Nice guys

[sasquatch]

Okay, so what's wrong with this picture:

I'm a genuine, honest and caring guy and get told that I'm "too nice" all of the time by my female friends. I've only had one serious girlfriend and not had sexual intercourse in a couple of years. I just can't seem to bring myself to act the arrogant guy that I'm not which seems to attract women.

I know there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance but I just can't seem to find it.

 

[chicagosam]

Okay, so what's wrong with this picture:

I'm a genuine, honest and caring guy and get told that I'm "too nice" all of the time by my female friends. I've only had one serious girlfriend and not had sexual intercourse in a couple of years. I just can't seem to bring myself to act the arrogant guy that I'm not which seems to attract women.

I know there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance but I just can't seem to find it.

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy and a gentlemen. It's their problem, not yours.

 

[deleted26151]

From my experience women think/know nice guys are better but since when have women, in general, ever acted on what they know to be best. Sexist I know, but theres no denying women always pick the shit then go crying weeks later that he cheated on me or sumthing like that.

Yes Im bitter, its happened to me so many times with so many different girls - sometimes I wish I was gay! but god help me I love BOOBIES too much.

Continue being urself and hang on for that rare girl that doesnt like shitheads

 

[ArtfulDominant]

Okay, so what's wrong with this picture:
I'm a genuine, honest and caring guy and get told that I'm "too nice" all of the time by my female friends. I've only had one serious girlfriend and not had sexual intercourse in a couple of years. I just can't seem to bring myself to act the arrogant guy that I'm not which seems to attract women. I know there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance but I just can't seem to find it.

get told that I'm "too nice" all of the time by my female friends
just can't seem to bring myself to act the arrogant guy that I'm not.

OK The green highlighted statement tells us that you don't want to play at being a jerk -- you want to be your own man.
However, the red highlighted statement indicates that at least some of your female friends see you as somewhat wishy-washy. Now "too nice" is hardly a scientific term and will not mean exactly the same thing to all women. But here's what many of these women may be trying to tell you:
"Sasquatch: you seem overly concerned about what I like and want to do and I know you will go out of your way to accomodate my every desire,
but you seem reticent to speak up about what YOU like and want to do."

So, you may not be showing them very clearly what YOU'RE about, which not only doesn't give them much to be attracted to, but may also suggest to them that you lack the confidence to be yourself. So, you don't want to be an asshole -- all well and good, but neither do you want to be an ass kisser.

Be aware of what you're interested in and what you consider your strong points. Now -- is there a way that you can honestly get that message across in an interesting way? Being slightly outrageous and tempering that with self-deprecating humour is one approach. If you start to get responses and unsolicited approaches that you're intriguing, then you're on the right track. IMHO, that's a far more effective approach than acting like an arrogant bulldozer with no substance. Just be yourself, in as interesting a way as possible, and try not to worry unduly about making a fool of yourself (and you will sometimes -- laugh it off). Whatever type you are -- you won't be every woman's type. You don't want to be. You want a woman to be attracted to you for what you are -- not what you could do for her in some bland way. When she's drawn towards you, THEN find out what she likes etc (using your "genuine nice guy" qualities). And if she's not your type -- move on until you've got a good match.

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

Don't be afraid to go after what you want. Women like that. They may interpret your "niceness" as a lack of confidence, which is one of the most important things if you are looking to have sex. They'll see you as a big pussy if you are too nice, don't stand up for yourself, and are too quick to accommodate. This is not attractive. A lot of women appreciate a guy who is courteous and sensitive and thoughtful, but as to what gets their nethers-all-a-tingle many of them just want a guy who takes control. If you are overly complimentary, this can also work to your disadvantage. Sure, they will think you are sweet, but they'll also start thinking that you are beneath them if you always put them up on some pedastel. Finally, if you're only interested in sex, and want to find women who are only interested in sex, being too nice is extremely counterproductive because they will start thinking of you as a good buddy and then not want to have sex because they'll feel this somehow spoils the friendship, if they even think of you in sexual terms at all.

Don't be afraid to go after what you want. If you take one thing out of the above paragraph, let it be that. You don't have to be a total asshole about it (though sometimes this seems to help)... just be assertive, be confident, and take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you.*






*not an endorsement of date rape

 

[PussyWellington]

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy and a gentlemen. It's their problem, not yours.

You're right Sam, it is their problem. If you are not accustomed to being treated with respect, kindness and manners then the "nice guy" becomes a bit of a freak. There is probably some immaturity mixed in also. But, like attracts like so......

Manners will never go out of style in my book.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

But here's what many of these women may be trying to tell you:
"Sasquatch: you seem overly concerned about what I like and want to do and I know you will go out of your way to accomodate my every desire, but you seem reticent to speak up about what YOU like and want to do."

Amen to that! Women want to be wanted! (Hell, who doesn't?) and if a guy is too "nice," the way it comes off to me is that he doesn't want me enough. If he has to ask permission for every little thing he does, then he's not man enough to deal with me (I can be quite a handful)...

I read a quote recently in an erotic romance novel (BTW I am proud that I read these for entertainment, and would recommend them to any and all horny, romantic people):wink: that resonated with me...here it is...

"He needed to know that she craved him too. There was also something darker. An emotion that was based in the hint of her nature...the reason was simple. There was a part of her that was unwilling to spread her thighs for a man who didn't demand it of her*...Aye, he liked Charity just the way she was and it was going to be his personal pleasure to prove to her that he was man enough to take her."

from Desperate Longings​

*NOT an endorsement of date rape.

I think many younger, less mature women confuse assholes with confident guys who know how to express their wants and needs. Unfortunately, these are two completely different types of people, and it takes a bit of discernment to tell the difference. An asshole's expression of his wants and needs is rooted in insecurity...whereas a confident man's expression of his wants and needs is rooted in the ultimate security.

My ideal is a kind, confident man who can behave in a civilized manner outside the bedroom (or living room, or kitchen, or...you know what I mean...) but who can become a complete savage when it comes to showing me he wants me.

And I don't want a playactor. I don't want someone to pretend to be aggressive just to please me. I want someone who really knows he wants me, and is confident enough in his own desires to take what he wants.

So, you may not be showing them very clearly what YOU'RE about, which not only doesn't give them much to be attracted to, but may also suggest to them that you lack the confidence to be yourself. So, you don't want to be an asshole -- all well and good, but neither do you want to be an ass kisser.

Well said. Both assholes and ass kissers make me go ... *yawn* ...one is as bad as the other, IMO.

A lot of women appreciate a guy who is courteous and sensitive and thoughtful, but as to what gets their nethers-all-a-tingle many of them just want a guy who takes control.

THANK you! Geez...if more men realized this...they could have our nethers all-a-tingle instantly! (and thanks for that delightful turn of phrase, NIC...)

But I can understand why you guys are confused...we demand respectful, polite, equal treatment in so many situations that we've pushed a lot of men too far into the other direction.

You can be pussy-whipped :wink: , but for God's sake, don't be a pussy!

I, for one, am beyond tired of taking control. Not all women are as extreme as I am about this. I think it depends on each woman's experiences and feelings. But the statements Artful and NIC have made are very, very insightful, IMHO.

 

[Biggie77]

HollyBlue, excellent breakdown of the subject. You elucidated many points that I knew but never formed that well in my head. I've always felt that blatant honesty is the way to go. It is sometimes painful (deal with it), but necessary. Many men feel it necessary to feel out a woman to see how to "attack". If they would just go into it with even a mild bit of confidence and stop worrying so damn much about what she is thinking second-to-second, they would be better off. By controlling yourself, the woman will not feel the need to take control for you.

 

[Falcon9]

Re: the fine line between confidence and arrogance:

be careful though... too much of anything can be trouble... the more confidence you build up in yourself the more you might start asking for what you want (or what you think you want!) and in my case I ended up at one time with a gf and bf at the same time... (not good, but I learned a lot from that experience) So, not to confuse the issue, but as others have pointed out above, best to just be yourself... being happy in your own skin is the best way to approach anything. Comparing yourself to others is a no-win game... you end up either feeling superior (can lead to trouble) or feel inferior and somehow a victim of the situation (it's a way of beating yourself up and also can lead to nowhere.) Not enough can be said for having patience, and being accepting of where you are at any point in your life. Friends think I am pretty optimistic but what purpose does any excess self-doubt serve? Many woman (and men too for that matter) like to have a man who seems to know what he is doing do what he seems to know... to them! Give it a try! And ALSO be your caring genuine self.

 

[SassySpy]

Sometimes, yes- its the womans baggage, something she brings to every relationship. Sometimes she is still trying to heal old wounds, or prove herself as unworthy of a really nice guy as she may subconsciously believe.
And Sometimes, the guy can't quite grasp the fine line between being decisive and confident, and 'controlling' Cos it does make a difference, and if he is 'wishy washy' he may tend to use control and/or arrogance as a substitute, usually with negative results.
Ive been there- had that- and know the difference. Nice guys are top of my lists of wants, but he also must not let me call all the shots. And thats where a man's self confidence (or lack of) is most likely to show up.

 

[LeeEJ]

This is retarded.

 

[Belly_Dancer]

This is retarded.

You obviously have some kind of issues surrounding this topic. Do share! This is a support group.

"This is retarded," is so vague. If you're going to say something is retarded, at least have the mental acuity to move beyond that one simple sentence and tell us why.

"This is retarded, because....etc. etc. etc." would have been a much more interesting, and perhaps informative, post to read.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

It really is an unfortant myth that nice guys finish last.

As any woman and she will probably say she wants the rebel, exciting guy but at the end of the day we ladies know who we want and can rely on.

It just may not be your turn yet..but dont give up hope, a beautiful sweet ladies is out there right now looking for you

 

[Snakebyte]

welcome me in the club of "guys being too nice"
hell, I know what I want but I also fuckin care a lot about the girl's wishes etc. Then it always is "you're too nice".
Man, ok, next time I'll just be an arse and decide everything for her if that's the way she wants it...
nvm, I am just a bit frustrated at the moment.

 

[ArtfulDominant]

Read my entire post Snakebyte. I'm a Nice Guy. I figured out two things.
( it took a long time). Stop trying to think you can be attractive to every woman. (whether by being the nice guy you are or by play-acting at being a callous bastard) In other words if there's 1,000 women and only three are your type, figure out how you can be seen as attractive, for the person you really are to them. Second, unequivocably state what it is that you want. (Don't be vague). You have to do the latter with gusto -- be a bit outrageous if necessary, and if you can do it with a little panache, you'll eventiually start to have fun with it (and so will they).
Trust me: It works. Not with every woman -- in fact not with a high percentage of them -- but with the ones that it does work with? It really works -- and they're usually the ones you'd most want to meet.
And, I used to think exactly like you. Figure out what your most attractive points are and ask yourself what you really want and stop
worrying what "they" want. You'll start getting feedback like: "I like a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go after it" You don't have to change from being a nice guy into being a prick. But you do have to be confident and sure of yourself -- and it is a learning process to behave in that way for some of us.

welcome me in the club of "guys being too nice"
hell, I know what I want but I also fuckin care a lot about the girl's wishes etc. Then it always is "you're too nice".
Man, ok, next time I'll just be an arse and decide everything for her if that's the way she wants it...
nvm, I am just a bit frustrated at the moment.

 

[Dorset]

I'm sorry but nice guys do not finish last! This is a myth made up by weak minded men to make themselves feel better and give them another excuse not to grow a spine.
I'm also sorry if saying that makes me appear to be one of the "arrogent guys" you're talking about that get all the women but have you ever thought that a lot of these guys aren't actually arrogent at all and you're just jealous?

Obviously there are some idiots that get great women because sometimes it's hard for a women to tell the difference between a twat and a confident man but you can be sure once she spots the twatishness she'll leave him.

In short, if you want to get a woman give up on looking! Once you're just happy being you and living on your own in complete independence then you'll become a far more attractive proposition. Women like to chase as well as be chased.

I think one of the things my partner like most about me is that I really don't need her for anything other than her company, I have no other demands of her, she knows I'm only with her through love and not because I just don't want to be single (like an awful number of couples)

 

[SassySpy]

This is retarded.

yes please, as HollyBlue so aptly noted- do define 'retarded'- it has a number of different meanings, and I'd like to be sure I understand what you mean. Perhaps had you elaborated, I'd know if you had a knowledge basis for your comment.

 

[Black&Strong]

nice guys always finish last, at least i do,lol, girls like a guy with a little jerkface in him, a little asswhole in him, not to much though,lol

 

[LeeEJ]

I've only got a few minutes, but hopefully I can sum this up --

So guys are expected to "be themselves", and "know what they want & go get it".

That kind of advice is ALWAYS followed up with "they need to do this, do that, not do this, and don't forget about being like this, and do that, and be like this... ..... BLAH BLAH BLAH..."

That is what is so stupid. You end up with guys who, once again, don't know what the hell to do because so many things are expected of them.

Fuck that. A woman can like me or not. I haven't given a shit in a long time, and my own stress levels have dropped correspondingly. Sure, I haven't fucked two dozen "chicks" in my time, but I don't care. The few that I've been close to have been great friends to be with outside the bedroom, and I'm satisfied with that.

"Nice guys finish last" is often true, IMO; but so is the phrase, "nice guys finish BEST".

PS: Guys (or anyone), when you see or hear someone else begin saying, "My ideal...", ignore whatever is said next. Why should anyone else worry about whether or not they're somebody's "ideal" anything? Either you already are, or you're not. If you try to become that "ideal", you won't be like yourself.

 

[sasquatch]

Okay, thanks guys - was just a little fed up at being surrounded by the commercial Valentines day trash and was just venting after a couple of beers.

I'm in no rush to find just anybody - "that that's for you won't go by you" and all that jazz.

I'm by no means wishy-washy, I just think that manners are important - they cost nothing too. Little things like giving my seat up for old people on public transport, helping women with prams and generally just not being an arse make me feel good about myself and I'd like to think makes the World that bit nicer too.