Ok to ask if he’s transgender?

[Capt Hook]

There’s a guy I’ve been trying to hook up with at my gym sauna. I suspect he is ftm trans. I go to a gym with open showers and he’s grabbed my cock there before when we’ve showered together, and have tried to make something happen in the steam room but the timing hasn’t been right. The thing is, I’ve shown him my dick a lot, but he never shows me his and goes to great lengths to cover himself when he’s showering or putting on his towel. Also in the steam room he never grabs his dick to get himself hard.

I have a hard time believing he’s that shy about his dick after our experiences together or that he’s such an extreme bottom. Also we have been seeing each other at another location of our gym that has shower stalls where we’ve showered kiddy corner to each other and he’s watched me through our open curtains, but again he never lets me see the front side of his body.

I’m totally OK with him being a trans guy. He is still a sexy dude to me either way. So it wouldn’t change much for me to have a confirmation from him. But I’m wondering if it would be OK for me to ask if he’s trans anyways, so I can let him know that I’m OK with it and he doesn’t have to be so careful around me about trying to hide himself.

 

[thewatcherlol]

Super late but I think its always alright to ask as long as you're respectful (which you clearly are) .

 

[Jon1971]

I'd never ask because it doesn't make a difference, but sometimes my curiosity is activated. There's a clerk at one of my local grocery stores. A burly young ginger man with a curly beard, I'd guess he's probably mid to late 20s. His name tag says Vivian.

 

[JSS.JLk]

To your "Is it ok to ask if he is Transgender ?"

To that, especially me BEING Transgender, I would say NO. Here is my reason on why.

Do you seriously NEED to know if they are? Meaning, wether or not if you know, will or does it make a difference in your life? Are you attracted to this person? If any of these are 'No.' then don't ask.

I have learned this: People are rude, ask shit when they shouldn't and 'care' about things they truly don't.

Now, answering from a Transgender persons point of experience, I say this, "Don't ask me if I am Transgender." It is HIGHLY offensive, someone else may hear you, it can be embarrassing, it is HIGHLY inappropriate, rude (no matter how it is asked) and you can honestly go your day without it 'bothering' you.

Just MAKE friends with them. If you find your assumptions to come as true then fine. If they come as false then fine. Either way, "You'll Be fine."

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

To your "Is it ok to ask if he is Transgender ?"

To that, especially me BEING Transgender, I would say NO. Here is my reason on why.

Do you seriously NEED to know if they are? Meaning, wether or not if you know, will or does it make a difference in your life? Are you attracted to this person? If any of these are 'No.' then don't ask.

I have learned this: People are rude, ask shit when they shouldn't and 'care' about things they truly don't.

Now, answering from a Transgender persons point of experience, I say this, "Don't ask me if I am Transgender." It is HIGHLY offensive, someone else may hear you, it can be embarrassing, it is HIGHLY inappropriate, rude (no matter how it is asked) and you can honestly go your day without it 'bothering' you.

Just MAKE friends with them. If you find your assumptions to come as true then fine. If they come as false then fine. Either way, "You'll Be fine."

the ting about asking is this--alot of gay men want to date a gay man--he wants the guy he is with to have a penis and theres nothing wrong with that--ive been dating one for nearly 5 months and i will say i have never been so happy in my life until i met him and he feels same about me--his name when born was jessica now he goes by jesse and i never asked him if he was trans--he told me when the time felt right for him to tell me

 

[JSS.JLk]

the ting about asking is this--alot of gay men want to date a gay man--he wants the guy he is with to have a penis and theres nothing wrong with that--ive been dating one for nearly 5 months and i will say i have never been so happy in my life until i met him and he feels same about me--his name when born was jessica now he goes by jesse and i never asked him if he was trans--he told me when the time felt right for him to tell me

Which is A PROBLEM.

Here you go: When a Transperson approaches a Natural Born - whatever, and that Natural Born is interested in that Transperson, That Transperson needs to inform the Natural Born that they are Transgender. Therein is the kicker !

You see, Rule #1 of being TRANS is this, "If a Natural Born DOES NOT KNOW and therefore automatically ASSUMES that you are fully what you present yourself as (Deep Stealth) and wants to be sexually/romantically involved with you, you need to INFORM THEM ASAP !!! " ...Not, 'Wait til I'm ready' or til 'The Time Is Right' ! Let me tell you why: There has been COUNTLESS Transgender KILLINGS because of this Exact Same Reason ! The Natural Born had NO IDEA and the Transgender Person hid/lied/deceived/omitted/avoided informing the Natural Born and therefore they became SO ENRAGED that they literally KILLED the Transgender Person !

Do not get this misunderstood with a Natural Born ASKING if the other person is Transgender. That is TOTALLY different (depending on the circumstance) because, like I was saying earlier in my response above, "Do you seriously NEED to know if they are? Meaning, wether or not if you know, will or does it make a difference in your life? Are you attracted to this person? If any of these are 'No.' then don't ask."

That was for CURIOSITY reasons of why a person would ASK. That has nothing to do with, 'I am ROMANTICALLY interested in you' - therefore, you need TO INFORM them yourself as being Transgendered.

Let me tell you, I have been THANKED so many times, I Can Not Count - on me letting THEM know that I was Trans when I saw that they were sexually/romantically interested in me. They thanked me because they THOUGHT that I was a Natural Born Female. They were THANKFUL that I did not hide/lie/deceive...etc them in thinking any further without KNOWING in advance PRIOR to them trying to kiss me or come-on to me.

This is HIGHLY important. They NEED to know BEFORE they take any steps further. This way, they can Consciously Choose to continue on further with you or they can RESPECTFULLY bow-out. No harm. No foul.

Let me say something more about your Mr. Transman: Evidently, he has A BIT of that female mindset still there. I willl explain.

A female mindset is this: "I'm not ready yet. I will tell him when I'm ready." You know Natural Born Males don't really do that ! They are out with it and direct or they Just Won't Do Something. Females like to Hide, Deceive, Prolong The Inevitable, MANIPULATE...then turn around and Play The Innocent 'Victim' when they were WRONG the entire time - then GUILT TRIP you.

See ???

That's a Female Mind for you.

Mr. Transman better realize that Natural Born Males AREN'T like that...unless he is 'Bitch-Made'. And we have all met our share (especially if you live in large Cities that have Metrosexual Men) of 'Bitch-Made' men.

In closing, he is HIGHLY fortunate that YOU are/were not one of those men who would RETALIATE against him after finding out only much later when FEELINGS started to develop.

Homosexual Men place MORE Emphasis on the Male Genitalia as an object of desire, art and ROOT of Manhood than Heterosexual Men. So, if this doesn't work out for you, we all will know why: You Need The Dick...just like a certain type of Heterosexual Men truly needs to have his woman possessing a Vagina, for procreation, sex, pleasure...etc.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

well i still say it is up to the person to let the other person know--granted they should let the guy know early in getting to know each other and not wait until few weeks or months later after the guy starts developing feelings for the person---

a person that is born trans is just as normal as a person that is born--totally male or female-- as they grow up and feel different about who they are doesnt make them less normal than the next person--we as a society--in a fantasy world--need to accept each other for who we are not what we are-- but in the real world-theres alot of hate about things that people dont understand--

to say there is something wrong with who i am--you are mistaken as i accepted him for who he is not what he is--he isnt a thing or an object--he is a human being that deserves to be respected and loved as the next person-

if a guy is meeting someone thats trans and doesnt know it-and he is just wanting sex--then its up to that trans person to say he is trans--do it while setting up place to meet--say by the way i am trans is that ok--then he may get upset then again he may not have any issues about trans but tell them he wants a man so can suck his dick and get fucked by him--- being a gay man not into trans men doesnt mean he is less a man for it---its just he is a gay man that has wants and needs to fulfill that only another gay man can give--

 

[JSS.JLk]

@AllDixNeedLuv69

I do not recall saying anywhere (or even leading on to it without saying it directly - thus 'implying') that 'There is something wrong with who you are' . In your letter above, you said this here,

"...to say there is something wrong with who i am--you are mistaken as i accepted him for who he is not what he is--he isnt a thing or an object--he is a human being that deserves to be respected and loved as the next person- "

Nowhere in my writing did I say anything for you to bring-up or even cause you to think or feel that there is 'something wrong' with WHO you are. Nope. Not at all. So, not sure where that came from.

If you are feeling 'attacked' I can guarantee you, it most certainly isn't coming from me. If you are feeling that way, I am not sure how other than you may be 'stuck in your feels' of love with your Mr. Transman - which the 'In Love' part is completely understandable. Now, the taking offense - where there is none tossed your way by me - only shows that you may quite possibly be too 'emotionally involved' at this time to see, hear and think from THE OUTSIDE of where you are right now inorder for me to continue aka 'Blinded By Love'.

If that is the case, then me discussing this topic any further with you - will be a waste of my (perhaps everyone) time and so to avoid any further grief, I will now close my commentary with you on this subject.

Have a nice day and keep us all posted on your relationship and how this all pans out.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

YOU SAID

Let me say something more about your Mr. Transman: Evidently, he has A BIT of that female mindset still there. I willl explain.

A female mindset is this: "I'm not ready yet. I will tell him when I'm ready." You know Natural Born Males don't really do that ! They are out with it and direct or they Just Won't Do Something. Females like to Hide, Deceive, Prolong The Inevitable, MANIPULATE...then turn around and Play The Innocent 'Victim' when they were WRONG the entire time - then GUILT TRIP you.

See ???

That's a Female Mind for you.


that is what i was talking about---the female mindset---its not just women that think that way but men as well-- so you labeling women with only that mindset is wrong--

 

[ManchesterTom]

I'd never ask because it doesn't make a difference, but sometimes my curiosity is activated. There's a clerk at one of my local grocery stores. A burly young ginger man with a curly beard, I'd guess he's probably mid to late 20s. His name tag says Vivian.

Vivian is male name
Vivien is female name

 

[Rach]

If your attraction is condition on being cis or transgender i would just keep it moving and not say a word. Cis people, regardless of these other trash comments, are NOT entitled to know. And do not DESERVE to know. Im a human being. Not an identity. And i owe you NOTHING simply for existing. P.s. there is absolutely NOTHING such as a “male” or “female” brain. Only hormones which interact differently with the brain’s chemistry. Hormones and chromosomes do not a gender make.

 

[Rach]

Which is A PROBLEM.

Here you go: When a Transperson approaches a Natural Born - whatever, and that Natural Born is interested in that Transperson, That Transperson needs to inform the Natural Born that they are Transgender. Therein is the kicker !

You see, Rule #1 of being TRANS is this, "If a Natural Born DOES NOT KNOW and therefore automatically ASSUMES that you are fully what you present yourself as (Deep Stealth) and wants to be sexually/romantically involved with you, you need to INFORM THEM ASAP !!! " ...Not, 'Wait til I'm ready' or til 'The Time Is Right' ! Let me tell you why: There has been COUNTLESS Transgender KILLINGS because of this Exact Same Reason ! The Natural Born had NO IDEA and the Transgender Person hid/lied/deceived/omitted/avoided informing the Natural Born and therefore they became SO ENRAGED that they literally KILLED the Transgender Person !

Do not get this misunderstood with a Natural Born ASKING if the other person is Transgender. That is TOTALLY different (depending on the circumstance) because, like I was saying earlier in my response above, "Do you seriously NEED to know if they are? Meaning, wether or not if you know, will or does it make a difference in your life? Are you attracted to this person? If any of these are 'No.' then don't ask."

That was for CURIOSITY reasons of why a person would ASK. That has nothing to do with, 'I am ROMANTICALLY interested in you' - therefore, you need TO INFORM them yourself as being Transgendered.

Let me tell you, I have been THANKED so many times, I Can Not Count - on me letting THEM know that I was Trans when I saw that they were sexually/romantically interested in me. They thanked me because they THOUGHT that I was a Natural Born Female. They were THANKFUL that I did not hide/lie/deceive...etc them in thinking any further without KNOWING in advance PRIOR to them trying to kiss me or come-on to me.

This is HIGHLY important. They NEED to know BEFORE they take any steps further. This way, they can Consciously Choose to continue on further with you or they can RESPECTFULLY bow-out. No harm. No foul.

Let me say something more about your Mr. Transman: Evidently, he has A BIT of that female mindset still there. I willl explain.

A female mindset is this: "I'm not ready yet. I will tell him when I'm ready." You know Natural Born Males don't really do that ! They are out with it and direct or they Just Won't Do Something. Females like to Hide, Deceive, Prolong The Inevitable, MANIPULATE...then turn around and Play The Innocent 'Victim' when they were WRONG the entire time - then GUILT TRIP you.

See ???

That's a Female Mind for you.

Mr. Transman better realize that Natural Born Males AREN'T like that...unless he is 'Bitch-Made'. And we have all met our share (especially if you live in large Cities that have Metrosexual Men) of 'Bitch-Made' men.

In closing, he is HIGHLY fortunate that YOU are/were not one of those men who would RETALIATE against him after finding out only much later when FEELINGS started to develop.

Homosexual Men place MORE Emphasis on the Male Genitalia as an object of desire, art and ROOT of Manhood than Heterosexual Men. So, if this doesn't work out for you, we all will know why: You Need The Dick...just like a certain type of Heterosexual Men truly needs to have his woman possessing a Vagina, for procreation, sex, pleasure...etc.

This is complete garbage. Read a book on gender theory and definitely stop speaking on behalf of trans people. And the only thing thAt is “naturally born” are babies without an epideral. Calling a cis person “natural borns” first, makes it sound like were an ancient cabal of witches. It also implies their gender experience is “natural” and a trans person is thereby “unnatural”. You are dealing with a fetishized form of the female expression that has created internalized misogyny which clearly has colored yoyr world view. If a cis person IS interested you, as a trans person, are not suddenly indebted to divulge your entire life. You dont owe anyone an explanation for existing. Stop STOP STOP being a trans apologist.

 

[Rach]

Vivian is male name
Vivien is female name

If your attraction is condition on being cis or transgender i would just keep it moving and not say a word. Cis people, regardless of these other trash comments, are NOT entitled to know. And do not DESERVE to know. Im a human being. Not an identity. And i owe you NOTHING simply for existing. P.s. there is absolutely NOTHING such as a “male” or “female” brain. Only hormones which interact differently with the brain’s chemistry. Hormones and chromosomes do not a gender make.

Conditional*

 

[Jon1971]

Vivian is male name
Vivien is female name

Thanks, I wasn't aware

 

[Capt Hook]

FYI since I wrote the original question we no longer go to the same gym. My reasoning for wanting to ask was to break the ice so he wouldn’t have to go to such great lengths to hide himself when it was just the two of us. But I didn’t end up asking.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

lets look at it this way---lets say you are a 100 percent straight man---would you want a gay man to walk up to you and ask you if you are gay? i think it would piss you off to think he thought you were gay

 

[JSS.JLk]

This is complete garbage. Read a book on gender theory and definitely stop speaking on behalf of trans people. And the only thing thAt is “naturally born” are babies without an epideral. Calling a cis person “natural borns” first, makes it sound like were an ancient cabal of witches. It also implies their gender experience is “natural” and a trans person is thereby “unnatural”. You are dealing with a fetishized form of the female expression that has created internalized misogyny which clearly has colored yoyr world view. If a cis person IS interested you, as a trans person, are not suddenly indebted to divulge your entire life. You dont owe anyone an explanation for existing. Stop STOP STOP being a trans apologist.

You can call what I say 'Trash' if you please, which you did. That's fine by me. I have no issue with it. Now, if someone happens to stumble across your body (in a ditch, in a shallow grave, splayed out for all the world to see...etc, etc) BECAUSE you chose to not tell the one you were getting romantically involved with AND THEY KILLED YOU because of it (after finding out) then that will certainly be 'your problem' - oh, correction. You will BE DEAD because you felt that it wasn't anyones business what was between your legs when THEY were thinking one thing that was in reality NOT fully what/who they were expecting - (regardless if they chose to ask you bc looking at it, it seems as though you would LIE about it if it suited your purpose - maybe you WOULD tell them? I'm not sure but what you have said seems to indicate your silence of proper identity to them) I would never suggest not informing someone who you AND they were of interested parties.

Now, as far as you also disagreeing with me with the 'Natural Born' Male and Female thing - meh. I don't care. I'm not of the class of people of thought who started (and continue) with the whole CIS thing. To me, I keep it simple: LGBT and I stop it there. I don't say, LGBTQICA...blah, blah, blah - keep adding letters every few years.

I don't go around anywhere displaying the Pride Flag or any other KIND of flag other than the Flag of The Great ol' U.S of A and my TEXAS State flag below it. I also don't go publicly with any sort of 'indication' or OUTWARD DISPLAY of my Transness. If someone has the balls to ask me, I DENY TO THEIR VERY FACE because it is on a NEED TO KNOW basis. I only tell my friends and anyone who is close to me - NOT my work Associates (employees or employer) and most certainly not people who are slightly 'aquainted' with me. ONLY those who are CLOSE to me personally.

Last thing I need *AGAIN* are letters being dropped in my locker at work, put on my desk or in the drawers, put into my car via a cracked window (or put under my windshield wiper) or people coming up to me either in private or in public to tell me WHATEVER is on their mind or feelings about me being Trans.

Nope.

Don't care to hear or know. So, you can do all that PRIDE if you choose to or be 100% Stealth and tell no one at all. That's on you.

I don't care what you think like you dissagree with what I say.

That's fine. I won't loose any sleep over your opinions. I just don't want ANYONE hurt physically for not being careful enough either way.

 

[JSS.JLk]

FYI since I wrote the original question we no longer go to the same gym. My reasoning for wanting to ask was to break the ice so he wouldn’t have to go to such great lengths to hide himself when it was just the two of us. But I didn’t end up asking.

I am glad that you didn't say anything.

Maybe even without saying anything about it (your questioning if they were Trans or not) You could have possibly became friends or at least 'friendly'. Later on, if they chose or choose to inform you or not, let it be. Either way, if you like them, you like them. If what you find later on is or is not true (to what you were thinking/hoping) to what they are/were, then you will at THAT TIME have a decision to make: Continue to see them or discontinue. At least NOW, you can make an INFORMED DECISION.

Now, your choice has been made: You went on without them.

That's ok too