New to the world of open relationships (m/m)

[buzzrider7]

Hi all,
After four years with my wonderful partner, we've decided to shift into having an open relationship. This is the first time for both of us. We both feel very comfortable with the idea of both ourselves and the other being with somebody else (in theory at least!). I was the driving force in bringing this about and will probably be the one exercising the option more for now at least. But, it's something we've discussed in hypothetical terms off and on since last summer, so it did not take any convincing, pleading, etc. We talked a few weeks ago when I said I was ready to give it a try if he was still open to it, and he said yes.
Since I'm brand new to this, I'd love to hear some advice from others who have gone through this process and perhaps made some mistakes along the way that could be shared and possibly avoided myself. There's a little concern of going hog wild and hooking up left and right at every opportunity just because I can, like a kid who has been told for years to stay out of the candy shop, but has suddenly been handed a wad of cash and is told to go buy whatever he wants. As fun as that sounds, I think I'd feel pretty icky afterward if I did that. Safety is of course paramount as well, and I have no desire to partake in anything high risk. (Sucking sizeable uncut cock is by far what turns me on most in life, so there will be some of that!)
Anyhoo, I'd love to hear experiences, lessons learned, advice on avoiding possible problems, issues, etc. that anybody might care to share. Thanks!!

 

[kingdong9]

Don't do it. In my eyes your relationship is over if you need outside interference.

 

[BillM]

Just remember that the CANDY your now partner is licking my be better then your CANDY and this could be the END of your 4 year relationship!! Bill

 

[buzzrider7]

Thanks for your perspectives, Bill and kingdong. I'm curious to know if your advice comes from personal experiences where opening a relationship ended in its demise? What caused the breakups?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Opening my marriage was the beginning of the end. I am not wired for long-term promiscuity. I like monogamy. Eventually, I realized that my husband is a really good, wonderful man, but he wasn't ever going to be my lover. I wasn't ever going to get my sexual needs met at home. Also, I'm not just good in bed, but really good at friendship. As a result, I was confusing and hurting some really good men who didn't understand why we shouldn't try to be together. I didn't want to carry on as I was, and leave a trail of pain and confusion in my wake. I asked for a divorce.

It sure was fun while it lasted. But it really wasn't fair to my husband, who never took advantage of his freedom, nor to me who really just wanted to get everything from home. I had said that it might be an unfair expectation to expect to get everything I need in one companion. But that's not true. I've had everything I needed before, and I can again. Just not with the one I married.

 

[EdWoody]

I think it can work perfectly fine, as long as you take several reasonable precautions. You've already mentioned safe sex, I'm glad to hear that.

I think it's perfectly sensible to accept that no one person can always and completely fulfil everything another person wants and needs. My partner is interested in bondage, I am interested in group scenes. Neither shares the other's interest, so it seems only fair that with mutual consent we agree to explore those interests with other people rather than let unfulfilled desires fester and poison the relationship.

Our policy has always been to understand that it is not another person in the relationship, it's just another body in the bed. I'm not saying treat the other like a piece of meat, but if you are sure to draw that line, then there is no reason this has to threaten the emotional core of your relationship. In fact, it could help to relieve the pressure.

So many relationships break up because of cheating, because one partner wanted something that the other didn't and societal pressure did not allow them to discuss it openly and come to an honest compromise. Relationships are not one size fits all, especially not gay relationships which by their very nature do not conform to heteronormative expectations. You can define your own relationship how you want with open discussion and honesty.

 

[deleted871301]

In my honest opinion, the moment a relationship reaches the point where one or both partners want to explore with a third party the relationship you once knew is over. There is just no going back!

 

[BillM]

Thanks for your perspectives, Bill and kingdong. I'm curious to know if your advice comes from personal experiences where opening a relationship ended in its demise? What caused the breakups?

STUD, Both and I am in a current relationship where We have 3 ways mostly MMF and it is working just fine so you may want to start with just sharing another person together to get your romance back on track if the 2 of you want to stay together as a couple!! Bill

 

[buzzrider7]

Thanks for the perspectives AlteredEgo and Ivsxy808. Our relationship feels very healthy with excellent communication, but as you mentioned Ivsxy808, we also have some interests that the other does not share and we feel that it would be better to have the freedom to explore these since it doesn't bother either of us let the other do so rather than to let unfulfilled desires fester. We both also feel very stable and secure with our connection, knowing that it is highly unlikely for somebody else to step in and replace the amount of trust and love we have built up little by little over the years. My hunch is that having the chance to explore sexually with other people and experience that freedom will actually bring us closer as odd as that sounds.
We are not looking to replace a broken sex life at home by being with other people. We think our sexual connection is great, but if opportunities to have a sexual experience outside of our connection arise, however, we both see no reason not to explore this and have fun with it.

 

[BillM]

My hunch is that having the chance to explore sexually with other people and experience that freedom will actually bring us closer as odd as that sounds

STUD, Watch what you wish for as dreams do NOT always CUM true!! Bill

 

[buzzrider7]

Thanks for the advice.

STUD, Watch what you wish for as dreams do NOT always CUM true!! Bill

 

[bi_todd]

buzzrider7: I think your biggest risk lies in the emotional ties that can develop from these outside encounters. If you limit yourself to just anon hookups and one-night stands, then perhaps attachments are not a concern. But emotional bonding is *supposed* to result from repeated sexual unions with another person you find attractive. Humans are just wired that way. In fact, I think there is something broken inside when that bonding does *not* happen. I wouldn't want to be that kind of emotionless creature. You may have confidence in your own ability to enforce emotional boundaries with other people, but what if they develop attachments for you? That is a kind of emotional abuse to play with their feelings like that.

For more than two years, I have been fucking another married guy on the side (I wrote about that elsewhere in a different LPSG thread and received a fair amount of condemnation, so save your flames folks). Neither of us wants to abandon our marriages - that thought is unappealing to both of us for various reasons. However, the sex with him is simply mind blowing, and that is what keeps us coming back for more. We see each other several times a month and our fuck sessions go on for hours (sometimes all day). We fulfill needs for each other that cannot be satisfied at home. Beyond the sex, it's not surprising that a real connection has developed between us over time. Life can quickly get complicated when emotional attachment enters the picture. He and I talk about that frankly.

If you proceed, I simply advise you to go in with eyes wide open regarding the emotional pitfalls that await.

 

[buzzrider7]

Thanks, Todd. Very good advice. I think if I have any concerns at all, that might be the one. My partner and I also agree that if either of us finds somebody else who is a better match, then as sad as it might be, we'd prefer to see the other one pursue it rather than try to block it from happening. I only want to be with my partner as long as he fully wants to be with me. We both believe that as long as we are solid at home, this is not likely to happen. If it does, though, we are ready to talk about it and decide what feels right. Almost all of my close gay friends in LTRs have been open for years, and many of them have been together for 10-20 years now. The consistent advice I get from them is that as long as things are solid and secure at home with your partner, there is not going to be much temptation to want to run off with somebody else. Thanks also for sharing about your lover.

buzzrider7: I think your biggest risk lies in the emotional ties that can develop from these outside encounters. If you limit yourself to just anon hookups and one-night stands, then perhaps attachments are not a concern. But emotional bonding is *supposed* to result from repeated sexual unions with another person you find attractive. Humans are just wired that way. In fact, I think there is something broken inside when that bonding does *not* happen. I wouldn't want to be that kind of emotionless creature. You may have confidence in your own ability to enforce emotional boundaries with other people, but what if they develop attachments for you? That is a kind of emotional abuse to play with their feelings like that.

For more than two years, I have been fucking another married guy on the side (I wrote about that elsewhere in a different LPSG thread and received a fair amount of condemnation, so save your flames folks). Neither of us wants to abandon our marriages - that thought is unappealing to both of us for various reasons. However, the sex with him is simply mind blowing, and that is what keeps us coming back for more. We see each other several times a month and our fuck sessions go on for hours (sometimes all day). We fulfill needs for each other that cannot be satisfied at home. Beyond the sex, it's not surprising that a real connection has developed between us over time. Life can quickly get complicated when emotional attachment enters the picture. He and I talk about that frankly.

If you proceed, I simply advise you to go in with eyes wide open regarding the emotional pitfalls that await.

 

[Auggiecakes]

...There's a little concern of going hog wild and hooking up left and right at every opportunity just because I can, like a kid who has been told for years to stay out of the candy shop, but has suddenly been handed a wad of cash and is told to go buy whatever he wants. As fun as that sounds, I think I'd feel pretty icky afterward if I did that. Safety is of course paramount as well, and I have no desire to partake in anything high risk...

Seems like your partner and yourself have spoken extensively about this so who are we to say "don't do it."

Just really ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you can eat the whole cake you bake.

 

[bi_todd]

My partner and I also agree that if either of us finds somebody else who is a better match, then as sad as it might be, we'd prefer to see the other one pursue it rather than try to block it from happening.

That's a very adult and mature (and perhaps sterile) way to view things, but aren't you inviting - even encouraging - the opportunity to find a better match by opening the relationship?

I only want to be with my partner as long as he fully wants to be with me.

By definition, aren't you both already saying that you don't fully want to be with each other by opening the relationship?

*More than ironic that I am posing these questions to you given my own situation. Feel free to tell me "fuck off".

 

[buzzrider7]

Good advice, and kind of comical since I often do this when I choose to indulge in cake! I usually go without processed sugar, but every now and then allow myself to eat whatever I want, then I overindulge and feel gross afterward. This is exactly what I don't want to do in this situation (despite how hot it might feel now before I've actually done anything), so I greatly appreciate the advice. I think being sparing and selective is the way to go.

Seems like your partner and yourself have spoken extensively about this so who are we to say "don't do it."

Just really ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you can eat the whole cake you bake.

 

[Auggiecakes]

Good advice, and kind of comical since I often do this when I choose to indulge in cake! I usually go without processed sugar, but every now and then allow myself to eat whatever I want, then I overindulge and feel gross afterward. This is exactly what I don't want to do in this situation (despite how hot it might feel now before I've actually done anything), so I greatly appreciate the advice. I think being sparing and selective is the way to go.

well i would suggest to play together as a couple before your play alone. start at the shallow end of the pool.

 

[buzzrider7]

No, I don't agree. I think on the contrary, we're both confident and secure enough that we already have the perfect match that there is no threat in having the other go out and have sex with other people if the opportunity arises.
If I have sex with somebody else, I don't believe I'm saying that I don't fully want to be with my partner. Telling each other that we have no desire to have sex with anybody else and have no sexual attraction to anybody else after four years together is simply untrue. I feel that having these desires and denying them is what often leads to lying and cheating in relationships, which is not something we want. We love each other, love having sex with each other and can honestly say that there are other people we'd love to have sex with too. To me that's just being open and honest. (Please note that I'm speaking ONLY about my situation here and this is by no means any comment on yours. I have zero judgment toward your situation and respect the choices you make for yourself.)

That's a very adult and mature (and perhaps sterile) way to view things, but aren't you inviting - even encouraging - the opportunity to find a better match by opening the relationship?


By definition, aren't you both already saying that you don't fully want to be with each other by opening the relationship?

*More than ironic that I am posing these questions to you given my own situation. Feel free to tell me "fuck off".

 

[buzzrider7]

Thanks for the advice. I do like this idea, but we have different types and we also attract different types of guys, so this does not seem very practical to actually make happen.

well i would suggest to play together as a couple before your play alone. start at the shallow end of the pool.

 

[buzzrider7]

Just to clarify, my original post was not asking whether or not I should proceed with having an open relationship. We are solid and comfortable with that decision. My request is for advice from anybody who has gone through this transition about any potential pitfalls to avoid (such as being careful not to get too attached emotionally to somebody, for example which was suggested above). Thanks!!