Never thought being hot could be so difficult

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by bobbiedevitt2, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. bobbiedevitt2

    bobbiedevitt2 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2011
    Messages:
    81
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    Hey there. So I don't mean the post title to sound cocky. Here's my dilemma. I'm at college, and I've never had anything even close to a relationship with someone. I've tried, but I've sold myself out to someone I'm not really attracted to just because I'm lonely and I'm not doing it again.

    I'm a good looking guy. I've modeled before, I go to the gym every day, I'm very masculine (in the military), muscular, and I'm confidant. I'm really nice, and I try hard not to be picky about guys I'm attracted to. But I'm attracted to guys who are also muscular, masculine, and confidant. I think it's pretty normal to want to be with someone who's as or more attractive than one self. And I'm starting to get depressed, because in this whole big town full of hot, built, nice college guys, all of them seem to be straight. I'm in a school that's probably really conservative (it's sort of in the middle of nowhere).

    I have kept my feelers out but obviously no real-life opportunities have presented themselves. I've gone on craigslist, met a few guys, and all of the experiences have been train wrecks. I'm not going to go out with someone I'm not attracted to! I'm not looking and waiting for that PERFECT guy, and I'm not just looking for outer attractiveness. But trust me, nobody I've met has even been remotely attractive, let alone someone I would wanna be a bf with. Everyone I've talked to has been head over heals for me, but I wanna barf.

    WTF do I do? I'm so frustrated. 22 and never even been close to anything. And everyone keeps saying "quit looking for it, it will come!" But obviously nothing's coming. What do I do? Any other good-looking muscular guys had the same problem? I don't mean to seem shallow, but I just wanna find a guy that makes ME nervous and excited and all those good things because I just wanna see him, ya know?
     
  2. davidjh7

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    seattle
    Here is my advice. You are looking for someone who matches you physically, so start looking around the places that attract those kinds of guys. Start looking for gyms that cater more to gay clientel, for instance. Look for gay groups that are more about athletics, or physical activity. Look for gay men in the things you enjoy doing, not the other way around. We are everywhere, but guys that meet your criteria are not. Seattle is full of too many introverts, so you are going to have to work a bit harder to overcome that, but it is doable. That's the ebst advice I can offer. Best of luck!
     
  3. dude_007

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    4,891
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    If you are in Seattle and not finding other gay guys you're doing something wrong.
     
  4. bobbiedevitt2

    bobbiedevitt2 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2011
    Messages:
    81
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    Hey sorry I changed my profile. I'm not in Seattle anymore. And there's no specifically gay places here at all. There's really only one gym everyone goes to, and so I'm kind of stuck. Otherwise, that's great advice david! I would love to have some place I could go where the "gay density" was known to be a bit higher, if you know what I mean...
     
  5. dude_007

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    4,891
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Ok well that's different. Good luck

    And the advice you've gotten from others is good. Stop looking, then it happens. The more you focus on the not having, the more the not having shows up in your experience. It is how the universe works.
     
  6. bobbiedevitt2

    bobbiedevitt2 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2011
    Messages:
    81
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    Srdude... I would LOVE to heed your advice. But I feel like I "didn't look" for the first 21 years of my life and nothing happened, so I'm looking now. Comments? I would LOVE more than anything to meet a guy in REAL FREAKING LIFE and hit it off. But it ain't happening!
     
  7. davidjh7

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    seattle
    Again, go to the areas where guys like you hang out. It may take longer in a more rural area, but we ARE everywhere! Look for connections with PEOPLE, practice that, practice being social and making relationships in general. Once you give yourself that experience, the gay part will take care of itself. Just teach yourself to be social, and wtch for the signs--learn to read body language, and you will find someone. It's how humans work :)
     
  8. bobbiedevitt2

    bobbiedevitt2 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2011
    Messages:
    81
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    WA
    *beats head on wall, needs hug*
     
  9. ohboyyy

    ohboyyy New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2011
    Messages:
    21
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    although im not a model, im kinda in the same boat as you. cant seem to find someone that i find physically attractive around here, live in a small town aswell. but ehh you cant really push to find someone, it is true though that it will come at its own time. and i wouldnt suggest craigslist, most guys there just want your dick, not so much bf material. sorry if this doesnt make any sense, i tried haha.
     
  10. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8



    The bolded parts are the parts that tell me something about what your problem is.


    For a start off, 22 is still very much at the beginning of your love life. I don't know how out you are or if you're out at all, but given that your college is conservative and in a remote area it's worth remembering that lots of gay guys don't come out until their mid twenties and in some cases considerably later, especially in conservative places far from the permissive major urban areas. All those masculine, hunky straight guys you've been ogling... without any shadow of a doubt, some of them are gay, but given their environment and probable background they've just not realised or come to terms with it yet.

    No comfort to you that, or so you'd think anyway. But tbh at 22 it's hardly as if the sands of time are slipping away and you're running out of time is it? Don't be pressured by notions that you should have had a BF by now, or possibly lots of them. Things happen when they happen, some people go through dozens of relationships and start doing so early, some people start meeting people they're really compatible with slightly later in life. There's no "normal" love life progression which every person should expect to go through.

    You mention being attracted to confidence (among other things) a lot. The truth is most 22 year olds (in general) aren't that confident, if you are that's great, but unfortunately most other guys in your age bracket probably aren't going to be at that stage in life yet, especially if they're from conservative backgrounds.


    Now I have to address some of the stuff you're saying about looks. No, it doesn't make you shallow that you're looking for guys you're actually attracted to. Nor is it shallow or wrong to hold out for a relationship with someone you find physically attractive. That's all normal and fine.


    Having said that, the list of positive attributes you give of yourself are essentially all about your looks. You tack confidence on at the end, but given that this is preceded by a list of physical attributes I can't help but wonder if your confidence is based on how you feel about your appearance. You're good looking, you've modelled, you work out all the time, you're muscular, you're masculine and it seems from what you're saying that these are why you're confident. Are you a nice person? Are you kind? Are you friendly? Are you open? Honest? Caring? Funny? Intelligent? Passionate? Interesting? Easy to get on with? etc. And if you are any and/or all of these things, why don't they figure in your list of positive attributes? If these kinds of things are the source of your confidence too why don't you mention them even once?


    I ask because I have worked with a lot of extremely beautiful people through my involvement in the fashion industry over the years, and as an artist who specialises in capturing beauty in his work. I've known (and indeed now count some as friends) dozens of earth shatteringly gorgeous men and women who appear to be, and indeed seem to think themselves, extremely confident. But when I took the time to look closer at what the source of their "confidence" actually was I tended to find that their "confidence" was merely assurance that they thought they were hot and knew other people thought they were too. This self-assurance of one's hotness, is not the same thing as confidence. Nor is it always a very attractive quality.

    Generally speaking these confident seeming, very physically attractive men and women tend to have something slightly off-putting about them which keeps others at a distance and it's not other people being intimidated by their good looks. It's the fact that their self assurance, based on their appearance, comes across as inauthentic confidence, and always has a slightly insecure and grating edge to it. People can never quite put their finger on why they're not actually attracted to these perfect specimens, but it's because they're picking up on this undertone in their manner.

    Now I may be way off, who knows you could be a truly confident person, and I'm sure you probably are a really nice, and really interesting guy (whether you're confidence comes from that or not). But I'm only going on what you've written and the way you've described yourself and your situation.


    I certainly applaud you for going so far as to tell yourself that you're not just looking for someone who is as hot as you, though saying that you want to barf when people who aren't as hot as you are attracted to you slightly undermines that assertion and adds to my belief that far too much of who you are and the confidence you think you feel is based in how good looking you are.

    If you're beginning to think that the reason you're not meeting anyone is because of how good looking you are then stop thinking that, like now if possible. That train of thought is both self-destructive, and liable to make you highly unattractive as a person.


    Ask yourself some serious questions, what is the real source of the confidence you feel? How do you think you come off to other people? Do people think you're conceited about your looks? Are you presenting yourself as a whole human being or a particularly gorgeous physical specimen of one? How much would your confidence be undermined if all of a sudden you weren't as hot as you are right now? What kind of person are you looking for? What do you expect them to see when they see you?


    Lastly, you're looking on Craigs list and at the gym, CL is for hookups period. If you want to meet guys who are as hot as you just to fuck then Grindr and hookup sites are one way to go, as is the gym, but if you're looking for a BF then you're looking in the wrong places. And that's where exploring other ways to find confidence in yourself can actually have a double benefit. If you decide to do something which helps you develop as a person, lets say volunteer work, or night classes in something which helps you develop your mind, or perhaps getting involved in politics or campaigning or advocacy or something (anything) like that, you are bound to meet someone who recognises you for more than just your looks who is someone who makes you feel excited and they may or may not be the physical type you thought you would be attracted to. But it's true, absolutely true, that love is the greatest aphrodisiac in the world.

    But if you're looking for hot fuck buddies and hookups then be honest with yourself about that, because otherwise you'll make yourself really unhappy thinking that you're looking for a relationship which is emotionally satisfying when really what you're looking for is some seriously fine ass to fuck the night away with. And to be absolutely clear, if that's what you're looking for that is also 100% A OK, you're young, hot and horny, and have every right to want to meet other young, hot and horny guys to have sex with. But the criteria for what makes a hot fuck buddy isn't the same (or at least shouldn't be the same) as the criteria for a guy you actually want to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with. Sure you need to be really physically attracted to your BF, but when you're out there looking for him, you're not going to find him by having a list of physical attributes followed by a list of other attributes he has to have in your head. You'll meet guys to have sex with that way, but not a BF. And tbh, physical attraction should compliment emotional and mental attraction, not the other way round. Be honest with yourself, and you'll make all of this easier, ask yourself whether what you're looking for is someone to love (and have wild sex with), and not simply someone to have wild uncomplicated sex with. And be patient, 22 is decades away from being on the shelf, and deciding at 22 that "obviously nothing is coming" is waaaaaaay hasty.
     
    #10 D_Tim McGnaw, Sep 27, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2011
  11. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    6,278
    Likes Received:
    6
    Oh I feel your pain, Honey!

    I have fugglies throwing throwing themselves at my feet all the time!
    I mean, I so freaking hot I make steam look cool.
    Uggghhhh...
    If you're not at least a ten don't even bother to step up.

    These ugly people just need to learn their place and not even dare to try to think they're good enough to try their luck with this little packet of hotness!.:rolleyes::rolleyes::wink::biggrin1:
     
  12. B_Nicodemous

    B_Nicodemous New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,476
    Likes Received:
    1
    I'm going to do the unheard of. I am going to put in a nutshell what hilaire said.

    You come across as a conceited asshat. You may not be, but there it is. Physical attraction is fine and dandy and normal, but it only is one (small) part of what makes a person truly attractive, and worthy of anything but a "notch on the le head board" fuck. Right now there is something about you that is making you not even desirable for that.

    Yeah your in a conservative place. DO you own a vehicle? Yes? Good. Drive elsewhere. Even if it is on the fucking weekend. Pay the hell more attention at the gym (where apparently you live and want your future knight in shinning to not only live but be buried), and take a inconspicuous glance around. Do you notice anyone ogling you? Takes two seconds if that. Hang around the, make small talk and see what develops.

    If your looking for romance CL is the absolute worse place to go. Hell its the absolute worst place period. Sign up for a dating site. Many o them are free.

    If you want fuck buddies then there sites for those as well (far more efficient and effective than CL)

    If you just want come across as an off-putting, whiny bitch, continue to do what you are doing now. Cause right now, Mr. Every-line-is-about-my-looks-but-i'm-full-of-true-confidence, your confidence seems to be the grating king that screams "I'm needy, desperate and a complete time and energy suck who needs my ego stroked." Oooo, sounds lie a great catch! Oh wait. No. It sounds tiring.

    Just saying.
     
  13. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8
    Hmmmm. I hope the OP doesn't think this is the tone of my response, in a nutshell. :wink:




     
  14. B_Nicodemous

    B_Nicodemous New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,476
    Likes Received:
    1
    Oh so sorry.

    to the OP, change the "what he said in a nutshell" to:

    "This is what Hilaire should have said, because you need to hear it "
     
  15. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8
    Why? Because he's good looking and knows it? :confused:
     
  16. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8


    And I ask because I can't help wondering if the OP replaced all the indications that he thought he was good looking with indications that he thought he was ugly that your tone (and attempt to appropriate my contribution) would be less dismissive. I think you and I both know that would be a rank double standard. I imagine you probably wouldn't want people to draw the obvious inference from your application of such a double standard either.
     
  17. B_Nicodemous

    B_Nicodemous New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,476
    Likes Received:
    1
    Honestly hilaire you don't know me. I would have been equally harsh. There are days when i feel more or less sympathetic with people. There are days when I think that we do a disservice by mollycoddling them. So with that in mind had he indicated he was ugly and couldn't find someone, i would have said "You need to realize that people can smell failure just as in the mortgage world they can smell scared money. If you seem fucking desperate people will avoid you like the plague, just as if you seem desperate to get that next loan, people will not buy your wares."

    My advice on the CL thing would have been the same. Cl is a colossal waste for relationships and hookups both.

    The car scenario and getting to a new town on the weekends applies in both. As does the surreptitiously looking up someone (replace "at the gym" with whatever) still applies.

    I would have had a catty remark for him if he had overly stressed the importance of (insert replacement descriptor for looks:intelligence, kindness, whatever) at the expense of something else. If he had said "I want someone as intelligent or more so then myself" I would have torn that down just as fast.

    So i won't interpret what you say. OP I am hereby requesting that you strike my previous comments regarding Hilaire's intent from the record.

    As for my "He needs to hear it"?

    Hilaire i would have said that if he was an intellectual doucherag, a martyr prone I am so kind why am i being used as a doormat, or anything else.

    Hope this clears things up.
     
    #17 B_Nicodemous, Sep 27, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2011
  18. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8
    QFT.
     
  19. Sklar

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2006
    Messages:
    1,278
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    156
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Washington state
    OK, let me toss my 2 cents into the ring here.

    I think the major problem, at this time, is at 22, you have your life together EXCEPT a relationship. You're not going to find too many 22 year olds that are like that, especially outside of the military.

    If you were still in the Seattle area, I would have given you some thoughts on what to do but I don't know if you're overseas on deployment or stationed in Bum Fuck Egypt.

    The advise I would give you is to go and do the things you like to do and you will meet others who like to do them, too. From there, see where things go.

    As a previous poster posted, at 22 you're just starting out. You have a whole lifetime to find "the one." The odds are stacked against you that you will find him quickly. Sorry if that sounds jaded, but that's just honest fact.

    Sklar
     
  20. B_Nicodemous

    B_Nicodemous New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2010
    Messages:
    4,476
    Likes Received:
    1
    Well Hilaire, we never really did know or understand one another, did we. My friends know me. They know how to interpret my moods and tones. They know that sometimes I will say harsh thing because a person may ask for what they want to here, but they would do better with what they need to know.

    You can disagree with this, see me a s a bitch, think I deceived you. That's your choice. I can't stop you. I for my part will still keep my mind, eyes and heart open to all the facets of you. I made a mistake once upon a time that resulted in the loss of a friend, and was told that "my real friends know i would never..."

    I will not make reference to your posts in the future. You have my word. I shouldn't have attempted to say what you were thinking.
     
    #20 B_Nicodemous, Sep 27, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2011
Draft saved Draft deleted