NEW BOYFRIEND BUT IT STILL WANT OTHERS , bad person?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mxaxuxrxixzxixox, Oct 5, 2010.

  1. mxaxuxrxixzxixox

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berlin (BE, DE)
    Verified:
    Photo
    So i really need ur advice everyone on this please…i dont have anyone else to turn to.

    So i have a new boyfriend and i really LOVE him and everything is perfect!

    But i have this urge to have sex with another men and chasing other guys…and thinking 'bout having sex with them and stuff.

    MY BF is more bottom and more passive in anal sex and so im the always the TOP part , and he likes me to be really dominant…im cool with that and its freakin best sex i ever had…

    but im versatile in anal sex and i really need a good fuck sometimes where i am the passive guy…and he isnt really the "fucker" ;)

    so i dont know…am i a BAD PERSON? do i dont love him…i mean how can i feel and think like that then…im confused :/
     
  2. B_Jules7

    B_Jules7 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2009
    Messages:
    399
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London
    Mate, welcome to the real world. I have a lovely girlfriend who is cute, fun, sexy and great in bed... but that doesn't stop me wanting to have sex with other women (and sometimes hot guys). I manage to resist but still loom at porn etc and fantisize about it!
     
  3. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2010
    Messages:
    288
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Having those urges doesn't make you a bad person.

    Resisting those urges make you a good person.
     
  4. yng_hung_london

    yng_hung_london Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2009
    Messages:
    93
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    215
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK
    having the urges is reasonably normal. If they become needs, you have two choices: talk to your bf and try to sort out the sex life to match what you need, and if that can't be done the way you currently do it, you find an alternative, or you go back to shagging and doing random sex. Anything else in the long term will turn sour
     
  5. kalouchiy

    kalouchiy New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2010
    Messages:
    49
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston
    Urges mean you are a human being...even my lady has them (bi and straight)
     
  6. dreamer20

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2006
    Messages:
    4,492
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    N.Providence
    ^^I , however, will not judge mxa as being either good or bad for satisfying his sexual urges. He could easily choose to be in an open relationship, where he has number of sex partners, or restrict himself to one sex partner. Whatever path you take, chose wisely mxa.
     
  7. lucidbass

    lucidbass New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2010
    Messages:
    288
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I was under the impression that it was clearly not an open relationship (hence the thread). If his partner is open to the idea of an open relationship, by all means, throw what I've said out of the window.
     
  8. mxaxuxrxixzxixox

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berlin (BE, DE)
    Verified:
    Photo
    mhm…im really not into an open relationship :/…i really love him! and so im so confused and fucked up y i want to have sex with others…i know it will destroy it all but i still have it…so…i dont know…

    dont u think it could be a psychological issue? where are u all , hobby psychologists?^^

    im really messed up…dont know what to do…still young :(
     
  9. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    You need to tell your current boyfriend about your urges and see what he thinks. In a relationship you agree to give each other a say about what you do, and he might like to have an open relationship, especially if he's really submissive. Some subs like getting 'loaned out', even. Don't beat yourself up until you know more about what would or would not be okay with him.
     
  10. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,458
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,558
    Location:
    United States
    You're not a bad person. Monogamy just probably isn't for you. You and your boyfriend will be MUCH happier (even if it means you break up) if you accept this and talk about it now. The longer you wait, the worse it is.

    You should do some research online about different types of poly relationships before you say "I'm not into an open relationship." Find out that there are many people who are very much committed to a loving relationship with each other, but who need something more to feel fulfilled. I love monogamy! I can't see myself in any other configuration. However, we don't all fit into the same cookie-cutter relationship model, and that doesn't make any of us wrong. What is wrong, is being with someone exclusively while feeling like you need other venues for your sexual desires, denying yourself the fulfillment you deserve, and denying your partner the opportunity to be with someone who is totally and completely fulfilled in a monogamous situation with him, if that's what he wants. You may both find that this is something you wish to explore. And if not, if it all falls apart, you will both be free to find exactly what it is you need in a relationship.
     
    #10 AlteredEgo, Oct 5, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2010
  11. Brick7

    Brick7 Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    502
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    30
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The dark conservative heart of Central California
    Playing the "pop psychologist", you say everything is perfect (except he isn't a top...so everything's not that perfect, is it?) and then in the next sentence you say you want to have sex with other men.
    So you are either not a monogamous person and really shouldn't be in a relationship at this point in your life, or maybe you don't think you deserve to be happy in a good relationship and so you are thinking of other men/sex with other men which may end up bringing your current perfect relationship to an end. That's self-sabotage. If that's the case, then you have to ask yourself why you think you don't deserve to be happy in a perfect relationship. What are you afraid of?
     
  12. EuroboyUS

    EuroboyUS Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2006
    Messages:
    169
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London
    I had a very similar problem. My boyfriend, who I adore, has a very small penis and to make matters worse he had it circumcised to "cure" a case of very tight foreskin. Now he has sensitivity issues and he doesn't really enjoy topping. Even when he does, it's not really enough to satisfy me. We've talked about it and he's said that he's happy for me to bottom for some of my friends I used to have sex with before we met or even to go find random hook-ups if that's what I need. For now, we've decided to invest in some really good toys and he uses those on me - we have a strap-on he can wear and several dildos and vibrators. I am a much more sexual person than he is so I can use them alone or with him when he's in the mood. It works for us for now, but it's not like having "real" anal sex. I may explore other options later because of that, but knowing that I can and it doesn't change the way we feel about each other has made a big difference to me not feeling like I'm "trapped" in a relationship where the sex is not what I need.

    In short, be honest with him and, if you love him, try to find a way to make it work.
     
  13. denton85

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2009
    Messages:
    235
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Verified:
    Photo
    You are thinking too much into how human society is now. Keep in mind we are primates that have invented a set of rules to follow.

    We are always going to want more. Wanting more is what's made us into who we are today. But the true test of ourselves is mental control and discipline.

    Chances are you aren't at the point of sticking with one person, and one person only for the rest of your life. So you don't have to worry about it now.

    However... try not to hurt too many other people around you with these urges. They have wants and expectations just as you do, even if they do differ from your ideas. Just try to keep that in mind.
     
  14. D_Barltley Bassturd

    D_Barltley Bassturd Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2008
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    When I'm in love, I happen to have no more urges of the kind...
    It could mean that you're not in love OR that... you're not me. :p

    Anyway, have a talk with bf. No matter what will come out, thanks to the way he's going to react, you'll know if he's worth the love and trust, or not.
     
  15. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2006
    Messages:
    2,116
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male

    Having thoughts, desires or urges does not make you anything bad. When I got together with my life-partner over ten years ago we agreed to have a sense of humor. We also agreed that the compromises necessary in an "open" relationship were not for us. However, we are Married not "dead". If I see something that is absolutely living j/o material I enjoy the view and I fully expect him to do the same thing. If we are together and can do it without raising unwanted attention we will without hesitation comment or call the attention of the other to the scenery. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the view of "Father Nature". The problem is that you need to set rules and boundaries for the relationship and then live by what you set. Monogamous relationships require one set of rules while the rules in open relationships are quite different. I know many men who operate in open mode. My problem with open is not mistrust of my partner at all. My problem is mistrust of the stranger in that there are a percentage of individuals who would have zero hesitation in not being truthful with regards to STD's. Also some people just do not understand the words "no strings attached". This leads to complications on occasion and can bring heartache to both in an open relationship. We just chose not to go this route. You have to figure out what works for you as a couple and then absolutely positively discuss the specifics of that agreement until it is etched in stone.
     
  16. mxaxuxrxixzxixox

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berlin (BE, DE)
    Verified:
    Photo
    if i'll tell him , it will be over…hes not that kind of a person , hes carining loving…and not that much…sexual like me i would say , we once spoke about an open relationship and its a total no go for him…and atually for me too :/
     
  17. mxaxuxrxixzxixox

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2010
    Messages:
    108
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    24
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Berlin (BE, DE)
    Verified:
    Photo
    mhm…thats a good point…i never got the chance to know what it is being happy…thats y sometimes i just start fights randomly…i like to fight…somewhow…well…hes not a top thats right…but he doesnt have to…he has his role and thats okay…but im like the total dominant top or the whore bottom ;)

    really hard…
     
  18. jpdab1

    jpdab1 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2006
    Messages:
    194
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    120
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London
    I'm in a relationship as well and I think about having sex with other people... it's just fantasies... there's nothing wrong with it. As long as you control yourself you're a good person.
     
  19. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    Yes, this is a good way to handle things if you really value being faithful so much. Fantasies are wonderful things. Maybe your boyfriend would even enjoy hearing them, like a story...
     
  20. WSEATTLE

    WSEATTLE Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,227
    Gender:
    Male
    No matter how many people you sleep with just be honest with people.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted