Old Girls Need Help

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by 729b4l, Jan 15, 2009.

  1. 729b4l

    729b4l New Member

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    For any of you that have gone thru menapause, I need some help here. Wife is pretty much done with menapuse and sex is now a none issue. One of the results is vaginal dryness and over the last few years she has complained that I was hurting her during sex. The doctors tried to give her medication but nothing helped. The pain was from a thinning of the vaginal walls and thus microscopic taring during penatration. The memory of the pain has completely turned her off to sex. It has been suggested to use lubricants such as Astroglide but she is paranoid about the pain.:mad:

    Anyone got any suggestions on how I can get her to accept intimacy and sex again? This is becoming very frustrating and there has to be something better than Mary Fist.
     
  2. MickeyLee

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    medication for vaginal dryness or HRT?

    anyway. on to something i know about. the most commonly laid down bit of advice on this site: Lube.

    i'd suggest a water-based glycerin free lube. System Jo's for Women is a great choice and should be easy to find on the intorwebz or in a local adult shop. stay away from KY, even the newer formulas can be irritating to a lot of women.

    the how to go about its? pampering and positive association. System Jo makes a massage oil *System Jo Glide unscented* you can double as lube. a full body sensual massage * really take full body to heart, every bit you want to touch - touch* would be a positive non-threatening experience. once she knows there won't be pain from digital penetration she should *hopefully* be more comfortable with other forms of penetration.

    keep in mind other than vaginal dryness one of the effects of menopause is thinning of vaginal tissue. heaps of foreplay to get the area engorged, all the nerves stimulated and eager will help both of you enjoy ya time together. lots of lube but go slow and be gentle. pay attention to any signs of discomfort or pain.

    that's about all i got. on the emotional side of it. she's gone through hell and high water. let her know she's beautiful, desirable. i have heard stories of ladies liking things like romantic dinners, flowers... that whole wooing thing.

    ML

    there are tons of post/pre-menopause sexuality message boards out and about on the webz. checking a few out might be a good idea.
     
  3. Not_Punny

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    She needs hormone replacement:

    - Testosterone to rev up her libido and to re-awaken the erectile tissues in her clitoris. (Younger women have testosterone too; too little and you become asexual, too much and you grow facial hair)

    - Estrogen to thicken her vaginal tissue so that she doesn't tear so much. Ask for bio-identical hormones, not that horse stuff that may promote cancer.

    - Progesterone to balance the estrogen and protect her bones.

    The TWO of you should go to a doctor and ask for help.

    If she won't go, ask for permission to seek a lover. Abandoning your sexual partner is not fair.
     
  4. cbrmale

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    I second the observation about abandoning a sexual partner as being not fair. I think there are vaginal suppositories available, as well as the low-risk HRT options listed above. And, of course, lubricants, which I use anyway because of my girth. The better lubricants last right through intercourse, I've used lubricants a few times for anal sex where there's no natural lubrication.

    I once had a period of sexual frustration which was about quality rather than quantity, and no matter how much we talked or what I did, I was never able to raise my wife beyond passive. At this point I mentioned that men can, and often do, take mistresses when their sex lives are poor. All else failed, but this one worked.
     
  5. ManlyBanisters

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    I don't have much to add on the lube / hormone end of things - not something I have personal or second hand experience of - but I wanted to post to say this:

    The whole talk of bringing up the subject of one partner getting a lover / mistress because the other is not putting out bothers me. It bothers me greatly. It sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Now, I agree that abandonment within a relationship is a bad thing and the husband here deserves to have his needs met. But there is a very delicate balance between discussing how those needs can be met if the wife really does not want to partake and threatening her. Now N_P says ask her permission, and that's a better way of putting it - but even then there is a danger of it still sounding like a threat. I think threatening someone who might be in an emotionally delicate place, even if the threat isn't intentional, is as bad as any problems of sexual needs they may have going on. After all, saying that sexual intimacy with another person replaces sexually intimacy with her is, or certainly could be construed as, really rather insulting.

    Tread lightly OP - I'm sure you don't want to upset her, just get back that loving dimension of your relationship. Work through it slowly, let her know that intimacy is important to you and it is intimacy with her that you want.
     
  6. B_horribleperson

    B_horribleperson New Member

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  7. cbrmale

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    Absolutely it is emotional blackmail! Don't do this unless you really, really know what you are doing. A large part of my job is negotiation, and I have really well advanced communication skills, which is why I could do this and get away with it. And it is a last resort, when everything else has failed.

    I did it out of frustration, and because I already had a mistress.
     
  8. ManlyBanisters

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    Oh well, that's all right then... :no: :rolleyes:
     
  9. Pitbull

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    You really are a horrible person.
     
  10. cbrmale

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    Having exhausted every other possibility including relationship counselling, it was either what I did or divorce. So on that basis, it was all right.
     
  11. Not_Punny

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    In almost all cases, problems with vaginal pain and low libido are COMPLETELY curable.

    The exception? Advanced disease like cancer, MS, etc., etc. - in which case, if the mate was all worried about sex when his/her partner was about to die, well, that would be inhuman and is a different story altogether.

    But in the case of a relatively healthy individual -- it's a crime to abandon your partner sexually.

    Problem is, when your libido is low (usually due to flat-lining testosterone levels), sex is the last thing on your mind. But if you are THAT out of tune to your partner's needs, and you don't radically change your thinking and seek help until you're "cured" (able to enthusiastically have sex again), you are causing your partner to endure unimaginable pain and suffering.

    - - - - -

    Flame me if you will, but letting yourself go (letting yourself get fat, dowdy and/or sexually dead) is a crime against your partner.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    I absolutely agree, anyone can have sex even when they aren't totally in the mood. I had a low-level illness running in my system for several years and I had no sex drive at all. But we still had good and regular sex, because despite preferring to sleep than having sex, it was still very enjoyable. Also, I owed it to my wife.

    So a low libido is no excuse, because when you get started it still feels just as good. And if you love your partner, you are making an effort to give them something special. Otherwise, I would argue that there's no love anymore, rather than no sex. I know, because I've been here, and my efforts lit up my wife's eyes every single time.
     
  13. Not_Punny

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    Aw, shucks. Brings a tear to my eye! :wink:
     
  14. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Yes of course after having 6 of his children and taking care of your husband,children,the house,plus the day care business you started outside of the home you should still have more than enough energy to hit a gym every single day, get your hair and nails done and spend any extra cash on buying designer clothes and a little surgery surely wouldn't hurt! Could it?:rolleyes:
    Because it would be a crime to not do all those things thereby committing a crime against your partner and forcing him to find someone who looks like a stick with fake tits surely every married man deserves a skinny little twit.
    Absolutely!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  15. B_mylipswet

    B_mylipswet New Member

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    In your mind until you meet me eye to eye if you d
    I don't get it the older I get the more powerful my sex drive is. I guess I'm lucky! I think it's a great thing to have someone who wants more sex then you do. Buy some KY. The tell her you'll give her some massage therapy and then work your way deep inside. Do it 2X a night. That is my perscription.
     
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