Not the cheating kind

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Wilde316, Aug 26, 2011.

  1. Wilde316

    Wilde316 Member

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    For a very long time now I've been in a committed realationship with my loving wife/girlfriend. Theres been no issues with our sex life, no issues with almost any aspect of our lives until now. My wife has started to accuse me of cheating, I'll be right out front and say I'm not. It doesn't matter what happends or what I do she continues to accuse me or not trust that I'm not screwing around.

    First off this is idiotic as I work almost 80 hours every week, so I barely have the energy to please her let alone please another woman. Secondly theres has never been a problem with the bedroom so why would I begin looking for someone to just cause more issues.

    The main issue is really that I'm on a drug called cipralex which makes it so I can go and go for a very long time without ever cumming. I feel like maybe my wife is worried that because she cant get me off like she used to that I might find someone that can. I keep assuring her that its silly but I'm being punished and accused so much that it really makes me think about actually doing it. I wont, but the thought is there.

    Does anyone have any advice as to how I can reassure my wife that I love only her and that she has nothing to worry about. Seriously she's gone stalker like, checking my facebook, going through my texts. I really need some advice before its too late.
     
  2. Gecko4lif

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    Have you tole her this?
     
  3. Wilde316

    Wilde316 Member

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    We've discussed it at length, and argued at length.
     
  4. Gecko4lif

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    Outside of saying "Marriage counseling" or "Leave her" I dont think you will find lpsg very illuminating
     
  5. pablo229

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    I've seen some relationships where the woman is at first drawn to the guy in part because he is so driven with his work (and perhaps makes good money), but after awhile, they tire of him working 12+ hours a day. The combination of being gone all the time and then not having the energy to be with her can sometimes trip their red flags and make them think there's another woman. Either way, a partner can become very envious if the workplace gets all the time and effort out of you, and leaves none for her.

    Unfortunatley there's a darker possibility here too (I don't know your speceific situation, so please do not be offended, I'm just throwin it out there). Sometimes when a partner is cheating, in order to prevent their SO from detecting it, they launch a pre-emptive attack against you. They claim you're cheating so that you're constantly on the defensive, which they feel will prevent you from ever playing offense and suspecting *her* of being the cheating one. Not sure if that applies here, but I had not heard about this sort of strategy until I was in my mid/late twenties, and I was surprised to know that sort of thing goes on out there. Good luck to you either way...
     
  6. shadow27

    shadow27 New Member

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    You fell in love with her right? sometimes women need to hear that...
    i have to constantly tell my bestie that she is beautiful and that she is loved for her to remember and feel better about it...even though she knows its true she still needs the affirmation.
    Try to romance her again. Its just an idea, maybe you are and im just stabbing in the dark, but what i have learned from women (the tiny thin 2 page book of info) is that women love to be affirmed and reminded that they are #1 in their man's life.
     
  7. dolfette

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    she has issues.
    whatever the fuck her issues are, she should not be taking them out on you this way.
    if it were me, i would go home tomorrow night and angrily accuse her of cheating. accuse her again and again until she was a blubbering mess, and then point out that it doesn't feel very nice to be attacked this way.
    but then i'm a bitch.
     
  8. D_bbq02hvb

    D_bbq02hvb New Member

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    It's very possible she is cheating on you... When women start randomly accusing you of things for no good reason, it's often the result of feeling guilty from doing the exact same thing.
     
  9. eieddie

    eieddie New Member

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    go fuck around on her then she will be right, lol
     
  10. Drifterwood

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    So, you are on medication for depression or high anxiety, working extreme hours and your long term partner is in your face?

    Does she work?

    Is she on any medication?
     
  11. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    This is the best advice you can get. It might actually behoove you to consider that she has cheated and has a major guilt factor. I would for sure take control right now if you love her and give her a seriously huge dose of her own medicine that she will never forget. Act like you mean it. She'll try to turn the tables on you, but insist that you have told her over and over again that you have been faithful and that she is so out of control, her guilt is written all over her face, words and deeds. Stay on her constantly until she breaks down. You'll then find out what's really going on in her head.

     
  12. CUBE

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    My thought too. Is she working so you don't have to work as much? She is insecure about your relationship even though you have talked to her. Very difficult situation. You can't give any more or you will be dead. I think you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. I do think counsling may be needed to help define some terms...like she needs to respect where you are at too. Sounds like you are trying to be open with her
     
  13. helgaleena

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    She needs something to occupy her besides your ability to make love with her. Marrying someone who holds a workaholic's job requires tolerance for that sort of life. She is feeling lonesome for you and needs to volunteer, get her own job, or start cheating on you to fill up the time and attention deficit she experiences from you.

    How this will play out I do not know. She might dump you, she might stay and take up oil painting, she might go out and get a job, or join you at yours. The point is, she needs more than she is getting out of the situation. In that sense, her perception of 'cheating' has something to it.

    Make her take responsibility for more of her own amusement. Or quit the double shifts and spend more face-time with her, with less money.
     
  14. Phil Ayesho

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    If your woman has a problem with you... chances are that its related to security.

    The behavior you describe is a sign of insecurity on her part.

    This may be partly your doing, in that you may have ceased or cut back doing some of the things that used to make her feel secure... working 80 hours a week certainly gives you lots of time away from the home in which to have dalliances....

    However, it may also simply be something going on within her, as a function of aging.

    You need to understand that, in their teens and twenties, women are at the apex of their attractiveness and power... and young, unproven men are struggling just to get their attention.

    However, as a couple ages, the guy, if he's a hard worker and doing well, and doesn't let himself go, becomes more attractive to women. George Clooney, at 50, is widely regarded as the acme of male desirability... how many women can claim that at 50?

    As women age, their physical attractiveness diminishes... this is not a function of social conditioning... a million years of evolution tells men to be most attracted to women of child bearing age.

    But women are attracted to men based upon their power, their prestige, their ability and willingness to provide, their loyalty, etc...
    These are all traits that men come more into later in life.... i.e. a good man becomes more apparent with a track record.

    regardless of how beautiful you find your wife...regardless of the fact that, even older, her personality and your connection to her make her the most desirable woman on earth... She may be looking in the mirror, seeing that the years are beginning to be visible, and fretting about her ability to keep you interested, to hold on to you, as more and more women out in the world begin to see, clearly, that you are a 'catch'.


    You might even still be doing all the things that originally drew her to you and made her feel secure... but with her own slipping self confidence, this might not be enough.

    It is very hard to combat this fear in a woman, because it is rooted in how much she values herself on her own appearance, or age. ( something our consumer society encourages women to believe- how many commercials on TV promise to make a woman look younger)

    She might need some counseling...

    But what can you, as the man who loves her, do to help?

    Anything and everything you can to make her certain of your affections, to make her feel beautiful, desirable, and cherished... to make her feel like she is still your best friend.

    Do you spend a lot of time with the boys? cut it in half or more.
    Do you spend 80 hours a week working? What the hell for? Money? Try cutting back on your hours, and if she complains about the loss of income, tell her that you would rather live poorer in funds, but richer in time with her.

    She needs to come to an understanding of where this suspicion is originating. And she may not be able to accept that its is her own creation, based in her own issues of self confidence and worth.

    And, if she can not come to grips with her own responsibility for it... then be prepared for the worst... I can tell you from first hand experience that, if she can't own up to it... the accusations will continue... the suspicion will lead to further character assassination of you in her own mind, and resentment of you will build to unbearable proportions.

    Ultimately, if unchecked, you will come to the realization that the man she describes you to be, to herself, bears no resemblance to the real you at all... and at that point your relationship will tear itself to shreds.


    Do whatever you can to make her feel secure.... its your job as her mate.

    But realize that unfounded suspicion of you is her issue that she needs to address before it destroys what you share.
     
    #14 Phil Ayesho, Aug 30, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2011
  15. D_efewrgewr

    D_efewrgewr New Member

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    I just ended a several year relationship, and what you describe is eerily familiar. And I totally get the feeling of being accused of cheating unfairly so much that it actually makes you think of doing it.

    My advice is, you cannot reassure your wife that you love only her and she has nothing to worry about. Or, maybe you can for a few hours, but her insecurity will likely come back very soon after.

    So, you could easily get locked into a cycle of you taking care of her insecurity more and more, and yet it coming back even stronger.

    If you don't want that, you must hold on to your integrity. What I mean is, you have not cheated on your wife, and you love her. You can tell her exactly that, and tell her that you don't feel she trusts you. And you feel hurt by that. And you understand that it's hard for her to believe you.

    But even so, you must (lovingly) set a boundary, a line that cannot be crossed. Perhaps this is something like: she must accept that you love her and have been faithful to her, and she must get professional help for her feelings of insecurity. Or, (lovingly again,) you will leave her.

    You can't make her change. It sounds like she's having psychological problems, and that must feel terrible for her. Of course, it's not great for you either. All you can do is invite her to get help, and set a clear boundary around not feeding her insecurity by "buying into it" and trying to take care of it for her.
     
  16. Chaotica

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    Have you pointed out the medication issue to her?

    Everyone here knows that anti-depressants cause MAJOR problems in the bedroom.
    But she may not.
     
  17. Chaotica

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    Chemical castration.
     
  18. lafever

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    It's time for you to take a vacation, then you can tell & show your wife how much you love her, day after day & hour after hour for about a week without any interuptions or reservations. This will reasure your wife that she's number one in your life, plus it will give you a better indication of where she's really at in the relationship and where you stand when it comes to a future with her. You'll know right away if something is going on that doesn't add up, when you get someone alone with you for long periods of time it's hard to deny the truth especially when it's stairing you in the face. If she's thinking about someone else then she won't be able to hide it since her behavior will come through her subconscious mind, she'll act bored and/or antsy like she can't wait to get back home. This is because she's thinking about someone else.
    If she doesn't come around during your vacation then I'd consider running for the hills when you get back and start looking for a divorce lawyer.

    NOTE: If she's still hell bent on accusing you even after a kick ass vacation then chances are she's already found someone else and is trying her best to not look like the bad one.
     
    #18 lafever, Sep 2, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2011
  19. Wilde316

    Wilde316 Member

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    I've taken all the advice given into consideration, the funniest thing happened, I recently lost my job, as soon as I was home more often her accusations dropped. We had a long conversation about the issue and most of it was caused by my own history and some of her insecurities.

    When we first got together it was sex all the time and we were both very satisfied, as time went on I was diagnosed with severe depression so the doctors put me on a drug called cypralex, which severely redused any and all chances of me orgasming, even manually. This was a thing of pride to her because she liked satisfying her man. When she no longer could due to the length and effort required it hurt her. Being a man that has always enjoyed sex she started to worry that her inability to make me satisfied would lead to me cheating in order to find said satisfaction. This along with the long hours I worked and also the removal of most of her sexual desire since she also went on cypralex lead to her accustations.

    While we haven't solved the problem totally at least a full conversation and voicing of the issues was given. She is not cheating on me which is a good thing, and she has come to understand that I'm not who I used to be. Slowly but surely we are rebuilding. As for the drugs preventing orgasm, so far they are the only ones that have helped with the depression, so they leave very little options for other choices. Thank you all for your input, I do appreciate it
     
  20. D_Sal_Manilla

    D_Sal_Manilla Account Disabled

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    i was just about to say that... ask her. Tell her everything and exactly how you feel and don't argue... if she begins to argue then just walk way and return when she is done.
     
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