Ok, I'll say it. I'm ashamed to be Gay.

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Rikter8, Feb 2, 2008.

  1. Rikter8

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    There are many guys out there that are out and proud, and to them I commend their efforts and strength.

    But for whatever reason, I am just ashamed of my orientation.
    I don't really know why, but I work so hard to conceal it...and it's becoming more and more difficult.

    Today, I was at work, and working side by side of a co-worker. He's married, and good looking... well I glanced at his butt while another co-worker was watching me...and I felt the curtain of shame and embarrasment flood my face as I was caught looking at his butt.
    Not a word was spoken...and I tried to conceal it my best by averting attention to a seeming problem of what we were working on.

    I know that there's really nothing wrong with being Gay, but I just can't seem to accept it.
    I just turned 30, so I'm having somewhat of a mid-life crisis of being alone, not accepted, and not having a solid relationship with anyone
    There must be others out there like me.

    What do you do, or have you done for positive reinforcement of your sexuality, and self acceptance?
     
  2. cristina69

    cristina69 New Member

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    Awwwwwwww Its OK! <3 We Love Ya No Matter Who Ya Are =)
     
  3. Rugbypup

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    Im in the same boat. You are not alone.
     
  4. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    You'll get over it.
    I think age seems to be a factor, tho. As you grow older, you will begin to care less about other's judgement and just be happy for the time you have left to be true to yourself.
     
  5. shinato

    shinato New Member

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    everyone comes to accept themselves sooner or later. so have no fears. you may feel bad about yourself now but in time you'll learn to accept yourself for whoever you are. i think we all suffered this at some point. i know my teen years were hell. no matter what age it comes at though we all learn to love ourselves.
     
  6. Domisoldo

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    Stick: Self-hatred is universally loathed.

    Carrot: Although straight men outnumber gay ones, there are millions of us out there and thousands in your ZIP code alone. Believe me, there must be at least one gay dude who can serve as your role model...especially if you're only interested in looking at his bottom...I can give you my gym's address, I see plenty of very nicely-chiseled gay dudes bare-ass there every night, and some of them are Ivy League material, yup!
     
  7. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    You know, R8... I think people conceal their orientation due to the fact that it's STILL not socially acceptable to be gay all over the world. We all want to be liked.... and I imagine it would be very hard to do that when people have a hard time about it.

    I think the only way you can learn to accept it, is to just keep on working on it. Do you have many Homosexual friends? Perhaps a bit more experience with others in a similar boat may help you feel more comfortable?:smile:

    Since I am still unsure on my sexuality, I find that I am just working on not caring how other people feel towards me. I find that I stand up for gay rights, and quickly stop students from using the phrase ' That's gay', in hopes of opening their minds. When I catch them saying it, I spend a minute explaining how the phrase shouldn't be used as an insult. I'm just hoping that I can catch them early and open their minds.

    However, I think there are others who feel like you do, Rikter.
     
  8. ManlyBanisters

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    Rikter - not being gay I have no real insight but I do wonder if it is to do with being an 'outsider'.

    There IS nothing wrong with being gay and you know that rationally - however you are aware that there are people who perceive there to be something wrong with it and you know that in the eyes of those people you are going to be seen as something 'other'. In fact 'otherness' is more a key to it than 'wrongness' - some people just react differently to a person if they know that person to be gay. Sometimes it comes in the form of overfriendliness, or something silly like an assumption that you wish to be addressed as girlfriend (or that it is OK for them to do that) - sometimes it is hostile.

    The thing is, those reactions are not your problem and you cannot fix them. They are unpleasant for you and you should not have to go through it but they are not in your control. The only thing you can do is just carry on and be yourself. Some people adjust the the discomfort of being 'other' quicker, some slower.

    You shouldn't be ashamed because there is nothing wrong and you know it. The people who react differently to someone based on sexuality are the ones who should be ashamed. There is no quick fix for this. Growing a thicker skin and not giving a fuck what people think is sometimes the only solution.



    That's so very helpful - considering that's got fuck all to do with the point the OP is making.
     
  9. therunningman

    therunningman New Member

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    I am not sure what part of the country you are in but isolation, lack of solid relationships, and not being accepted makes any issue very hard to deal with much less one that has so much external social baggage tied to it.

    I found a major part of accepting who I was and being ok with it involved coming out to friends and family. For the most part it was a positive experience - somewhat difficult for me to do for some of the friends/family - but in the end, the outpouring of love and support was very reassuring. As part of the process leading up to coming out to friends and family, I checked out a "coming out support group" run at the university I was attending. On many levels it was a life saver and I made friends there that I still have to this day. We bonded very deeply dealing with our issues of self loathing, fears, insecurities, family issues with being gay. I know everyone in that group that is still a part of my life feels the same way. Over the course of two semesters over tears, anger, yelling, etc, we helped each other work through our issues and become better LGBT people. I encourage you to find a similar group even if it means driving hours to do it (assuming you're in a more rural remote area).

    If one is not around, I encourage you to find an LGBT supportive therapist you can talk to about your issues. IMHO, age does tend to help one mellow out and accept themselves but at the age of 30 you might need more help doing it and there is nothing wrong with seeking out someone to help you.

    If you have gay friends you can reach out to, I encourage you to do that also. I've found there are some things they understand that your straight friends might not. You might also be surprise to find that they face similar struggles and talking about it can really help bring a "load off your chest".

    I hope this advice helps you. Hugs.
     
  10. Osiris

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    I am sure you are not alone and I agree that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

    It took my older brother years to get over this, but it was the love and support of those close to him that made it possible. Don't be ashamed to loko, just maybe be a bit more discreet in this age of sexual harrassment. A persons sexuality is a deeply personal thing and when you add so much media hype to gay issues, it takes on a whole new level of stigma.

    Like MB, not being gay, I can't fully understand what you are going through, but I can tell you that you would be welcomed amongst my circle of friends as we judge people by who they are and not who they love, gay or not.

    I hope you find your personal acceptance of who you are and know you are beautiful in your own right.
     
  11. Lex

    Lex
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    R8--when I first figured out I was gay--it was rather scary. Its one of those things that some can and do hide. I Could never hide that I was Black and have had to deal with the positive and negative stereotypes that come with both. Having gone through the struggle of the AfAm experienced helped me to decide to be prideful in who I am as a person: a gay man who is also African American.

    I am not totally out but I am not closeted either. My BF and I live together, we shop together, go out to dinner (with and without the kids), call each other babe in public, etc. I take the position that I should not treat it as if it is a big deal, so that others will not treat it as if it is a big deal.

    It took me a long time to learn to love myself enough to have the self-confidence to BE myself. Then I figured out I was gay and had to rebuild my sense of esteem and self-love all over again. It's not easy, as we have chatted about. It is, however, rewarding.

    I can tell you this: once you truly love yourself, inside and out-- you will not care as much about what people say about you and you will also not let anyone treat you in a way you feel is undeserving.

    I hope you can find yourself in that happy place one day, R8--really I do. And if I can help in any way, you know how to find me.

    Love you man!
    This is a good way to be and standing up for gay rights does not have to mean that someone IS gay. Baby steps.
     
  12. Whopper-lee

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    Hey man...don't be so hard on yourself...YOU ARE YOU and a good man for being so...
    May I invite you to read my blog comment posted today under the topic/thread= (What Makes you a Man)What makes a boy an Man...the same applies to What makes a good man...if you're so in doubt....it's not long and still now showing on broad...2-2-08... Read the post man...may help with some insight.

    Be Safe, Be Careful, and Enjoy Life!
     
  13. Rikter8

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    I do have many gay friends. They are more "Free souls" if you will.
    I love em to pieces...but I feel very uncomfortable at times in there presence.....and i know that's wrong to think that...but I do.

    I often question my sexuality even though I oogle over guys.
    I have the commonality of taste with men as my friends, but It's like im separate from the gay community. A close neighbor, however not really living "In the town". Like the neighbor nobody really understands, but keeps to himself.
    There are very few that enjoy the hobbies and interests that I do, and it seems I'm one man on an empty island.

    Not sure what the dealy is with Christina..but I took it as a compliment, so thank you.
     
  14. Mem

    Mem
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    I accepted being gay since my early teens, I did not act on it until my early 20's. That is when I started going to gay clubs and having sex with guys.

    What's to accept? It is who you are, you did not choose it.

    It is hard. I feel the stigma that society puts on us.

    The thing is that I am not ashamed of myself. I hope that you can find that one day too.
     
  15. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    Quit being a pussy. You were taught to be ashamed of yourself. You've learned to disguise your gayness. You've adapted to blend into what society expects of you. It's time to stop hiding. Don't let haters control you. Toughen up and make your own rules. You don't need to be proud; just be yourself.
     
  16. visualalert

    visualalert New Member

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    Yeah, but that time may not come until you're well past your prime (case in point = moi). That time STILL hasn't come for me. I always felt guilty about it and still keep it in the closet except for a very few. All of whom are straight or not people I'd want to mess around with.

    Rikter8, I'm with you 100&#37; but I don't know how to fix it. But to take exception to ChockoKittie, you may well not get over it, or at least not in time for it to mean a rat's ass. I'm 54 and I sure as hell don't get all fired up about having sex with other 54 yr olds. Sex is about youth. In my youth, I had lots of fun experiences, but all of them short term (ranging from 1 night to a couple of years). At my age, sex is about DVDs and stimulants, and it ain't bad at all. It's sex with someone I love and it starts and stops when I choose. And no dating expenses!

    That doesn't mean you can't have a satisfying and fun life on the non-sexual side of it, which is most of my life anyway. Wish I knew what to recommend but my life experience in this regard has taught me only one lesson so far: just deal with it.

    This probably isn't a lot of help but it's all I have.
     
  17. Ethyl

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    Surround yourself with others who accept you, whether you can do that with people IRL or your friends here. Changing your perception about yourself is difficult but it's easier if you have a support system. Once I made the determination to stop caring so much about what others thought of me, life became a little easier because I could focus on other important things. I'm not gay but I have experienced resistance because of my sexuality or gender and that's the way I was able deal with it. Be kind to yourself. These things take time. Do what you know is right for yourself. Hang out here with us more. We'll give you all the positive reinforcement you want. :smile:
     
  18. visualalert

    visualalert New Member

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    Well said. Wish I'd had the balls to do that a few decades back.
     
  19. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Everybody's gotta look someplace, C. Your co-worker probably didn't think a thing of it. Surely he can't read minds.
     
  20. ActionBuddy

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    Judging from your posts here, your interests and hobbies and helpfulness in the chatroom, I can only say that you have A LOT going for you, Rikter.

    Try to find gay guys near you with the same hobbies. So many gay car clubs now, for instance.

    Google: gay men, Michigan, and your breed of dog... for example.

    For me, I came out to everyone in my life... the big surprise was how accepted I was and then how much more included I felt, from both gays and straights... and family.

    Don't hide yourself away... you will just get depressed and even more hard on yourself. Volunteer with a local gay group of interest to you. You'll meet a lot of guys with similar thoughts and interests.

    I joined the local Gay Democrats and was so happy to be in the company of gay men who were serious about the state of the union and were active about their interests... and weren't living on a bar stool. Friendly, non-judgmental, and fun pot-lucks, too!... lol.

    You aren't alone.

    Onan
     
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