Never Piss-Off The Elderly

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by jakeatolla, Feb 25, 2007.

  1. jakeatolla

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    This is one smart lady.
    >
    > Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an
    >
    > 86-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
    >
    > it published in the New York Times.
    >
    >
    >
    > Dear Sir:
    >
    > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
    >
    > endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
    >
    > By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
    >
    > presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
    >
    > to honor it.
    >
    >
    >
    > I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
    >
    > pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
    >
    > eight years.
    >
    >
    >
    > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
    >
    > and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
    >
    > inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
    >
    > manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
    >
    > financial ways.
    >
    >
    >
    > I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
    >
    > letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
    >
    > impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
    >
    > bank has become.
    >
    >
    >
    > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
    >
    > person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
    >
    > no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
    >
    > addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
    >
    > whom you must nominate.
    >
    >
    >
    > Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
    >
    > person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
    >
    > contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
    >
    >
    >
    > I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
    >
    > about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
    >
    > Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
    >
    > countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
    >
    > financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
    >
    > accompanied by documented proof.
    >
    >
    >
    > In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
    >
    > PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
    >
    > it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
    >
    > the number of button presses required of me to access my account
    >
    > balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
    >
    > sincerest form of flattery.
    >
    >
    >
    > Let me level the playing field even further.
    >
    >
    >
    > When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    >
    > #1 To make an appointment to see me.
    >
    > #2. To query a missing payment.
    >
    > #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    >
    > #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    >
    > #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
    > nature.
    >
    > #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    >
    > #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
    >
    > computer is required.
    >
    > Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
    >
    > Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
    >
    > #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
    >
    > #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
    >
    > put on hold, pending the attention
    >
    > of my automated answering service. While this may, on
    >
    > occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
    >
    > music will play for the duration of the call.
    >
    >
    >
    > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
    >
    > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
    >
    >
    >
    > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
    >
    > Your Humble Client
     
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