Not an ounce of jealousy, does jealousy equal caring?

[pitloverfl]

I didn't mean to imply those were the only two options, but I guess we're hitting the point where we need to define what we mean by jealousy. It's notoriously hard to define. Many people who study the subject would group the responses you've listed as alternatives and call that jealousy. :smile:

I agree that it depends on what you mean by jealousy. I've always thought of it as the anger, hurt, sense of betrayal, loss of trust, etc., that accompanies a threat to or loss of a relationship by or to another person. The threat or loss can be real or imagined, but the idea is that you are owed or deserve some status or treatment by a someone and that is interfered with by a third party.

If that's what you mean by jealousy, I can see how it could be both normal and healthy, if intensely unpleasant, given certain circumstances like your warning signs example. More often, though, it's unhealthy, based on insecurities, speculation or lack of trust (sometimes earned) and a pretty unattractive thing. The moral of that story is not to jump to conclusions and become too suspicious without good reason. If you have good reason to be suspicious, run like hell, unless of course, you don't mind.

i have ended a monogamous relationship in which my partner cheated because 1, i did not feel secure in trusting them not to risk my sexual health by fucking others 2, if i know that he will lie to me then it will make taking things on trust impossible, and i see no purpose in a relationship that awkward and 3, the relationship must not have been entirely fulfilling to him.

I'm just curious about whether you were feeling any sense of betrayal or loss? If you were, how would you distinguish what you were feeling from jealousy? I'm not trying to be judgmental in any way, but I would definitely have felt betrayed and thus jealous by my definition.

 

[dolfette]

I'm just curious about whether you were feeling any sense of betrayal or loss? If you were, how would you distinguish what you were feeling from jealousy? I'm not trying to be judgmental in any way, but I would definitely have felt betrayed and thus jealous by my definition.

i have issues with that definition. i would have felt the same way had his betrayal come in the form of his stealing from work or committing insurance fraud, and you would interpret neither of those as jealousy.

he had broken an agreed moral code.
the form of it's breaking wasn't the issue.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

can you repeat the question please?

 

[pitloverfl]

i have issues with that definition. i would have felt the same way had his betrayal come in the form of his stealing from work or committing insurance fraud, and you would interpret neither of those as jealousy.

he had broken an agreed moral code.
the form of it's breaking wasn't the issue.

Ah, I see your point. So the fact that it's sexual cheating makes the offense no different than any other kind of moral infraction. I guess that's where we part company then. I view sexual cheating as a qualitatively and quantitatively different kind of betrayal from stealing from work or insurance fraud, at least with respect to the integrity of a romantic relationship. The other two might or might not be forgivable depending on the circumstances, the cheating wouldn't be for me.

 

[badgirl22]

I don't fancy myself a jealous person by nature. But...if I'm in a relationship and there were certain expectations and trust has somehow been broken, I tend to become insecure and the ugly green monster can rear it's ugly head. I truly dislike the jealous emotion. I have never seen anything good come out of it. Once jealousy kicks in for what ever reason, it seems to create a self fullfilling prophecy and the end of a relationship is never far.

 

[latinluva]

I get jealous, yes I admit it.

It probably does stem from my insecurity but insecurity is part of the human emotional landscape. I don't know anyone who doesen't have it. If you say you're not insecure you haven't done much growing and puting your vulnerable self out there IMHO.

I think if you were deeply in love and your lover left you for another person and married and started a wonderful family with that person you would feel deeply hurt and infact, jealous or envious of that person after feeling betrayed and angry.

And I do think it's wrapped up in caring and puting an emotional stake into your passions. It's part of being human. You can control your jealousy but I don't think you can eliminate it as an emotion.

It's inevitable unless you are emotionally dead, boring, or unfeeling (I've known people like this and they are miserable shits). It's inevitable otherwise because you gotta care about something or someone in this existence because your life would be incredibly boring and wouldn't be worth living if you didn't IMO.

I don't fancy myself a jealous person by nature. But...if I'm in a relationship and there were certain expectations and trust has somehow been broken, I tend to become insecure and the ugly green monster can rear it's ugly head. I truly dislike the jealous emotion. I have never seen anything good come out of it. Once jealousy kicks in for what ever reason, it seems to create a self fullfilling prophecy and the end of a relationship is never far.

I would be more disappointed (definitely moving on)then I would be jealous. But the truth is people are like jeans, no matter how good they look on the rack/shelf, you really don't know how good they are until you try them on. And sometimes they just don't fit right, not that they are bad jeans, they simply just don't fit or look good on you/me or whoever. And you know what....that's okay, it doesn't make you ugly or terrible, and it doesn't make them ugly or terrible.