Never been married?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ssongs, Sep 26, 2010.

  1. ssongs

    ssongs Active Member

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    I'm 27 and I'm not married. I know I'm young and still have many years ahead of me. I've had a few girlfriends but nothing serious. I'm not a loner either. I have lots of friends, I like to go out and meet new people, and I'm pretty outgoing. Most of my friends are married, have been married, or in a relationship. The remaining friends are usually in between relationships. I know several people my age who have been married and are already divorced!

    A lot of my friends (especially their girlfriends) ask me why I'm not married or have a steady girlfriend. It seems that in our society everyone is expected live in pairs. You share your life, your belongings, your money, and have kids with this other person. And if you don't want to do that you are looked at as a loner or weird or gay. "Oh he's been single for years, he must be gay."

    50% of first marriages end in divorce! And it just gets worse from there: 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Why bother going through all that trouble? I see my friends getting in fights with their spouses, arguing, yelling, storming out of the room. They don't go out as much as they used to. The ones with kids have almost no free time at all! I only see them because we work at the same place. When I compare single life to married life the cons outweigh the pros and that's why I'm not married and never plan of getting married. In fact sometimes I can't even stand dating.

    I'm not pitying myself here. I'm not complaining or feeling sorry for myself because I haven't yet found "the one." In fact I'm quite happy with my life. I've got a great job, a nice house, nice things, good friends and family. Why would I want to change all that? Am I an oddball for thinking that? Why do I not feel the urge to get married and have children like society wants me to? Has anyone never married or have some similar stories?
     
  2. chicagosam

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    If other people around you have a problem with your not being married, it is their problem. It is your life, enjoy it as you wish.
     
  3. nudeyorker

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    I lived very happily single for years. When I was questioned about it I simply said I would rather live alone than be with the wrong person.
     
  4. exwhyzee

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    When I was a kid I always assumed I'd get married...but I wanted to put it off as long as possible. My dad got married at 43 and my grandfather at 38, so I was in no hurry to break a family record. When I was in my 20s, all my friends began to pair-up and it seemed like the normal thing to do along with everyone else. I had different priorities at that point in furthering my education and profession and focused on those instead of developing a social or romantic life. Once I got a bit past 30, the pressure to get married lessened quite a bit. I remember one older friend asked me about getting married, and I replied I never will. She warned me that her brother once said he would never get married and he was hitched within a year later. Daring fate, I stated I would never ever ever get married and she shook her head like like I had summoned the devil. I dated a divorced woman with a kid a few years later and decided that wasn't what I wanted either. As my friends all got hooked up and had families, one by one I lost contact with them as their married lives took priority. At this point, married people might as well be from Mars. I went to a party last night, all married couples. An utterly boring experience and I left as soon as I could get away politely.

    Two years ago I had a long talk with a 25-year-old family member about marriage. His best friend was getting married and he was dating a woman who was introducing herself around town as "The Future Mrs _____ ". He easily could have popped the question to her and gotten hitched. With my mom listening from the back seat (we were on a road trip), I talked him down off the ledge. He wasn't really into this girl, but he kind-of felt obliged to get married because everyone else around him was. Even his own parents were married with kids by his age. I encouraged him to make his own path and to do what made sense to him...not what society or his family felt he should do. He dumped the girl a few days later. I sometimes wonder if I did the wrong thing by talking him out of proposing...but he went off to grad school a year later, refocused his profession, and now seems really happy and content (dating lots of girls!). I have no doubt he will get married one day...but probably after 30.

    Here's the kicker...though I don't regret never being married, I do wonder what married life would have brought me. I wonder if I'd be as much of a loner as I am now if I had a wife and kids to keep me social. I kinda wish I had had a kid(s) when I was younger because I like being around kids. I wonder if my employer would treat me differently if I had a family to support instead of being the flexible "single guy". I think traditional married people sometimes look at singles as immature, irresponsible, and unstable. Though some people might look at a single person in the "nobody wants him/her" light, others look at single folks in the "he/she makes their own path" light...so maybe it balances out. My dad warns me that I need to get married and have a kid...because at his age that's all anyone talks about or gets visits from. Getting older as a single is a scary proposition...but I'm certainly not going to get hitched and have kids in order to supply myself with a nursing staff and entertainment troupe.

    At the party last night, after I endured a long conversation about soccer games, school plays, and kids health, one of the moms turned to me and asked what I did for fun. I explained that I travel and I rattled off some of the places I had been in the past year...New Years in Amalfi, a reunion in Philadelphia, a conference in DC, a road trip through Fargo, Omaha, and Des Moines. I saw fireworks over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis over the 4th of July. I spent time at the Chautauqua Institute and heard Ken Burns speak, spent a weekend in Toronto and great Portuguese food, and I'm getting ready for a road trip to Austin Texas. Her eyes got real big and she said "Wow! You have a great time don't you!"

    Grass is always greener, right?
     
  5. Mr. Bungle

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    Yep!!!

    I'm 37 and never been married, love bein single. Our class just had a reunion (which I never attend, I hate those things) and I saw some photos on facebook - all my married friends look the same now - out of shape, older than their years and very, very tired... I couldn't do it. Also, exwhyzee, your last paragraph pretty much sums it up for me too.
     
  6. HiddenLacey

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    I'm 30, I've never been married. I've had two very serious relantionships, 4 & almost 5 years.

    I was actually at a wedding last night and I felt like a total smushie watching them dance with each other. I don't think I've quite reacted to something like that so strongly in a long time. It was a little wake up call for me.

    I have no plans to get married to someone just to settle. The prospect of getting older alone is rather daunting, but I kind of like being alone sometimes. It's peaceful.
     
  7. B_Marius567

    B_Marius567 New Member

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    men telling me about how they lost every thing thay owed in a divorce scared me from getting married. I need everything I own.
     
  8. BobLeeSwagger

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    I got married at 34. For a long time before that, I assumed it wouldn't happen, both because I thought it was an arbitrary status not related to happiness, and because I'd never met anyone that I wanted to marry anyway. Then both things happened and I couldn't be happier.

    Don't let anyone tell you what you need to be happy. Only if you're happy with your life alone can you be in a position to be happy with someone, should that come along. And feel free to tell any divorced person who's giving you a hard time how it worked out for them.
     
  9. PurpleThrillHammer

    PurpleThrillHammer New Member

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    Im 37 on Tuesday, and no marriage for me anytime soon. Whats the worst part is everyone you meet just assumes your married, until they start asking the wife and kids questions. Then they look at you like you have 3 heads when you say, no kids never married. Even had somebody ask me how that happened, like I must have been in a comma for the last 15 yrs. I guess the worst part is now I just don't care if I ever marry now, almost no interest in love anymore.
     
  10. nudepierced

    nudepierced Member

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    Have been married 28 years two kids one now married the other at school,I have no friends, belong to no groups not in the budget, I ran to the store an hour ago and did run into an old neighbor, when I got home first thing said was I thought you got lost.
    I get out of this one there will never be number two, I will loose everything but I started with nothing also.
     
  11. toadstool

    toadstool New Member

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    I was married for 12 years to the women of my dreams and my soulmate in 2008 i got divorced she got Multiple sclerosis and did not wnat to be married anymore and that was a bummer. Now i have been single for 5 years as i was seperated for a few years before my divorce. I have 2 kids and great friends and every one keeps asking me when i am gonna start dating or if i have plans to re marry and I don't think I ever will go down that road agian. So of course every one thinks I am Gay because i don't date but oh well it is what it is and I don't answers questions like that. I have been bi for most of my life but not when I was married and that is that
     
  12. zaragoza

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    Well i'm 25 and i've never been married,and honestly i don't know that i ever will get married, i've felt this way since i was a kid.There's nothing wrong with the way you feel.From the sound of it you seem like a pretty happy and well-rounded person.And you are still very young so who knows what will happen tomorrow.
     
  13. exwhyzee

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    When I get asked that I say "It took a fucking lot of work to avoid it!" :tongue: Not really, but it makes me feel better...heh.
     
  14. D_Hammond Happydipper

    D_Hammond Happydipper Account Disabled

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    my sister was married. but got divorce



    I made sure of that also (he was a wife beater)



    I had a friend over one day and her now ex must have hit her

    and my friend went upto him and rung his neck
     
  15. FashionVictim

    FashionVictim New Member

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    I'm too young to be settled down in a longterm relationship, let alone married with kids. This is my choice, I know in my heart I'm not ready but more importantly, I simply do not feel mature enough to refrain from selfish behaviour and give that much of myself to another person. I've been proposed to, but turned him down. I wasn't ready then, still not now.

    I've got a good mix of relationships amongst my friends; some are married, some have children, some have never been in a steady relationship, and all the inbetweens. So I'm lucky enough not to be pestered by them, or questioned, or even seen as odd. It may just be the UK, famous for our multitude of eccentric bachelors, but I'd honestly be more likely to avoid someone who'd been divorced multiple times, than someone who simply hasn't been married.
     
  16. nudeyorker

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    I used to say..."I'm picky and not willing to settle for second best like you did." Ended those conversations in a nano second.
     
  17. irox19

    irox19 New Member

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    I am 28...female..and recently broke off a 2 year engagement this past summer.

    I can definitely say getting married would have been to please my family, and go with the motions of society: relationship, engagement, marriage, kids. My relationship was not miserable, but I/we were not 'in love'.

    While my fiance loved me dearly and did his best to make things work, it was not enough for me. He did not give me the emotional support I needed, he was not always 'there' for me, he did not make me feel emotionally safe or taken care of....it took me years to realize how much i needed this. There were a lot of things wrong with us that weren't visible to those around us.

    Anyway, once we were engaged and the excitement wore off, I suddenly felt I did not want to live by society's standards. Who says we had to be married within a year of becoming engaged? Why should I feel pressure to get married, just so as soon as the wedding is over, people will start asking about kids...it's neverending. People have nothing better to talk about like: "is your relationship in a stable place?", "Are you sure this is the right step?" Instead it was all about, "So when is the date, will I be invited, and when are you having kids." Jesus.

    To make a long story short, I finally had the guts to stand up for myself and my future and I ended the relationship. It was the best decision...I can't get over that--I finally made a selfish choice that would impact my entire life in a positive way.

    Now I am single. There are days I get lonely and wonder if I could have just stayed miserable in the relationship just as so many other people do because at least I wouldn't be alone...at least I would get to have a family of my own, which is the one thing in this world I truly want--a man who adores me and gives me children. But again, this wouldn't have been enough for me.

    So when I really think about it, I don't want to be miserable. I don't want someone who is with me to be miserable. And I don't want to bring children into this world into a miserable home just to satisfy my desire to have a family.

    What's the point of me pouring my heart out....it sucks to be alone. I don't know if I will find someone. I don't know if someone will find me and want all those things together. I figure at the very least I am staying true to myself. That's the only thing that gets me through it.
     
  18. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I'm 30 and have never married. It feels a little weird to me, because I'd always assumed I'd be married with two kids by the time I was 25. I'm starting to accept it though. There's no way I'd get married just for the sake of marrying. If I ever do, it will be to someone who I feel I can spend the rest of my life with.
     
  19. ssongs

    ssongs Active Member

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    Glad there are so many people that think the same as I do. The best of part of not being married is that I do what I want when I get home from work. I don't have to live by someone else's schedule as well as my own. But I'm of course not speaking from experience. That's just what I figure is the best part.
     
  20. yhtang

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    I second that. When you marry, you also end up wiht in-laws, and thier schedule too!

    I have a (male) friend who married a girl from work because everyone else in his age group was getting married. 14 years down the line he had a just ended a messy divorce and is now living with his boyfriend.

    I do not intend to marry for the sake of marrying - that's not right for me, nor is it right to involve her in this way.
     
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