Oh the Drama my Family Creates

naughty

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HI,

I am a hetero female and this open discussion is fabulous. I can relate in that one of my best friends in HIgh school almost had a breakdown when she was coming into her own in our senior year. IT wasnt until years later that I found out that she had a crush on a mutual friend and was the recipient of the most resounding and nasty rebuff imaginable. None of this had been discussed with me but I saw the disolution of our tight knit group of friends. Being a teen is hard enough I can not even begin to imagine what the added strain of struggling to find a way to express ones sexuality when it is not readily accepted by those around him.
 

STYLYUNG

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Gabrial, encourage him to date nice girls for school and church functions. He just might find that he is a bi-sexual person. He might find that he could react to a lovely female as well as his first love who is male. I am sure that there are married bi-sexual men in this forum that have sired children. Raising those children is an experience that they would not have wanted to miss. Your nephew is still very young at eighteen and fatherhood possibilities should be in the near-distant future for him if it is going to happen at all. By the time he is out of college, he is going to meet a lot of people in a lot of different situations. He just might surprise himself and his favorite uncle. I hope so. :smile:
 

dolf250

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I have only one little thing to add in addition to the rest of the great advice already offered. I would tell him that most of the issues he has mentioned would be the same weather straight or gay. With the possible exception of weather or not the family will accept him unconditionally (but you can probably offer some indication from your own experience.)
As for having a crush and being rejected; it happens all the time to a straight guy. Worried about not having children? I am getting older and worry that I will grow old without the joy of children, grandchildren and a caring extended family. Finally, worried about not finding his “true love?” Oh, OOOh, pick me! I am starting to think I was meant to be alone.
I do not know for certain that it will help at all, but you may want to assure him that most of the issues he is worried about regarding life and love are shared by ALL of us. I know that there are some difficulties faced exclusively by gay or bisexual men, but the ones he is worried about are universal.
 

chrisj428

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Gabriel,

To say you are undertaking saints' work (even if it was dropped in your lap) would be an understatement. I "third" the comment on how I wish I'd had someone like you in my family when I was going through those same emotions.

I'm a firm believer in the "it doesn't get easier" approach, but now's not the time for that with your nephew.

As for the "coming out" portion of your dialog, let him know how brave you think he is in sharing that with you and that it hasn't changed your relationship with him. There are going to be many many things that seemed "constant" to him up until now that will no longer be. However, he needs to know that, as far as the relationship between the two of you is concerned, that nothing's changed and you're still his uncle, friend, confidant and excellent source of information and acceptance you've always been.

Regarding the "best friend" scenario, I went through that a year and a half ago at 33 with a best friend who woke up one day & decided he wasn't gay anymore. Now, while I could go in 6,200 different directions as to the "whys" and "hows" of that, the important thing is that I learned something from it. He should be aware that, no matter how this ends up between the two of them, the experience has made him stronger, and if he learned something from it, whatever sacrifice or loss that came out of it will be worthwhile in the long run.

(As an aside, I went to a very small, private boarding school for grades 9-12. Even taking into account the homesickness, tears, tribulations and "wounds", the experience has transformed me into the strong, self-assured and upstanding person I see myself as today and, given the opportunity, I wouldn't change a minute of it.)

Lastly, and most importantly: 18-year olds tend to be short-sighted. Remind him that, no matter what, there's time. There's time for relationships. There's time to make mistakes. There's time to heal. There's time to rejoice. There's time to find the "right one". (Hell, there's time to find the next "right one" and, hopefully (in my case) the "right one" after that.) And, when he's ready, there will be time for kids. Probably even ones from his own loins (geez that sounds cheesy, but it works). Tell him he can work that out later. Have fun, enjoy life and be safe now. :)

Best of luck to you, Gabriel. My heart and prayers go out to you & your nephew!

Chris

P.S. I came to realize about 12 years ago that (a) Things happen for a reason and (b) I'm on this planet for a purpose. Quickly: If a relationship had gone the way I wanted it to instead of the way it did, I would have died in a sightseeing plane crash over the Aegean Sea. And, one of these days, G-d or (insert omniscient deity of your choice here) will let me in on the big secret as to why I'm here. Until then, I've narrowed it down to one of two choices. Either I'm here for the entertainment value or I'm here to serve as a warning to others as to how not to run their lives. :wink:
 

yhtang

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Gabriel,

I cannot add anything to what the others had said already. So many had offered so much wisdom, I feel happy for you that so many had cared enough to take the effort to compose their thoughts and post them here.

For my part, I can only say that I recognise it is a difficult path you are treading and I would not want to be in your shoes right now.

Please take care of yourself and do not allow this burden to overly trouble you. Your nephew needs your trust and guidance at this moment; he needs to SEE that you have the wisdom (which I am sure you do) to help him through this period. He need to see and FEEL your calmness and understanding. So take care of yourself and your health - your nephew needs you.

My best wishes to you and your nephew.
 

davidjh7

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THere has been so muh great advice already, I can't really add much else useful--price of coming to the party late...:smile:. Having been suicidal while in my teens over the gay issue, and to this day having my one real regret at being gay as not getting to be a father (yes, I know the arguments pro and con, but that''s another issue), I can tell you that the very best thing you can do is just BE there for him, like you are. He knows he isn;t alone in this, and doesn;t have to be, and that there is someone who cares and understands. Be a sounding board, offer up your own experiences that re appropriate to his struggles, be a shoulder to cry on, and just keep doing what you are doing. Suicide happens when someone feels there is no other way out. It happens, usually, not because people WANT to die. THey just can't, and can't see other options. As long as people can see options, they are less likely to take the last escape. As others have said, you have already done more for him than you will ever realize. Remind him that no matter how bad things can get, everything cycles in time...that he will love many many people in his life, some of whom won't love him back. But many who will. And that others will love him, or already have, who he hasn't, or cannot love. This situation is true for EVERYBODY. That fact doesn;t make it any better, but knowing that it is what everybody goes through, and most survive, does seem to help a bit. Good luck, and thanks for being there for him! May all the struggling young gay men be so lucky as to have someone like you in their lives!
 

healthycircumcision

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Dear Brother, I`m sure your nephew trusts you ,that`s why he revealed his innate gay inclination.Tell him ,there`s nothing to be ashamed of,since he is not hurting nor offending anyone.moreover,assure him,that a lot of prominent men were gay like:Napoleon bonapare,Michael Angelo,be sure,he won`t make love to you.
 

D_Coyne Toss

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The subject is so delicate that i am afraid to give you any advice. The only one i have is to stay close to your nephew, because he is in a very dangerous point of his life.

Everybody has growing pains, and i think that for guys or girls that on that age understand to be attracted to the same sex they are even stonger. Moreover, loving a person who does not love you is like a knife penetrating your heart.

I am sure he needs a trustworthy friend to support him while he continues the road to discover himslef, and to face the world if he decides to (or happen to be) not the person the world expected him to be.

Keep us informed, and good luck to your friend.