Dear njqt466:
I am sincerely sorry to hear of your loss. You touch upon a very important subject, though.
Speaking from personal and practical experience, regardless what others may or may not regard as a "marriage" and "ordained by God" -- which really seems to depend upon what century you're living in -- my spouse and I are recognized on all our legal documents as "esposos." In English that translates directly into "husbands." Sometimes one hears couples refer to one another as "mi pareja." In Spanish (castellano) "pareja" is always feminine. Therefore, many gay men and women in el mundo Latino prefer to use it because they don't have to explain why, for example, if one is male one refers to his mate as his "esposo" (husband) or if Lesbian her "esposa" (wife). But in my adopted countries, gay civil unions and/or marriages are currently legal. So, I'm not too worried about what happens when either I or The Squeeze dies.
Of course, the USA is different. Many newspapers (even the New York Times) will change the use of husband or wife in the obit of a gay person to "partner" or "companion", even though they are now thrilled to publish same sex "commitment ceremonies" in the Social Page section. Therefore, it's VERY ADVISABLE that gay couples prepay for their funeral arrangements, including the writing or at least approving the copy, of their own obituaries. Most Journalism students will remember that writing one's own obituary is often the first writing assignment they have in college or university when they begin their majors. There is no law anywhere in the USA that prevents one from writing their own obituary in anticipation of their death and keeping it available with their health directive documents (i.e., Living Will to do not or please do resuscitate). I forget the actual name for this directive, but they are free, all hospitals have them and will give you one. Everyone, gay or straight, is well advised to have one available and handy, just like your organ donor card.
It may sound grim, but once the check is cashed the funeral director as well as the paper(s) who receive the prepayment for keeping a copy of your obit on file and eventually publishing it (usually so many $'s per word) are contractually obligated to publish it as written. Granted, newspapers can refuse to publish the obit and return the money to the loved one's estate. So, gays must "shop around" for a daily that will agree to publish their obits as written. For example, the Reno Gazette and Las Vegas Sun have no issues about gay obituaries. The Elko Daily News is vehemently anti-gay and refuses to publish anything that suggests the person may have been anything other than heterosexual -- unless, of course they are caught having sex in a public restroom, in which case "it's valuable public news."
Likewise, many newspapers in the USA out-right refuse to recognize gay marriages OR civil unions, regardless if the couple was recognized as enjoined in a legal civil union as well as having had a formal wedding afterwards. This always astounds me. Once any couple, gay or straight, has received their marriage/civil union license (note, the word "marriage") they really don't need to further announce to the world they are a married couple to be legal. However, as well all know most go off to spend whatever they wish for a formal public ceremony in a church and then reception or party afterwards.
When referring to my legal squeeze in the USA I push the social envelope and always say "husband." I'm well beyond worrying over the snickers this engenders and the speculation that I am a "bottom." Not an issue. And I don't do it just to irk those who think their legal coupling is somehow more sacred and special than ours. That's their problem. Imagine the fight I had with my own gay attorney when drawing up my Living Trust for my assets in the USA. She insisted, even though very sympathetic, that my distant relations (brother, his daughters, their husbands -- none of whom ever return any of my calls or acknowledge receiving friendly cards and letters) could still place a "notice of interest" against my estate and hold up the dispersal of my assets in court until nothing was left. Therefore, I had her create an iron-clad legal contract (only the future will prove if it works or not) which the person I selected and who has agreed to be the my executor signed giving them my limited power of attorney to disperse my estate according to my Will, ensuring the bulk of it goes to my husband. In return, my executor will be well compensated for this responsiblity. Of course, laws very State by State. For this reason, among others, I maintain my permanent residence in the USA in the State of Nevada. The laws of other States rarely succeed in imposing their reach on things dealing with Wills and Estates in the Silver State -- although it's not unheard of.
Again, I understand how odd you felt when reading your friend's obit. The term "dear friend" seems to imply things are going backwards in the USA. In 1980 a "dear friend" had his home on Fire Island featured in the New York Times Sunday Magazine. The reporter who came out to interview us was gay. But the editors at the NYT just couldn't bring themselves to acknowledge that I and my "dear friend" were homosexuals. Therefore, the politically correct term they used to describe us was "design-conscious summer residents." We immediately had 100 T-shirts printed up that proclaimed "My Friends Are Design-Conscious Summer Residents!" and gave them away as house gifts to everyone who visited. I suppose, for the era, it was better than referring to us as "flaming queen and toxic boy-toy." LOL!
And, of course, "Good luck with that."
Cheers