Not an ounce of jealousy, does jealousy equal caring?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by latinluva, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. latinluva

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    I've been with alot of people in my life, both men and women. And never once have I been jealous. Nor have I been angry at someone for rejecting me. As for rejection, not everyone is gonna think I'm sexy, that's just reality. But jealousy should be a part of everyones life...right? I never caught anyone cheating on me, though I am sure they have. If I ever walked in on someone cheating on me, I would sit and watch if they would let me. I already know this would happen because it would totally turn me on. I had a girlfriend and she said that she wanted to have a threesome with another guy and me. I told her that was sooo fucking hot and that I was totally interested. She got mad and we broke up. So does jealousy equal caring?
     
  2. hud01

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    Jealousy equals insecurity
     
  3. EagleCowboy

    EagleCowboy Well-Known Member

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    Exactly right.

    Jealousy doesn't show someone how much you love them. It shows how insecure you really are.
     
  4. dolfette

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    i'm like you. i just don't feel it.
     
  5. nick1014

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    Wow. I just don't see the jealousy thing as insecurity all the time. There are different kinds of relationships. If you're hooking up or casually dating, then yeah jealousy is probably mostly about insecurity or competitive feelings. If you're in a more committed relationship that has an expectation of some degree of fidelity or exclusivity, then jealousy can still be about insecurity, but it can also be about lack of trust. That can be deserved or undeserved. In an in your face situation like the one you describe, if I cared about the person, I can't imagine not feeling a little hurt whether I thought it was hot or not.

    I'm not sure jealousy should be a part of everyone's life, but it's a pretty damned natural part of the human condition and trying to minimize or illegitimize it probably doesn't get you very far. It can be very destructive, but it can also be a healthy emotion IMO.
     
  6. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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    I agree with this. I think jealousy can equal not only insecurity, but also caring. It just depends on the situation in which you're getting jealous.

    Say you're a happily married man or woman. Would you get jealous if your significant other wanted to bring a third party into the bedroom because you're insecure of the other person or because you care for your partner enough to be bothered by the thought of another person touching them? Keep in mind that not everyone is down for that kind of lifestyle where partner swapping or threesomes is no big deal to them. It takes a lot of understanding to get comfortable with that.

    I know for me that when I have gotten jealous, it's because part of me is insecure, but also because I care for my girl.
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    Normal and healthy are not the same thing. Nothing in your entire post supports your statement that jealousy can be a healthy emotion. Please show me the positive side of jealousy.
     
  8. dolfette

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    none of these things mean not feeling jealousy is unhealthy.
    some people are just wired differently.
     
  9. nick1014

    nick1014 New Member

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    Jealousy can be a pretty good warning sign that something's wrong... either that you are insecure or that your partner is untrustworthy. That's pretty important information to have. I'd call that healthy, but it requires a little introspection to keep in perspective.

    A little jealousy can be a sweet thing, too, and affirming in a way. It can reinforce for you that your feelings are real and can even make your partner feel good at times (if proportionate and good natured).

    I'm not saying jealousy can't go off the tracks really easily, but there's nothing fundamentally unhealthy about it in my view.
     
  10. AlteredEgo

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    You can't be insecure of another person. Jealousy, in my opinion, definitely springs from personal insecurity most often, or lack of faith in another person's commitment to honesty, or to oneself.

    In the described scenario, I wouldn't get jealous for either proposed reason. For me, group sex is on the wrong side of one of my boundaries. I don't want it. If it comes up, I'd want to reiterate that I enjoy monogamy, remain committed to it, and don't want to invite any further participants to our sex life. I'd ask questions about his needs and wants. I'd want to know if he has any idea why he's been thinking in this direction, and how necessary he feels it is to pursue. If we're no longer compatible, then so be it. Very few things can last forever, and to nothing is tomorrow promised. However, I feel no need to get jealous. I am very secure in myself, and I have nothing but the highest esteem, and deepest trust in him.

    As for the OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hate when people play games. I once had an ex who used to confuse jealousy for caring, or love, or something. When we broke up, he told me one of the reasons was that he felt I didn't really love him. He'd make up stories about going out with female friends, and instead of making a scene, I'd just wish him a good time, and make plans with friends as well. He had never seen anything like that before, and it made him feel unloved. Some people are just crazy, my dear.
     
  11. AlteredEgo

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    Thanks for getting back so quickly. I think I can understand you better now. I'm still not sure I agree, but I do see where you're coming from.

    I think the trouble I'm having with your perspective is that I've never personally witnessed any healthy jealousy. All of the jealousy in my life has come from insecurity or a lack of trust, which are intrinsically unhealthy. I would say that jealousy is a symptom of greater trouble. Kind of like how a sore throat is a symptom of a cold. Neither the cold, nor its symptoms are considered healthy.

    I also wonder how it can be healthy to require negative feelings to affirm ones positive ones. If one feels one's feelings, how can one wonder about their legitimacy? Also, why can't one just enjoy those feelings? Why would someone need doubt, uncertainty, fear, and prejudice to truly feel love? I ask about these, because these are more emotions I link to jealousy.
     
  12. nick1014

    nick1014 New Member

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    I agree. I don't think not feeling jealousy is necessarily unhealthy at all. Jealousy is all about expectations -- if you don't have any expectation of the sorts of things the frustration of which would cause jealousy, then there would be absolutely no reason to feel jealous. Most people want those things, but many people do not. Nothing wrong with that either way unless you're doing something that goes against your needs/desires.

    I guess the only place where I would see it as kind of odd not to feel jealousy would be if you actually had reasonable expectations of fidelity, exclusivity, monogamy, whatever, got disappointed, said "oh well" and didn't care. I wouldn't know what to make of that, other than perhaps you weren't being honest with yourself or maybe weren't really into the relationship to begin with. Human emotions are pretty complicated things, though, so who knows.
     
  13. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

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    You make a good point. I'm not saying jealousy is a good thing at all, but I don't think it always has to be bad either. I'll admit that I've always been insecure of myself, which I didn't start to get a hold of till a couple of years ago. But every now and then it can rear it's ugly head, albiet not near as fierce as it used to be. But I love my partner and I trust her, and I know she trusts me.
     
  14. AlteredEgo

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    Why are the only two possible responses jealousy, or not caring? I'm aware, and capable of other responses. These include, pain, disappointment, anger, depression, and possibly some others, but never jealousy.
     
  15. nick1014

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    The cold analogy is an interesting one. I think I might take it a step farther. You can think of the symptoms of a cold as being unhealthy, if you look at it from the outside as a whole. But consider different colds in different people with different immune systems.

    Take person A with a healty immune system that fights off the pathogen quickly and efficiently -- the symptoms are still present, but they are short lived, mild, and intrinsically healthful because they are part and parcel of the body making itself whole again. Now take person B with an unhealthy immune system who is incapacitated and bed ridden for two weeks with horrible symptoms and who takes a month to fully recover because her body is so depleted by the process. Her immune response could have been overactive or underactive, but the results are fairly similar.

    I think of jealousy (and most other emotions) like the immune responses to the colds in my expanded analogy. In the emotionally healthy person, the response is clean, efficient, and balanced. In the unhealthy person, the response is stunted or overdrawn and the imbalance leads to suffering.

    That brings me to the issue of positive and negative emotions. I guess I don't really see a meaningful distinction between the two. They are all part of us and serve a useful function. It's just how we work that our emotions interact with, reinforce and counteract each other. It's really quite difficult to be so cognitively clear about feelings to distinguish them on an individual, pure level. Love is always tinged with other things.

    That thrill in the pit of your stomach that you feel when you see your lover, what emotions is that made up of? Lots of them, but I'm willing to bet doubt, uncertainty and/or fear are there to some extent -- otherwise, it wouldn't feel like you're on a rollercoaster. Evolution has fucked us up pretty good, but I wouldn't trade that sensation for anything.
     
  16. nick1014

    nick1014 New Member

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    I didn't mean to imply those were the only two options, but I guess we're hitting the point where we need to define what we mean by jealousy. It's notoriously hard to define. Many people who study the subject would group the responses you've listed as alternatives and call that jealousy. :smile:
     
  17. earllogjam

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    I get jealous, yes I admit it.

    It probably does stem from my insecurity but insecurity is part of the human emotional landscape. I don't know anyone who doesen't have it. If you say you're not insecure you haven't done much growing and puting your vulnerable self out there IMHO.

    I think if you were deeply in love and your lover left you for another person and married and started a wonderful family with that person you would feel deeply hurt and infact, jealous or envious of that person after feeling betrayed and angry.

    And I do think it's wrapped up in caring and puting an emotional stake into your passions. It's part of being human. You can control your jealousy but I don't think you can eliminate it as an emotion.

    It's inevitable unless you are emotionally dead, boring, or unfeeling (I've known people like this and they are miserable shits). It's inevitable otherwise because you gotta care about something or someone in this existence because your life would be incredibly boring and wouldn't be worth living if you didn't IMO.
     
    #17 earllogjam, Dec 16, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2009
  18. dolfette

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    you're assuming a lot there.
    so far off track that i honestly don't know where to start.
     
  19. eyescream

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    Jealousy is not caring. I'm no psychologist so I don't know why it's human nature to feel jealous sometimes. But if you're not the jealous type it's a good thing, not a bad thing.
     
  20. dolfette

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    being angry at a lie is not the same as being jealous of the act they lied about.
    i have ended a monogamous relationship in which my partner cheated because 1, i did not feel secure in trusting them not to risk my sexual health by fucking others 2, if i know that he will lie to me then it will make taking things on trust impossible, and i see no purpose in a relationship that awkward and 3, the relationship must not have been entirely fulfilling to him.
     
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