nervous about dorm room mate

[D_Lee_Iacuckold]

so moving into a dorm, more than likely with a room mate. same sex, as most dorms are. The question is, how open should i be with my sexuality? i would love to be totally be open, like " this is who i am. can you deal with it and be comfortable with me?" we will be pretty much living together for the next few months. i want trust and a friend. if not that, atleast respect. im an intense student, and school is the focus, and i dont want to spend any energy in having stress about a room mate. living with someone whose going through school the same way you are, you want to be able to talk to the other person, hang out, and not worry about judgments. but then, not everyone in the world is gonna be accepting or open-minded. all i want to do is just get it out of the way, i dont want to be forced to hold back, but then again, i also want to respect my room mate.

last time i dormed, it was sort of a house. 2 or 3 people in a room. i met my room mate, complete asshole. the first thing that came out of his mouth was how we had a gay house mate, that he dont like gay people, and how doesnt deal with that and asked me if i knew anyone gay. and me completely shocked, and hoping not to cause any friction, just smiled and told him i knew quite a lot of gay people. i really thought that i left that kind of BS in high school. complete stress. hated him to the core. so after 2 days i moved back home(school wasnt too far away from home).

totally excited though. meeting new people. just a little anxious on how accepting these new people are.

 

[Spermy]

Just be yourself. If your roomie has issues with you then it's his problem because you are who you are. Be up front with him and tell him you're gay and you hope he doesn't have a peoblem with it but if he does then he needs to check into moving because you're not.

 

[ericbythebay]

so moving into a dorm, more than likely with a room mate. same sex, as most dorms are. The question is, how open should i be with my sexuality?

Unless you are living in the dorm for free, why would you want to be paying for a homophobic environment?

I'd be direct and up front about it. Explain that you have had bad experiences with homophobic roommates in the past. If it's a problem get a new roommate or switch rooms.

 

[davidjh7]

IT can be complex in a dorm situation. THe first thing I would check is the schools policies, and the housing policies, concerning gays. If they have no policies, or there is a fairly obvious anti-gay feeling to the campus, but you REALLY want to go to this school, you will likely have to keep your sexuality under wraps. If there are anti-discrimination policies at your school, then you can be reasonably open, just repsect others as well, and don;t shove their faces in it, as you don;t want your face shoved in others sexuality (unless he's cute, of course:tongue. THat way, if there is a problem with your roomate, you can make a valid request to change romates, or get a single, or whatever works, without repercussions. You don;t have to even tell your roomate if you don;t want to--you can feel out his feelings and attitudes towards gay people, and act accordingly. You can just claim an incompatibility with your roomate, and that you need reassignment. How open you are with your sexuality is TOTALY up to you--but like anything in life, it can have good and bad consequences.

 

[Wrat]

I had a friend ni the dorms that was gay. He did not say so openly, but it was not difficult to figure out. He was a very social person and we had many conversations about things other than sexuality. I did'nt talk about my sexual experience either. At the end of the semester the fact that he was dismissed form West Point for being gay came out. We (the dorm community) all agreed that he was a brilliant man and that he would have been a wonderful soldier, and that it was too bad.

He's dead now. Poor guy.

 

[rubberwilli]

I'd be careful about coming out to the dorm-mate right from the get go. In my 8 (yes 8 years) of college, I was in the dorms for the first 4 and I always found it was much easier to come out to my roomie when they knew me a bit before hand. My first roommate I can out to sometime about halfway through first semester. But not in the way I planned.

I was very involved in the GLBT group on campus, I was actually the publicity director for the group, and I was doing a really good job of it, people were all talking about the group. The president of the group had called my room and left a message on our answering machine, very generic "Hey William it's Joe, give me a call so we can talk about Thursday."

My roommate heard the message and said "That guy sounds a little swishy. Is he some faggot?" To which I turned to my roommate and said, " Do I sound swishy to you because I'm a gay man, and that guy happens to be the president of OUT:The Indiana University Gay Lesbian Student Union. I don't have time to talk about this right now because I'm late for class, but you need to think about what your saying and who you're saying it to before you open your mouth."

He of course went and told one of the other guys on the floor and luckily they guy he told said "Yeah, so what, big deal. William's a nice guy and he hasn't thrown it in your face, you threw it in his face. Sounds like it's your problem." Later that night my roommate and I talked about it and he eventually became totally fine with it, and apologized for his remarks, which was big of him. He just had never had known a gay person. It was always "them" not someone he knew.

From that point on I decided to do something about it for others in my dorm though.

We had a gay & lesbian speakers bureau on campus and they did these panel discussions for different groups and classes on campus. I arranged with my RA to have one of those sessions for my entire dorm. (Each floor was responsible for one program for the entire dorm community throughout the year) My RA passed out flyers in the cafeteria line on one night advertising the GLBT Panel Discussion and it completely changed his perspective on things. (Our catch line was a member of the Willkie Dorms would be speaking) People were calling the RA a faggot just for handing out the flyers, laughing at him, making jokes etc. The cafeteria workers were angry at him because all of these flyers were getting dropped just inside the door to the cafeteria and causing an slipping hazard...etc....

I was a speaker on the panel, along with a professor, a grad student and a straight frat guy who did these panels. The panel was moderated by a health educator from Student Health Services. My RA got all of the guys on my floor to attend and there were about 50 people in total there. It was a great thing and there were several guys who came up to me afterwards and said it helped them a great deal in coming out to their roommates.

Everyone on my floor said I didn't just come out, I blew the doors of my closet that night.

Conversely, I also sat on the Campus GLBT Harassment Review Board and I heard horror stories of guys who were baracaded in their rooms and tortured by their floor mates once word got out about them. IU had a strict zero tolerance policy but by the time a grievance would be filed, the psychological damage was done to the student who has the object of the harassment.

In closing, I'd say be yourself, but don't shove in in their face. Remember it's a shared living space and treat the person like you'd want to be treated by them. There will come a time when it seems appropriate to address the issue. You'll know when. Just give it some time.

 

[playainda336]

People are assholes. I don't think you need to answer to anyone though.

If the subject comes up, I wouldn't hide it though.

 

[yhtang]

Rubberwilli, thank you for a very interesting anecdote, and I feel you advice to the OP is sound.

 

[Irish]

Just be yourself. If your roomie has issues with you then it's his problem because you are who you are. Be up front with him and tell him you're gay and you hope he doesn't have a peoblem with it but if he does then he needs to check into moving because you're not.

I very much agree with this post. No reason to back down from who you are.

 

[darkone]

I agreed with Spermy too.

 

[dudepiston]

Yeah this is a tough one. I like what Willi said...but I also remember back to my dorm days. I had one or two roomates that I didn't get along with for various reasons - sometimes they wanted to move out, sometimes I did but I remember being told by the RA's that there was a time limit on switching rooms. I actually had another room I could have moved into (a friend I'd met from a class we'd taken) because he was roomate-less and he was worried he'd end up having to pay double rate for his single room. The university, in their infinite wisdom, had a policy against such simple changes after a certain time period (I think it was two weeks.) I'd rather have the OP's sexuality known to the roomate, and then a determination made about whether they should live together. To me, this is what a good RA is for. I think Bars should consider talking to the RA on his floor...or any RA really. For his safety's sake, I'd rather he not tell his roomate alone, and I think it's good to have a mediator there. On the other hand, if Bars reasonably thinks this topic really doesn't have to come up, then maybe less said the better. But I would hate to have it be 'discovered' by the roomate, either through snooping through his things or discovering his porn stash on his HD or something. I'm glad Rubberwilli's dorm-mates were somewhat enlightened but Indiana University tends to be a bit more on the liberal side in many ways. This was not my experience at the 3 different universities I've attended.

 

[D_Lee_Iacuckold]

i totally get wut everyones saying. but now reading about some people's experiences, being open can be worse than not being open. the limitations gay people have to go through just to live comfortably within themselves. :sigh: :sigh:

 

[rubberwilli]

i totally get wut everyones saying. but now reading about some people's experiences, being open can be worse than not being open. the limitations gay people have to go through just to live comfortably within themselves. :sigh: :sigh:

There are issues in the closet and out of the closet. It's up to you to decide which issues you are willing and capable of dealing with. My life after coming out was much much better than before. It's just a different situation. I knew I needed to avoid drunk frat boys all the more once I came out but in general that's a good idea regardless.

I think Dudepistion is correct when he says you need to make your RA aware that you're contemplating coming out to your roomate so that he/she can be a resource. The RA is there to protect all of the students on his floor and ensure that the rules and regulations of the university and the housing contract are upheld. You'll definately have that on your side.

I'm not sure I'd have the RA there when I told my roomate, but my situation was unique and I was pretty out in every situation but my dorm room.

That's another thing you can think about as well. You can be in the closet in your dorm room and still be a member of the GLBT group on campous and hang at the gay bars. It just complicates things a little, but tons of guys do thatin college.

College is one of the many times you get to re-invent yourself. I'm sure you'll figure it out!

 

[jeff black]

Yah, I agree with some people here.

Don't just up and blurt it out at the meet and greet. As far as the world goes, not everyone is as comfortable with sexuality as others. I suggest you get to know him/them as people, and get them the chance to know you before you blurt out your sexuality. Chances are good they will know before you tell them anyways.

Plus, you said that school was a pretty big priority for you. Why not just let things slide for now, and if your sexuality comes up, address it then.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Personally, I would wait it out a few weeks and see what kind of person your dorm mate is. Who knows, maybe he's gay?

 

[ganja4me]

If it was me I would just get it out of the way. I would tell him about it say this si the way I am if you can't stand living in a dorm with me then try getting a different room. I'm sure if he isn't an asshole he will understand and say it won't be a problem. If he is an asshole then you don't want him living with you anyway. Most likely it won't be an issue because being gay is a lot more common nowadays it seems. I don't think you want to have to act different around someone you live with, that would be a real burden.

 

[jeff black]

If it was me I would just get it out of the way. I would tell him about it say this si the way I am if you can't stand living in a dorm with me then try getting a different room. I'm sure if he isn't an asshole he will understand and say it won't be a problem. If he is an asshole then you don't want him living with you anyway. Most likely it won't be an issue because being gay is a lot more common nowadays it seems. I don't think you want to have to act different around someone you live with, that would be a real burden.

Sorry, my only problem with that is...

If the guy just storms in there and goes " Hi, I'm John and I am gay. If you have a fuckin' problem with that, tough shit." ( NOTE, I know he won't say it like this) My point is, going into the situation, with guns blazing, declairing all kinds of things is rash. Best to let the roommates get to know you. Honestly.

 

[ganja4me]

Well maybe he should go about it a different way but I'm just trying to say he should let the guy know early on and make sure the guy accepts it. If not then that's not going to be a good roomate. Plus if they are getting to know each other he will have to tell the guy eventually. I mean your sexual orientation is a big part of your life.

 

[Drago]

so moving into a dorm, more than likely with a room mate. same sex, as most dorms are. The question is, how open should i be with my sexuality? i would love to be totally be open, like " this is who i am. can you deal with it and be comfortable with me?" we will be pretty much living together for the next few months. i want trust and a friend. if not that, atleast respect. im an intense student, and school is the focus, and i dont want to spend any energy in having stress about a room mate. living with someone whose going through school the same way you are, you want to be able to talk to the other person, hang out, and not worry about judgments. but then, not everyone in the world is gonna be accepting or open-minded. all i want to do is just get it out of the way, i dont want to be forced to hold back, but then again, i also want to respect my room mate.

last time i dormed, it was sort of a house. 2 or 3 people in a room. i met my room mate, complete asshole. the first thing that came out of his mouth was how we had a gay house mate, that he dont like gay people, and how doesnt deal with that and asked me if i knew anyone gay. and me completely shocked, and hoping not to cause any friction, just smiled and told him i knew quite a lot of gay people. i really thought that i left that kind of BS in high school. complete stress. hated him to the core. so after 2 days i moved back home(school wasnt too far away from home).

totally excited though. meeting new people. just a little anxious on how accepting these new people are.

I'd be up front about it but also reassure them that you won't spy on them or hit on them. That way they'll be relaxed and they'll go "Well, different strokes for different folks..."

 

[D_Lee_Iacuckold]

im just totally nervous. id rather have a friend than an enemy. i mean, from the get go, youre forced to trust this other person because you are living together. he has access to everything you have. he sees you more than anyone else. they become a part of your life, no matter how much you hate or like each other, only due to the fact that youre in the same space. the room is 12 by 20 feet. i mean is that big enough for 2 people? i love love love my privacy. well atleast the fantasy of having a fuck buddy as a room mate is the little thing that i have.

and im not blatantly obvious. unless i mention it to them, my room mate would never know. i actually love flirting and sometimes do want the attention from the girls, and a sexual escapade with a woman wouldnt bother me one bit. which leads to more confusion cause do i tell him i like guys, but sometimes i like girls too? hence the 20% straight. thinking i should increase the % just a little bit. love the dilemma.

*okay freakin out more, cause apparently i thought i was going to get a bathroom with my room-mate. and im assigned to one without our own bath. omg. a communal bathroom. the plot just thickens and thickens. im just gonna take a deep breath and let the experience take over. its too much. im just laughing at the situation at this point. god is testing me.