Officially out, but how to get started

[feznavj29]

So I wasn't sure where to post this, but this seems as good a place as any. Anyway, I have trouble meeting other guys. I just came out officially a few months ago and have not felt more like myself than at any other time in my life. I was preparing for it for months and finally became comfortable with saying it to myself and it's turned out really well. I've had nothing but support and positive responses. And now I feel I'm ready to actually date someone, but the thing is, I don't know many gay people. My friends are all straight and the gay people I know are just people that come into my work. (I work at a bank so it would be quite inappropriate to talk to customers about sexual orientation).

I just want to know how I can meet other gay guys and if not have a relationship, then makes some friends. I don't know how to approach guys and I hardly have an outlet to meet any. I'm just a month shy of 21, but even then so, I'm not into the gay scene and how superficial some guys can be. I don't come off as gay at all when people meet me and I'm not really into feminine guys. I'm a good looking guy by straight standards, but I'm not sure about gay standards (not to sound ignorant, but it's a general point to make this simpler). I like to have a good time out, but I like to be intimate and stay in. How do I find someone I may be interested in or even just find some new friends to help me come out of my shell as a young gay man?

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

Well, I'm not sure if you can do this easily now, since you aren't 21, but you can always go to gay bars. Not sure you want to pick anyone up at a gay bar, but it will get you into the gay scene, and you can make gay friends who might have other gay friends, etc... (I guess there isn't necessarily anything wrong with picking up guys at bars, but my mom told me not to. :smile: ) Or, you can sign up online with dating sites and list your orientation as gay, which will then draw other gay males...

 

[Teague]

First off: congratulations!

Second: Depending on where you are located, there may be a gay / lesbian / bi / trans community center close by. If there's one within reasonable distance, I'd start there. Often, it'll host group meetings -- sometimes just social mixers, sometimes more focused.

If not, there's always the Internet.

 

[fortiesfun]

Congratulations. It is extraordinarily liberating to come out, and it sounds like you handled it extremely well.

My advice for meeting other guys is to get ahold of the alternative newspaper for your city (I think there is one there called Kaleidoscope, but I haven't read it) and look both at the advertising and the listings of gay related meetings and events. (Bears have the best events, by the way, and they would love a hot cub!) The less superficial types tend to be joiners and they have lots of stuff you could attend to get to know others. Getting involved in a deeper way gets you in touch with lots of gay men fast. Some years I think Pride Parades, etc., are entirely organized by newbies in order to meet other newbies, but if so that is one of its best outcomes!

 

[musclebutt2]

If you are into sports, there's probably a gay team in your city regardless of sport... google it. Here's another option Adam4Adam Devel A club for gay men it's a free site and city specific; mostly for hooking up, but you can meet ppl for coffee and find out where other homo's hang out.

If you are muscular, another good site is 21 which has other sister sites that will be sure to fit your needs. Also free. Oh yeah, they have a linked sister site specifically for college aged guys, you should check it out. More a social site than hook up.

Check out Gay.com for online chatting or MANHUNT.net for hooking up and use a damn condom ALWAYS. Don't believe anything anyone tells you and fuck as if everybody were Hiv positive. Guys lie, don't know, or never got tested or are just plain scumbags who infect other people on purpose out of sheer spite. Don't become a statistic.

Troll Craigslist under Strictly Platonic or M4M ... usually gay mothering instincts will come out if you are up front about being newly out; of course, there will be the loser weirdos as well.

Sign up for a course at your community college if you aren't already at a University. Not to generalize, but creative/artsy/literature/motorcycle repair topics are popular. Remember, you're not there to get laid... just network to make new gay friends. Most campuses will have a Gay/Str8 alliance club you can join.

I can't imagine it being that difficult to meet someone in Milwaukee, but you are pretty darn young. Many people meet over drinks, but the point is to get yourself out there; nothing beats meeting people in person. Don't use your computer and the internet as an excuse from real human interaction or you WILL get burned. Explore your sexuality and have fun. You will probably go through a slut phase for a few months but it will pass; don't live with regrets and learn from your experiences. Best of luck to you!

PS If you have any specific questions feel free to ask the board or PM me if you like. I am not a licensed counselor or mental health worker, but I can provide a sympathetic shoulder if you need to chat. Again, don't believe everything you hear and do your own research if something feels amiss. Educate yourself and you will do fine.

 

[Dave NoCal]

Congratulations on making a decision that feels right and for having supportive friends and family. Your way of presenting yourself probably has a lot to do with teh positive and supportive responses you have gotten. Musclebutt's suggestions are excellent. Try to involve yourself in some things that area about growing, helping, learning and not just about hooking up. That way you get a chance to know guys before becoming vulnerable. You will only have one first love. Pick mindfully. ALWAYS use a condom.
Dave

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

I jsut signed up for Gay.com, and i'll warn anyone who thinks about it - you get auto logged into a chat program which assaults you with messages from bots.

I had about 15 chat windows open, all just saying random things at me, not one of them was actually a person.

 

[feznavj29]

I just want to say thank you to everyone for the comments they left. They all seem to be really good ideas, and now that the summer is about to kick off, I think it may be easier to actually go out and explore the gay community. I'll be sure to keep you posted on my progress in the future.

 

[Matthew]

I'm not into the gay scene and how superficial some guys can be. I don't come off as gay at all when people meet me and I'm not really into feminine guys.

I hear guys say this all the time, and to some degree, I can identify with it myself. But be careful not to let the outside world's perception, as well as a few visibly famboyant guys, color your view of what the gay community can mean. The fact that I've heard so many guys express this shows that there are a lot more guys out there like you. By avoiding what you perceive to be "the gay scene," you may miss the chance to meet some really good and/or sexy people.

"The gay scene" in reality is not just a couple bars, it can encompass all sorts of community and social events for the widest possible variety of interests and types of people. Go get your feet wet and check some out! You may find stuff you don't like, and that's OK - you're not committed to stick with anything. And remember - dropping by a bar or other place where there are flaming queens doesn't mean you're going to pick up their mannerisms.:wink: But you might make some connections to people you want to know better.

I know Milwaukee has a good gay community, but if it feels a little stifling or scary to break into, just go down to Chicago for a weekend and check things out. There you'll find even a wider diversity of stuff gay folks are into, and sometimes getting away from home gives you a little extra courage to jump into things.

Good luck!

 

[musclebutt2]

I jsut signed up for Gay.com, and i'll warn anyone who thinks about it - you get auto logged into a chat program which assaults you with messages from bots.

I had about 15 chat windows open, all just saying random things at me, not one of them was actually a person.

Bummer about that, I haven't used their chat in over 3 years. I guess things have deteriorated. However, I still ocassionaly go to Gay.com to check out their headlines/news page... it focuses on gay specific news and helps me stay in touch about wordlwide events affecting our community; stuff that the general news media doesn't report on....

"just go down to Chicago for a weekend and check things out. There you'll find even a wider diversity of stuff gay folks are into, and sometimes getting away from home gives you a little extra courage to jump into things."

That's a great idea, a friend of mine also once told me that Chicago guys are more relationship oriented and know how to maintain them. That might be total BS, but I get the general feeling that Midwest folx have more of a nesting instinct than SF or NYC homos. Don't forget to work the "New Meat" angle boy, it won't last but enjoy it while you can!


"I don't come off as gay at all when people meet me and I'm not really into feminine guys. "

I have issues about the internalized homophobia within the gay community, but that's a different thread. Please do not be so quick in dismissing effeminate or flamboyant gay men. I understand that you do not find them sexually attractive; however, by not even attempting to make friends with them you are doing yourself a great disservice. I have found that flamboyant characters usually have a HUGE social network and are busy bodies with loads and loads of friends. They probably know what's going on about the local scene if not your grandmother's churchgroup meeting, and are fun to hang with. Fuck the "guilt by association" fear; you don't want to know such close minded people anyways. Queenie guys tend to be stronger than the rest because they've had to deal with a lot more discrimination and shit from society, looks can be deceiving and you might be suprised who you can turn to in times of need. Those are my observations because I tend to be a rather quiet homebody. Many times my more gregarious friends DRAG my ass out and force me to socialize, and you know what? I'm glad they do because I can't tell you the amount of times I've met someone new or started dating a great guy because of it. Since you are so masculine (note I didn't use the misnomer "str8-acting") and under the radar, you have to assume the risk and make the first step in introducing yourself; otherwise, how are fags going to know that you are a fellow 'mo? Despite popular belief, gays don't go out recruiting and harassing every het breeder within the vicinity. Food for thought.

If worst comes to worst and you strike out in making gay friends, the last resort is... calling up an ex-girlfriend or some outgoing female friend of yours that you are on good terms with and ask her to be your wingman. I can't tell you how important a good fag-hag is to a socialy inept queer. Only one caveat emptor, if she falls in love with you break up with her immediately; otherwise, she will ruin any chance you have from dating a good man. That might sound cruel, but it's best for both of you in the long run.

 

[davidjh7]

You have had some great advice, and I don't have a lot to add, but the fact that you are young and attractive will get you noticed. One of the first steps you can do, is find the "gay ghetto" in Milwaukii--most larger cities have them--the "gay" area of town. Just get comfortable in the area, and just look around, strike up random conversations in bookstores, shops, etc. If you see someone who strikes your interest, don't be afraid to say hello--and SMILE! not psycho smile, but friendly and open--it shws you are open to contact. Any contact starts with "Hello", and often, if you have a connection with someone, that is all the opening you need. If the guy turns away, or is standoffish, smile, say goodbye, and move on. Even if these random brief encounters don;t lead you anywhere, they WILL give you practice meeting and talking with guys. Finding someone you can connect with, and have a good relationship with, is a crapshoot, and mostly luck. THis is true whether you are gay or straight. Meeting compatable people is pretty much the same. If you developed people skills while "straight", the same skills apply. You greet, and chit chat with people customers you never met before, all day. Granted, you can't become involved with them, or delve too deep---but you DO know how to be friendly and open, or else you wouldn;t be in a customer service position--you'd drive customers away. THe SAME SKILLS apply. Just be as social as you can with as many groups of people as you can. THis improves your odds considerably. If you have a hobby, find a group that is into that hobby or interest. Remember, we are EVERYWHERE doing EVERYTHING! WHat gets you excited about life? FInd others who share that interest, and you will likely find some other gay guys who share it, and THAT can give you an excellant start to a relationship. GOod luck, and congratulations on coming out to YOURSELF--that is the only person youultimately HAVE to come out to--the rest are for YOU.

 

[Kimahri]

Congratulations on coming out. It is a good feeling to not have to hide it anymore. Be careful as you learn about being gay though. A coupe of people have suggested some gay sites, but you can't be sure of what you're getting yourself into on them. I'd sign up gay.com and just talk to people and see if you can get a feel (no pun intended) for the people there. Don't rush into anything just because you want to experience something. It'd be nice if you could meet someone you already know to try something, but we know how unlikely that can be.

There are plenty of good gay guys on here. Talk to one of us if you get lost or confused. This can be a very exciting time ( I came out at the same age ), but take your time with it.

 

[feznavj29]

"I don't come off as gay at all when people meet me and I'm not really into feminine guys. "

Yeah, sorry about that, that came out wrong. I have had a few gay friends and they were very flamboyant. What I really meant is that I'm not attracted to them, but I have no problem with being friends with them. That's the ultimate comfort, to be around a person that knows who they are and don't care how they act, it's just who they are, ya know? I don't speak to those guys anymore, they've all moved away to college and I only get to see them when they come back to town in the summer.

"just go down to Chicago for a weekend and check things out. There you'll find even a wider diversity of stuff gay folks are into, and sometimes getting away from home gives you a little extra courage to jump into things."

I do have a friend that lives in Chicago and he's really out and open now. He was in the closet in high school, but as soon as he stepped foot in that city, he came out of his shell and is involved with a lot of gay activities. I'm waiting for him to call back so maybe he could help me explore a bit.

All of these suggestions are so useful. I just want to say thanks to everyone again