NEWS: Dicks on the chopping block.

Discussion in 'Fictitious Stories' started by keycock, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. keycock

    Verified Gold Member

    Dec 19, 2010
    Likes Received:
    United States
    Members of Congress Withdraw
    Support of Inspections

    WASHINGTON – Confronted by a deficit of nearly $14 trillion, lawmakers are considering eliminating the Office of Federal Dick Inspector. “The OFDI has served our citizens with distinction. I've had to call on their services numerous times,” said a congressional aide, who asked not to be named because of the delicacy of the matter. “But we feel that this is a function that our great nation can no longer afford.”

    The position of Federal Dick Inspector dates back to 1899, during the administration of President William McKinley. “We are about to depart the 'teen centuries,” explained the 25th president when he signed the enabling legislation. “I think the world and our great nation is now old enough to know about the recorded length, girth, hirsuteness, general appearance and preparedness of our men.” McKinley and Secretary of War Elihu Root were among the first to be inspected, after which Abel Septimum, the original Federal Dick Inspector, departed on an extended nationwide inspection tour of men's rooms, bathhouses, gymnasia, military installations and dark alleys.

    “Septimum's documentation is staggering,” remarked Norton Braggavi, the present Federal Dick Inspector. “He spent nearly twenty years in the lavatory and the laboratory. He looked at and categorized millions of dicks, cocks, penises, schlongs, wee-wees and male genitalia. Sometimes he had only seconds to take it in. All that we know today – for instance, what's the maximum and average size of the youknowwhat – is built on Septimum's potty-peeking.” During the Second World War the work of the OFDI was mostly carried out by army and navy nurses. In 1953 it was absorbed into the Department of Health, Education and Welfare, now Health and Human Services.

    “I have a very small staff,” lamented Mr. Braggavi. “Our travel budget is already miniscule, but fortunately for this great nation we can now do much of our observation via the Internet. It's not always the best way, but for the moment we're sticking it out.”

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