not supportive or just need to get out of fantasy land?? please answer

jason_els

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Hmm....

What about the men who assume we want answers when we never asked for any? I'm not saying that you (the OP) are that way, but to turn the tables for a minute, there have been several occasions where a woman has posted a thread more for venting purposes than anything, and men pop up out of nowhere telling her how to solve the problems when she never asked for help in the first place.

This is hard-wired into men. If you ask about something then we assume you're looking for options or a potential solution. We are raised to be fixers and solution providers. It isn't sexist. We do it with each other too because the only time men usually vent like that is when we're honestly looking for advice but don't care to come right out and ask for it as we don't want to appear weak or indecisive.

We want to make things better for you, want to help you solve problems, want to make sure everything will work out for you. This is how we function. Distress in family or friends means we should do what we need to help resolve the situation. To not offer help or advice where it seems needed to is show indifference.

Men usually share emotions to seek help. If we're angry it's because we're frustrated that we can't fix something. If we're sad it's because we've lost or failed. To share these emotions is to indirectly seek help and support to fix them.

It truly does mystify many men when women just vent emotions as Meg described, for no other purpose than just venting emotions. If I did that and a male friend merely replied, "Yup that sucks," without saying anything else then I'd wonder about his commitment to me as he's not trying to help me.

Women are frustrated NO END when men minimize problems, "It's not so bad," "Look at it this way," etc. etc. but we do it because it's what we do to find solutions. We minimize emotions naturally so that our logical side can work on solving the distress. We seek to return to an emotionally neutral state and imagine that's what women want to do too.

I know the whole Men-Mars-Women-Venus thing isn't popular these days but the brains of men and women really do process emotions differently. It can be seen in brain scans. We're not wired the same way and that can lead to problems when attempting to relate to the opposite sex.
 

str82fcuk

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This is hard-wired into men. If you ask about something then we assume you're looking for options or a potential solution. We are raised to be fixers and solution providers. It isn't sexist. We do it with each other too because the only time men usually vent like that is when we're honestly looking for advice but don't care to come right out and ask for it as we don't want to appear weak or indecisive.
We want to make things better for you, want to help you solve problems, want to make sure everything will work out for you. This is how we function. Distress in family or friends means we should do what we need to help resolve the situation. To not offer help or advice where it seems needed to is show indifference.

Men usually share emotions to seek help. If we're angry it's because we're frustrated that we can't fix something. If we're sad it's because we've lost or failed. To share these emotions is to indirectly seek help and support to fix them.

It truly does mystify many men when women just vent emotions as Meg described, for no other purpose than just venting emotions. If I did that and a male friend merely replied, "Yup that sucks," without saying anything else then I'd wonder about his commitment to me as he's not trying to help me.

Women are frustrated NO END when men minimize problems, "It's not so bad," "Look at it this way," etc. etc. but we do it because it's what we do to find solutions. We minimize emotions naturally so that our logical side can work on solving the distress. We seek to return to an emotionally neutral state and imagine that's what women want to do too.

I know the whole Men-Mars-Women-Venus thing isn't popular these days but the brains of men and women really do process emotions differently. It can be seen in brain scans. We're not wired the same way and that can lead to problems when attempting to relate to the opposite sex.



Well I 'hate' to throw a spanner in the works of the whole male/female false dichotomy, but my brain does not conform to the formula :confused:

(Perhaps a brain scan would 'prove' this but I'll probably never know if it does or not)


If someone shares some emotion with me, I tend to react like most women do, and I will witness and validate the existence and expression of the feeling without seeking to minimise or negate the intensity of the feeling, and I would expect the same in return. Many of the men I know find this annoying in the same way as I find them annoying when they do not do this.

If someone asks me a question, I tend to react like most men do, and I will attempt to give an exact answer or at least hazard a best guess, and I would expect the same in return. Many of the women I know find this annoying in the same way as I find them annoying when they do not do this.

What really makes things complicated is when people express an emotion in the form of a question.

This category error crashes my mental computer and leaves me feeling so confused that I will either attempt both methods of response or none at all, neither of which is at all satisfactory to my interlocutor.

I suppose it is much too much to ever expect the majority of the human race to ever be as literal and categorical as I am. In fact I suppose I should 'respect' this difference. Nevertheless, I do wish that there was some way of telling when a question is rhetorical. (I also wish that there was some way of telling when people are 'joking'.)