Ok, I'll say it. I'm ashamed to be Gay.

[chrisj428]

There are many guys out there that are out and proud, and to them I commend their efforts and strength.

But for whatever reason, I am just ashamed of my orientation.
I don't really know why, but I work so hard to conceal it...and it's becoming more and more difficult.

<snip>

I know that there's really nothing wrong with being Gay, but I just can't seem to accept it.
I just turned 30, so I'm having somewhat of a mid-life crisis of being alone, not accepted, and not having a solid relationship with anyone
There must be others out there like me.

Rikter,

I really wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you, but I don't.

What I can tell you is that I understand probably as completely as one can understand another's feelings how you feel.

Oddly, my shame is internalized. When I'm with gay friends at a party or somesuch, I'm not the least bit concerned about it. However, for the rest of my life, I internalize my sexuality.

If someone asks me if I'm gay, I'll usually ask them why they want to know. In the end, I won't deny it if someone asks me. But, I'm not strong enough in my convictions to confront someone who is saying something like "That's gay", unless I'm absolutely certain there will be no negative repercussions.

This is furthered by my working in a stridently heterosexual industry. So, when everyone else is ogling a scantily-clad female customer or looking at sexually-explicit heterosexual photos, I find myself just sort of passively going with the flow, instead of voicing my true feelings. (Before all the haters show up, I want to go on the record that I don't have any issues with the female form or the display thereof -- I just don't find it sexually exciting.)

So, where does that leave me? Living in the suburbs of what is typically revered as a "gay-mecca" with a heterosexual friend 10 years my senior without a relationship. I tell myself that I'm okay with not being in a relationship because I see all the bullshit my friends go through and I'm confortable with my own company and how my job takes most of my time and I don't have the discretionary income to afford a relationship right now but, I'm starting to realize these are all defenses against the truth -- which is, at the core, I still have problems with self-confidence as it relates to being gay.

I don't know, man. You've just had a birthday (Happy Birthday, by the way) and are probably finding yourself at some sort of theoretical "junction" in terms of the next 30 years of your life. It's okay to be frightened and uncertain about your direction...it's right up there with "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, even though I'm 36..."

I'm rambling because this is a topic near and dear to me as well. All I can say is take some solace in the knowledge that someone else understands.

 

[B_lrgeggs]

That must have taken a lot of courage to post your feelings that way.
But you are not alone, there are lots of guys who feel that way...me included. But being gay is not a choice. (Dangerious sexual practices are though) And also sitting at the computer for long hours of time looking at
pornography can also be addicting. I hope that you have a more healthy venue to deal with this issue other than this website. We can only comment...the more you deal with real people..the better off you will be.
(That said, I know it can be difficult....but choose health and life...and, chances are, are will find yourself going in a more positive direction)

 

[SpeedoGuy]

I know that there's really nothing wrong with being Gay, but I just can't seem to accept it.

For whatever its worth, Rik, I think I'm safe in saying we accept you as you are.

What do you do, or have you done for positive reinforcement of your sexuality, and self acceptance?

Sexuality hasn't been a problem for me but the self acceptance one I've been working on for, say, 44 years. I have no answers.

 

[blkmwbp]

Dont Ever Be Ashamed Of Who U Are Dude...noone On Earth Can Judge Another Human We All Have Faults Remember That

 

[viking1]

Sexuality hasn't been a problem for me but the self acceptance one I've been working on for, say, 44 years. I have no answers.

Self acceptance is the hardest part. I've been working on that for 46 years, but not in relation to sexual orientation. I just can't figure out my place in things, or accept myself as I am...

 

[Lex]

R8--most people on this board are working on self-acceptance and being okay with who they are and what they have been given. You are not alone. How many guys in this site has no sense of esteem at all besides their penis? How many have to use the photos of others to feel good? How many can not stand not being the biggest? See?

I do have many gay friends. They are more "Free souls" if you will.
I love em to pieces...but I feel very uncomfortable at times in there presence.....and i know that's wrong to think that...but I do.

I have many gay brethren with whom I have very little in common. This is not strange or unusual.

There are very few that enjoy the hobbies and interests that I do, and it seems I'm one man on an empty island.

R8--lots of gay men are into cars and are mechanically inclined. I know many men who share your exact interests. There may ever be clubs in your area to that end.

Quit being a pussy. You were taught to be ashamed of yourself. You've learned to disguise your gayness. You've adapted to blend into what society expects of you. It's time to stop hiding. Don't let haters control you. Toughen up and make your own rules. You don't need to be proud; just be yourself.

Wow--quit being a pussy. Really? This is the exact type of neolithic thinking that holds all men hostage. This type of messages makes the false claim that we are all always strong and that we should never show emotions for fear of being seen as "weak." It is the thinking that has created a society of men who will not cry and can not express emotions (besides anger and rage) or show affection. Consider that next time you try to had on such chauvinistic, misogynistic commentary as advice or support.

 

[B_NineInchCock_160IQ]

Are you sure you're not just embarrassed about getting caught checking out a married guy's ass? I might be embarrassed if someone saw me checking out some girl's ass.... that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of my sexual orientation.

 

[shanegalang]

Hang in there. I am married and bi sexual. My wife has a son that is gay and she has always accepted him just the way he is just as I do. But he has said there was a time when he didnt want to be" out". Be who you are! Be proud and comfortable with whom you are!

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

Lots and lots and lots of good advice on here, but I don't think anyone has given you this one: don't stare at your co-workers' butts, whether you're male or female, straight or gay. If you're above them, it could get you reported to HR, your boss, sued (frivolously or not), etc. If they're above you, who knows what could happen? There are millions of asses to stare at other than your co-workers' asses. Even with your co-workers, it seems to me that one avoids staring at men's bulges and their butts, and women's breasts and butts; you can probably "get away with" staring more often and more openly at every and any other body part.

 

[penandpencil]

That must have taken a lot of courage to post your feelings that way.
But you are not alone, there are lots of guys who feel that way...me included. But being gay is not a choice. (Dangerious sexual practices are though) And also sitting at the computer for long hours of time looking at
pornography can also be addicting. I hope that you have a more healthy venue to deal with this issue other than this website. We can only comment...the more you deal with real people..the better off you will be.
(That said, I know it can be difficult....but choose health and life...and, chances are, are will find yourself going in a more positive direction)

wrong! i have found excellent advice and tons of support by reading the posts here... better than anywhere else!

 

[penandpencil]

Lots and lots and lots of good advice on here, but I don't think anyone has given you this one: don't stare at your co-workers' butts, whether you're male or female, straight or gay. If you're above them, it could get you reported to HR, your boss, sued (frivolously or not), etc. If they're above you, who knows what could happen? There are millions of asses to stare at other than your co-workers' asses. Even with your co-workers, it seems to me that one avoids staring at men's bulges and their butts, and women's breasts and butts; you can probably "get away with" staring more often and more openly at every and any other body part.

it would be so hard to prove

 

[D_Tintagel_Demondong]

Wow--quit being a pussy. Really? This is the exact type of neolithic thinking that holds all men hostage. This type of messages makes the false claim that we are all always strong and that we should never show emotions for fear of being seen as "weak." It is the thinking that has created a society of men who will not cry and can not express emotions (besides anger and rage) or show affection. Consider that next time you try to had on such chauvinistic, misogynistic commentary as advice or support.

As I mentioned, anyone who lets others dictate their behavior needs to toughen up and take charge of their life. I never mentioned anything about emotions, crying, anger, rage or whatever else you are carrying on about.

 

[naughty]

Quit being a pussy. You were taught to be ashamed of yourself. You've learned to disguise your gayness. You've adapted to blend into what society expects of you. It's time to stop hiding. Don't let haters control you. Toughen up and make your own rules. You don't need to be proud; just be yourself.

IT isnt always that simple. Depending upon ones family and where one lives people pay a very high price for being gay. RIkter * has helped me have an insight into what life is like for him as a young very masculine gay man. People can be so intolerant. Please be supportive. Each of us deals with the issues in our lives in different ways.

 

[Mem]

Quit being a pussy. You were taught to be ashamed of yourself. You've learned to disguise your gayness. You've adapted to blend into what society expects of you. It's time to stop hiding. Don't let haters control you. Toughen up and make your own rules. You don't need to be proud; just be yourself.

The way you said what you said makes you look like an asshole. You made some points that could be constructive, but you started it out very harsh.

 

[invisibleman]

There are many guys out there that are out and proud, and to them I commend their efforts and strength.

But for whatever reason, I am just ashamed of my orientation.
I don't really know why, but I work so hard to conceal it...and it's becoming more and more difficult.

Today, I was at work, and working side by side of a co-worker. He's married, and good looking... well I glanced at his butt while another co-worker was watching me...and I felt the curtain of shame and embarrasment flood my face as I was caught looking at his butt.
Not a word was spoken...and I tried to conceal it my best by averting attention to a seeming problem of what we were working on.

I know that there's really nothing wrong with being Gay, but I just can't seem to accept it.
I just turned 30, so I'm having somewhat of a mid-life crisis of being alone, not accepted, and not having a solid relationship with anyone
There must be others out there like me.

What do you do, or have you done for positive reinforcement of your sexuality, and self acceptance?

I don't think that this is a forum thread subject for everyone to decide what you should do. If you can't accept it, why is anyone else's advice going to do for you?

Every decision you make has a cross to bear and a price to pay. You can be unhappy as a gay man. Unhappy as a straight guy. I know straight guys who would love a straight woman in their lives. But they can't even get dates. That doesn't mean that they'll jump ship and date guys. I know way too many other people--men and women--who are having difficulty dating. There are no guarantees for anyone that they'll find love.

Maybe you are feeling isolated. You don't have any gay friends...or a social situation where you can meet available men. If you had some friends in your life where you can be happier. You got to get yourself out there and meet guys. People got to know that you are available.

It is hard getting a man. It is easy for some. But sometimes it is difficult. There are no guarantees in anything in this life.

Whatever you do, you decide for yourself...not for your family, not for LPSG. No one but yourself.

Be happy simply for yourself. You have to live for yourself.

 

[Rikter8]

Are you sure you're not just embarrassed about getting caught checking out a married guy's ass? I might be embarrassed if someone saw me checking out some girl's ass.... that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of my sexual orientation.

It didn't matter that he was married, just that I was looking at another mans butt at the time.

They have to know about me... they haven't said too much, and we joke alot...but it's never actually came out there...and it shouldnt.
Although...when my co-worker grabbed my crotch while at a work dinner party offsite ...and I didn't jump or flinch... That opened his eyes a bit.
(He was straight, fun loving, and very drunk, and it was for fun)

I am cautious at work in general since it's a corporate environment, but I think part of my frustration came from being caught, having to be forced to live a life that's fabricated to fit the "Norm", and turning older and getting tired of the fabrication.

My other problem is my embarrasment shows in my face quickly. Fair skinned that turns beet red...doesnt help matters much.

 

[simcha]

Rikter8,

It didn't matter that he was married, just that I was looking at another mans butt at the time.

Well, honestly, Rikter8 I have to tell you that I believe that you cannot help your natural inclinations sexually. There will be other times where you won't be able to hide things. I know. I didn't come out until I was 24. All throughout my college years I dated women. I had a steady woman for 4 years. She knew I was gay. I did too, but I didn't want to be. She loved me, I loved her. But in the end, I had to be myself and I couldn't change who I was. She found another guy and is happily married. My path has been quite different. I do have to say that after 14 years of having come out the first time, that I'm much more comfortable with my sexuality.

Oh, and coming out isn't just a one time thing. It's a life-long process. Most people don't assume I'm gay, in spite of what my Avatar shows... (It was Halloweeen :biggrin1. So, I get to choose when I allow others into that part of my life. It's almost always a choice. Sometimes it's not a choice and someone notices something that tips them off. I can deny it or I admit it. These days if someone asks, I tell them the truth. I figure if they're bold enough to ask, I can be bold enough to tell...

They have to know about me... they haven't said too much, and we joke alot...but it's never actually came out there...and it shouldnt.
Although...when my co-worker grabbed my crotch while at a work dinner party offsite ...and I didn't jump or flinch... That opened his eyes a bit.
(He was straight, fun loving, and very drunk, and it was for fun)

I find this behavior in "straight" men interesting. I put straight in quotes because if a male is grabbing another male's crotch, that's same sex sexual behavior no matter what that person's stated orientation. It would make me highly uncomfortable to be grabbed by a co-worker at a work function. If it would have been me, depending on the circumstance, I would think seriously about filing sexual harrassment charges... Then again, I don't like being grabbed when I don't want to be grabbed... I know it comes down to personality.

I am cautious at work in general since it's a corporate environment, but I think part of my frustration came from being caught, having to be forced to live a life that's fabricated to fit the "Norm", and turning older and getting tired of the fabrication.

I have ALWAYS been careful at work. Eventually people find out anyway, co-workers that is. If someone asks me what I've done with my weekend and I'm dating someone, I don't play the "pronoun game." I use "he" and I'm out, instantly. Of course, I have observed what happens to others suspected of being gay or who are out in that particular work place, calculating the risks of coming out first. This is what I mean when I say that coming out is a life-long process.

My other problem is my embarrasment shows in my face quickly. Fair skinned that turns beet red...doesnt help matters much.

Well, if you want to hide it, no, it doesn't help much.

I can't help but advise you that what's most important is for you to accept yourself as you are. What other's think is quite irrelevant, actually, in my experience. I am happiest when I've learned to love all parts of myself, even my shadow-self. All I can be is human. And a human being is a limited being subject to being limited.

I found psychotherapy to be immensely helpful at some point in accepting my own sexuality. That doesn't end either since I believe sexuality is constantly in development.

Also, having friends with whom you can be yourself because they love you unconditionally is essential to me. Yes, yes, ultimately we are all alone and must take care of ourselves. That doesn't mean I have to choose to be alone for my entire life. I can make friends and be who I am with them.

Who knows? Maybe someday you'll find a guy to date in that circle of friends. And you'll be in yet another stage of your sexual development.

Most of all, take care of yourself. It's not easy being gay in a heterosexist world. Just remember that you have plenty of company on your journey if you choose to find others on the path...

 

[frgman]

" You don't need to be proud; just be yourself"


Now that is good advice rec3000. real good advice.

 

[chrisj428]

R8--lots of gay men are into cars and are mechanically inclined. I know many men who share your exact interests. There may ever be clubs in your area to that end.

I'm a huge car nut and have done many mods on my own vehicles. (See? Lookit -- there's one! :biggrin1

 

[JustAsking]

I was an adult volunteer with a church youth group on a service project in the south with a few other churches from down south. After working for a week together painting and stuff, my team of 6 kids from different churches grew very close together.

One day we were eating lunch and one kid confessed to being gay. He felt comfortable doing it because no one in the group was from his church. It was the first time he was telling anyone outside of a few close friends. He was not so much ashamed about it but he felt disappointed. He had grown up in a small town with the American dream of a wife, kids, and a picket fence in his head and was now realizing that the dream wasn't going to quite work out.

Growing up in that small town, he didn't have any other role models but heterosexual ones, so he was pretty scared now that he figured out his orientation that his life was over. The good news was that he was going off to college the next year, so I am hoping he might have found others to build a life with.

I always remembered that day, because this kind if disappointment never occured to me, and I haven't heard anyone who was gay articulate that before that time.

I mention this because I wonder if that is part of your problem. If you are not in an area where there is any kind of gay life, part of your shame might be from the feeling that you are kind of on the outside looking in. And even if you are in such an area, maybe you haven't reconciled with it enough yet to adjust your dreams to a different kind of life.

Finally, I would like to reinforce the comments that others made about gay shame being something that you may have learned from the homophobia around you. Lord knows that all of have enough trouble with self-esteem without having to reconcile a secret life that others might be offended by if they found out about it. I hope you find a way past this and into the light where you can be free and proud of what you are and what you can be.