- Joined
- Jun 7, 2004
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- Location
- Round Lake (Illinois, United States)
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- Sexuality
- 99% Gay, 1% Straight
- Gender
- Male
There are many guys out there that are out and proud, and to them I commend their efforts and strength.
But for whatever reason, I am just ashamed of my orientation.
I don't really know why, but I work so hard to conceal it...and it's becoming more and more difficult.
<snip>
I know that there's really nothing wrong with being Gay, but I just can't seem to accept it.
I just turned 30, so I'm having somewhat of a mid-life crisis of being alone, not accepted, and not having a solid relationship with anyone
There must be others out there like me.
Rikter,
I really wish I had some words of wisdom to offer you, but I don't.
What I can tell you is that I understand probably as completely as one can understand another's feelings how you feel.
Oddly, my shame is internalized. When I'm with gay friends at a party or somesuch, I'm not the least bit concerned about it. However, for the rest of my life, I internalize my sexuality.
If someone asks me if I'm gay, I'll usually ask them why they want to know. In the end, I won't deny it if someone asks me. But, I'm not strong enough in my convictions to confront someone who is saying something like "That's gay", unless I'm absolutely certain there will be no negative repercussions.
This is furthered by my working in a stridently heterosexual industry. So, when everyone else is ogling a scantily-clad female customer or looking at sexually-explicit heterosexual photos, I find myself just sort of passively going with the flow, instead of voicing my true feelings. (Before all the haters show up, I want to go on the record that I don't have any issues with the female form or the display thereof -- I just don't find it sexually exciting.)
So, where does that leave me? Living in the suburbs of what is typically revered as a "gay-mecca" with a heterosexual friend 10 years my senior without a relationship. I tell myself that I'm okay with not being in a relationship because I see all the bullshit my friends go through and I'm confortable with my own company and how my job takes most of my time and I don't have the discretionary income to afford a relationship right now but, I'm starting to realize these are all defenses against the truth -- which is, at the core, I still have problems with self-confidence as it relates to being gay.
I don't know, man. You've just had a birthday (Happy Birthday, by the way) and are probably finding yourself at some sort of theoretical "junction" in terms of the next 30 years of your life. It's okay to be frightened and uncertain about your direction...it's right up there with "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, even though I'm 36..."
I'm rambling because this is a topic near and dear to me as well. All I can say is take some solace in the knowledge that someone else understands.