not sure where to post this

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Mr 604753, Jun 28, 2006.

  1. Mr 604753

    Mr 604753 New Member

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    Hi everyone, im new here, 21 year old guy.
    i was just wondering, do you guys think its odd to feel guilty over sex or anything for that matter? This sounds like a joke but its not. When i talk to girls etc...and i want to fool around or whatever, im not saying im a ladies man, but am good with words cause of the career i have been in.
    but anyhoo, when i talk and they finally want to kiss or whatever i feel really guilty like im doing something wrong.
    I dont have any abuse or anything from long ago or anything, just a "normal" guy.
    Ive always been like this, and i really hate it when people call me "gay" (im for anyone doing whatever they want by the way and dont hate anyone), and i take offense to that because im not attracted to guys in a sexual way. Especially girls saying this, even some of my older friends say that, like 40+ years old.
    I dont know what the problem is, im not in a rush to have sex and i dont have to do anything anyone tells me to but i dont want to be the guy that gets called the 40 year old virgin :p
    Im not religious or anything, ive always done what i wanted in life, but i feel literally guilty.
    One part is i dont just want to have sex, but i want a relationship, or someone to settle down with, not just casual sex. But i cant even be myself cause apparently women want a guy who isnt clingy cause they think its weakness or whatever, but i want to do what i want, i shouldnt have to go by what all the other people think right?
    Example, i went to the strip club and my friends bought me a lap dance, it was nice but i feel guilty doing that too. Like i did something really wrong.
    this probably dont belong on this board but nobody takes me serious elsewhere.

    What do you guys think?

    Thanks for your input by the way.
    i learned some great stuff from this site.
     
  2. Andresito

    Andresito Member

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    Look, my carrer has a lot of social teories and stuff, and the culture factor is always one of the most importants.

    I can't tell what to do because:

    1) there isn't enough information about yourself.

    2) my english sucks (Andres ---> can read, not write)

    I'll go the easy solution, get a therapist or a psychologist.

    The Hobbes way ---> get a prostitute and lost your virginity, then you'll free to do whatever you like without the pression of find the right person.[SIZE=-1]

    Leviathan rulez.

    Good luck.
    [/SIZE]
     
  3. chico8

    chico8 New Member

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    It's great that you're sticking to your guns. I admire you for that, a lot of guys would have given up long ago and just stuck it in the first warm hole they could find. Don't worry about them calling you gay, it's just their way of dealing with someone they don't understand.

    It's not so great that you continually feel guilty about any and every instance of sexualized contact, even if it's just a kiss. I guess my question is, are you going to feel guilty even when you meet the right woman? What then? I think you really need to work this issue out, it could well shadow you for the rest of your life and that is not good. Have you ever thought of seeing a counselor about it? I believe you and I'm sure a lot of other guys here will too, but this isn't the best place to deal with such a serious issue.
     
  4. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Just sounds like you are a little shy....I use to be like that because I grew up in a religious family and when I lost my virginity at a young age - I felt so guilty that I didn't have sex for like 3 or 4 years after that....But once I became comfortable with myself and my confidence built up - I fear no rejection and women really responded to it....I do find that a lot of women do not like clingy men that are always up their arse....It is good to be yourself but sometimes yourself has to adapt to your environment....You are young and it does get better....
     
  5. D_Coyne Toss

    D_Coyne Toss New Member

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    Go on your way, and don't let others influences your choices. Are you sure you chose the style you really want? live your life that way, and you won't regret it.

    Everybody has a different approach to sexuality, and, as long as it doesn't hurt others, all are acceptable.
     
  6. B_Hornaplenty

    B_Hornaplenty New Member

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    I agree with P_N_G, you may be shy, or have doubts about what your body reaction will be when you are forthrightly sexual with your girl. It's embarassing to get naked and then find you can't perform. So the first thing you must do is develop friendship with the women you would like to get intimate with. The friendliness will turn into closeness, and that will turn into arousal. When you are spending time with someone you really like, and vice versa, it will turn into something erotic, and you will find you like doing it, and it will be very fulfilling. Take it slow, and good luck.
     
  7. headbang8

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    Don't want to sound harsh or alarmist, but I think you really need to work on this issue.

    Shyness is one thing. Guilt and shame is another.

    You say you weren't abused, but in my experience, this kind of reaction almost always stems from abuse or dysfunction in your family of origin. Subtle or overt. Physical, sexual or emotional. Mild or severe.

    You might not recognise some of your family's behaviour as unhealthy. After all, it's difficult to compare what happens in the privacy of the family home with what's supposed to be normal and healthy. (And who's to say what's normal and healthy anyway?) It's just the way things are. UNtil you work out what the real subtext of family life was.

    It could be any number of things. A stern parent who, in so many subtle ways, taught you that indulging in your own pleasure was selfish? Or that you were unworthy? A parent or sibling with special needs that took precedence over your own life and goals? An emotionally needy parent around whom the family revolved, teaching you, again, that tending to your own emotional needs was selfish. Could be any number of things.

    Forgive me. Having come from such a background myself, I can be accused of reading family dysfunction into everything I hear. But crippling guilt almost always stems from this source.

    I'd urge you to look at this more closely. Post more about it. PM board members you think you can trust. See a therapist. Whatever feels right for you.

    But address it, for your own peace of mind.
     
  8. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    I think it might be a good idea to see a therapist. Problem is, it's so luck of the draw. You have to work with a therapist for a while before being quite sure they're the person for you. And by then, you have an investment in keeping the relationship, because some kind of connection (likely) will have (already) been made and so .... blah blah blah.

    But maybe you should try. On a couple of occasions, I've had great benefits from seeing a therapist.

    I'm assuming that you really see this as a problem, instead of a manifestation of your individuality.
     
  9. Mr 604753

    Mr 604753 New Member

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    thanks for you advice guys! Maybe part of the problem is that i am not close enough, ive had a ton of opporotunities but never took them, even though i wanted to for that reason.
     
  10. basque9

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    I can relate more than just a little bit to your guilt.... the thing I had to realize was that the guilt was not mine, but that of my Puritanical and dysfunctional family bearing heavily upon me. It has taken years to exorcise that guilt, and it has not been an easy task. The best advice you have received is to seek some professional help! Good Luck guy!
     
  11. dreamer20

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    If you want a long term relationship you must find someone who does love and accept you the way you are or it isn't going to work Mr 6. You have been confident enough to chat to women and even get to the stage of kissing "or whatever" and then your anxiety sets in. The woman who loves you will understand when you tell her that you are nervous because you are a virgin and she will be honored to teach you about physical love.

    Listen to this Mr. 6, you have nothing to feel guilty about if you are led by love :

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=pBZEUh0tEtw&search=lets%20get%20it%20on

    lol dreamer20
     
  12. sykray

    sykray Active Member

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    It would seem that you have picked up the sexual guilt from someone or somewhere - presumably within the family. sometimes you pick up such feelings indirectly because no one in the family is seen naked, sex is never spoken about, TV cahannels are changed when scenes become intimate.

    Do you feel guilty about masturbation, too? Or maybe it's only the expression of sexual or intimate interest with a woman.

    I would agree that counselling or therapy (if you find the right professional) would be helpful.
     
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