No orgasm during sex for me

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by B_Mademoiselle Rouge, Jun 20, 2010.

  1. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Note, i'm referring to a clitoral orgasm during sex. It's the only way i know to feel an orgasm. I have a million clock hours of sex behind me in my 30 years, it's not happened involuntarily in my life during sex or otherwise. I don't expect it to happen in the future. If it does, sure i'll take it. But i'm not going to be working for one anytime soon during intercourse.

    Let me tell you why...

    It hurts to have a girthy cock inside of you when you have a small vagina. Not only does it take a lot to get past initial entry pain, but you don't want to jeopardize the goodness you have once the pain has subsided. When a woman is trying to orgasm, she tightens up her vaginal (PC or Kegel muscles) in order to build up muscle tension in the area to allow for a release with the orgasm.

    Orgasm requires muscle energy, the muscle energy comes from tightening up. If you are filled to the max already tightening up these muscles is painful. I require my husband to stay completely still and not move at all while im stimulating my clitoris because the penis will literally pull my urethra (which is right up against the vaginal opening for me) and then the urethra will bruise up and trying to urinate after sex becomes almost impossible. Then i end up with a bladder infection from the bacteria being caught in the urethra.

    I wish i could enjoy orgasms like this during sex like other women do. But my anatomy and his anatomy make it so difficult that i'd rather just enjoy them outside of intercourse. Most of the time intercourse gets me so turned on that i will desire my orgasms after sex. They are much more intense that way.

    Sometimes i don't want an orgasm at all. This is very hard for men to understand because sex is designed for a man to orgasm. For women, most of us don't naturally orgasm from internal stimulation only. Regardless what the numbers say, many female sex therapists, physicians and other women will tell you the number is more like 80% of women need more than just intercourse to get off. This shouldnt be surprising because the clitoris glans is on the outside of the vagina.

    Why would I feel satisfied without a clitoral orgasm during sex?

    Because i discovered my orgasms when i was 14 years old and i came to rely on them as a form of going to sleep, getting rid of a migraine, having alone time, being in my bedroom alone for hours on end without interruption. It became a quiet, personal time for myself. For many years before anyone else was able to give me an orgasm. My husband is the only one who has been able to. And while i enjoy them with him at times, there are times where it is my time with myself. I see intercourse and sex as an entirely different experience that i am incapable of duplicating alone. So my satisfaction with the other person and the intimacy i can only get with him is enough most days that i don't need an orgasm to feel a completeness between us.

    I hope this helps some guys understand why some women aren't keen on the idea and really don't mind not having an orgasm during sex. I don't feel like i'm missing out on much because if i want an orgasm, i just ask him to give it to me and he always does. I am very thankful my husband is secure and doesn't feel the need to make my orgasms about him or his cock.

    I know Dolfette will be able to relate to a lot of this and maybe can share a little more about her own feelings so we can have another story to add to the reasoning.
     
  2. HiddenLacey

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    Interesting read M. Rouge! One more post that proves all women are completely different and unique as far as our bodies and our ability to orgasm. NOTHING feels better to me than to orgasm with my partner inside of me thrusting through my orgasm. It is a very intense experience for me, that can bring tears to my eyes because it feels so good. It is something that I can never replicate on my own no matter how many ways I have tried. My ability to stimulate my clitoris and thrust with a toy always ends up with me holding the toy still and just rubbing my clit through orgasm.

    I am glad that I can cum during sex with out directly stimulating my clit with my hands. And that I have never been with someone that caused me so much discomfort I needed him to be still while I came.

    I am assuming by your post that none of your previous partners were able to bring you to orgasm?

    At this point in my life, I'm going to bring myself to orgasm no matter what the male thinks at the time. I definitely have every intention of cumming each and everytime I have sex.
     
    #2 HiddenLacey, Jun 20, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2010
  3. Gecko4lif

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    I am slightly saddened after reading this.
     
  4. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    It wasn't supposed to make people sad. I don't understand why explaining something that I am completely 100% ok with bothers other people. This is making the female orgasm all about YOU and not the person who is experiencing them.

    I can have several dozen orgasms easily in the time it would take to watch a 30 minute show. If i can do this anytime i want, why would it be intensely special to have a couple with someone else everytime you got naked with them? My orgasms are abundant, im not missing out on pleasure whenever *I* want to have it.

    Personally i think the pleasure from sex alone is intense and unique that i've always prefered it over the feelings i have anytime i want to when im alone. I can have 50 of them in a night when a guy can't have that many in a month. They just aren't that special to me.
     
  5. Embrace69

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    You know, that's a great read. Explains a lot of what you've been repeating about your orgasms in different threads MR.

    I'm glad that you are ok with it and that it's something that doesn't bother you because if it were me in your shoes, I'd be fucking irritated as hell with it.

    I realize we are all different, but I can't imagine not having an orgasm with my bf comfortably (by that I mean telling him to remain still while I get off while he's inside me) If that ever happened, I think I'd prefer just sex to orgasm too. I'd get myself off later but it's still hard for me to imagine having a healthy sex life with my partner if he couldn't make me have an orgasm on a regular basis.

    I do agree with you that orgasms are different. At least for me they are completely different than when I have them with my bf. The ones I have on my own are completely clitoral. I don't think I've ever gotten myself off with penetration. When I am with my bf, it's completely different and more intense, it can be clitoral, it can be vaginal or a combination of both and to me my orgasms with him feel much better than when I'm by myself. For those reasons, my orgasms with my S/O are always special. I'd much rather him give them to me than me giving them to myself.
     
    #5 Embrace69, Jun 20, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2010
  6. Gecko4lif

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    I can say it was most definitely educational. And 50 in a night? Really? Im pretty sure my penis would stop functioning at that point. Actually after 9 one time it became in essence useless so im gonna say 50 would be a ritual form of self castration.
     
  7. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Yeah if i had to be limited to one orgasm or two like a guy, i'd probably place a bigger emphasis on it. But i enjoy the whole experience of sex without trying so hard to orgasm. Sometimes im in the mood, sometimes im not.

    It's like going to get icecream with friends 3 times a week. Icecream is good when it sounds good but i can sit and enjoy someone else having icecream and myself having a soda. I don't have to participate in the same enjoyment that other people want to have if i dont want to put th effort into it.

    Most times i bring myself to orgasm several times and then wake him up in the middle of the night for sex. It works better on my schedule and he likes it too. It enables him to get a little sleep when he has to get up early before waking him up and then he can go back to sleep.

    I know it's terrible for some people to imagine. But i'm not unhappy or disappointed with how it all works. It is what it is. I don't try to fight it or else i would be in the same boat as millions of women in the world who think there is something wrong with them. I believe nature designed most women with clitoral nerves on the outside for a reason. So she could bring herself to orgasm even if she wasnt with a guy. She could get the same pleasure as a guy could by self stimulation.

    Like i said, i have probably 50 of them a month on average, i dont really feel like im missing out on anything. I've always enjoyed the sensation of sex before i knew what an orgasm was. It feels good. It just doesnt feel like an orgasm.

    It's more sad for men to realize the whole female anatomy and they obviously take pleasure in being able to use their dick to make you cum. But they are fooling themselves if they believe all women function like the women who orgasm from sex on this board. Strangely, im in the majority of women as much as Dolfette and I are often considered weirdo outsiders. We aren't. We actually accept the way we are built and have learned to not fight it or feel inadequate for it.
     
  8. D_Tim McGnaw

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    Such an interesting thread MR. Important stuff to talk about. I mean it doesn't effect me a whole lot, but I do have plenty of female friends and I know one or two of them who've discussed being in a similar position to you, and at least one of them really did wonder if she should see a doctor about it. I reminded her that there are plenty of guys who can't come during penetrative sex (despite loving to fuck) who have perfectly fulfilling sex lives and not to worry about it too much.
     
  9. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Hilaire, there are a lot of guys around here who can't orgasm from oral sex or penetrative sex and they don't complain about feeling sad or unfulfilled about it. I think they could understand us completely.

    Doctors and therapists get asked all the time "What is wrong with me??" and there is nothing wrong with them. Men are designed to, for the most part really, to be able to orgasm from sex. But women aren't necessarily put together that way. I wouldn't have designed the clitoris to be on the outside of the body if i wanted women to have an orgasm from sex alone. It makes no sense so many people expect it to happen with such little effort and just merely relentlessly pounding away at the woman until she does.

    This sort of thinking is why women fake. They fake orgasms as much as guys fake their size or stories to impress women. We don't want to seem faulty or broken either. But we really arent, we are normal. It just doesn't fit the criteria of a penis-centric female orgasm. Lesbians really understand this reality and how the penis has very little to do with female orgasm. But it does have a lot to do with female pleasure for most, just doesn't result in the same ending as it does for men.
     
  10. D_Wally Walnuts

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    I wonder how many couples have open discussions like this.
     
  11. D_Tim McGnaw

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    It's probably also why so many men get fixated on the more penis-centric phenomena of squirting (myth or not) and g-spot stimulation.
     
  12. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    I have to stop and think as if i were a man, i would want my penis to be the reason for my gal's orgasm too. It only seems natural. But understanding female anatomy, it isn't really logical. I have to wonder if the 10-20% of female population who are orgasming from sex alone are actually abnormal in their nerve structures. When you consider the orgasm importance to males and to our current female generation by the magazines and books you see on the shelves....it seems to be more obvious than ever before that most women don't orgasm from sex but are just embarassed to admit they can't. They fake because they feel so horrible about not functioning the way everyone expects them to.

    Faked orgasms are in abundance in porn for a reason, there is no way most of the time the kind of sex that is going on is going to render the female an orgasm. Women will admit this when they see it but its just too much for the male ego to handle. Women fake for the man's sake and for his ego. She doesn't want him to feel like a failure for her own body and how it is made. She feels horrible and asks her gynecologist, read the magazines in the aisle at the grocery store about that "magic position or love button or something she must be missing out on" or goes to the bookstore and is tempted to buy books that will help her understand what she must be doing wrong.

    I think a lot of men mean well and they really want to be a pleaser, but admitting that it might not ever happen or isnt possible physically for her would just make them lose the desire to keep trying to please her.

    My husband is a very realistic person when it comes down to the whole thing. He waits for me to ask because far too many times i might not have been able to do it even the conventional ways because we don't have time, energy or i just simply don't want to be exerted to that degree. We don't have to talk about it anymore, but he never feels like his dick isnt important to me. I wouldn't be approaching him all the time if it wasnt awesome.

    And Hilaire, i've always said that squirting is a male created phenomena in porn these days. We take these ideas from porn and think all women are built that way, or most of them. Men want physical proof of orgasm, it doesn't matter what it is. It's confusing to know when or if it happened. I just tell him when it did whether he knows it or not.
     
  13. dolfette

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    good thread!
    and you're right. i do want to agree and add.

    orgasm releases hormones. every woman reacts differently to hormones, which is why there are so many types of birth control.
    orgasm hormones give me nausea. essentially it's like morning sickness.
    if i'm alone, still and about to go to sleep this is ok.
    if i'm trying to enjoy sex then this is fucking irritating, a complete turn off and something i'm NOT going to put myself through just to stroke your ego.

    i do however get a big thrill from faking!
    i get a buzz from the thrashing, clenching and noise making.
    i'm honest. i tell guys at the start of relationships that i never orgasm but frequently fake for my own pleasure.
    any self delusion that follows is not my fault.

    ...this is the bit where some idiot comes in with ''your only cheating yourself blah blah blah''
    i'm not. i don't want to help a guy figure out my orgasms because i really don't want one.

    i still have great sex. kinky, wild sex.
    i'm not, as some idiots will assume, just a bit of a prude and scared of my body. no, i just know my body and i'm not going to dedicate my sex life to living within your expectations.

    i'm doing what feels good to me.
     
    #13 dolfette, Jun 21, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  14. dolfette

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    oi! :tongue:
     
  15. Chaotica

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    I think that 10-20% population are normal, not abnormal. But I also think that the remaining 80-90% isn't necessarily abnormal by default. They are also normal, just different.

    You have said that your hood is very tight, do you think that may interfere with stimulation? What if you & your husband tried the Coital Alignment Technique so that he was inside, but completely still, and you had pillows beneath you and ground your clit against his pelvis?
     
  16. ManlyBanisters

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    She's not looking for advice on how to change the way things are.

    And I know Red from her posts well enough to know that Coital Alignment Technique would just be a big, fat UTI waiting to happen. And, if she hasn't tried it already, I don't think she should.
     
  17. dolfette

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    indeed. that's kinda the whole point of the thread.
     
  18. petite

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    As one of the women who almost always orgasms from vaginal intercourse, this is interesting to me.

    I feel disappointed if I don't orgasm from sex. The only exception is with a quickie. If I know ahead of time that I probably won't because this is just an amuse bouche, then I just enjoy the fun of intercourse, so I think I might understand a little of what Mlle. Rouge and Dolfette are talking about.

    The one time I lost my ability orgasm, it drove me crazy. My doctor put me on a SSRI, and it affected my ability to orgasm. At first, it just made it a lot more difficult for me to orgasm, and then one day, it just wasn't going to happen. I still felt desire for sex and there was no change in my nerves, but the SSRI prevented my brain from being able to build up dopamine, which prevented me from achieving an orgasm. I would reach a certain level and then I would just plateau. No amount of sex or masturbation would take me over the edge. I masturbated until I was sore. Nothing ever happened. I wished that if my orgasms were going to disappear that my sex drive would, too. When I desire sex and I don't orgasm, it makes me feel tense and short-tempered. It makes me feel bad. The day that my orgasm finally disappeared, I immediately decided to stop the SSRI, but it took a while to ween myself off of it, and I think it was 6 weeks before my orgasm returned. It drove me nuts.

    I can't imagine my life without any orgasms at all. That's just not the way I was built. If I didn't orgasm during intercourse, I think I would feel like it wasn't as enjoyable, but it's not very difficult for me. I would probably feel differently if I was built differently, or if I felt bad afterward, like Dolfette. I also wouldn't want a lover to keep trying if it just wasn't going to happen. When I was younger*, I would fake an orgasm if I knew I just wasn't going to orgasm so that my partner stopped trying, so I think I understand how they feel about that.

    *I don't do that now with TheBF because I don't need to. I'm completely honest with him about my orgasms.
     
    #18 petite, Jun 21, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  19. dolfette

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    it's not just the nausea though.
    orgasms themselves, even really powerful ones, just aren't all that exciting to me.

    i get super excited about eating peri peri chicken. i mmmm and ahhhh and grin like a cheshire cat...but i don't assume that because i do everyone else must.

    as a sensation orgasms just ain't all that. there are lots of other sensations that feel better!

    ...this is usually where some imbecile tells me i must never have had an orgasm, that i just think i have. :rolleyes:
     
  20. GogMegog

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    I like this signature.
     
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