Oil Change Instructions

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Principessa, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Oil Change Instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches3000 miles since the last oil change..

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


    Money spent:

    Oil Change: $20.00
    Coffee: $1.00
    Total: $21.00

    =========================

    Oil Change Instructions forMen:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine..

    8] Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    18] Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    21) Drink beer.

    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

    25) Begin cussing fit.

    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

    28] Beer.

    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    30) Beer.

    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    32) Beer.

    33) Lower car from jack stands.

    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

    35) Beer.

    36) Test drive car.

    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    38] Car gets impounded.

    39) Call loving wife, make bail..

    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


    Money spent:


    Parts: $50.00
    DUI: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total: $4,145.00
    But you know the job was done right!


    =======================================

    Minus the DUI, I used to to date that guy. :rofl:
     
  2. D_98yrgf

    D_98yrgf Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    minus the DUI and substitute patient male partner for wife, and I'm that guy.
     
  3. yngjock20

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2006
    Messages:
    4,203
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    147
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Other Valley
    ...what if you relate more to the first set of instructions?


    Lol.
     
  4. Mandee

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    2
    lol what if you forget to check your oil and you run out and drop the engine block... oops.
     
  5. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
    Then you're gay; but you knew that already. :tongue:

    Eeekk! I seized the engine in my mom's first Benz. :redface: It was an accident I bottomed out in it and scraped the oil pan.


     
  6. Mandee

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2007
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    2
    lol yeah. My dad wasn't happy. But it was a really old car and it needed work anyway... so it wasn't a big loss.
     
  7. bigboy9239

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2006
    Messages:
    7,569
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    159
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In the City close to NJ and Delaware
    Hey..pretty close...except I NEVER drink and work on machinery!! It's funny...I used to have a drag race car and built racing engines....I ALWAYS did this kind of stuff myself. But for the last 4 years or so, I take it to Jiffy Lube or one their competitors. Can't beat the savings...even doing it yourself!! I find it so odd that they can do it cheaper!!!
     
Draft saved Draft deleted