Never thought being hot could be so difficult

[hockeysweat]

Seems to me that hilaire and Nicodemous are both right. You're young, inexperienced, and in certain need of some self-examination about what your values are and the qualities you possess. It also seems clear that you should avoid Craigslist and sign up for a real dating site, and, more importantly, get the hell out of town as often as you can so you can do your fishing in a bigger, gayer pond. I want to ask what possessed you to select a remote, conservative school, but you can't unring that bell. Good luck dude.

 

[dude_007]

Meditate. Let go your mind. The mind and its never-ending need to focus on the wanting of what it doesn't have is the true evil in the world. Believe me...the wanting mind will want something else as soon as it gets what it wants. You'll get your boyfriend and soon after that you'll think "ugh, that's not what I want. I want something else. Then you'll desire for the next thing. And the next. And at some point you realize it is all a cycle in your mind of wanting what you don't have. They call it samsara in the East.

Ask and it is given. All you have to do is allow it in and feel the joy of life.

Om

 

[Redwyvre]

I think everyone needs to lighten up. The OP is just at the beginning of going through the relationship mill. We should all just wish him the best of luck.

 

[Charles Finn]

I tell you to stop looking and to just keep doing what your doing go out to clubs and meet others above all have fun

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Hilaire's input is spot on.

Great post... very insightful and well presented.


My reaction to the OP is that if you aren't finding anyone, there are only two basic reasons...
There's no one there to find.

Or YOU are the problem.

You may be the problem in that you are superficial, imagine yourself as hot, when in fact you are not exuding the kind of open embrace of others and deep confidence that comes from actual personal attainment.

Looking good on film is NOT the same as being attractive. Attractiveness draws people to you, and has more to do with persona than it does with physical beauty. If people are not drawn to you... then, my friend, you are not attractive, regardless of your looks.

People "like" beauty... they respond well to it and this makes life for the beautiful easy...easy to get jobs, get into clubs, and such, but it doesn't make them attractive as people. A pretty picture is fun to look at... but it lacks any depth.

OR... it could be that the reason its you is that you are gay in a part of the world where that ain't cool.

There is no earthly reason why someone who is at an age to want to connect in relationship should be living in a town where there isn't any prospects.

Life does not get any cheaper to live than being 22 and having no major financial commitments like mortgages, children, established careers, etc... There are colleges and universities everywhere. Or... hell, take a break from school and work for a year to save some money...

Re-locate to a place where being gay is more openly accepted, and where other young gay men flock to create a higher than average population of gay men.

Even if only for a year or two, being immersed in an openly gay culture, where there are a lot more young men who are out and exploring their own homosexuality, will offer you valuable experience in how to connect, and what really matters in a potential bf.
You will learn more about yourself, and more about what makes for genuine attraction.

 

[umami_tsunami]

I would begin by seeing if your insurance will cover weekly sessions with Hilaire or Phil until you are on track. Their advice seems very good.

I would say, just be willing to cast a little wider net. I agree that you want to go with great looking people (especially when you are young and hot yourself), but I bet it's pretty rare that the best looking people you ever have sex with be the ones you have the best relationship with or love the most. Don't get me wrong, get the best looking you can while you can, but don't look too hard for the "total package".

 

[bobbiedevitt2]

Hey thanks everyone for all the advice.

First off I'm not a "conceited asscap", and I thank all but one of you for seeing my true intentions. Hilaire, you make some great points about being more than about my looks. I feel like I've always been able to be a very open, genuine person. In fact, if anything I put people off more because I'm so myself and not a "cool John Doe" than because I conform or worry in that area. That used to bug me, but I realized the only people I was putting off were jerks, and everyone else (aka the real friends) loved me for who I truly was. I'm truly thankful I had to go through that experience, because that's how I learned who I truly was and found my confidence.

I do tend to struggle with defining my confidence based on my looks though. It sort of sucks, but how good I feel about myself is often tied to how clear my skin that day is, etc. *sigh* It's something I have to work on, but don't get the idea that all my confidence comes from my looks. I would say a minority of it actually does.

I'm actually contracted with the military to finish school and start work with them when I graduate, so moving is out of the question. I originally came to this school because of the degree program and because at the time I was still the dumb little Christian boy I used to be who thought being gay was a huge sin and hated his life.

One of the main things regarding this whole attractiveness thing that has frustrated me and just sucks about being gay is this: How do most straight people meet? They meet in real life, with no pretext of a relationship or anything, and they are first drawn together because they are attracted to each other! This is a perfectly normal thing. You don't meet someone's personality and fall in love with that at first, even if that would probably be more healthy. You find yourself drawn to them because they are beautiful, and then eventually you fall in love with who they truly are. I TOTALLY agree with you all about Craigslist. It's dumb and gross but I'm desperate... lol But that's what sucks about stuff online, because I can meet someone and think they're cool, and then see them in real life, and immediately realize there's no interest. Sorry, and this is where I don't mean to sound like a douche, but if someone isn't physically attractive nothing's going to really happen past that point if we're looking for a romantic or physical relationship.

I'm not looking for quick sex, I've always wanted long-term, but I'm so randy sometimes... haha

 

[Charles Finn]

and your desperation shows relax and just be yourself

 

[vince]

Change towns and change schools. If you are as confident as you say you are, then just get out of Dodge and find some place with like minded people. If you think you "can't" for whatever reason, then let me tell you that you absolutely positively can. You can go wherever you want to and overcoming the "I can't" attitude is the only hard part. The rest is fun.

PS- Being HOT is a lifelong burden. :wink: You'll just have to learn to live with it.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Hey thanks everyone for all the advice.

First off I'm not a "conceited asscap", and I thank all but one of you for seeing my true intentions. Hilaire, you make some great points about being more than about my looks. I feel like I've always been able to be a very open, genuine person. In fact, if anything I put people off more because I'm so myself and not a "cool John Doe" than because I conform or worry in that area. That used to bug me, but I realized the only people I was putting off were jerks, and everyone else (aka the real friends) loved me for who I truly was. I'm truly thankful I had to go through that experience, because that's how I learned who I truly was and found my confidence.

I do tend to struggle with defining my confidence based on my looks though. It sort of sucks, but how good I feel about myself is often tied to how clear my skin that day is, etc. *sigh* It's something I have to work on, but don't get the idea that all my confidence comes from my looks. I would say a minority of it actually does.

I'm actually contracted with the military to finish school and start work with them when I graduate, so moving is out of the question. I originally came to this school because of the degree program and because at the time I was still the dumb little Christian boy I used to be who thought being gay was a huge sin and hated his life.

One of the main things regarding this whole attractiveness thing that has frustrated me and just sucks about being gay is this: How do most straight people meet? They meet in real life, with no pretext of a relationship or anything, and they are first drawn together because they are attracted to each other! This is a perfectly normal thing. You don't meet someone's personality and fall in love with that at first, even if that would probably be more healthy. You find yourself drawn to them because they are beautiful, and then eventually you fall in love with who they truly are. I TOTALLY agree with you all about Craigslist. It's dumb and gross but I'm desperate... lol But that's what sucks about stuff online, because I can meet someone and think they're cool, and then see them in real life, and immediately realize there's no interest. Sorry, and this is where I don't mean to sound like a douche, but if someone isn't physically attractive nothing's going to really happen past that point if we're looking for a romantic or physical relationship.

I'm not looking for quick sex, I've always wanted long-term, but I'm so randy sometimes... haha

I think the really important thing to remember is that you're a young guy. There's no need to rush anything, and you don't need to put so much pressure on yourself.

I'll be honest and say you still sound a little mixed up about how you feel about yourself and what you want from life and prospective partners. That's perfectly normal, you're 22, I don't think I even began to understand myself until a couple of years ago, and tbh I'm still only in the shallow end of the pool.


Just relax about this whole thing, try not to think about it too much, and maybe just concentrate on the other really big deals you're going to be facing in the near future. :redface:

 

[atlclgurl]

Hmmm, something is wrong here.

There are tons and tons of hot guys in the military. Hot bodies, very masculine, lots of confidence, because "Hey, I can kill you with this pen" is very conducive to being a cocky sun-uf-a-bitch.

I know, from having been in the military, that even if you are obligated to go to a particular school throughout the school year, you are expected, and it is demanded of you that you do actual military training during the summer months.

I find it unfathomable that you would have been in your summer training for at least 2-3 years and found NOBODY that rang your bell.

Hot military guys are EVERYWHERE in the military and the ones that are gay don't really hide their attraction to each other all that well, even when DADT was the official policy.

2+2 doesn't = 4 here.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Hmmm, something is wrong here.

There are tons and tons of hot guys in the military. Hot bodies, very masculine, lots of confidence, because "Hey, I can kill you with this pen" is very conducive to being a cocky sun-uf-a-bitch.

I know, from having been in the military, that even if you are obligated to go to a particular school throughout the school year, you are expected, and it is demanded of you that you do actual military training during the summer months.

I find it unfathomable that you would have been in your summer training for at least 2-3 years and found NOBODY that rang your bell.

Hot military guys are EVERYWHERE in the military and the ones that are gay don't really hide their attraction to each other all that well, even when DADT was the official policy.

2+2 doesn't = 4 here.

thank you

 

[crescendo69]

I was thinking the same concerning the military training. Are you looking for opportunities with the other trainees?

 

[bobbiedevitt2]

We don't actually do any summer training except for a bootcamp summer, in which ANYTHING even social was out of the picture. But I agree there are lots of hot dudes in the military. It's just that I don't pick up any gay-ness from any of them.

Maybe I just suck at picking up advances even from non-military guys. I guess I for one don't really make anything too obvious because I've had a few situations where I've put some glances out, etc, and they've been straight and not too happy. So maybe I'm not giving anything out for them to give something out, etc...

Maybe I'll just find some random hot built army guy and grab his ass. haha

 

[Bbucko]

It's just that I don't pick up any gay-ness from any of them.

Maybe I just suck at picking up advances even from non-military guys. I guess I for one don't really make anything too obvious because I've had a few situations where I've put some glances out, etc, and they've been straight and not too happy. So maybe I'm not giving anything out for them to give something out, etc...

Gaydar is a skill that comes from equal parts experience and exposure to a large enough pool of guys to evaluate them properly. It sounds as if you don't have much in either area. Your Gaydar skills will improve when you are able to change that.

Vince gave you some great advice; it's worth heeding. If you really want to meet guys who fit the criteria described then you'll need to find yourself in a place less isolated.

Hilly's also given you some sharp insights into confidence and an over-reliance on self-identifying as "hot". I know when I was in my early 20s, I frequently grew beards or found other ways of downplaying my looks. Though hardly without my vanities, I was always most confident of my mind and wit, and preferred that those qualities not be overshadowed by any ephemeral physical attributes.

 

[atlclgurl]

We don't actually do any summer training except for a bootcamp summer

Again, I find this difficult to believe, since you are in college, you would be on track to be an officer (the military doesn't send enlisted to college on a scholarship). Officers are normally sent to some sort of Officer (Cadet) Training, and not "bootcamp" and this is not usually limited to just one summer. Most programs (if not all) require the scholarship receipent to take training during ALL breaks from school (spring and winter as well as summer). The military wants and demands its pound of flesh in exchange for the education.

For example (this is from Georgetown University's ROTC 2008 handbook, which if you are a senior -a logical assumption for a 22 year old- would have been your freshman year...)

"The Cadet Professional Development Program (CPDT) provides Cadets with summer training opportunities during the MSL II and MSL III summer months and winter and spring breaks.

CPDT is further broken into three sections. Cadet Practical Field Training (CPFT), Cadet Troop Lead Training (CTLT) and Drill Cadet Leadership Training (DCLT). CTLT is a three track program (CTLT Platoon Leader, DCLT, Internships). Most CTLT positions are linked to a specific regiment of the Leader Development and Assessment Course (LDAC). As a result, attendance to the specific regiment is mandatory. The assigned
regiment will not be changed to accommodate personal situations. One exception to this rule is overseas culture immersion internships.

The CTLT Platoon Leader track provides Cadets the opportunity to experience leadership in Army Table of Organization and equipment (TO&E) units over a three to four week period. Cadets serve in platoon leader positions or other positions where a second lieutenant is normally assigned. Platoon Leader positions have a 3-4 week duration depending on the hosting unit and location. Assignments include units that are located CONUS and OCONUS.Cadets are assigned a unit mentor, and are provided on-post lodging and meals via a Dining Facility. This program is exclusively designed for MSIII Cadets after completion of LDAC. There are no exceptions to this policy.

The Internship track offers a myriad of opportunities for Cadets who seek additional training in specialized areas such as scientific application, engineering, nursing, medicine, intelligence, cultural awareness, and language proficiency. The internship types, locations, and allocations change significantly from year to year. Cadet Command is significantly
increasing overseas opportunities focused on cultural awareness and language proficiency. These programs are meant primarily for MSII and MSIII Cadets. Select the Internship link to see more information on each program. In some cases an MSI Cadet can request an exception to this policy.

Drill Cadet Leadership Training (DCLT). The 4-week DCLT program provides Cadets an opportunity to apply leadership skills, interact with highly skilled and experienced Noncommissioned Officers (NCOs) and drill sergeants, and improves common task skill proficiency in an Army training environment. Cadets serve in positions with the cadre of Initial Entry Training (IET) and One-Station Unit Training (OSUT) units -- Basic Training. Installations can include Ft. Lee, Ft. Jackson, Ft. Leonard wood, and Ft. Benning. This
program is exclusively designed for MSIII Cadets after completion of LDAC. There are no exceptions to this policy."

http://rotc.georgetown.edu/Hoya_Battalion_Scholarship_Internship_Guide_2008.PDF

 

[joyboytoy79]

Uhm... I'm gonna try to not sound like a pompous ass, but lately I'm failing in those efforts. But here goes anyway:

You, sir, don't sound very hot. What I mean is you don't sound at all confident. You sound defeated. You sound desperate. You sound needy. You sound completely unattractive.

I don't know why or how you've missed it, but hotness isn't about six pack abs. Six pack abs are nice to look at. They may or may not be nice to play with. They really are inconsequential in long-term relationships. No... hotness is knowing yourself. Hotness is being comfortable in your own skin. If you think being "hot" is a burden, then you really don't have what it takes to be hot, and no amount of time in the gym will cure that.

From your posts I can tell that you're a generally nice guy. I think you're too fixated on looks. I think that fixation is common, and I KNOW that it leads to countless failed relationships. I can also tell from your posts that you are not ready for a serious relationship. Until you can see the beauty in a man's soul, you won't be able to appreciate the beauty in his pecs, let alone his eyes, lips, ears, hands, etc. And the thing is, until you can see the beauty in a man's soul, those who have that gift won't see much beauty in yours.

My advice: Give up on dating. You're not ready yet. Focus on school. While you're there, take some time to reflect on what makes you beautiful on the inside. Nourish that inner beauty. Exercise it. Give it the same respect and attention you give to your outer beauty. I promise, if you give it an honest effort, you won't have to go looking for love... it will find you.

The best advice I ever got: "Don't bother looking for someone to make you happy. Nobody will ever be able to live up to those expectations. Only you can make yourself happy. Once you find your own happiness, then look for someone who is happy to share your happiness with."

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Again, I find this difficult to believe, since you are in college, you would be on track to be an officer (the military doesn't send enlisted to college on a scholarship). Officers are normally sent to some sort of Officer (Cadet) Training, and not "bootcamp" and this is not usually limited to just one summer. Most programs (if not all) require the scholarship receipent to take training during ALL breaks from school (spring and winter as well as summer). The military wants and demands its pound of flesh in exchange for the education.

For example (this is from Georgetown University's ROTC 2008 handbook, which if you are a senior -a logical assumption for a 22 year old- would have been your freshman year...)

"The Cadet Professional Development Program (CPDT) provides Cadets with summer training opportunities during the MSL II and MSL III summer months and winter and spring breaks.

CPDT is further broken into three sections. Cadet Practical Field Training (CPFT), Cadet Troop Lead Training (CTLT) and Drill Cadet Leadership Training (DCLT). CTLT is a three track program (CTLT Platoon Leader, DCLT, Internships). Most CTLT positions are linked to a specific regiment of the Leader Development and Assessment Course (LDAC). As a result, attendance to the specific regiment is mandatory. The assigned
regiment will not be changed to accommodate personal situations. One exception to this rule is overseas culture immersion internships.

The CTLT Platoon Leader track provides Cadets the opportunity to experience leadership in Army Table of Organization and equipment (TO&E) units over a three to four week period. Cadets serve in platoon leader positions or other positions where a second lieutenant is normally assigned. Platoon Leader positions have a 3-4 week duration depending on the hosting unit and location. Assignments include units that are located CONUS and OCONUS.Cadets are assigned a unit mentor, and are provided on-post lodging and meals via a Dining Facility. This program is exclusively designed for MSIII Cadets after completion of LDAC. There are no exceptions to this policy.

The Internship track offers a myriad of opportunities for Cadets who seek additional training in specialized areas such as scientific application, engineering, nursing, medicine, intelligence, cultural awareness, and language proficiency. The internship types, locations, and allocations change significantly from year to year. Cadet Command is significantly
increasing overseas opportunities focused on cultural awareness and language proficiency. These programs are meant primarily for MSII and MSIII Cadets. Select the Internship link to see more information on each program. In some cases an MSI Cadet can request an exception to this policy.

Drill Cadet Leadership Training (DCLT). The 4-week DCLT program provides Cadets an opportunity to apply leadership skills, interact with highly skilled and experienced Noncommissioned Officers (NCOs) and drill sergeants, and improves common task skill proficiency in an Army training environment. Cadets serve in positions with the cadre of Initial Entry Training (IET) and One-Station Unit Training (OSUT) units -- Basic Training. Installations can include Ft. Lee, Ft. Jackson, Ft. Leonard wood, and Ft. Benning. This
program is exclusively designed for MSIII Cadets after completion of LDAC. There are no exceptions to this policy."

http://rotc.georgetown.edu/Hoya_Battalion_Scholarship_Internship_Guide_2008.PDF

hmmmmm....

Uhm... I'm gonna try to not sound like a pompous ass, but lately I'm failing in those efforts. But here goes anyway:

You, sir, don't sound very hot. What I mean is you don't sound at all confident. You sound defeated. You sound desperate. You sound needy. You sound completely unattractive.

I don't know why or how you've missed it, but hotness isn't about six pack abs. Six pack abs are nice to look at. They may or may not be nice to play with. They really are inconsequential in long-term relationships. No... hotness is knowing yourself. Hotness is being comfortable in your own skin. If you think being "hot" is a burden, then you really don't have what it takes to be hot, and no amount of time in the gym will cure that.

From your posts I can tell that you're a generally nice guy. I think you're too fixated on looks. I think that fixation is common, and I KNOW that it leads to countless failed relationships. I can also tell from your posts that you are not ready for a serious relationship. Until you can see the beauty in a man's soul, you won't be able to appreciate the beauty in his pecs, let alone his eyes, lips, ears, hands, etc. And the thing is, until you can see the beauty in a man's soul, those who have that gift won't see much beauty in yours.

My advice: Give up on dating. You're not ready yet. Focus on school. While you're there, take some time to reflect on what makes you beautiful on the inside. Nourish that inner beauty. Exercise it. Give it the same respect and attention you give to your outer beauty. I promise, if you give it an honest effort, you won't have to go looking for love... it will find you.

The best advice I ever got: "Don't bother looking for someone to make you happy. Nobody will ever be able to live up to those expectations. Only you can make yourself happy. Once you find your own happiness, then look for someone who is happy to share your happiness with."

THE best post regarding the main thrust. Nicer than mine, less soft serve than others.

 

[B_Nicodemous]

Hey thanks everyone for all the advice.

First off I'm not a "conceited asscap", and I thank all but one of you for seeing my true intentions. Hilaire, you make some great points about being more than about my looks. I feel like I've always been able to be a very open, genuine person. In fact, if anything I put people off more because I'm so myself and not a "cool John Doe" than because I conform or worry in that area. That used to bug me, but I realized the only people I was putting off were jerks, and everyone else (aka the real friends) loved me for who I truly was. I'm truly thankful I had to go through that experience, because that's how I learned who I truly was and found my confidence.

I do tend to struggle with defining my confidence based on my looks though. It sort of sucks, but how good I feel about myself is often tied to how clear my skin that day is, etc. *sigh* It's something I have to work on, but don't get the idea that all my confidence comes from my looks. I would say a minority of it actually does.

I'm actually contracted with the military to finish school and start work with them when I graduate, so moving is out of the question. I originally came to this school because of the degree program and because at the time I was still the dumb little Christian boy I used to be who thought being gay was a huge sin and hated his life.

One of the main things regarding this whole attractiveness thing that has frustrated me and just sucks about being gay is this: How do most straight people meet? They meet in real life, with no pretext of a relationship or anything, and they are first drawn together because they are attracted to each other! This is a perfectly normal thing. You don't meet someone's personality and fall in love with that at first, even if that would probably be more healthy. You find yourself drawn to them because they are beautiful, and then eventually you fall in love with who they truly are. I TOTALLY agree with you all about Craigslist. It's dumb and gross but I'm desperate... lol But that's what sucks about stuff online, because I can meet someone and think they're cool, and then see them in real life, and immediately realize there's no interest. Sorry, and this is where I don't mean to sound like a douche, but if someone isn't physically attractive nothing's going to really happen past that point if we're looking for a romantic or physical relationship.

I'm not looking for quick sex, I've always wanted long-term, but I'm so randy sometimes... haha

Craigslist and your seeming bafflement as to where else to look? I will refrain from saying type in gay dating site and seeing what happens. OkCupid, Chemistry.com, Match.com, CompatiblePartners.com, would all be of the more relationship oriented bent. If you get randy and want to fuck, NSA, then Gay.com, Manhunt.com, and AdultFriendFinder.com, all come to mind.

OK, i typed into the search engine "gay military dating" and got gaymillitarydating.com, milltarycupid.com, and gaymilliatrysingles.com and a host others. These people will have built in attraction for you, similar experiences and common interests.

Amazingly this thought, to search for you, show you how t do it, never occurred to ANYONE ELSE on this thread. Not just you and i just thought of it now, so there ya go. Proof that if it's out there, you can find it. Search took under ten seconds.

I am sorry your upbringing did a number on you. I still think you put far to much stock in your own looks and those of others. If romance is your goal, and love and a relationship, then you may need to understand that, when IN LOVE a person who may have been a 7 on just looks, will be elevated to an 11. That's the way love works. If you are holding out for an 11 physically and then hoping you spark..honey your gonna be waiting a long time. Why? Simply because THEY are waiting for THEIR perfect 10's, and regardless of how hot you may look, you might not check all of there boxes, some of which are quite unrealistic. As some of yours MAY be. Also as HAS been stated before, your "confidence" smells like anything but. People smell fear and desperation and low-self esteem. And are immediately put off by it. The real "10's" are not looking for a person who they feel may need constant reassurance. It is as draining as a person who feels less attractive need for that same reassurance. It tiring. It's grating. And it does not inspire people to want to get to now you beyond a fuck, if that.

oh, i never said you were and "asscap" i said you "come across as a conceited asshat" at least quote me right.:tongue:

You come across as a conceited asshat. You may not be, but there it is.

Which post was less helpful? My original ne or Dragons irony laced post? Was her use of smilies what gave her a pass?

Oh I feel your pain, Honey!

I have fugglies throwing throwing themselves at my feet all the time!
I mean, I so freaking hot I make steam look cool.
Uggghhhh...
If you're not at least a ten don't even bother to step up.

These ugly people just need to learn their place and not even dare to try to think they're good enough to try their luck with this little packet of hotness!.:wink::biggrin1:

 

[D_Kitten_Kaboodle]

My advice: Give up on dating. You're not ready yet . Focus on school. While you're there, take some time to reflect on what makes you beautiful on the inside. Nourish that inner beauty. Exercise it. Give it the same respect and attention you give to your outer beauty. I promise, if you give it an honest effort, you won't have to go looking for love... it will find you.

The best advice I ever got: "Don't bother looking for someone to make you happy. Nobody will ever be able to live up to those expectations. Only you can make yourself happy. Once you find your own happiness, then look for someone who is happy to share your happiness with."

The absolute BEST advice you have received. Good work, JBT~