Not quite sure how this "relationship" is going..

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by wonderme, Oct 1, 2010.

  1. wonderme

    wonderme New Member

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    Right, well here's the deal.. I've been seeing a guy for about a month now and he would be the first person I've ever dated.. Problem is that he lives like 2 hours away from here and that we don't see each other often. He probably comes down like every couple of weeks for work related stuff. I've seen him maybe 4/5 times? And like the title says I really don't know how this is going! So I thought I'd see what you lot thought about this :tongue:

    Right well like I said we've seen each other a few times and each time I've had a pretty good time, it was nice chatting and sort of getting to know each other.

    Thing is we don't seem to have that whole "contacting each other that often" sort of thing like most people seem to do.. We probably send a few texts to each other every couple of days or so. This doesn't particularly bother me, but according to people I've spoken to this is "odd" and there should be more interaction at the beginning... (Ok this might be a bit childish or something but I really don't know what I'm supposed to be expecting here) I should probably add that I haven't actually spoken to him about this and relationships and stuff, though I was planning to the next time we met up as I feel that it's more a face to face thing.

    Right this brings to what happened this week. We were supposed to meet up on Monday but then on the day he had to cancel because of job stuff that he had to do in the evening. At that point I was thinking, ok fine I know he has a busy job and so left it at that. Then later on he texted to ask when I finished uni that day and that we could probably meet up for an hour or so which I agreed to. A few hours later I get another text saying that he couldn't make it because he got caught up in a meeting. So again I figured...alright then and left it again.

    I sent him a couple of texts after that asking when he was free to meet up again as he would be here for a few days. But I didn't get a reply til Wednesday just saying that he was sorry that he hasnt been in touch and that work has been really busy. He did however ask if we could meet up on Thursday morning before I had to go to uni so I agreed, and he said he would let me know in the morning when he could meet up. Morning came and nothing until the time I had to leave saying that he couldn't make it..and that soon he'd have to go back to where he lives

    So yeah I've been cancelled on a lot this week and haven't really felt particularly great about it so I figured I'd chat to a friend of mine. She reckons that this probably isn't worth the effort, which to an extent I agree. She pointed out things like he might not be looking for a relationship, isn't that interested, that no matter how busy you are at work you can just send a single text at some point etc.. I'm not so sure about some of this stuff as obviously I need to talk to him about it.

    I did get a call today (to my surprise) from him apologising for not being able to meet up and that he has been pretty much non stop. He said he might be back next week but he said he would let me know about meeting up closer to the time as he didn't want to make any more promises that he wouldn't be able to keep.

    So yeah I don't really know what is happening here. I get that he has a high demanding career and lives far away, but should I be expecting more from this? I'm getting mixed signals about how interested he is with the (lack of) texts and random call (which seem to suggest interest..?)

    What are your views?

    (Apologies for the essay..!)

    :redface:
     
  2. sykray

    sykray Active Member

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    You have the right idea that you need to speak with him face-to-face about the relationship and to tell him how you feel.

    It seems to me that he is also feeling uncertain about commiting to the relationship, even when I make due allowance for the fact that he may be very busy at work.

    I can only speculate on the reasons - mixed feelings about being gay; already having a significant relationship with someone else; the distance (though people from larger countries would not see 2 hours as a distant journey); fear of commitment generally; or he is not that much into you (maybe a "yet" could be put here).
     
  3. minimag

    minimag Active Member

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    No one is "too busy" to send a text message. Even while sitting on the toilet, people have enough time for 160 characters.
     
  4. Nekoman

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    drama = difficult
     
  5. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Your situation reminds of why being too generous in accepting last minute "get togethers" (for want of a better word) will drive you crazy. I started a thread a couple months to get closure for myself with a guy who was my FB.

    That "will we or won't we" obsession as you wait for the call and in which every minute feels like a life time. I remember one evening waiting for the FB to call even when he said he would. So much nervous energy, my flat never looked cleaner after that evening.

    I'm happy to indulge you as I know that when we get into unmistakable sticking points, we want discussion and elaboration on the situation, the emotions involved and of course, what to do next about it.

    What I would do in your situation is to not be Sooooo available in person. When you say, effectively, that you are available at a moment's notice, then he will only call once he has exhausted every other way to use his time. So he's got work to do and people to meet. And since he can go with the flow either in getting together with you --or not as he decides at the moment, it doesn't bother him to take a little bit longer in getting his paperwork done or in wrapping up his work related meetings.

    You on the other hand are wasting precious brain cells on estimating the chances that he will call and the chances as to whether you two will get together and the chances that seeing him in whatever he presents (at the last minute, no less) was indeed a positive experience for you. When really all that time and energy should be put into your studies and getting to know your class mates better.

    So the next time this guy calls and the suggestion of getting to gether comes up, suggest a date, time and place. IF he agrees to it, let him know that you see getting together as confirmed and if that isn't a good time for him, you're not sure when you can be free. If he keeps saying that he will call to confirm, he is telling you that nothing is secured and he is planning on taking his chances. Say then "ok, call me back later in the week and maybe I'll have more time in my schedule."

    Of course, one of two things will happen. He will either step up to the plate knowing that prearrnaged and confirmed meeting times are the way to go with you. Or he will decide that you're becoming too much work for your perceived value to him. In which case, he will stop calling altogether and then your head will be free to puruse other things.

    I do agree with your friends, if you're not talking on the phone with him between your dates then he really is seeing you as an FB --seen, touched, whatever but definitely not heard or listened to.
     
    #5 ConstantComment, Oct 1, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2010
  6. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

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    Wonder, it seems like the guy IS making an effort to keep the thing going because he INITIATES getting together, even though he's found it necessary to postpone a few times. And then he finally said that he did not want to commit for next time and disappoint you.

    When you ARE together does he seem involved and focused? In other words, is he really present? Maybe you guys have not spent enough time together to really get to know each other well enough for you to feel confident with him. Only you can answer that, though.

    Maybe the problem is a practical one. You guys live too far apart, perhaps, for you to get what you want or need out of the connection, especially since he is very busy at work.

    One thing I would not do, however, is be confrontive with him.
     
  7. wonderme

    wonderme New Member

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    Yeah though I wonder when I would be seeing him next.

    You have some interesting ideas though I would probably only agree that a few of them could be likely.

    Mixed feelings about being gay - I doubt that since he has dated guys in the past

    Already having a significant relationship with someone else - Well I hope that's not true, and he doesn't seem like the type that would do that. But then again what do I know?

    The distance - Well it is quite a distance really, well at least it is for me. He's not the only one who has a busy schedule :tongue: Plus the costs to get to where he is would be quite a lot for a student :frown1:

    Commitment and generally not interested - well I won't really know that until we have that convo..

    :confused:

    hmm I see what you mean. Thing is I'm not really that "available at the last minute" most of the time. The meeting up on Monday was decided pretty much a week or two ago, but then just shortened...before being cancelled. On Wednesday evening he asked what my schedule was for Thursday and then he suggested meeting up in the morning so it's not so much like "are you free now?" and I bolt to him or anything like that

    I agree that my mind is better off elsewhere though, I have a lot to do with regards to uni work and being social with friends/classmates certainly beats being stood up.

    A valid point, he did text me this morning pretty much telling me what he was doing today and then ending on how it was great hearing my voice on the phone last night. So it does seem like he is making an effort.

    Yeah he does seem quite interested when we are together. I'm not much of a conversationalist myself but he does ask about my day, friends and uni stuff. I agree that we need to spend more time together as that would make things easier to work out.

    I've always had reservations about a long distance relationship as I do feel that I probably need more of a physical presence to feel that I am with someone if that makes sense. Though that being said I'm not saying that it would never work to having a LDR. I suppose I'll just have to see where this goes before making a proper decision about this.

    Yeah I don't intend on being confronting about this, more of a "where do you think this is going" sort of conversation..
     
  8. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

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    Regarding the level of interaction, I wouldn't read too much into it except that maybe you are both at different stages of where you want this to go. You sound like you are ready for a full-fledged relationship where you talk on the phone daily and other types of frequent communication. 4 or 5 dates isn't a whole lot, especially with someone who lives in a different city, and he might not be "there" yet, even if you know you already are. With the 2 big love relationships that I've had, I think we didn't have that type of daily electronic communication for 4 to 6 weeks, and this was with people I had gone out with a lot more than 4 or 5 times by then. Everyone's different, and I wouldn't worry too much about that. You're probably just in 2 different places, literally and figuratively.

    It sounds like he has a very demanding job that is taking most of attention. And I'm assuming he's young (in his 20s) and still trying to get his career off the ground and at a time where he doesn't have a whole lot of control over his work hours and demands. I totally know where he is coming from, because I routinely worked 60 - 70 hours a week (sometimes more) and traveled alot, often on very short notice, for the first 5 years of my career. I remember days when I woke up in the morning and knew it would be non-stop work until late that night. That kind of lifestyle wreaks havoc on personal lives. I messed up several relationships because I was so focused on my work responsibilities.

    The fact that he called indicates that he is interested - but, interested in what is kind of hard to tell. You need to protect yourself from being in the position of sitting around wondering what is going to happen and when you're going to hear from him again or see him next. I wouldn't let my expectations get too high with this guy and you should still be open to meeting other people, people who meet your needs, too. I also think confronting him about needing to hear from him more would almost certainly backfire, since it sounds like he has a lot of other demands on his time. If you think this guy is worth keeping as a potential boyfriend, maybe just be honest and let him know sometime (e.g., after the next time he cancels on you last minute because he's trapped at work, and I betcha there will be a next time) that you are interested in having this go someplace and that you wish you were able to spend more time together.

    Good luck!
     
  9. avg_joe

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    I don't like drama.
     
  10. avg_joe

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    Naughty spy drama.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    I think you made a big impression on him, and he couldn't stop trying to fit you in, but-- and it's a large one--- you do not mean more to him than his job. Possibly nobody does. This is not a relationship, it's a serendipity that you both found somebody you can actually enjoy hooking up with.

    If I were you I would not upset the rest of my work, school, and family situations to accommodate meetings with him, but be very appreciative of the times few and far between when you can get your schedules to coincide. If that isn't enough, add in another source of what you need.
     
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