Obituaries... Have you ever decided to exclude someone from one?

HorseHung40's

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All,

I have been asked by a friend, who has a terminally ill relative, if she should exclude estranged family members from an obituary, and, by extension, not have them at the funeral.

I have never had to deal with this.

Has any of you experience in this area? If so, what did you do? What were the circumstances?

Thank you in advance!
 
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halcyondays

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I've never had that experience so I can't advise.

I will say that at my father's viewing the funeral director commented openly about how well my sibs and I got along--laughing, talking, teasing and sharing stories of growing up. Normal banter for us.

I asked the director if it what were doing was unusual. He said you would not believe the family conflicts that surface at viewings. Arguments, yelling, even fights break out. It's an emotional time. Add regret, guilt, shame and unfinished business to grief.

Given this I understand your friend's desire not to include some family members. I would not exclude any children of the deceased from the obit. If the date and time of viewing and funeral are mentioned in the obit I don't see how your friend could stop anyone from attending.
 

EllieP

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Yes, I have seen families that have excluded members from the printed obit. None related to me, of course!

But I went to pay my respects at a funeral home to a friend's father that had passed away. And while we were talking she abruptly excused herself and went to meet this man who just came through the door.

Her voice raised and she said "you're not wanted here." He turned around and left. I excused myself right then, but I found out later that the guy was her brother who was estranged from the family. He had come to his father's wake, but she turned him away. I don't know what kind of bad blood was there, but I was very surprised.

We do things differently in Texas. We got people in the pews who probably don't even know the deceased or their family! I'm serious! Good church people just looking for someone to mourn.
 

rbkwp

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If the "terminally ill relative" is still alive, they should be asked what they want.

agree
and if unable to give a reasonable response,thery should not be excluded,ever
we,dont have any rights over there lives

NZ just passed a euthanasia bill
while ok' dont see it/that as any given right to your ultimate decision
we try/that is cool
good luck,in what you decide
conscience,is a weird thing for us to work thru huh


btw
personally decided no govt/or otherwise,are putting any limit to my attendance at a funeral
especially with this rampant cv
 
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seventiesdemon

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All relatives should be notified. Family issues are family issues. If your friend wishes people to be excluded, you need to be certain they are the wishes of the terminally ill or the personal wishes of your friend.

It's not her funeral. She has asked you a question, don't make an issue for yourself in the future or be dragged into family disputes, or be used as an excuse later on that it was your fault people were not advised or invited to the service.

If she is to give you instructions or ask for you to organize, you need to have these things written down by her as your guide.
 
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HorseHung40's

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I would like to thank everyone for having taken the time to share views on this subject.

My initial recommendation was to publish a death notice after any services had occurred. This family has seen more than its fair share of anger, deceit, hurt and meanness over the years. Those, who were close to the relative, would be asked to attend; however, she would tell them that the affair was private. Given the family history, they would understand.

She has spoken to the dying relative, at my urging, and asked him what he would prefer. The man did not want any of the nasty relatives there, because they had already caused so much hurt that he did not want to give them one last kick at the can. He did like the idea of a private service with an obituary to follow afterward.
 

Cecil56

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We got people in the pews who probably don't even know the deceased or their family! I'm serious! Good church people just looking for someone to mourn.
Thanks. Now you just gave a retiree, bored with all the time on his hands, a new pass time. Free lunch as well! ;)
 

palakaorion

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I've recently been on the business end of this.

I'm a newborn adoptee. About 6 years ago I connected with my "bonus family" on my birth father's side, 3 states away. He was initially surprised but quickly it was apparent that we were father and son, later confirmed by testing.

Birth father passed away a couple weeks ago. We had never met in person (Rona is a bitch) though we spoke regularly on the phone. One brother is welcoming, the other is suspicious.

I asked to be mentioned in his obituary notice as a survivor. After some apparent verbal gymnastics, I was listed as a special family friend, not as his son. Okay, it's good to know where you stand.

I decided not to appear at his services, to avoid creating an uncomfortable situation for my brothers on the day they said goodbye to their Dad.
 

HorseHung40's

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I've recently been on the business end of this.

I'm a newborn adoptee. About 6 years ago I connected with my "bonus family" on my birth father's side, 3 states away. He was initially surprised but quickly it was apparent that we were father and son, later confirmed by testing.

Birth father passed away a couple weeks ago. We had never met in person (Rona is a bitch) though we spoke regularly on the phone. One brother is welcoming, the other is suspicious.

I asked to be mentioned in his obituary notice as a survivor. After some apparent verbal gymnastics, I was listed as a special family friend, not as his son. Okay, it's good to know where you stand.

I decided not to appear at his services, to avoid creating an uncomfortable situation for my brothers on the day they said goodbye to their Dad.
Had I been in your situation, I would have done, just as you did.
 
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snowman 1234

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One of my sisters died a few years ago, another sister did funeral arrangements . You can imagine the family reaction when she used the death notice to come out to the rest of the family and community . Behind her name in brackets was the name of her girlfriend where a spouse's name would go . We just thought it was a poor way to come out , still causes hurt feelings at times
They did get married, divorced few years later
 
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cedarizzo

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I had an aunt that was the bad relative. She was horrible to my grandpa (locked him in his bedroom for days at a time, stole all his money and sold his house without telling anybody in the family). The poor guy was left homeless and broke. When he finally died, nobody bothered to find her and let her know. She wasn't mentioned in the obituary and luckily she didn't show up at the funeral. It would have been a big fight if she had shown up. Everybody was better off without her presence.
 

HorseHung40's

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I have heard from many on this subject. The opinions represented a fairly broad spectrum of thought; however, there was one view that seemed to prevail. Keep the toxic person(s) away - they have caused enough damage.

Interestingly, some of you also emailed me about same-sex weddings and the guest list. Here opinions were very strong: If people cannot love us, just as we are, who needs them. I found it heartwarming to read that members of a previously marginalized group have found a very loud voice, and, have learned to use it so effectively!
 
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Rohar

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Interesting question and comments. I’m interested in genealogy, and so the idea of an inaccurate obit bothers me a lot. Excluding someone from a service, however, seems reasonable.

That said, there’s a guy who claims (without evidence) that my dad is his birthdad. They have never met. Dad says it’s not true. Even if we had evidence that he was my dads biological son, I would never mention him in the obit. This would lead to too many questions and a change of focus from the purposes of a funeral, etc.
 
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wallyj84

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This happened to someone I know. Her father died and her brother decided to keep her and her children out of her father's obituary.

Her brother was a massive loser and basically stole all of her parents money. He took her entire inheritance. Then tried to make her disappear out of spite.
 
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HorseHung40's

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Interesting question and comments. I’m interested in genealogy, and so the idea of an inaccurate obit bothers me a lot. Excluding someone from a service, however, seems reasonable.

That said, there’s a guy who claims (without evidence) that my dad is his birthdad. They have never met. Dad says it’s not true. Even if we had evidence that he was my dads biological son, I would never mention him in the obit. This would lead to too many questions and a change of focus from the purposes of a funeral, etc.

Thank you for this post. That man, if he is correct, is part of your father; however, he is not part of the family. As long as he has not caused any damage to anyone in any way, wish the man a good life, and, close the book on him.
 
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palakaorion

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there’s a guy who claims (without evidence) that my dad is his birthdad. They have never met.
I'm the bonus son in my version of this story, but I have DNA proof. My birthmom didn't notify my birthdad about me until I was 55.

My birthdad and my brothers acknowledge the truth. Distance and circumstance kept us from meeting before he passed earlier this year. I was mentioned in the obit, but not as a son.

Your bonus brother, if he really is your dad's son, isn't the bad guy in the story. He's just a man trying to connect with his blood relatives. Most people cannot understand what it's like to not know or be around the people they're related to, to not resemble the others in your family, to put "unknown" on every blank of a family medical history questionnaire.

Maybe cut your bonus brother some slack.