New man with a problem

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Jean-Paul, Mar 7, 2009.

  1. Jean-Paul

    Jean-Paul Member

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    Chalk this up to being a newbie at a number of things, but here goes.

    I'm 29, recently divorced, could have cheated but tried to be a good guy and didn't in a very frustrating marriage, and then started going with this incredible girl I met through the AFF website 4 months ago. She is my dream sex partner and she has taken me to places I only dreamed about when I was younger. One of those places is that she got me going with her to a weekend swingers party held by a couple she found out about at the website where everyone switches around and just screws the entire weekend. I have to admit I'm really loving this change in my life, but I'm starting to get worried. All this girl and all the others in this group talk about is: how big a cock is, or: how many times can so and so get it up, and stuff like that, and none of the women ever wants to talk about anything else. I asked one of the married women if she and her husband talk about other stuff when they're by themselves, and all she did was laugh and told me to just enjoy what I was getting while I could.

    Because of what I know about myself and what I went through in my marriage, I know if I get married again, which I want to do, it must be with a woman as uninhibited, and demanding and as appreciative as the girl I'm with now, but I know it can't be someone as single-minded as her. I will need a woman with needs like mine, but one who cares about a whole range of things and ideas, and not just how soon I'm going to fuck her again. I just don't know whether women like that exit. Another thing is that one of the other women in the group has told me she wants to start seeing me during the week, and I get the impression there's not a whole lot of loyalty going on with any of the couples.

    I'm basically having a ball, but am starting to question whether I'm setting myself up for a problem down the road. I'd like to know whether this makes any sense to anybody here and if anyone has any advice.
     
  2. Corius

    Corius New Member

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    There is the sex which is tinsel and firecracker quality--it gets you off but leaves no abiding satisfaction. Then, of course, there is the kind of sex that happens between two friends who somehow have become more than friends. There is no seduction, the sex comes about because by that stage they have a bond of friendship and love and both of them need and want it. The sex seems so natural and so right and it is because it comes as a sort of confirmation of the bond that exists between them. And, that bond becomes stronger with each re-confirmation and the sex is fantastic.
    It happens. I am an older man and can honestly say that the journey into the fullness of my sexuality has been a very happy one. Go for the gold standard! A firm relationship is the proper foundation for sex that is transforming.
     
  3. sexplease

    Gold Member

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    Keep it in perspective. Having sex is about NOW, not tomorrow. Love is about now AND an investment for tomorrows.
    Being faithful and monogamous is a choice. Being sexually open, adventurous and with multiple partners is also a choice. Neither can be forced on a partner. If it is assumed, and not discussed, failure is inevitable.
    Open honest communication is the key to long lasting involvements - were they only of the flesh, the mind, the spirit or a combination of those human attributes.
     
  4. yhtang

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    I agree with your view, and I think you phrased it eloquently.
     
  5. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    I think I can relate to what you are talking about. And hopefully I can help you with brainstorming your questions.

    This is where I am coming from. I am a nudist.....and there are a lot of nudists that are into the swinging lifestyle. So, I think I kind of understand where you are coming from. The way I look at it is that swinging is kind of like an interest group......That is one thing they all have in common. But I am sure that you can find people that are swingers that belong to other interest groups too.

    What I would suggest......is that maybe you check into the nudist lifestyle. I have found that most nudist women are not inhibited in the bedroom......It is a coin toss whether they will want to be involved in the swinging stuff. My husband and I are perfectly fine being monogamous. It just feels more comfortable to me.

    But you will find most nudist people talk about a lot more interests than just talking about sexual topics all the time.
     
  6. SpeedoMike

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    pray your ex doesn't show up some weekend. I agree that there are choices about what one from sex. we shouldn't impose our choice on someone else.
     
  7. pixie

    pixie New Member

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    I am a newbie here as well. Jean-Paul, having read closely what you said, and trying to discern what you are really looking for, I would suggest that while you are enjoying the fleshly bit, you are, if you are to admit it to yourself, finding it rather empty.

    Here's an idea: eHarmony. Seriously. There you will find women that are as horny as you but also that have a brain and who "care about a whiole range of things and ideas". (I am not suggesting that women on AFF don't have a brain, but, having a) a brain and b) been on AFF myself, I do know that the primary purpose of the site is rather temporal in nature).

    And this statement:

    is . . . in a word (okay, two) fucking brilliant. I love it - tinsel and firecracker. :smile:
     
  8. horton

    horton New Member

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    If men like that exist, why not women? Obviously, all women are not either horny with no brains, or intelligent, but passive about sex. There are lots of incriments in between the two.
    I'd say, given the way you said you feel, you probably are setting yourself up for "a problem down the road." I'd try a different route that makes you feel more comfortable, and you just might find you're having just as much fun.

    There has been some very good advice in other posts here. I especially like what Corius had to say.
     
  9. torontoboy

    torontoboy New Member

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    On the other hand, you never really know -- AFF, eHarmony, the library...

    As a bit of an academic who's always curious, I briefly joined AFF last year. I liked the idea of people being open-minded about discussing their sexuality, and being proud of it. However, as I was ideally looking for something a little more, I made a decision to post fairly standard (i.e. non-nude) photos of myself to subtly indicate that I was not just in it for a physical fuck, but a mental fuck as well. :smile: Perhaps I was lucky, but it worked... I met a cool woman who was on the same wavelengths in many ways. It was certainly interesting knowing a lot about her sexuality, and vice versa, upon first meeting, but also it removed a lot of the typical awkwardness of a first date. Yes, I did say date as we just met for dinner the first couple times. It's somehow cool to be "taking it slow", yet know that across the table from you is someone just as kinky as you, who even has a lot of compatible views on sex...

    Anyhow, just goes to show, don't knock AFF, or any other method.
     
  10. Jean-Paul

    Jean-Paul Member

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    Believe me, there is NO chance this will happen.

    There's been some great stuff on here and I thank you all. The depth of some of the comments indicates this place is much more than a porn site. That said, I've thought about some of the suggestions and realize that I'm not really looking for the "right' girl just now (maybe I need to eventually get tired of what I'm currently involved in) and just relax and enjoy it. Our group is not large, and my sample size is weak, so there probably are women who want what I want and then a lot more, and like anything else, can be found when the time is right and with enough effort to find them in an open manner.

    Thanks, and bring on any other thoughts as well.
     
  11. basque9

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    When one goes to a swinger's party it goes without saying that loyalty between couples has flown out the window! I went with someone for awhile who gave me unbridled good sex , but then took me to swinger's parties and asked me to bring a third person to our sexual couplings! It turned out that I was being used as bait to get the fresh, flesh goods for this would be lover of mine! I think you are wise to reconsider your sexual priorities!:cool:
     
  12. Jean-Paul

    Jean-Paul Member

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    I've had a similar thought. My girl friend is really into the group and MMF stuff, and she had been told she had to bring a guy who could measure up to what was required.
     
  13. greatdickismydrug

    greatdickismydrug New Member

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    Another thing to keep in mind is that you just went through a divorce which is #2 on the "big stressers of life list." It will really mess you up. Been there. Try to be easier on yourself. i don't know if you are having as much of a ball as you were at the start. Maybe you should take a break and see how you feel? Amazing sex partners can be found in all sorts of unexpected places.
     
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