be precieved as 'descent' in that crowd

Try having a crowd with two or three gay guys and two or three straight guys. See how easy it is then:biggrin1:
 

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GrowingBig said:
Gentlemen,

Thank you for ALL the responses... I have been rather busy and unable to answer these replys... I do understand that it is not my perogative to ask the question. I simply see my GOOD friend as somewhat unhappy, and don't want him to feel as if he needs to front a lie IF he is living a lie. I just want him to be happy, and from what I see, he is not. I am still reading through these responses, and will reply more in a few minutes.

again, thank you.

f thats the case and you are more worried about him being happy and feeling as he might not be accepted, then yes do ask him but make sure your alone and in an enviroment where he is 'safe' to tell you.Maybe just ask him if why he dosent seem intresed in girls whenyou go out instead of if he is gay because there is a possibility that he has different reasons for his lack of intrest.
 

jeff black

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Lee_M said:
Help me out here, does it make it harder?

Sorry Lee, I meant that to be more obvious.

Having Gay guys in the group , hitting on anything that has a penis in the bar, allows for the one generalization you mentioned, and having straight guys, who are hitting on anything in the bar with a vagina, allows for the other generalization.

The combination of the groups, causes others who join to look like sluts even more, as the group appears to be a pack of horny guys...

I don't know where I was going with this. :biggrin1:
 

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GrowingBig said:
Gentlemen,

Thank you for ALL the responses... I have been rather busy and unable to answer these replys... I do understand that it is not my perogative to ask the question. I simply see my GOOD friend as somewhat unhappy, and don't want him to feel as if he needs to front a lie IF he is living a lie. I just want him to be happy, and from what I see, he is not. I am still reading through these responses, and will reply more in a few minutes.

again, thank you.
Growing Big you are on the right track and seem to be open to understanding your friend's situation BUT that "front a lie" comment is already judging your friend. By saying this you are setting a negative and judgemental tone which will put him on the deffensive and may push him away from you.
Good luck to you and your friend.
 

D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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jeff black said:
Sorry Lee, I meant that to be more obvious.

Having Gay guys in the group , hitting on anything that has a penis in the bar, allows for the one generalization you mentioned, and having straight guys, who are hitting on anything in the bar with a vagina, allows for the other generalization.

The combination of the groups, causes others who join to look like sluts even more, as the group appears to be a pack of horny guys...

I don't know where I was going with this. :biggrin1:

I guess so, i mean most straight people would see gay bars as dirty places with men having sex in eary corner and toilet they could find, and i dont know ive only been to 1 and it was a nice clean place and everyone was having fun and it was quite obvious that alot of men werent there to pick up but just to enjoy themselves.

Sorry, now im rambling:rolleyes:
 

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To me it would be an inappropriate discussion.
When and if he raised the issue or asked some leading questions then you could be supportive and understanding or whatever you want to be but until then what he is or isnt doesnt seem like your concern.
I would take it as a real invasion of my privacy
 

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Lee_M said:
f thats the case and you are more worried about him being happy and feeling as he might not be accepted, then yes do ask him but make sure your alone and in an enviroment where he is 'safe' to tell you.Maybe just ask him if why he dosent seem intresed in girls whenyou go out instead of if he is gay because there is a possibility that he has different reasons for his lack of intrest.

I was thinking along the same line... have to approach the topic carfully
 

jeff black

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GrowingBig said:
I was thinking along the same line... have to approach the topic carfully

I still dont' think it is your business dude.

If you are really worried about him, ask him what is wrong. There is nothing wrong with saying:

"(insert name here), Are you doing ok? I mean, I have noticed that you are acting weird at the bars lately. Anything I can do to help you out? " IT shows support and concern. If there is something wrong, and you guys are as close as you say you are, he will tell you if something is wrong.

HONESTLY, It just sounds like you are more interested in outing him for your own personal interest, than to support him.
 

Bryan_Lyte2

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Someone may have said it before but maybe the guy is just really picky, or just freaked out by sex after something happened. I know after my second time it scarred me for life seeing blood on the sheets *shudders*. Leave dude alone, if something is up you'll only know after he tells you, and none the sooner.:cool:
 

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fratpack said:
Growing Big you are on the right track and seem to be open to understanding your friend's situation BUT that "front a lie" comment is already judging your friend. By saying this you are setting a negative and judgemental tone which will put him on the deffensive and may push him away from you.
Good luck to you and your friend.
Thanks fratpack, your feedback is appreciated... and you're right, I should try and avoid all biases
 

GrowingBig

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kurios said:
To me it would be an inappropriate discussion.
When and if he raised the issue or asked some leading questions then you could be supportive and understanding or whatever you want to be but until then what he is or isnt doesnt seem like your concern.
I would take it as a real invasion of my privacy
on the contrary, what if he were looking for an outlet... I am a good enough friend to approach him on the topic.. I mean, he always cracks "gay jokes" when I'm around... I think he sometimes subconciously tries to approach the topic himself... meh, it's just akward.