Not sure of sexuality?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by inofthearts, Nov 7, 2006.

  1. inofthearts

    inofthearts New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2005
    Messages:
    57
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    nyc
    Is anyone else not sure of their sexuality? I mean, I accepted that I liked guys a few years ago, but sometimes now it feels like its wearing off or something. It's really kindof frustrating, considering all the drama you go through coming out. I really have no idea where I stand. Is anyone else just completely confused by this?
     
  2. B_houugadunor

    B_houugadunor member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    247
    Likes Received:
    1
    I am personally 100% gay, I have never had any sexual feelings toward women, but I have a friend who is well and truly "bisexual", one day he will get horny thinking about men, and other days women really get him going.

    I think that being bisexual is more of a private affiar though, I couldnt imagine "coming out" as bisexual, where as being gay is also a lifestyle (for some) being bisexual is more just about sexual preference.

    I think for you, parhaps, you could be possibly bisexual or maybe your going into a "non-sexual phase" (not a technical term!) where sex just doesnt bother you...

    maybe?
     
  3. fortiesfun

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    4,692
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    I can't quite tell how old you are, but the fact is that sexual fluidity is a very natural condition especially for those under thirty. If Kinsey's data of a half century ago is still valid, something over 40% of men undergo a shift in their sexual orientation over time. Sometimes it moves from gay to straight, sometimes from straight to gay, oftentimes it adjusts within the bisexual arena. You condition is not at all uncommon, however.

    There is a little more information relevant to your question available here, especially near the end of the second post.
     
  4. BigA

    BigA New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2006
    Messages:
    870
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    you won't find me
    ehh, don't dwell too much over those percentages. I was thinking I should maybe change mine to 10% gay, as Ive been thinking about cock more lately (probably caused by this site). But you should know what you find attractive, i think
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    We are glad you are here and there have been many threads and posts about people being confused, taking the sexual journey and/or eventually coming to terms with whatever their orientation is (gay, bi, straight).

    Try using the search feature HERE to and search by Thread titles first (then text). Make sure to set the date parameters for "any date and newer."

    Good luck.
     
  6. thickdong

    thickdong New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    scotland
    I know EXACTLY what you mean, mate. Sometimes you can be so sure you are gay, then tell someone, then begin to wish you hadn't said anything as you don't even know yourself! I know what you are going through. Can anyone tell me- is it normal to not want sex with anything???! And why is it that when you DO come out, people instantly assume you are jumping into bed with everything in trousers?
     
  7. trufitjock

    trufitjock Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2006
    Messages:
    672
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ft. lauderdale fl
    There's Nothing Wrong With Just Being Sexual.. Period..
     
  8. fortiesfun

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    4,692
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Yes. It is called asexuality. It is fairly rare, but hardly unknown, and certainly "normal." If you search here, and the internet generally, you can find quite a bit using the term "asexual."
     
  9. Pene_Negro_Grande

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2004
    Messages:
    1,100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Right Next To You
    Yeah I kind of know what you are going through....I was kind of confused when I was younger because I knew I was sexually attracted to women but also knew I was kind of attracted to men....Never really acted on the male attraction till my mid 20's and soon figured (which I hate labels) that I was bi sexual....And I agree w/one of the previous posters saying bi-sexuality is a sexual choice and not a life style....Good luck and remember with time comes wisdom and you figure yourself out eventually....
     
  10. inofthearts

    inofthearts New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2005
    Messages:
    57
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    nyc
    Wow, thanks guys. This has really helped alot.
    Here's a little more to clear some stuff up.
    In answer to the age question: I'm 21.

    There are just times when I really would just rather be friends with guys, I think. There is a really strong appeal from brotherly love, completely apart from anything sexual, and I sometimes feel like I get to sleep with guys at the expense of this brotherly love. Like being gay means that it always has to be uncomfortable around straight guys. Which I hate. And there really are times when guys and dick just aren't what I'm looking for.

    I think the thing that gets me the most is the fact that something can get me incredibly aroused one day, then have no effect the next. It makes it hard to keep up with and really hard to understand. And there are times when nothing at all is arousing, which kindof scares me, seeing as how I'm 21 and should be popping boners all day long.

    Then there's the fact that women have been getting more and more interesting to me lately. I've never slept with a woman, which makes most people say that I'm gay and not bi, but honestly half of the reason that I haven't is because it's intimidating (the other half is cause I was too busy screwing around with guys, lol). And now I kindof feel like I'm behind in the game, being 21 and never having slept with a woman, which makes it even more intimidating.

    And whoever pointed out the fact about the difference between being sexually attracted to guys and living the gay lifestyle made a good point as well. That really hit home, cause I feel like I honestly fit in better in straight society.

    So yeah, thanks for the help, and more is always appreciated. I'm still trying to figure this whole damn thing out, and having the reassurance that this is normal is a HUGE help. Thanks guys.
     
  11. yupp40

    yupp40 Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Ya, I know how you feel. I fantasize about, well.....everything. Sometimes is about girls and sometimes it's about guys, but I can't see myself in a serious relationship with a guy (maybe just a little experimentation :p). So I consider myself mostly straight, but a little gay. I think nobody can be completely 100% one way. But, you can disagree with that.
     
  12. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Being gay, bi, or straight does not mean that someone is always in the mood for sex or is feeling intense sexual attraction. It is normal for your libido to change daily and evolve or time and even shift depending upon who you are with. I am not attracted to all of my straight friends just because they are men. I am not attracted to all of my gay friends simply because they are gay. It depends on the individual and how their presentation interacts with your desires and attractions. It is all both relative and personal.

    I think being able to have friends and not posses them (read: sleep with them) is a goal for many gay and bi men. I think it is attainable and have sought it out with many of my friends. Good luck with that.


    An Important point: Gay is not a lifestyle and orientation is not choice.
    A person does not choose to be straight ot gay. They choose to either accept their orientation fully and love themselves or they choose to deny, repress and hide themselves which can often lead to self-destructive behaviors, depression, etc. You have no chosen to be what you are, you simply ARE. Your next steps are possibly to discover ALL of who you are and decide to accept or reject. Self-acceptance is the big choice, especially in a world that rejects difference.

    There are many types of people represented in the gay community (as in the Straight community)--some are more masculine and some are more feminine and there is a huge range: from masculine looking men who act like in femine ways to feminine looking men who are dominant and very agressive. Don't let the rampant heterosexisim of our society make you feel as if you have to choose the one "world" over the other world. Our work is to make this planet a place where these worlds seamlessly interact and are one so that young people such as yourself don't feel pressured to conform to EITHER set of stereotypes and, instead, can forge your own path.

    You are totally normal and I wish you luck in your self-discovery.
     
  13. reallyhot

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2006
    Messages:
    1,479
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    79
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Great White North
    Hello and Welcome,
    Glad that you are asking questions so early in life.
    It's great that this website is available for you here now.
    It's also great that so many have done their best to help you feel more
    at ease about who you are and where you are on the journey of life.
    Just thought I'd say a few things about my perspective.
    I'd like to add that from my perspective that it's a great thing that there
    is such a large variety of us straight, gay, bi, etc. in the world and that
    we can all interact with such ease here on the net.
    Variety is the spice of life, and if we did'nt have spice it would get boring
    rather quickly...
    I would suggest that you accept yourself where you are and just acknowledge that we are all changing as we grow.
    Sometimes our "percentages" fluctuate and sometimes we are more stable
    I guess the point is that change is the only constant.
    Perhaps the most significant change you can make is just to be happy
    with who you are where you are in your now and feel good about it.
    Nothing really mindblowing, but sometimes it just needs acknowledgment.
    1. Be Happy
    2. Make the best of it.
    3. Go with the flow. Relax.
    4. Feel Good...Find something to feel good about...and be happy.
    You'll be fine.
     
  14. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2006
    Messages:
    924
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    That's me, and I agree.
     
  15. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    11,908
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northumberland
    Just when you are thinking how much crap is flying around the threads you read a brilliant post like this. Excellent perspective and great advice offered in this post. This is what makes this site excel.
     
  16. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    Yep, I'm not sure of my sexuality.

    ...be pretty stupid to try and make myself "sure".

    Furthermore, you guys should really invest more time in using the search function.
     
  17. inofthearts

    inofthearts New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2005
    Messages:
    57
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    nyc
    I'm sorry. You're absolutely right in what you are saying, but this is not quite what I was speaking to. I wasn't very clear I guess, partly because it is still not quite clear in my head. Please know that I fully understand the nature of orientation and that it is not a choice, and likewise with masculinity and the importance of knowing yourself, yadda yadda.

    I think what I was speaking to here was the fact that in the gay communities/arenas that I have been in (read: places that are dominated by gays; i.e. midtown atlanta, gay bars, even with some groups of gay friends, etc) I feel a very high sexual tension that really just makes me uncomfortable alot of the time. In a straight-dominated arena I don't have to double-read every sentence and dodge glances from people because I don't want them to think I'm flirting with them. It's just more laid-back for me, easier-going. That's all I meant to say.
     
  18. davidjh7

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    seattle
    Well, I think in certain "Gay getto" areas, where the sexuality is more overt, and in some cases openly flaunted, it IS a more sexually charged atomosphere, and intended to be. Many of these areas are targeted as beng places to find partners, so I would expect a higher sexual tension than places where sexuality isn;t as overtly presented. You go to a straight bar, that caters to a younger single crouwd, and you will feel the same sexual tension. It is enviroment, not sexuality, that is affecting what you describe. How I see it anyway.
     
  19. swordfishME

    swordfishME Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2006
    Messages:
    947
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    DFW Texas
    I agree with all of the posters that sexuality is very fluid, espically at a young age. I started my sex life at 12 with another guy and the thought of having sex with a woman really intimidated me for the longest time. All through HS I was a closeted but GAY. I just did not believe I was capable of any form of penetration except oral. For apperances sake, I started dating this girl my first few weeks of college and she was the one who had to goad me into having sex with her. This was right after I turned 19 and have been having sex with women for the last 10 years. I have not actually been with a guy in the last 7-8 years and even thought I fantasize about getting bj's from good looking famous men, I am at this point in my life straight. Labels do not apply to me, who knows maybe one day I might get together with another guy but right now pussy is keeping me well satisfied.

    Ok so the moral of the story is just go with the flow and dont try to worry too much about labels, who knows where you might end up. Hope this helps/
     
  20. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    I was at one time! You have to take it that life is a journey. Relax and enjoy it. Dont dwell on things like this. Go with the flow.........:cool:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted