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Ok...so i think i'm finally going to tell him!

tommy3

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ok so some may remember that I slept with my best friend, but the issue was we were drunk and I think he didn't remember or at least he was making out he didn't remember. this was about 6 months ago now and I waiting to see if this would happen again but no luck!

I've tried flirting with him a lot but nothing. If fact I feel like he's pushing me away, like on nights out he hangs with me abit but then will always be taking selfies and picture with our other male mates, he hugs them goodbye and just usual hugs and saying nice things to them. I don't get any of this, like I feel so left out and I'm the one craving for this affection! Do you think he's doing it on purpose? He seems to be overly flirty with other girls, esp when he's drunk, like if any girl gives him attention then he guns for them. Like one example is he randomly started talking to this girl on a night out and they would text and snog when they saw each other. He invited her over to his house to watch films but did nothing, made no moves with her or gave her any affection at all. As soon as she went home he ended it with her. This was the only time he was sober with her so I was thinking maybe he's trying to convince himself he's not gay or like lads when he's drunk by kissing any girl who would give him attention but when he's sober he realises he's not attracted to girls at all. He's all over two girls in our friendship group but I think the same applies to them.

So basically I'm completely head over heals for him. I'm always upset that he gives me no attention and seeing him with other girls just crushes me! We were chatting to some friends not long ago and they said you's look like a gay couple the way you act, he said nothing, didn't correct them or make a comment. I was like I wish haha! I didn't say that out load.

I really want to tell him how I feel, even if I fuck up the friendship. I just can't go on feeling like this anymore. At new years at 12 he wished everyone a happy new year, hugged them, like what you'd usually do at 12 on New Years but he walked right pass me, didn't say anything and went to see other friends. I was so upset!!! Like I wanted to cry right there and then!

Should I tell him how I feel? We do consider each other best mates, well I thought we did anyway! Should I tell him we have slept together?

Help please!!
 
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I am one who likes a drama free life, a simple life. You had a great encounter when you were drunk, and not he either does not remember (which I doubt) or he wants to pretend it did not happen (most likely). Meanwhile you have strong feelings from him and are hoping things move towards a relationship of some kind. Totally understandable. I think too you are correct he does not wish to be honest with himself about who he is and what he wants.

It is a tough place to be.

It is risky but I would set him down privately, with no booze around and tell him what's on your mind. He may appear to be shocked, but from what you write I think he has a good idea of where you are. Hearing it may persuade him to move forward - if you are prepared to move slowly - or to pull away. There is no way to know and no guarantees you will get the outcome you want, but at least you will have an idea of where he really is. Move on from there.
 
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italiano117

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Be careful not to scare him away. He probably does remember what happened but is not ready to come out. It sounds like you have very strong feelings for him and it is possible you're reading too much into his actions (or lack of) or even expecting too much from him. If people are commenting on your relationship, there's an ostensible closeness there for others to see. He might already know how you feel about him and is not comfortable with it so is less emotional with you in public, especially if people are saying you look like a couple.

The first step is probably for you to be comfortable enough to come out to him. Telling him you love him and slept with him will probably just scare him away at the time you need him the most. Tell him how important he is to you as a friend and you don't want your sexuality to affect that. Hopefully your honesty with him will allow him to talk to you about his feelings and what has happened in the past when he is ready. In the meantime, try not to read too much into his actions and get yourself down about it. Appreciate what you have with him even if it is not everything you hoped for (coming from someone who has lost a best friend in different circumstances).

Good luck with whatever you decide.
 

jao34

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Wowww tough place to be.

Good advice from italino. You also have to ask yourself if telling him your feelings now is important enough to damage the friendship or if it can wait until he is ready to talk about it? One way you lose everything you've built over the years but you've gotten it off your chest and can move on, the other you have to suffer in silence for a while but the potential exists for a relationship (though this may take a long time if ever at all)

It's a hard one but I also wish you the best..and let us know what you eventually decide ;)
 
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bwhip1011

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No, Tommy. Just slow down and as hard as it may be back off for a bit. You're putting way too much pressure on him, not to mention on yourself. Not sure how old you are and certainly don't want to make any assumptions, but when I was in my early 20s I'd had similar experiences. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he wasn't reciprocating with me. It made me twisted and wanted to be drunk all the time to try and flush it away. If it's not there then it's not there. You won't be able to woosh a relationship into existence that isn't what you want it to be. With that being said, maybe it is there and will develop over time. Be patient and treat yourself well. I know he's comfortable, but you never know who you might find that's even more inviting and comfortable. God! I feel like "Dear Abby", kinda look like her now, too!. Seriously, though switch the focus back to you.
 

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He surely remembers what happened between you that drunken night, and he is likely at least somewhat aware that you want more from him.

No conversation is needed. His actions are already telling you unmistakably where he does and does not want this to go. He is establishing very clear boundaries.

Accept the friendship he is willing to offer and look for romantic fulfillment elsewhere. You won't be getting it from him. If you force the situation, then you will lose the relationship you have with him now.
 

nicecircjob

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Sorry but I think he's ignoring you because he isn't interested. I know this hurts, but it takes two to tango. Keep your eye out for someone one else. Maybe when he sees you shopping for someone else it might jolt him to action, maybe, maybe not.
Best of luck.
 

rick65

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It’s time for you to move on. This isn’t going to go anywhere. You need to establish other interests for yourself that don’t include him. This is the healthiest route for you and maybe for him too. There are other guys out there just waiting for a guy like you come along, you just need to take your eyes off him and start looking in the other direction. I’ve been in your place and this is the best outcome. Thirty or forty years from now you’ll be saying “what the hell was I thinking”. Wishing you the best of luck in life.
 

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No, Tommy. Just slow down and as hard as it may be back off for a bit. You're putting way too much pressure on him, not to mention on yourself. Not sure how old you are and certainly don't want to make any assumptions, but when I was in my early 20s I'd had similar experiences. I just couldn't wrap my head around why he wasn't reciprocating with me. It made me twisted and wanted to be drunk all the time to try and flush it away. If it's not there then it's not there. You won't be able to woosh a relationship into existence that isn't what you want it to be. With that being said, maybe it is there and will develop over time. Be patient and treat yourself well. I know he's comfortable, but you never know who you might find that's even more inviting and comfortable. God! I feel like "Dear Abby", kinda look like her now, too!. Seriously, though switch the focus back to you.


This is good advice-
When we're here are two people involved in any situation there are two sides.

I think he has spoken pretty loud. He doesn't want a relationship with you. It's not about him coming out of the closet etc etc.

What happened here was a typical one night stand. That doesn't make it ok that he had this experience with a friend in circle- that was purely drunken bad judgement!
 
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KennF

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Ok, I do recall the late night, drunk, the conversations from back in Jun and Oct.

I think, maybe, that you've gone further along than he is and may falling in love with what you hope for, than what is really there.

You two had sex. He was in denial back then. You wanted more, and were coping with feelings of jealousy when he had women hanging on his arm. You tried to be a great friend and be there for him, and now, at New Years, he doesn't even want to wish you a Happy 2016.

Clear enough messaging. He wants to remain in denial. There is no way that he didn't know you were there. There is no way that he accidently missed wishing you a Happy 2016.

He is hoping that the conflict within him will go away. In order for that to happen, he must excise you from his life. He can't do that opening without confronting his own actions/emotions, so he is ghosting. He has pulled away sufficiently to send a message to you.

Your choice now... a) confront him and deal with the consequences; b) accept his message and write him out of your life in order to move on; c) accept his message and just be casual friends. I don't see you becoming close friends with the white elephant in the room between you two.

Personally, I don't know how much you two are communicating and feeling towards each other. And I doesn't sound like you two are close enough or had enough encounters to attempt a relationship worth it, but that choice, is yours. So, I would probably recommend that you move on.
 

biguyli23

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Gay, straight or bi doesn't matter too much here. At least in my personal opinion. The fact is once you tell a friend you have feelings for them, you can never 'unsay' it. The relationship will change. Maybe for the better, maybe worse. I've gambled and said things to friends both male and female over the years, I'm now 34. If you must say something, just be prepared for worst case scenario and maybe you end up pleasantly surprised. Best of luck