No Sex = Never Together

[bigman79]

This is a question that only girls who have had relationships in which sex didn't occur could probably only answer.

I went out with a girl my senior year of high school (2006-7) for close to a year. She is a year younger then me so she was a junior at the time. We were both virgins at the time and she basically had no experience at all, in fact she only had her first kiss like 2 months before we started dating. We never had sex, or oral, basically just did hand jobs and fingering throughout the entire relationship. She was afraid of getting pregnant and always joked around that she would end up being a nun. We broke up close to the end of my senior year. A couple months later she gets a new boyfriend and has sex with him within like three months of them being together.

Flash forward to last spring (2009) and she has now had numerous sexual partners however still has only had two boyfriends (me and the other guy). One night I was hanging out with her, a friend she brought home from school and a mutual friend of ours. Our mutual friend asked my ex's friend if she knew if me and my ex used to be boyfriend/girlfriend and she said no. Her friend asked my ex and my ex totally denied the fact that we went out for almost a year. I was pretty upset with this for the obvious reasons. She had been drinking that night so I didn't know if that was a reason why she denied that we had been together, if she was just being a smart ass, or if she was truly like ashamed at the fact we once were together. We have continued to be really good friends even after we broke up, in fact I am basically what most people call a security blanket for her, when she needs help/advice I am the one that gets the call.

So my question to girls is, once you've had sex with your first guy/boyfriend do you basically consider those previous relationships that you didn't have sex with as non existent since you never had sex? Or does it not matter whether or not you had sex with him and will still consider him your former boyfriend. Its been over a year since the time she denied we were together but it still “stings” since we continue to talk and hangout.

 

[petite]

I'd talk to her about it, because I would definitely consider you an ex-boyfriend.

Is there another explanation? For example, is she dating someone jealous and doesn't want him to have a problem with the two of you being friends so she's fibbing?

 

[B_curiousme01]

Maybe she has always seen you as just a friend? And I have noticed that many drunk people say really stupid things in general. Their brain is not functioning properly.

 

[DavidXL]

. . . . We have continued to be really good friends even after we broke up, in fact I am basically what most people call a security blanket for her, when she needs help/advice I am the one that gets the call. . . . .

Its been over a year since the time she denied we were together but it still “stings” since we continue to talk and hangout.

You didn't ask for advice on this, but coming from someone who has been practicallly a professional security blanket, maybe it's not the healthiest for you to continue to be friends with this ex. It sounds like you might still have some feelings for her, otherwise it probably wouldn't sting. It can be confusing when someone wants to have the type of intimacy she gets from you when no longer have a physically intimate relationship. (And, FWIW, I consider her to be an ex. Not having had intercourse doesn't matter with the definition of an ex).

 

[bigman79]

Is there another explanation? For example, is she dating someone jealous and doesn't want him to have a problem with the two of you being friends so she's fibbing?

At the time this occured she was single. Even when she was with her boyfriend she would still hangout with me behind his back, in fact she actually asked me to a school dance even though she was with him. He eventually found out and dumped her because he said she was still in love with me. But there a couple that seems to have broken up more then they have been together.

But to answer your question, she was single at the time she said this.

 

[D_Neeson Niceone]

Honestly I'd cut her out of your life and move on. You don't need people that conflicting in your life.

 

[_Jonesy]

Since when were relationships based around sex? Personality and chemistry. Sex doesn't dictate love in my opinion. But it certainly intensifies emotions.

On that train of thought. I don't know the ins and outs, but perhaps you wouldn't have broken up, or at least not as quickly, if you had lost your virginities to each other?

 

[bigman79]

On that train of thought. I don't know the ins and outs, but perhaps you wouldn't have broken up, or at least not as quickly, if you had lost your virginities to each other?

Ya good point. The guy she lost her virginity to (the boyfriend after me) has also stayed in her life ever since they were together. They were always on again and off again throughout their relationship (with me and her we never had an “interruption”). It’s been about two years since they were really together but yet they still hookup occasionally and party together and all that. I think the reason she still hooks up with him is because he was the one who “took” her virginity because their relationship had a lot of problems and I honestly cant see another reason why she would still want to be in contact with him.

Whereas with me she has always stayed in my life, even when they were together. It just seems like between me and her it’s more of a dinner and hangout with some mutual friend’s relationship whereas with her other ex it’s a sexual and partying relationship.

 

[_Jonesy]

Thats the sad thing for me, I'll never get that. But it is a double-edged sword. In one sense, you'll never forget that one person, it was too special. So for a girl, there could potentially always be two guys in her life, which is heartbreaking for the guy she'll marry in a sense because he will want to be the only one.

It only really works out for people who lose their virginities to each other at a mature age, and get married. I don't know many couples like that that ever split up. End up happily married until the day they die. It's like a strong underlying connection.

They had things right a century ago didnt they.

 

[helgaleena]

Sex happens. Friendships ought to be more precious. This gal is not valuing you to put you in a lesser category than some male who flipped her toggles the first time.

It's also true that good and satisfying sex is one of the most profound experiences one can have, but in such cases the rest of a person's life gets rearranged to facilitate more of it. She is no longer with these sexual partners because frankly the sex was not that wonderful, only concavity and convexity, wham bam.

Get a woman in your life who does not disrespect your importance as a friend, and with whom you might actually have the sex of a lifetime. Don't hold this shallow one so close.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I don't tend to consider my early relationships when I talk about ex's, but I don't think it has anything to do with sex. It's more because later relationships were very serious (eg. considering marriage), whereas earlier relationships were more like friendships with kissing.

If asked outright though, as your ex was, I would probably have said 'We went out for a while back in high school', or something similar.

 

[bigman79]

I don't tend to consider my early relationships when I talk about ex's, but I don't think it has anything to do with sex. It's more because later relationships were very serious (eg. considering marriage), whereas earlier relationships were more like friendships with kissing.

If asked outright though, as your ex was, I would probably have said 'We went out for a while back in high school', or something similar.

I know what your saying but I think the difference is that she has only had two boyfriends her entire life. And when the denying of our relationship happened it was only two years after we broke up. At the time this whole denying happened she was 19 and I was 20, it's not as if we are in our 30's and denying a relationship that happened back in high school.

I think most people have had the "relationship" with somebody in junior high or maybe even the early high school years where all you did was hug, kiss and hold hands. I definitely wouldn't consider that a "relationship". But when things start getting to a point of foreplay, being naked together, and being with someone for almost a year its hard for me to believe that it wasn't a "relationship".

 

[bigman79]

You didn't ask for advice on this, but coming from someone who has been practicallly a professional security blanket, maybe it's not the healthiest for you to continue to be friends with this ex. It sounds like you might still have some feelings for her, otherwise it probably wouldn't sting. It can be confusing when someone wants to have the type of intimacy she gets from you when no longer have a physically intimate relationship. (And, FWIW, I consider her to be an ex. Not having had intercourse doesn't matter with the definition of an ex).

Ya I know exactly what you mean. In the years since we have been apart I have been told that most guys would never do the things for an ex like the things I do, especially since how she treated me in the past. I am definitely not denying that I don’t have feelings for her. I hate being the security blanket, I’ve been in this role for over three years now, its amazing the things I have done for her, and all I get is a “thanks you’re the best”. There are things that I have done for her that I know some guys wouldn’t even do for their girlfriends. I think my big thing is that if she is still so close to her other ex who she still hooks up with, then why doesn’t she call him for the things she calls me for?

 

[helgaleena]

I think my big thing is that if she is still so close to her other ex who she still hooks up with, then why doesn’t she call him for the things she calls me for?

She knows you will do it. You are 'enabling' her to avoid having her sex partner do those things.

You are a very nice guy, but ask yourself: if she were a guy and you had never had sexual thoughts involved, would you still do your friend so many favors? If so, carry on being a wonderful paragon of friendship. If not, stop kidding yourself that you can buy her love in some sort of barter.